I look after my mum who is 98 and has depression. This is not age related as she has been this way since adolescence. She has been living with us ( my husband is 71 and I am 68 ) since she was 69 and I feel I have spent nearly all my life trying to cheer her up, think of things that might cheer her up, etc. etc. ? She wont take medication and isn't at all sociable, so she now has no friends to speak of . Her sight is bad with both cataracts and macular degeneration but she doesn't want the cataracts removed. Her mobility is restricted but she hates the idea of a wheelchair or "community" transport or a day centre. I've run out of ideas! She is still as bright as ever.

What can I do to make life worth living for this lady, who is lovely when not in the grip of her depression.

Colleen

Sorry, but she sounds a right selfish old boot to me - and I suffer from depression myself.

I don't know how you've managed to put up with her for around 30 years, you deserve a medal. If she won't help herself by taking medication for her depression, then she'll just carry on suffering - and so will you.

I can only suggest you contact the Carers Centre (one of the top sticky threads) and see if they can come up with any ideas. And you have my sympathy.

My grandmother was like that too. Maybe you could ask about a home visitor. Is she get talking books? Have you seen a Mental Health Worker or Social Worker? I know you want to help her but you should consider your own health and not be afraid to speak up to Social Services and ask for assistance such as respite care etc..

Thanks for that suggestion. Unfortunatelly, my mum wont even consider this. I have mentioned it to her. That is that may be I could get someone to visit her, just to chat. She must get sick to death of me. I'm the only one she sees! I worry about contacting social services because I have never found them very helpful and I feel as though I'm wingeing because there's so many people worse off than me ( and her, actually ). It's really good to be able to discuss this with people though because there is just no one to go to. But there must be loads of people living with depressives as the condition is so common. You can read stuff from the depressives point of view but I've never read anything from the point of view of those who live with people with this problem. I think we suffer too.
Good to share stuff isn't it?
Colleen

I do think you should consider your own health. Why not drop in at the Carers Centre? They will support you and find out what can be done for both you and your Mother. I had a friend who wore herself out looking after her 90 year old. You have a life too.

For Shebba,
Hi, I've accidentally lost your message without reading it. It came through as a private message and my computer blocked it because of a pop-up blocker and then it disappeared all together. Please try again. I really want to hear (? ) what you have to say.
Thanks Colleen

Hi Duckweed.
I am in touch with the Carers Centre and find them very helpful for all sorts of things but I've never actually been down there. It's good to know they are there though. Thanks for your concern about my own health. I think I do look after myself quite well. I dont "not do things " because of her..although I know she finds it difficult that I do. I have a very supportive husband although he doesn't get on with my Mum at all and stays out of her way which is a bit problematic. He is now suffering ill health himself which is another factor! I hope this isn't turning into a catalogue of woes but it's brilliant to be able to get this all out! Ones friends can only take so much.
Colleen

I don't normally come in here, didn't realise it was here but just added it along with several other new groups ... :)

I have to agree with Dozy, although she's less mealy mouthed about it than I would have been. She's being selfish. It sounds like she's had you emotionally blackmailed most of your life and you spend too much time trying to please her. Depressives can be very self centred and it's hard to cheer them up, in my experience. Might as well do what's best for you at this late stage in your life. Pay a bit of attention to yourself and your husband for a change.

If you want to send her off to enjoy herself somewhere so you can have a bit of time to yourself, she'll just have to go ... she'll probably love it when she gets there.

I had an old aunty and she had her cataracts done at the age of 89 and was really resistant to the idea of lunch clubs etc, but after a couple of weeks she was going to three different ones ... become quite a social gadabout and made some new friends.

You sound really lovely and she's lucky to have a caring daughter like you at her beck and call. At 98 she's hardly going to put up much of a fight, is she! Get her in the respite care for a week, it'll do you all good! :)

Thanks for your comments. I dont know about being lovely! I do get angry and feel guilty about it but you are right. She is very manipulative and I have allowed myself to be manipulated, but at my advanced age I am gradually learning to be harder with her. I dont feel quite so guilty these days for reacting angrily .Everyone has been so supportive on the forum that I feel stronger in my dealings with her. It helps so much to share these problems with other people even if they are anonymous.
Colleen

Hi colleen

It sounds like you've spent an awfully long period of your life putting someone else's needs before your own. At your age it's normal to be planning for your own life and needs as you get older, rather than spending all of your time looking after someone else.

I'm sure that there is, at the very least, some help available for you in terms of support and respite care for your mum that will allow you and your husband to have some time to meet your own needs for a day a month or whatever.

Personally I think that having someone else come and take responsibility for your mum for a bit of respite care is the most productive thing that can happen for you- whether or not it's what your mum wants, I think you have a right to a little breathing space and support.

I agree with what others have said- your mum is used to having you at her beck and call so why should she consider any changes unless and until you put your foot down about them happening?

All of us have to accept things in our life that we didn't want to happen, whether that be less money, a different job or losing someone we love. She's no different just because she's got someone to insulate her from the world.

Hi colleen

It sounds like you've spent an awfully long period of your life putting someone else's needs before your own. At your age it's normal to be planning for your own life and needs as you get older, rather than spending all of your time looking after someone else.

I'm sure that there is, at the very least, some help available for you in terms of support and respite care for your mum that will allow you and your husband to have some time to meet your own needs for a day a month or whatever.

Personally I think that having someone else come and take responsibility for your mum for a bit of respite care is the most productive thing that can happen for you- whether or not it's what your mum wants, I think you have a right to a little breathing space and support.

I agree with what others have said- your mum is used to having you at her beck and call so why should she consider any changes unless and until you put your foot down about them happening?

All of us have to accept things in our life that we didn't want to happen, whether that be less money, a different job or losing someone we love. She's no different just because she's got someone to insulate her from the world.

Very well put, and far more polite than I could manage in my first post!

I cared for my ma-in-law for around 3 years, until she died earlier this year. She didn't suffer from depression, but she was selfish and expected my every waking minute to be devoted to her! I was allowed to take the dog out for a walk (she loved animals) but if I was longer than usual, because I'd bumped into somebody and got chatting, she'd complain.

If I had friends round for coffee and a gossip, she'd complain they'd stayed too long. If I chatted on the phone, she'd complain they'd kept me talking too long!! I tried to get out at least once a week, to some sort of activity, and she usually sulked for the first few times I went, because she'd been abandoned for a couple of hours.

Talking to friends who were/had been carers, we discovered that the person being cared for quite often turned into a monster of selfishness, even though they had been perfectly nice people before they needed care! My ma-in-law, for instance, had been very independent and worked until she was in her 80s and had, in fact, cared for her own sister when she could no longer manage on her own.

This attitude seemed to extend only to their main carer - other family members who turned up to see them/took them out only rarely, were usually praised for their goodness in taking the trouble to visit. :loopy:

One of my friends had a Social Worker (I think) round to do an assessment of her mum's care needs. She listened while her mum informed the SW that she didn't need anyone to come round and see her in the morning, to make sure she was up and had breakfast and taken her pills, because her daughter always did it. Same with lunchtimes and tea times - and, of course, her daughter always did the housework, the washing, the shopping, etc, so she had no need of any other help.

The fact that her daughter worked part-time, and had a family of her own to look after, appeared to have escaped her attention!! She wasn't too happy accepting the fact that somebody else was going to be coming in in the mornings and lunchtimes, but adjusted to it in the end.

I really think it is time you started to think about what you - and your husband - want (and need). Your mum has obviously been very well looked after for all these years and will probably resent the fact that you now want to do something for yourself, which will involve her not getting exactly what she wants, but she'll have to adjust to the fact.:P

My parents went to great expense literally for my grandmother. They bought a new car so she could get in and out easily but she then refused to go anywhere except when her grandson came on leave from the Merchant Navy and then would cram herself into his little Honda. She wouldn't go shopping with us and said she was okay but moaned for hours after we came back. She had was virtually her own flat but would spend hours moaning and drowning out our TV programmes or any other activity standing in the doorway of our sitting room. She criticised every thing my mother did and frequently had her in tears. After my mother died we were looking at some old movies where my grandmother was playing the mouth organ and making our dog howl. Everyone was laughing on the film. My mother said "I'd forgotten how much she laughed." Before my mother took care of her my grandmother had been a lovely outgoing person. I suppose it's the feeling of lost independence and frustration that gets to many older people. How you change that I don't know.

hi I am only 28 but suffer from depression myself, had 12 years of it, no one can tell you not to be there for your mum because you have spent your life doing so but there is a way you can feel different. BELIEVE things can get better for yourself and try to surround yourself with positivity, even if that is just doing something for yourself every day, and if you ever need a cheerful young lady to come cheer you up I would love to meet you or your mum, for a tea or a walk in the park, sometimes a stranger is great to talk to. and thank God I am cheerful enough to offer my friendship, I certainly thank God every day that I can smile. Please be good to yourself.
Kind regards
Sadie

Hi Colleen, I'd just like to add to what's already been said really - I think your mum is a very lucky lady to have you for a daughter. You've already looked after her for nearly 30 years which is probably longer than she looked after you so all debts are paid.

She's a bit old to change now but you're not. Some old people get a bit like spoilt children if they're allowed their own way all the time, she's still part of the human race and we ALL have to give and take. Would you allow a child to get away with it?

As for the depression, she sounds like my late Grandmother. If she was asked what she wanted she wouldn't know, but when she was gently bullied (eg into taking a walk round the park,) she found she enjoyed it and felt a lot better for it.

Same with lunch clubs etc. How can she say she won't enjoy it until she's tried it. Don't let her say no to everything.

I know it's easy for us to pontificate, while you're having to deal with it, but you really need to think a bit more about yourself and your longsuffering husband (what a saint he must be...)

Mothers are supposed to want their children to be happy too, and if she's all there mentally then a bit of compromise is in order.

Good Luck.

As a borderline (bpd) I can tell you that in my opinion your mother is a really selfish person.

Funny you worry about her being sick of you, I think it should be the other way round for once!

It took me a lot of time to come to terms with my condition and unlike depression, there is no medication for bpd so all I can do is control myself and use tips I have learnt during my therapy. And you know what? It costs me a lot and I struggle sometime, and I even lose it from time to time but because of people I love I try hard because I don't want to be a burden and I don't want my condition to affect their lives.

You are nearly 70 and it seems to me that deep inside you are still a little girl scared to death of your mother telling you off. Maybe it's time to grow up and live your own life? :)

Fingers crossed!

This is a reply for all the lovely people who have taken the trouble to reply to my message about my mum and her depression. You are all right. I cant tell you how good it has been to read what you have said, I feel so empowered now and have begun to toughen up, and the sky didn't fall in! Fakefreak is right too in that , until very recently, I have felt very much like a child and my mother would treat me like one, even though I'm nearly 70! When I posted the message I was feeling particularly low myself.. but now, bouyed up by all your support I feel more able to cope during the bad patches. Thanks again and kind regards to everyone.

This is a reply for all the lovely people who have taken the trouble to reply to my message about my mum and her depression. You are all right. I cant tell you how good it has been to read what you have said, I feel so empowered now and have begun to toughen up, and the sky didn't fall in! Fakefreak is right too in that , until very recently, I have felt very much like a child and my mother would treat me like one, even though I'm nearly 70! When I posted the message I was feeling particularly low myself.. but now, bouyed up by all your support I feel more able to cope during the bad patches. Thanks again and kind regards to everyone.


I can empathise though my Mum is just 83, she is not as such depresed but she is always so angry and frustrated at everyone and no matter how we try to help( My brother, my husband and I ), what we do is always some sort of frustration to her. If we help, she feels guilty that we have to give up our time,if we dont help then she makes us feel guilty for not helping and not going up.
Quite frankly I feel that I just dont want to go as just talking to her for 10 minutes on the phone leaves me feeling depressed.My fault I know as I work all the time on my CBT techniques but sometimes I just have had enough.
Old people are hard work and we feel a sense of duty to look after them as they have done for us, but if they make your life so difficult just by their attitude then maybe you have to take a step back, as I have done. i now only go to see her once a week and I take my daughter and husband up so that she is less likely to have a go at me.
How sad is that?

I can empathise though my Mum is just 83, she is not as such depresed but she is always so angry and frustrated at everyone and no matter how we try to help( My brother, my husband and I ), what we do is always some sort of frustration to her. If we help, she feels guilty that we have to give up our time,if we dont help then she makes us feel guilty for not helping and not going up.
Quite frankly I feel that I just dont want to go as just talking to her for 10 minutes on the phone leaves me feeling depressed.My fault I know as I work all the time on my CBT techniques but sometimes I just have had enough.
Old people are hard work and we feel a sense of duty to look after them as they have done for us, but if they make your life so difficult just by their attitude then maybe you have to take a step back, as I have done. i now only go to see her once a week and I take my daughter and husband up so that she is less likely to have a go at me.
How sad is that? My bold

Not sad at all - it's a practical solution to a difficult situation, and you've done well to find it. When parents get older and dependent on their children, it's a role reversal that can be very difficult for both to cope with, anything that eases life along for you is to be welcomed.

My bold

Not sad at all - it's a practical solution to a difficult situation, and you've done well to find it. When parents get older and dependent on their children, it's a role reversal that can be very difficult for both to cope with, anything that eases life along for you is to be welcomed.
Yes, I guess so but I dont think that she sees it that way.I have to protect my own sanity though as I can be drawn in to the dpths of depression myself if I dont.

Colleen, just read your post, well done you! Firtsly for looking after your mum all this time and secondly coming on here and asking for a bit of help and advice, it's sometimes the hardest thing to do.

is there anyone who can sit with your mum while you enjoy a few hours to yourself? if you arranged a lunch club or something for her, would she go??

it's a shame that she so stubborn by the sounds but keep up the good work, you're doing great!!

P.s Don't let it make you ill!

Depression in the elderly is very common I know, and when you think about it, its natural, isn't it? How awful not to have any time left to make plans , or not to be able to look forward to anything. This is simplistic I know but at 98, its the only way to think.
We can sympathise with the elderly but that doesn't seem to stop us getting impatient. My mum and I have quite an emotional history so its difficult for me, and maybe its just family members that find it difficult? Others can walk away, we can't. Its the body language I find the worst to cope with. But I do find time for myself, I would go mad otherwise. I dont deserve all the caring posts I've had because I do make sure that I dont suffer too much physically.. its the mental anguish thats the problem!.. but I wont let it make me ill and I try to step away, you have to find a new way of dealing with it..and sometimes its easier than others.

Depression in the elderly is very common I know, and when you think about it, its natural, isn't it? How awful not to have any time left to make plans , or not to be able to look forward to anything. This is simplistic I know but at 98, its the only way to think.
We can sympathise with the elderly but that doesn't seem to stop us getting impatient. My mum and I have quite an emotional history so its difficult for me, and maybe its just family members that find it difficult? Others can walk away, we can't. Its the body language I find the worst to cope with. But I do find time for myself, I would go mad otherwise. I dont deserve all the caring posts I've had because I do make sure that I dont suffer too much physically.. its the mental anguish thats the problem!.. but I wont let it make me ill and I try to step away, you have to find a new way of dealing with it..and sometimes its easier than others.

Always remember that you are a good person.Be kind to yourself and you will have better self esteem.You are an adult capable of making your own decisions and that no one can interfere with what you need and want.
Good Luck.