On an unusually sunny day last week MsB found herself wandering happily around the Gardening Department of Homebase after taking her french students to their coach meeting point at Courts.

Now, my garden is in serious need of re-fencing due to recent strong winds, two very determined dogs' bidding for freedom on the great open road and the fact that the fencing is probably about 100 years old.

So, there I was trying to be practical and ignore the pretty displays of spring and summer bedding and the fragrant whaft of the lavender bushes and purposefully strode to the dull fencing display. There I pondered over the different options available and tried not to pale at the realisation that I neded about 110 ft of the darned stuff when A Bargain caught my eye.
Now I like bargains and this was a good one. It was in the Damaged and Reduced section (which in no way lessened its attractiveness) and it was (and still is) a large piece of trellis that had been used in a display and was now the bargain price of TEN POUNDS!!!

I had to have it. Immediately I pictured it fencing off an ugly part of the garden where the dogs did their worst and it being covered in fragrant climbers and Jasmine and Clematis. I intercepted a passing assistant who assured me that yes, I was correct and this wonderful piece of garden decoration was indeed ONLY TEN POUNDS.

Ok. Now, did I mention that this piece of trellis is 6ft by 6ft? After paying for the item the man asks how I am going to take it home. Obviously I haven't considered that small inconvenience in my rush to recreate some kind of Capability Brown retreat in Woodseats. So I ask if he would kindly deliver said item. Yes, he says but it will be £15. Now I am no mathmetician but a £15 delivery on a £10 item seems to defeat the purpose somewhat so I refused his kind offer and said that I would be back to collect the item in a day or so.

And there it still is. It has my name written on it so I know it is safe and no-one else can shatter my daydream but after speaking to a number of friends with big cars it would appear that no-one has a roof rack or the time or they just wanna see me struggle.

So my options as far as I can see are in the above poll. My two daughters are understandably reluctant to walk along the busy Chesterfield Road carrying a 6ft square criss cross piece of wood and I cannot carry it on my own. My car is rather small and sporty so I am unsure how the roof thing would work and you can bet your bottom that the minute we drive past the Sleepy Hollow that is Woodseats nick, the constabs will be pulling me over for a caution on an unsafe load. I prefer the third option myself so am open to generous offers from large van or lorry owners who might fancy a pint or two...

hidden option!

beg, steal or borrow a van or a friendly person who has one :) bung them a fiver for there time

Well, that's kinda covered by the 3rd option aint it? They can either pick it up for/with me or MsB can borrow their big truck and drive along and get it herself.

<---quite fancies herself driving big lorry along Woodseats, blasting airhorns and chatting to Rubber Duck on CB radio...

impractical suggestion ... wait until darkness is falling ... then get girls to carry it along chesterfield road, down to the Dale, across Barber's Field, up the gennels between the houses on Fraser and onto Holmhirst Road, thus avoiding most of Chesterfield and being spotted and judged unkewl .... and ur almost home!

practical suggestion - I'll drive over to your house, we'll drive in your car to homebase and pick up the trellis and i'll help you carry it home .... cos we are sooooo unkewl it doesn't matter about our street cred ... and if you were signed into msn I could have done this on there :rolleyes:

yeee haaaaa!!! I lurrrrrve you!

Might have to just log in on msn and discuss with you further dear Rube (not sure about the re-route in the first option as would prob get lost and look even dafter asking for directions whilst holding said large piece of garden decoration...

Are you proposing we carry it in our delicate little hands or on the roof of your car???

PS - large drink of something alcoholic for you this evening my lady :thumbsup:

***STOP PRESS*****

I've just had the most fabulous idea!!

How about we walk back carrying it and call in every pub on the way back for a drink just so that we get noticed!!! Who cares about street cred anyway!!! :clap:

Get the 'Big Strong Girls' to carry it and ruin their street cred.....Shame the dark nights are no longer with us!!

Unless you kill a few hours sat in the car park before setting off under cover of darkness!!

:thumbsup:

Bargain though!!!!

have Pm'd you about a totally different matter my dear Shiesh. If you aren't careful I will be wending my way over to your place (I know where you live muhahahaha) and dragging you out on the unnofficial Trellis Pub Crawl along Woodseats with me and Rube.....:hihi:

Coats on...... I'm out for the rest of the day......Ciao......Enjoy.....!!

:help:

It's sorted ! There is now an unofficial Woodseats Meet today starting at Homebase and continuing to the Abbey pub. Each hostelry en-route will be visited for the necessary refreshment needed when carrying a large 6ft by 6ft piece of wood.

Sponsorships still being accepted at this late hour. The event will be covered by the 'Sheffield Star' and all monies will got to the Ruby and MsBehavin Refreshment Fund for Tired Trellis-Carriers. Woodseats police have been informed in anticipation of large crowds and subsequent necessary road closures.

It is not anticipated that, if popular, this event will be carried out on an annual basis due to the severe lack of £10 trellises in the Homebase store.

Unless it is fastened to a frame, Trellis usually folds up into a long stick. Why not pull it off the frame and fold it up and then you can drive home with the bits sticking out of your sunroof and nail it all back together when you get home?

it doesn't fold. It is one large piece rather like a fencing panel. Do feel free though, my dear Muddy, to offer your services in the Grand Carrying Ceremony...

MsB, perhaps as a souvenir of your trellis trek, you might like to collect things to put in your trellis en-route. Maybe a beer towel or two. Any empty wine bottles should just about fit through the gaps.

Also, try to accost a nice man and ask for his boxers to put on the end of the trellis as a kind of health and safety flag.

Maybe we can have a trellis song to sing all the way?

Trellis,
I like to prune it in my wellies,
with a little glass of sherry,
there are no worries with a trellis.

This is our trellis song, we sing it as we walk along,
It's a little wide and a little long.
By us a drink we'll soon be gone.

Muddy, I think you and me should "do a Viv" and motor alongside them on a milkfloat, decked out with patio furniture and glasses of Pimms all round!

What a civilised fellow you are Feargal.
And you speak my kind of language.

They've been very quiet; maybe they're still out on the pop! :D

Or maybe they've been arrested as a couple of 'fences'.

Can't you just see them...propping the bar up somewhere, acting cool, with a 6x6 fence panel between them.

"Two white wines and a Cuprinol please landlord."

Originally posted by saxon51
"Two white wines and a Cuprinol please landlord."

Good one Saxon51!

I drove up Woodseats Road at about 5pm today. I kept my eye out for them, but I guess they would have been long gone.

Msb's car has gone, now she was trying to drag me down to the Devonshire Cat to a forum meet, but I have had some things to do tonight.

Blimey - can't do 'owt can I???

For everyone's information Ruby came to my house at 3pm and after a brief chat we set off in my car to Homebase to bring home said piece of trellis.

When we got there and asked for it, two (yes, two) strapping young lads brought it out of the warehouse for us. Ruby's face was a picture as these two lads brought it over to the desk. I had forgotten (or completely blanked out) just how heavy it actually was. The most we could get them to do for us despite sweet smiles and promises of showing them some puppies was to take it our to the car park for us.

Then we were on our own. Ruby had thoughtfully provided some gardening gloves of which we wore one each, then gioggling hysterically we lifted the trellis and started our long and arduous journey.

Now this baby was HEAVY. And awkward. Try as we might we couldnt find a comfortable way to carry it between us and this evening have the bruises to prove it. The one thing we DID agree on was that we walked with the trellis facing the road so that we were behind it and hence less recognisable to anyone who might know us. Many people smiled and grinned at us as we tottered along, stopping many times for a breather and as we stopped we leaned on the fence to catch up on chat like a pair of old gossips.

It was warm and sunny and as we got to the start of Woodseats shops we agreed that we needed to stop in the Woodseats Palace for much needed refreshment. Ruby waited outside whilst I went in and asked the barmaid if we could 'bring in a small piece of trellis'. She agreed, giving me a bemused look and then we pushed the doors open and made the grandest exit that pub has seen in years. Everyone stooped mid conversation and heads turned as we carried our trellis over to a nearby table then cooly went to get our drinks. The barmaid said, 'I thought you said it was a small one!' and I replied, 'well if I'd told you it was a big one you wouldnt have let us in'....

Onwards and upwards after that we went, chatting and giggling and causing all kinds of looks and smiles as we made our way along the highway. It was important to walk in step together or the trellis rubbed uncomfortably on our sides, but Ruby kept tripping up which just made us laugh all the more. One more brief stop outside a charity shop where someone had left a bag of donations which she had to have a look through (don't ask!) then a final booze stop at the Big Tree. Here a crowd of lads sitting outside watched in avid curiosity as we approached. Were we doing a charity thing they said, rattling their money in their pockets, all ready to give a donation to the two nutty old birds. No we said, it was a bargain at £10 and delivery was £15 so we had to carry it. They understood. They did. Honest.

It was an hour or so since the start of our epic journey and the sun was cooling. A quick telephone call for reinforcements (bribed by the offer of a meal and lager) allowed Ruby to stagger home nursing her bruises and probably wishing we had never answered That Post this morning...

PS - thanks Rube!!!
:clap:

You really should write a book MsB! You've had me in stitches over the last few days! :clap: What's the next disaster going to be? :D

It's my life Kristian! It's like this all the damned time! I don't know what normal is!!:loopy:

Originally posted by saxon51
Can't you just see them...propping the bar up somewhere, acting cool, with a 6x6 fence panel between them.
"Two white wines and a Cuprinol please landlord."

that is soooo funny ... loving it ... :D

Originally posted by rubydazzler
that is soooo funny ... loving it ... :D

Glad you didn't take 'a-fence';)