Hi all,

My husband and I were having a discussion this morning about how much he does with the little one.

He thinks he does more than most men and I think he should do more. He said I should compare him to other daddies and re-think what I said about how little he does.

He works hard all week so we can pay our bills (I'm on mat leave and only get smp - the baby is 12 weeks old) I get up every night with the baby for night feeds. I do all the cooking (except twice last week where oh cooked but thats a first in about 6 months) I do almost all of the cleaning - he occasionally tidy's the kitchen at the weekend but rarely. I do the school run I do all the washing, I sterilise all the bottle and make them, I deal with the baby when she's kicking off (she tends to only settle for me) I bath her and dress her. I change her nappy (even if he's home)

However, at the weekend he gets up during the night to feed her (usually one night, occasionally two - also usually one feed sometimes two) I think what I'd like is for him to possibly feed her when he comes in (not as soon as he's through the door but during the evening at some point) Possibly bath and dress her and maybe take her out so I can have a bath in peace and maybe read a book.

Don't get me wrong he's more than happy to have her if I want to go out anywhere and is really good with not only the baby but our 10yr old too.

My question is I guess, How much does your oh do for/with the kids? Am I expecting more than I should?

He does do more than my OH but not as much as most I could be wrong but Zebras OH does seem good, I wish mine was as good as he is.

Does that make sense , it doesnt read as well as I thought it did

Anniec, do we have the same hubby?:suspect::suspect: lol
Your situation is exactly the same as mine and I know exactly how you feel. Mine tends to make the excuse that baby Tayla is still too small for him to handle lol. I can't complain that he doesn't spend time with the older kids because he does but it's the everyday menial chores that get to you isn't it?

Sometimes I think that he could do more even if it's just make up the bottles or feed/change her more often but some would argue that at least our blokes have stuck around or at least they go out to work to keep a roof over our heads!
And then theres always the fact that I often feel that theres only me that can do certain things "properly" lol

I am really lucky, Rich951 is super. He can't do much with feeding and stuff as she is still on boob milk, but recently I have started to express and at weekends he does a feed with her first thing in the morning so I can sleep for an extra hour, which is lovely.

I do tend to her during the nights, which is busy as she is very much a night owl but when she was poorly and I needed abit of help all i had to do was ask.

I'd say that Rich probably changes more nappies than me when he is at home, and we always bath her together.

As for cooking and stuff, we haven't quite got back into a normal routine yet so its just whoever isn't holding her at teatime makes the tea.

Rich is, by nature, very very untidy so that hasn't changed, but if I ask him to help out he does. One thing I have found since having her, is that I tidy tidy tidy, completely different from normal :)

He is lovely and I do appreciate him x

My OH does absolutely bugger all so any help i get is very much appreciated, its caused sooooooooooo many arguements taht ive just stopped complaining!!!

Yes, my OH is of the old brigade he goes out to work so the children are my responsibility saying that he does work long hours and (as at the moment )is often away on tour.

My other half works nights, so im on my own during the night and day as he is sleeping. He does make tea tho when he gets up and makes an effort to spend time with Harry before he goes to work, altho that doesnt include changing any nappies, lol. He is still breast fed, so difficult for him to feed him however we have just agreed as he is waking around 6.30, which is just when my hubby gets in, that I am going to express so he can do that feed when he gets in from work and I can stay in bed, so we will see how that works out.

Since i had speedy number 4, and went onto maternity leave I've not gone back to work, so I tend to do most of the general stuff around the house - school run, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping etc. He has been getting the iron out though, and doing his work uniforms in an evening if I've not done any for him. OH helps kids do pots and tidy kitchen after I've cooked tea, and has been helping out with rabbit cleaning and stuff in the last few weeks before i had speedy baby 5. He leaves for work about 7.20am, just as me and the kids are getting up and ready for school so doesn't do much in the mornings. When he gets home around 6.15ish, I've got the tea ready so we have that and wash up. He will then quite often get speedy baby 4 into her pyjamas and give her a night time bottle. Then either he or one of the older kids will take her up to bed. If it's not his weekend to work (only works about 1 in 4 or 5) then he'll get up roughly the same time as me (sometimes I'll let him have a lie in til about 9 lol) and we do most things together. I'll run the hoover round while he feeds the baby or something like that. Obviously we're getting into a new routine now, with 2 babies to see to, and as i type this, he is dishing out a lovely shepherds pie his mum made for us. The first night i was home from hospital, he stayed downstairs with the baby all night so i could get some sleep, as she was really unsettled. Last night, we were both woke with her about 3am but i fed her. This morning, I brought number 4 down and saw to her while he saw to number 5 so it's pretty much a team effort really. BUT, he's back at work tomorrow so I'm really gonna have to get my ass organised to get everyone ready n off to school lol

I don't think you should compare him to other men, they're not generally a great yard stick for cleaning and domestic work....

I would think that if you are feeling resentment then that's your yardstick. Have a talk about it with him. Why does he expect you to do more than him? You're his partner, not his butler!

I tend to think not so much in terms of what we each do but more about do we have an equal amount of leisure time? The answer is probably "no" but I think it's till a fairer way to judge.

Having said that, my OH certainly does his share of the household chores. Since the baby was born, he's done everything but breastfeed. If I've had a bad night with the baby he gets up and gives him his breakfast/nappy change so I can go back to bed for an hour, gives baby his tea when he comes home from work and cooks our tea if I'm putting the baby down to bed. He hoovers and does the washing, loads and unloads the dishwasher etc etc. We probably share nappy changes equally. Best thing is he doesn't have to be asked - as often men seem to begrudgingly act as assistant to the woman in the house but seem to be unable to take any initiative for housework.

We do have a fortnightly cleaner who does the jobs I hate and OH wouldn't notice existed (e.g. cleaning the bathrooms, dusting etc). This makes for total domestic harmony and is worth every penny!


He's still a man though: I doubt the baby would have any clothes or shoes if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't go to any groups, have any socials with his friends or have routine medicals, no-one would ever be sent a card and no party would ever be arranged, there would be no financial planning - and I tend to do all the additional household administration (organizing, shopping, lists, budgeting and all those things that take up mental head space but are otherwise invisible to the naked eye!) :P

Speaking as the man in someones life I could do FAR more.

I clean the house, I dont work but I clean the house and work in the garden, take the kids out and bath them, cook the occasional (rare) meal and bring my 5 year old home from school.

My OH does the lions share of the work and this threads made me realise what a lazy useless lump I am.

I genuinely do more than most and always have, although the lack of gratitude makes me wonder why i bother.
You've missed a bit, you've burnt the sausages.....

Mr Z has to do his share, otherwise we'd have cracked up by now. I'm insistant that the girls will have a good relationship with him as a parent rather than as some distant patriarch and I do not believe in men not doing nappies.
So,
As Mr Z does 2 morning shifts, 2 afternoon shifts and 2 night shifts before having a 3 day break (it's meant to be 4 but he's halfway through the 1st before he gets to sleep), he does baths on the nights he is home because I have no choice but to do the others. He does nappies most of the time when home cos again I do them all the rest of the time. We both cook, he used to be a chef and I prefer sandwiches so he prefers to cook where possible. I work 3 days a week at Jellys and 2 part days teaching and then work at home in the evenings doing fund raising and take bookings for other work whenever I can. SO we both work and we both take care of the kids.
When we recently totted up what we do over his shift pattern it worked out that I do 6 hours more than him in 'busy' time, work, childcare, housework etc etc.

Personally I'd always go with a father should be involved with their kids as much as possible and must comprehend that if the mother is the primary carer, she needs a break too. Mr Z complains that he's been at work all day and then comes back to deal with the girls but my argument is that I've put my day in too but I don't get to go and work somewhere else for a change. (Since the girls go to my work).
Although they are our children and we chose to have them, we all know it's hard work. Furthermore, since childminders, au pairs and nannys get paid for it, it must actually be a job so just because they are our kids, doesn't make it less hard though I suspect it does add to the pleasure :D I hate men who think it's all very nice and easy staying at home with the kids. And those who think the womans role is less important because she isn't in the typical workplace. To me, my kids development is infinitely more important then the kudos achieved in a typical workplace.
You could always tot up the busy time you each have and work out how fair you feel it is after that.

I don't think you should compare him to other men, they're not generally a great yard stick for cleaning and domestic work....

I would think that if you are feeling resentment then that's your yardstick. Have a talk about it with him.


I agree with rozee here, absolutely (see, it can happen!:hihi:)

I got close to murdering my OH after cosycub was born, cos while he did get involved with the baby, there just seemed to be the default mode that was me, and he could excuse himself when he liked, whereas I was totally bound by this huge new responsibility. And he has never, ever been any good at remembering to do housework. I say remembering advisedly, because it isn't that he feels it's beneath him, but it honestly just doesn't seem to occur to him on a day to day basis that someone has to do it or it doesn't get done.

I got really quite resentful about how much I was doing compared to how much he was doing, but if I approached him about it, he would go on about what he did do - which is where the 'your yardstick' bit comes in - if you're feeling left to do the lion's share, then something isn't right, and you need to talk about it or the hormones will take over and you'll knock his block off.

Like your OH, mine thought he was doing plenty, but I found that if instead of having deep and meaningful conversations about it, I called him while doing the endless evening chores and gave him tasks to undertake while I was also visibly working, he would generally do them without a murmur (guilt can be a great thing). It's even begun to become habit - if I'm putting clothes away, etc he will now join in whereas once upon a time he didn't even seem to see me doing it.

Saying that, it hasn't changed enough, and I still have to actually remind him to do things, or he simply won't...and I'm expecting a re-run of last time...at least this time I know what works better than tearful rows in the middle of the night (I hope!)

Here's another thread ragging on the men if you want a bit more empathy and a few ideas...
http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=175137&highlight=default+setting

I agree... it is a very tricky transition in life. We (mainly mothers) are there all the time we can see all the things that need doing and often just get on with it. I've had many discussions with dh about this issue. The times that it has worked best for me, to productively discuss it, are when I approach the discussion when I haven't got a load of built up annoyances. My experience has told me that I am not a huge fan of tidying or being a martyr about it.

I wish you happiness with your family life. :)

Don't get me wrong, he is brilliant with dd1 and does work really hard. I suppose I'm thinking what would/will happen when I go back to work and we're both with the girls the same amount of time? Who will do the chores etc then?

I think I'll try what you suggested cosy, delegate when I'm doing something. If I can run an a busy office surely I can organise my household? lol

Giving your little ones a bath is great fun. Get one of those things that are like a wire frame with a bit of material stretched across so he doesn't have to worry about accidently holding the kid's head below the water line while he scouts around for the shampoo. Also, it's good that there's something the children just do with their dad.

I agree with rozee here, absolutely (see, it can happen!:hihi:)

[/url]Yay! So I'm going to recommend to posters a book on the subject. I think it should be part of the curriculum in schools. It's called "Wifework" by Susan Maushart, an Australian academic and feminist. It points out how men almost universally get a much better deal when they marry or partner up. It'll change the way you think about what men and women do in the household arena. It's also a great read.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/074755675X

A lot, I can't complain. That said he has just come home from 27 holes and is too tired for one more!:mad:

A lot, I can't complain. That said he has just come home from 27 holes and is too tired for one more!:mad:

Lightweight ....;)

I reckon mine does a good share of the childcare and cooking in the evenings, but I do almost everything else. We have different levels of tidiness, so I have come to realise that as I am the one who prefers it tidier I should make it so! He also takes ages to get round to things and needs reminding every time of routines such as putting the bin out and it is annoying to have to remind him to do things.
I'm sure some research has found that men claim to do 50% of the chores, whereas women say they do 75% or something but in actuality do 90%!

I do the majority of everything as Mark is out long hours so I can stay off so I find it only fair. I do all the night feeds and sit up with Noah if he's restless. Mark will do the weekend feeds if hes not working but because I do it 5 days a week anyway I wake up at weekends as well but it's still nice to just lie there whilst Mark sees to him.

I do all Noahs bottles, washing, bathing etc although sometimes I chuck him in the bath with Mark :D

He's very untidy and I constantly find myself clearing is mess up behind him so think I'm gonna stick post it notes around! :D

The only time Mark gets stuck into house work is if I have a bitch fit at him!!!!! I can be having ago at him for anything and he seems to think that by putting on my marigolds it will make me fell better :hihi: He wonders why we argue all the time :)

The only time Mark gets stuck into house work is if I have a bitch fit at him!!!!! I can be having ago at him for anything and he seems to think that by putting on my marigolds it will make me fell better :hihi: He wonders why we argue all the time :)

Ha ha! That reminds me of a time me and my other half had a 'discussion' about general tidiness where I was annoyed about going around tidying up everyone else's mess and he started wiping down the cupboard doors! I was like- try getting the crumbs off the side first!

Speaking as the man in someones life I could do FAR more.

I clean the house, I dont work but I clean the house and work in the garden, take the kids out and bath them, cook the occasional (rare) meal and bring my 5 year old home from school.

My OH does the lions share of the work and this threads made me realise what a lazy useless lump I am.So what are you going to do about it, Jabbers? ;)

So what are you going to do about it, Jabbers? ;)

Nothing!

Id hate her to get bored. :D

We do absolutely 50;50 it wasn't always like this but we both work about the same hours now so we share. I have to say i am a very very luck girl my OH is brilliant with the kids although he does dress them rather bizarrely when there in his care. I have had to learn to relax my standards too and recently i've learned that he is every bit as good at looking after them as me(bar the odd outfits).
I think the fathers relationship with there kids is something that needs to be encouraged my the mother but having said that i wouldn't expect a parent who is working full time to come home and take over child care. I think dads should be encouraged to take the kids off on there own its only by being solely responsible they will become confident and figure out the routine.

Anything nice I might ever have said about my OH is currently revoked. He is currently sulking because he cooked tea and I have suggested he wash up, too.

I am sooo mean.

But because I am pregnant, and because I am feeling ill today (yes, he knows), and because I came home exhausted to find him asleep on the sofa, and proceeded to:
change cosycub's bedding
sort the laundry and put a new load in
fold and put away the clean laundry
tidy up all the toys in the living room
sort the annoying sofa throw (a fiddly and aggravating job)
hoover the living room
rinse and prepare (yesterday's) dishes for washing so it wasn't a monster job

I kind of reckon tea and dishwashing isn't something to sulk over.

The reason he's still alive and I am late coming on here, is because I retreated to my friend across the road to have a good rant and cool off.:roll:

The reason he's still alive and I am late coming on here, is because I retreated to my friend across the road to have a good rant and cool off.:roll:
SHould have stayed home, time he helped!

My OH is a great cook and cooks about once a month.He can use a vacuum but thats about it:hihi:He never knew what to do with the kids when they were little and now they are teens they are doing their own thing .but he has always encoured them in everything they do and has supported me.He works hard and has a tough job working 60 hours some weeks and night shifts.I consider myself lucky.

Just to be extra spiteful, I will add here that my husband works a mere 6 more paid hours a week than I do, so in my opinion a 50:50 split would be fair.
He's not dragging his pregnant, tired, hormonal belly around with him to work, either.

He finally did the dishes, btw, but he's also gone to bed without a word...so still sulking. His toddler son is more reasonable sometimes.

Here's hoping tomorrow he's his more usual, more reasonable self...

Just to be extra spiteful, I will add here that my husband works a mere 6 more paid hours a week than I do, so in my opinion a 50:50 split would be fair.
He's not dragging his pregnant, tired, hormonal belly around with him to work, either.

He finally did the dishes, btw, but he's also gone to bed without a word...so still sulking. His toddler son is more reasonable sometimes.

Here's hoping tomorrow he's his more usual, more reasonable self...They do sulk don't they?I think more than 50/50 split him doing more.I remember being tired working till 10pm and 8 months pregnant, nightmare.You have to praise em when they are good this way they do more:hihi:

OH is brilliant with the kids although he does dress them rather bizarrely when there in his care.
What is it with men and their more curious wardrobe decisions? My oh has made some deeply weird choices in my absence and sometimes I'm worried to meet him in a public place if he's dressed them. It's easier to pick some clothes in advance but funnier to leave him to it. He even gets their shoes on the wrong feet. My mum can always tell if it wasn't me who chose the girls clothes.

Mind you, even she's got them wrong a few times!

I let my youngest wear whatever.He loved wellies with everything ,shorts and wellies, spiderman suit and wellies, pj's and wellies :hihi:.They grow up so quick so it doesn't matter.My fella would have prefered them dressed 'properly'

I don't mind if the girls choose to wear something less practical, it's their fathers taste which distresses me :D

My OH has taken my children to school in PJ's a few times!

He says they look like their normal clothes.

He is great with them and me. He works 6 days a week 2-10, he gets up with them every morning gives them breakfast gets them dressed and takes them to school, 9/10 im not up before 8. He cleans and does the laundry althought he isnt great at cooking! If he cooks they get chips chips and more chips so he leaves that to me.

When they were babies he did his fair share unless i was breastfeeding. If i need my own space hes sending me out the door and i know he'll be fine with them.

Hes a fantastic provider. We have all his money! 4 kids are mega expensive and we have to be great at budgeting.

But all around hes a great guy i couldnt ask for more really! Ah bless i do love him :)

The question I have is:

How do we blokes get you women to sit down and stop rushing about?

For example, Im now doing the lot. And I MEAN the lot.

Im having to fight for it all though, Im actually getting into rows about it, telling her firmly to sit down, watch telly or whatever and SHUT UP!
The minute I turn my back though the bloody vacuums out and shes vacuuming or something.

What do I do? Knock the mad little bugger out or something?

The question I have is:

How do we blokes get you women to sit down and stop rushing about?

For example, Im now doing the lot. And I MEAN the lot.

Im having to fight for it all though, Im actually getting into rows about it, telling her firmly to sit down, watch telly or whatever and SHUT UP!
The minute I turn my back though the bloody vacuums out and shes vacuuming or something.

What do I do? Knock the mad little bugger out or something?
She must've have set a high standard.
If you followed her style of cleaning, cooking, and dressing the kid etc, then she will stop rushing around cos she will trust the standard, and at least it'll settle her mind.

Sometimes it's very hard to turn off the mothering instinct when your hormone is rushing around your head like crazy.

well with my OH its not exactly what he does its the quality of what he does!!!

You see he lived with his parents right up until he moved in with me and they used to do everything for him ( still do in some cases!) He is 5 years younger than me and learning but not fast enough! The baby is due in 7 weeks (or less) and he still does not realise how much he needs to do when it comes never mind just now.

He is great with shopping and taking mini sav (he is not her dad) to nursery and picking her up and sorting her out but house work or anything like that he is useless!

I have at least taught him how to tell when the washing thats hung up is dry:hihi::hihi: although its taking a few attempts to explain that packing the tumble dryer till its full does not dry clothes! he can also cook more then 2 meals now which is also a bonus however most of the meals he can cook involve pasta!

He gets his dad to sort out everything to do with his car and it bugs me cause he really needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet.

I know really its his mum and dads fault for.... dare i say it.... spoiling him! cause he is not stupid in anyway he just does not know as he has never had to do it! but it drives me insane.:loopy:

Other than all that i love him to bits :D

She must've have set a high standard.
If you followed her style of cleaning, cooking, and dressing the kid etc, then she will stop rushing around cos she will trust the standard, and at least it'll settle her mind.

Sometimes it's very hard to turn off the mothering instinct when your hormone is rushing around your head like crazy.

I do my best and its just as well done as when she does it- better as far as the kitchen and bathrooms are comcerned because I really put my back into those and I love cleaning them.
She just likes to... pick faults though, I suspect that shes testing my to see how far my patience will go. She often has a twinkle in her eye as if shes deliberately teasing me.

I know it's very unfair to compare men, and it's quite harsh too. Though, this thread do remind me of my ex too. :hihi:

He also was a bit of a mommy's boy, and his mom actually cook, clean for everyone. He sulks when she is not home to cook for him. :roll: I dunno whether it was because we're learning about each other, but that really rang alarm bells in my mind.

I remember flipping once when I went to his place and it had no food, whereas I would deliberately buy food to stock my cupboards whenever my friends come round. To me, it's courtesy. (This was really an eye opener for myself of what I like and value.)

I still also remember feeling sorry for him, so I cooked for him, but to his credit, he was very good to do the dishes straight away. I was silently impressed with that one, cos I didn't ask. Yet, I wasn't ready for him chasing me round with a plate when I had a biscuit in my hand because I could've dropped crumbs to his new carpets to his new place. :roll: I know he was proud of his place, but still... it left a very bad impression on me. lol. I was a bit grumpy after that.

I was also mad when he made me eat fried food and didn't think about meal planning. I just can't believe it, and I suppose he was also one of those people that moved out of his family home and into his own and expect to find an exact partner which replaces his mom's role, of which I was not prepared for. It was just too much too soon, I think.

I believe I once said to him, "I'm not your mother... I'm your gf." I guess we don't love each other enough to not take advantage of each other's good points. A lot of things you learn on your own when you live on your own, and become independent...

I always thought that if you do something out of your own accord, it is something that you thought of, and it is self altruistic, and because you love that person. When you have to ask, it makes you feel like you're the dictactor. That's how I feel any way.

It's not just about feeling like a dictator when you ask - they tell you to ask, and then use it as an excuse to say you're nagging (to be fair, my OH doesn't use the 'nag' word or he'd be dead by now)...but more to the point with me, it's only respectful and considerate of your 'beloved' to remember to do your bit, which is why I get so p-ed off when he insists I must constantly remind him and tell him what needs doing. I feel I'm not being respected, or not worthy of his consideration, and that turns me into the bull at whom the red rag is being waved, lol.