My OH used to be an escort for disabled children, she used to drive them to and from school and quit the job a couple of years ago to become my carer because of my sight problems.

Anyway, she just got news of a little girl that she used to escort, the little girl died this morning.


This is my OHs first brush with death and I must say its knocked her back a bit.
At 31, I had already seen lots of death and lost a lot of people and now at the tender age of 47 Ive seen lots more, but this is her first experience.

Is she lucky to have gone for 31 years without bereavement? Id say she isnt because one thing that death has taught me is that each bereavement (even though each one is a horrible, horrible experience) makes us that little bit stronger and able to handle the next one a little more easily...

Whats your opinion on this, poppets?

I am 24 and have only lost my great-grandmother. A lot of my friends think this makes me lucky, and of course it does.

However, I also believe that the deaths of my grandparents/other relatives will hit me harder now that I'm older as I know them as people. I have things in common with them and would miss them terribly. I think losing people at a younger age is easier to come back from.

I would say lucky, I would also say unlucky.

I didn't experience anything worse than a family pet dying as a child until I was 29-odd, then my Dad died. Blew me to pieces. Glad I got the dominant "resilient git" gene from him or it would've been a lot worse. Looking back on it now it was a bit odd, I seem to have 2-3 months afterwards I can't seem to remember.

Keep her occupied, & for a few days keep her away from people who sagely say "time is a great healer". It is, but it's no bloody use whatsoever for her at the moment. First 2-3 people who said that to me (poor sods, saying it is a reflex reaction) just about escaped.

I am 24 and have only lost my great-grandmother. A lot of my friends think this makes me lucky, and of course it does.

However, I also believe that the deaths of my grandparents/other relatives will hit me harder now that I'm older as I know them as people. I have things in common with them and would miss them terribly. I think losing people at a younger age is easier to come back from.

I lost my parents when I was 13 and it hit me very hard indeed, but when I look at adults now who are losing parents I realise that in lots of ways I was lucky because the adults are taking it much harder than I did at 13.

I'd say she was lucky. My first experience with real bereavement was when my mum died - I was 32.

I suppose you do get stronger with each bereavement you go through, at least to the extent that you know it is actually possible to get through it, no matter how hard it is.

But I'd rather have stayed weak for a few more years.

Is she lucky to have gone for 31 years without bereavement?
No, but everyone she's ever met is! :)

We were discussing this last week at work. One of the girls here is 25 and has never experienced anyone close to her dying, I thought that was against the norm. By the time I was 13 I'd already lost a grand parent to cancer and one of my friends to leukaemia. Since then unfortunately I've lost quite a few more people, as you say though, I think you learn to cope with it a bit better each time it happens. :(

I would say she's lucky not to have experienced the unhappiness losing someone causes, but it must be extra hard when its a child.

Id say she was lucky (if that is termed correct). I lost 2 of my grandads within 3 weeks of each other when I was 22. Although I wasnt that close to them, it still hurt.

I lost my parents when I was 13 and it hit me very hard indeed, but when I look at adults now who are losing parents I realise that in lots of ways I was lucky because the adults are taking it much harder than I did at 13.

I think that's a fair point. Sometimes children are more resilient to things like death, each child usually having his own way of dealing with it. I recall a school friend of mine who lost his father when we were aged around 11; he took is terribly. But it's probably true he learned to adapt sooner than an adult might have.

Also, parents can shield their offspring from the whole misery and gravity of death. You don't see too many youngsters at funerals and I didn't attend one till I was 20 years old (my grandfather's. Blimey, it felt quite novel!). Sadly, yet predictably, there has been a slow trickle of funerals ever since (including my father's).

Whenever it happens - and one guarantee in life is that we all die - it hurts but some folk either handle it better or maybe they just appear to be coping. Grief is personal and any help one can offer to someone grieving might go a long way to helping that person come to terms with what's happened.

My OH used to be an escort for disabled children, she used to drive them to and from school and quit the job a couple of years ago to become my carer because of my sight problems.

Anyway, she just got news of a little girl that she used to escort, the little girl died this morning.


This is my OHs first brush with death and I must say its knocked her back a bit.
At 31, I had already seen lots of death and lost a lot of people and now at the tender age of 47 Ive seen lots more, but this is her first experience.

Is she lucky to have gone for 31 years without bereavement? Id say she isnt because one thing that death has taught me is that each bereavement (even though each one is a horrible, horrible experience) makes us that little bit stronger and able to handle the next one a little more easily...

Whats your opinion on this, poppets?

I would never want anyone to feel the pain I have felt, so in my opinion the later the better. Loosing someone is truly devastating and never goes away. I dont think it makes you stronger. It think it makes you numb inside and eats at you everyday.

I would never want anyone to feel the pain I have felt, so in my opinion the later the better. Loosing someone is truly devastating and never goes away. I dont think it makes you stronger. It think it makes you numb inside and eats at you everyday.

I suppose it depends on the person who died. Parents and kids and siblings dying can be said to be totally different to the deaths of friends and extended family, the pain is that much more... unbearable and yeah, I have to agree that deaths like that just leave a scar thats so easily scratched and brought back to the surface again.

To me, getting to 31 without experiencing bereavement seems quite amazing.

We all deal with bereavement differently.

I feel Ive experienced more than my fair share, and would like to get it on record that Id appreciate a break for a good few years

I suppose it depends on the person who died. Parents and kids and siblings dying can be said to be totally different to the deaths of friends and extended family, the pain is that much more... unbearable and yeah, I have to agree that deaths like that just leave a scar thats so easily scratched and brought back to the surface again.

Yes the deaths of extended family and friends are different. They hurt deeply but dont override every waking moment like the death of your immediate family. I think the deaths of children are also harder to bear as your OH will be feeling right now. It feels like they have been cheated of their rights and turns everything on its head. If good prevails in this world why do the innocent die?

I have experienced people dying from being young. I'd say it would be strange to get through a year without someone I know dying!!

Its ok saying that it makes you deal with the next one better, but when my granddad died in January, I am still affected by it now, I could easily sit and cry when I think about him! I would say it has affected me so much more than anyone else that I know who has died.

at 27 I've never lost anyone I am close too, all my grandparents bar one are dead but I was only a baby when they passed away and TBH I am dreading losing someone now, my OH has lost a lot of her family and she's only 21, I went to her grandads cremation and although I had only met him 2 - 3 times, I cried my eyes out, I was actually the 1st to go and started everyone else off :roll:

I don't even like to talk about it, scares the living death out of me...

What a hard question to answer.....I lost my dad when I was only 9, my maternal grandmother (who lived with us) when I was 11 (I found her body and I was by myself), my maternal grandfather when I was 13. Since then I've lost Aunts, Uncles, a cousin and just 4 years ago, my mother. I'm 42 now and while it does get easier, in the respect that I have more coping skills than when I was a child, I would readily give up those experiences to have kept my loved ones longer.

Hope your OH gets past the pain soon, Jabber.

Im going for lucky ..
I lost my grandma at 9 which i took quite bad.
And then at 23 i was the one who found my dad dead. Not a nice way to have to remember him. But now reading at CottonTops message above im now grateful that i was an adult and i could handle the situation.Must be terrible for a child to find a loved one.

I would much rather have got to that age and not experienced bereavement. In the past year I've lost my grandmother and this week I've lost my grandfather. No matter how well you're prepared for these things - they always hurt.

Big hugs from me xx

Pass my condolences to you OH.

I suffered my first bereavement when I was 8 years old and they have been fairly regular occurences since then. I think that I've been very lucky because as a child of that age you understand about death but you have a resilience that helps you get through it. Plus all of my bereavements were people whose time had come - either they were very old or they had been very ill for a long time so none of the deaths were unexpected. I can't begin to imagine how awful a sudden unexpected death must be.

It must be horrific for your OH to experience her first bereavement as the death of a child when she is a mother herself - it will have brought lots of hidden fears to the surface.

Give her a big hug - she needs it.

However, I also believe that the deaths of my grandparents/other relatives will hit me harder now that I'm older as I know them as people.

I'd have to agree with this. I'm 30 now and 5 of my relatives have died during that time, an uncle and all of my grandparents. My uncle and maternal grandmother both died before I was 10 and whilst I was sad it didn't really hit me. My grandfathers deaths happened when I was 22 and 29 and they both hit me hard because I'd gotten to know them so much more.

Only the death of my paternal grandmother a few years ago didn't hit me but that was because we were all just relieved that her suffering was over. I guess at some point the relief that it's finally over outweighs the grief.

I envy her, to be honest!

I have now, at the age of 27, lost 2 grannies and one granddad in the last 8 years, and eventhough all grandparents were 90+, each and every one of these experiences felt like it was more that I could handle. The most recent death, leaving me with no grandparents, occured a year ago this weekend, and since then, I became accutely aware that the next generation to die would be my own parents - the thought of which was completely intolerable to me. Thankfully, I innocently believed, I would not have to suffer that pain for many many years.

However, in the last month, we discovered, out of the blue, that my dad has an incurable brain tumour, and is unlikely to see his 61st birthday next Eastertime. Knowing how indescribably painful I found the deaths of my old grandparents, I have no idea how I will survive the next 8-12 months. He's my rock, and I already know that upset will be incomparable, and the loss complete. It's all so unreal, and too awful to contemplate.

So...yeah, experiencing the extremes of emotion that accompany a bereavement can make you stronger and more 'rounded', but I would not wish it on anyone.

However this puts my situation into perspective....

What a hard question to answer.....I lost my dad when I was only 9, my maternal grandmother (who lived with us) when I was 11 (I found her body and I was by myself), my maternal grandfather when I was 13. Since then I've lost Aunts, Uncles, a cousin and just 4 years ago, my mother. I'm 42 now

I have encountered bereavement from the age of 18, when I lost my beautiful daughter aged one month to meningitis. Over the years I have lost lots of close family members, but the most heartbreaking being my lovely daughter, my dad at the age of 53, and a few years ago, my step-dad and mum dying within three weeks of each other. I only have a couple of relatives left now - the saying is true - as you get older your world gets smaller.

I envy her, to be honest!

I have now, at the age of 27, lost 2 grannies and one granddad in the last 8 years, and eventhough all grandparents were 90+, each and every one of these experiences felt like it was more that I could handle. The most recent death, leaving me with no grandparents, occured a year ago this weekend, and since then, I became accutely aware that the next generation to die would be my own parents - the thought of which was completely intolerable to me. Thankfully, I innocently believed, I would not have to suffer that pain for many many years.

However, in the last month, we discovered, out of the blue, that my dad has an incurable brain tumour, and is unlikely to see his 61st birthday next Eastertime. Knowing how indescribably painful I found the deaths of my old grandparents, I have no idea how I will survive the next 8-12 months. He's my rock, and I already know that upset will be incomparable, and the loss complete. It's all so unreal, and too awful to contemplate.

So...yeah, experiencing the extremes of emotion that accompany a bereavement can make you stronger and more 'rounded', but I would not wish it on anyone.

It's hard to see the sliver lining in situations like this with your father, but just think, you'll have the opportunity to say whatever you need to say to him before he's gone. In all but one of the deaths in my family (my mom) the deaths were sudden. No good byes. But I got a chance to tell my mom what she meant to me. I can take some comfort in that.

It will be a long 8-12 months, a very long good bye for you. I feel for you, for the long road ahead. Take comfort where you can find it. You may discover you are much stronger than you thought.

The worst experience I had was my father dying when I was 17 in 1963. My mother, over 30 years later, died at the age of 86. My mum had dementia/Alzheimer's, and so I felt the loss of her long before her actual death. And, as her physical and mental condition continued to get worse, it was inevitable and welcome when it came.

I am realistic when it comes to death, losing elderly parents/grandparents is a natural part of life and although we mourn them we usually cope. Its much more difficult to deal with the 'unnatural' deaths, ie children dying before parents, the loss of parents of young children, siblings or indeed anyone young.

i was in hospital with leukaemia when i was about 4. quite often i would see children, make friends and then one day their room was empty. its only now that i can piece together that my parents were crying, their parents were crying, and obviously that child had passed away. its strange but a bit like grieving for them now because i couldn't when i was younger. and having my own children now i can't even imagine what my parents or those not so lucky were feeling like. x