My mum once went to Leeds on a shopping trip. She phoned to say she had to come home without even getting off the bus, as part of the city was sealed off due to 'An armed sage'
I had visions of that little herb muscling around carrying an automatic weapon.....

Another famous Mum quote: I've been on a really good diet... what was it called.... Ah! it was a Low libido diet!
(could she have meant low lipid):hihi:

And then there was the time she bought a 'Gee Bees' CD:D
Bless!

This thread inspired by Nick2s stories elsewhere :)

My boyfriends mum claims to have "Curtains 95" on her computer.

My mum (and this is true) walked into B&Q and asked if they sold Dildo rails, then tried to cover it up with "oh sorry, I meant Dado, I was thinking about something else".

Not my Mom, but my Aunt's Mom said "I've nothing against these homosexuals, but I wish they'd stop shoving it down everyones' throat". :thumbsup: :hihi:

K x

Thats a classic K :hihi: MUMS DONT YOU JUST LOVE THEM.;)

My close friend's Mom is a classic! She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she's got a good heart! I remember as a teenager sitting around at their house playing Trivial Pursuit. We used to laugh so much at the answers she gave 'cos they were nearly always comical. Of course the laughter was up our sleeves, 'cos we didn't want to offend her!

Q. In science, what element boils at the highest temperature?
A. The kettle element!


Q. What is a name for an Native American's tent?
A. A toupee!


Q. In the proverb, what gathers no moss?
A. A old fool!


Q. The word Motel is made of which two English words
A. Hotel (prompted with 'thats right; what's the other one'?) She thinks, and then says Guesthouse!

In fairness, these questions were out of the childrens edition!

I'm sure there were loads more, but that's all I can think of for now!

J, an acquaintance of mine, was given a mobile phone as a present by her married daughter. J sat in a meeting, and as she was expecting a very important call, switched the ring tone to pulsate.

During the presentation, her phone rang loudly. J jumped to her feet, fumbled to switch the phone off, and, very embarrassed, apologised with the immortal words "I'm sorry, it should have been my vibrator that went off".

Mums - don't you just love 'em!

Another forgotten one from Mother Draggletail
'The new medical centre is lovely - it's got a roof with see through glass!'
And:
What sort of car is this?
Me: A volkswagon.
A Volkswagon! Ooh! - They go up hills don't they!!

She's great though, she sees the funny side of it too:)

My ex mum in law was visiting her Dad in hospital when she announced to the concerned relatives sat round the bed that the nurse would be coming soon to fit a CAVITY!

Obviously she meant catherta :D

My mum said

Put those elbows down, you'll have somone's eye out. Thus far I have not been invited into an operation that got difficult at any eye hospital where they could not remove an eye.

She also said, 'Go to your room until you can act properly'. I spent hours learning Shakespear

Then she said 'Who do you think you are talking too?'. Well I thought for 8 years you were my mum

And the fave rave of any mum, 'Look behind your ears' If only I could do that I would be worth a zillion

Mums, where would we be without em

Mum - A spider's not an animal!
Me - What is it then?
Mum - An insect!

That was wrong on so many levels :loopy:

My Mam reminds me of good old Hyacinth Bucket.....never wrong...always right...My poor old Dad gets lugged around like a piece of baggage....just like poor Richard!!

But one night she was furious that poor old Dad had failed to catch two street urchins breaking into next doors car...... she had been upstairs putting some ironing away and heard a noise outside... peeped out of the curtain and realised these youths were inside Mrs Ropers car!!!!

She'd then stood at the top of the stairs shouting 'quietly' for Dad to come !!

She later stormed into the front room and bellowed fat lot of good you are...they've gone now...

What on earth...me Dad had no idea....I have been shouting you quietly for 10 mins etc etc

Well if you shout me QUIETLY how the hell am I going to hear you .... grumbled me Dad !!!

He missed the rest of his programme on TV going round the block 10 times with a Yorkshire Terrier and a scrap piece of paper with their descriptions written upon it!!!

While me Mam held all the glory of phoning the police and telling them 'how useless her Husband was....!!

Poor old Dad......

:rolleyes:

Originally posted by shieshuk
My Mam reminds me of good old Hyacinth Bucket.....never wrong...always right...My poor old Dad gets lugged around like a piece of baggage....just like poor Richard!!

But one night she was furious that poor old Dad had failed to catch two street urchins breaking into next doors car...... she had been upstairs putting some ironing away and heard a noise outside... peeped out of the curtain and realised these youths were inside Mrs Ropers car!!!!

She'd then stood at the top of the stairs shouting 'quietly' for Dad to come !!

She later stormed into the front room and bellowed fat lot of good you are...they've gone now...

What on earth...me Dad had no idea....I have been shouting you quietly for 10 mins etc etc

Well if you shout me QUIETLY how the hell am I going to hear you .... grumbled me Dad !!!

He missed the rest of his programme on TV going round the block 10 times with a Yorkshire Terrier and a scrap piece of paper with their descriptions written upon it!!!

While me Mam held all the glory of phoning the police and telling them 'how useless her Husband was....!!

Poor old Dad......

:rolleyes:

Did she at any point that night fall into the privet of the poor relations? That happens EVERY week to Hyacinth! :D

Just remembered another thing my Mom's friend said the other day about the pyjamas she had bought her little great-grandson; they had 'Bill the Bobder' on them! What a Malaprop!

I had to go in the kitchen to have a chortle! :hihi:

K x

Oh she's done that one too - Always calls Matalan,,,,,

MATALAND - like it some theme park LOL!!!

My father-in-law once said to me across the table at a 'Wedding'....I ought to get myself a VIBRATOR!!

I spat my wine out and almost choked....so embarrassing!!

He then went very red and said ' you know one of those massage cushions!!

I was suffering a bad back at the time !!

LOL

Classic!!!!!

My dad and I were once watching an old Elvis film (I can't remember which one). My mum came in half way through, glanced at the telly and said "ooh I don't think I've seen this one, did he make it before he died?"

Originally posted by shieshuk
[B]Oh she's done that one too - Always calls Matalan,,,,,

MATALAND - like it some theme park LOL!!!


My Mum pronounces quiche 'quitch' and lasagna 'lasain' and we can't tell her any different.
She enjoys eating it though, so thats alright;)

One of my Mum's neighbours says

"ooooh my knee's causing me HADDOCK"

and

"I'm just going shopping at KIWI Save"

and

"The MIDGITS have been biting Roy's legs"

Mum's neighbours, eh? Don't you just love 'em?
Erm no.....!:loopy: :loopy:

my mum always used to say 'if you don't go out and steal three litres of sherry - i'll stab your face off with a bread knife' Mums!!! They say the funniest things!!!:hihi: :rolleyes:
Only... she actually meant it:|

Originally posted by miniminch
my mum always used to say 'if you don't go out and steal three litres of sherry - i'll stab your face off with a bread knife' Mums!!! They say the funniest things!!!:hihi: :rolleyes:
Only... she actually meant it:|

Lol @ miniminch's mum.....! :P

Did she get any assistance with her drink disorder...?

Originally posted by BoroughGal
Lol @ miniminch's mum.....! :P

Did she get any assistance with her drink disorder...?
I may have exaggerated a smidge!:blush:

Originally posted by SilentStatic
Mum - A spider's not an animal!
Me - What is it then?
Mum - An insect!

That was wrong on so many levels :loopy:

I've had the same conversation, but it continued with

Me - It's not an insect
Mum - what is it then smart arse ?
Me - An arachnid
Mum - Oh don't you just know everyhting
Me - Everyone knows that
Mum - Everyone but me, so I'm stupid now am I ? how do you cope with your stupid mother ?, etc. etc. etc.

My mum has provided us with the obligatory "Dildo rail" comment and some total random weirdness over the years.

However the award has to go to my Grandad ( a fine fellow and really a true gentleman), one christmas many years past we were all gathered round the telly post meal and he turned to my brother, who was custodian of the radio times and said "And what have we got on next then Jimmy?"

"E.T - The extra terrestrial, Grandad"

"Extra testicle!" He exploded "It's too early for that kind of filth...... and at christmas too!" and promptly turned the televison off.

My mums best one came on a beach in Spain, a sign said

"All refuse to be put in a bin"

to which my mum replied

"All refuse to be put in a bin??! Thats stupid who's going to accept to be put in that smelly old thing" :loopy:

Originally posted by shieshuk
Oh she's done that one too - Always calls Matalan,,,,,

MATALAND -

My mum for reasons unknown to the rest of the universe calls it "Matalmfritterfeatures"....how odd...:loopy:

She calls me "George"....probably something to do with the braces i had when i was young...but lately has started calling me "Georgeardis"??? I mean its not as if its anything LIKE my name!! :suspect: She calls my dad "Farteleaty"???? I think she needs professional help!?

A friends mother when asked what happened in the closing scene of an episode of Kojak told her "They caught him at the scene of the cream and took him away in cufflinks" :)

its like black hole a cal cutter? or its like black pool illuminations? depending on whether the lights were on or off (mostly off in my head!!)
eat ur crusts - made ur hair curl
and boogies are barcles - my family is weird

My Mum did a fantastic one the other day, bless her.

Bear in mind that she lived in the States for a few years and is still infected by some American Language issues...

She, my husband and I all sat down to a nice breakfast during a visit to her house. First cup of coffee, plate of food, all mellow and just waking up...you know, that early morning peace.
Suddenly my Mum pipes up "Ooh, I meant to tell you I bought a new pair of waterproof pants last week."

The look on Mark's face!! I spat my coffee across the room and fell on the floor laughing while he tried to think of something suitable to say to that little admission.

Thankfully Mum realised what she'd just said and fell about ,too, letting Mark off the hook.

I haven't laughed so hard in months...surprised I didn't give birth then and there, lol.

(And just in case you aren't familiar with americanisms...my darling mother had been out and purchased some waterproof trousers for walking the dog in the rain and long grass.);)

Cosy (okay, ouch, that still sets me off...:clap: )

She calls me "George"....probably something to do with the braces i had when i was young...but lately has started calling me "Georgeardis"??? I mean its not as if its anything LIKE my name!! :suspect: She calls my dad "Farteleaty"???? I think she needs professional help!? [/B][/QUOTE]

*************************************

Avalon: arhhhhhhh thats fantastic Ive not laughed that much ever. I had tears and snot coming down my nose at the same time. Is she italian ????lol

Ive not got any mum quotes but my friend once said (asking about my friend who had just given birth)
HOW LONG WAS SHE PREGNANT FOR????

Another friend admiring one of the shrubs in the garden
THATS A RATHER NICE PENIS (peony)

Originally posted by technophobe


Glad i made you smile! :)

Don't ya just love it when they say...I'm not telling you again...

Is it just me or is that a free ticket to do whatever you want..:clap: :clap: :clap:

In the olden days my mum, bless her heart, always bought cheese in chunks the size of a house brick (at least). She still does, in fact, even though we have all left home (except for my layabout brother, shame of the Snooty clan). During my early teenage years I would often be found in the kitchen slicing off some cheese from the brick to make a sandwich. Mother would invariably shout, 'don't you use all of that!', as though I was going to make 150 sandwiches!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by technophobe
[B]Avalon: arhhhhhhh thats fantastic Ive not laughed that much ever. [QUOTE]

I don't know why that post of yours made me laugh so much Avalon but it did ... (got face ache now)

and the MATALAND one too ... my old crone of an auntie always called it that ... and we do too now in her memory ... mad as a hatter but we loved her to pieces ...

The Black Hole of Calcutta and the Blackpool Illuminations was one of my mother's favourites too, accompanied by a smart snap on or off of the light switch either blinding us or plunging us into semi darkness! ... another one of hers "take those shoes off in here, I don't know how you don't break your ankles cockling about on those heels" (this from a woman who wore 3 inch heels every day of her life, she could never see the irony).

Wish she was still here to tell me off though :(

My mother-in-law says the most hilarious things.

We are thinking of having a 'conservative' on the back of the house.

Talking about a family dog one day she said 'I think it was the c*nt of the litter' ( meaning runt of course )

I'll think of some more.:thumbsup:

Originally posted by missb
My mother-in-law says the most hilarious things.

We are thinking of having a 'conservative' on the back of the house.

Talking about a family dog one day she said 'I think it was the c*nt of the litter' ( meaning runt of course )

I'll think of some more.:thumbsup:
Quality quotes....... keep 'em coming:D

Only yesterday I visited my parents and layabout brother during the screening of the classic WW2 film, 'The Battle Of Midway'. My layabout brother stuck his head 'round the door as yet another japanese kamikaze 'plane crashed into the USS Yorktown. He asked, 'what's this?' My mother replied, 'it's The Battle of Medway'. My mind was filled instantly with images of the japanese imperial carrier fleet cruising along Hampshire's most tranquil fly-fishing idyll. (That's the River Medway, geog fans). 'The Battle Of Halfway' would have been funnier, and of greater local interest, but hey ho - the truth must be told.

my mum says weird things all the time
she talks in her sleep too, once she said "no more flying fridge"
:huh::roll:

rubydazzler: Your obviously of the same ilk as me cause both those quotes gave me a face ache too!!!

For anything (well nearly) marks on clothing etc my mum always used to say "PUT ABIT OF SOAP ON THE CORNER OF THE TOWEL - THAT SHOULD WORK" and do you know it still works now, for stains on almost any fabric.

Talk about "come to your dad.... always thinkin" it should be MUM.

Originally posted by nick2


My mum (and this is true) walked into B&Q and asked if they sold Dildo rails, then tried to cover it up with "oh sorry, I meant Dado, I was thinking about something else".


My boyfriend and i painted the living room and when my mum was telling her friend what we had done she said its white on top, brown on the bottom with a dildo rail going the whole way round the middle...her friend never looks at me the same anymore!

Mum (looking at the avocado I'd picked up in the supermarket) 'ooooh love you don't want that, me and your dad had one of those for pudding last week, it ruined the taste of the strawberries and cream'

Nana post christmas dinner charade years ago tucked her skirt in her knickers and paraded up and down giggling, none of us got it, the card definately did not say transvestite but she clearly thought it did...

Great Grandma (to grandad who was pinching chips from her plate) do that again and I'll W*NK you!

My Mom came out with a classic one today in Asda: 'I must get some purple milk'!

Now forgive me if I have led a sheltered life, but I've never seen purple milk, unless it's been mixed with blueberries. I assume she was referring to the colour on the label, but it made me smile! :)

K x

Originally posted by Kristian
My Mom came out with a classic one today in Asda: 'I must get some purple milk'!


My mum calls it that too, it's the colour of the label, she started doing that after we fell about laughing at the request for "semi-skilled milk".

She also has an anoying habit of calling a latte coffee a "lartay" and ciabatta bread "chip batter bread".

Does anyone elses mom say '5 and 20 past instead of 25 past? or is my mom just odd?

My mum is in the 'Mataland' gang aswell.

Originally posted by nick2
My mum calls it that too, it's the colour of the label, she started doing that after we fell about laughing at the request for "semi-skilled milk".

She also has an anoying habit of calling a latte coffee a "lartay" and ciabatta bread "chip batter bread".

Hey, hang on! Latte IS pronounced 'lartay'! Got to smile about the chip-batter bread though! It sounds delicious! :D

My elderly neighbour just made me smile by referring to 'Stars in Their Eyes' as 'Star in Your Eye'!

It made me smile anyway!

It was the 'semi skilled milk' that had me rolling around. Made my day :hihi:

This thread is brilliant - my eyes are watering from trying not to laugh at loud in the middle of the office.

My mum has gone of the rails a bit recently and now does a fine line in self help books (the seriously hippy, tree-hugging and tie-dye variety).

Recently she bought a book about angels and now she seriously believes she had a troupe of little cherubs following her around (appologies if you also believe this!!!).

The other day she found a feather on her doorstep and said: "Oh, my angel must have left that."

Or a bird perhaps?

Then when I was having a tough time at work her solution was: "Don't worry love, I'll get my angel to have a quiet word with your boss's angel and then everything will be okay."

But of course! Why didn't I think of that?!

Originally posted by JBee
This thread is brilliant - my eyes are watering from trying not to laugh at loud in the middle of the office.

My mum has gone of the rails a bit recently and now does a fine line in self help books (the seriously hippy, tree-hugging and tie-dye variety).

Recently she bought a book about angels and now she seriously believes she had a troupe of little cherubs following her around (appologies if you also believe this!!!).

The other day she found a feather on her doorstep and said: "Oh, my angel must have left that."

Or a bird perhaps?

Then when I was having a tough time at work her solution was: "Don't worry love, I'll get my angel to have a quiet word with your boss's angel and then everything will be okay."

But of course! Why didn't I think of that?!

Was this one of Diana Cooper's books? Don't knock it till you've tried it!

Originally posted by JBee
The other day she found a feather on her doorstep and said: "Oh, my angel must have left that."

Or a bird perhaps?


I've had that kind of thing..

Mum : pointing at bin "How did that get there ?"
Me : "the binman put it there ?"
Mum :"No, I don't think so, it's probably a cat"
Me : "Here we go again"
Mum : "I know you think I'm mad, but I'm not"
Me : "You clearly are if you think a cat can move a huge wheely bin"
Mum : "IT IS EMPTY"

Originally posted by nick2
I've had that kind of thing..

Mum : pointing at bin "How did that get there ?"
Me : "the binman put it there ?"
Mum :"No, I don't think so, it's probably a cat"
Me : "Here we go again"
Mum : "I know you think I'm mad, but I'm not"
Me : "You clearly are if you think a cat can move a huge wheely bin"
Mum : "IT IS EMPTY"
What can I say nick - your mum is the best :) :D

Nick2: your mum sounds really cool!

By the way does that mean she really does think a cat could move it because it was empty????

My mum has loads of unusual phrases. I think then one I never really undersood was:

Me: What's that?
Mum: A layhole for meddlers

:confused:

Originally posted by MrHelicopter
My mum has loads of unusual phrases. I think then one I never really undersood was:

Me: What's that?
Mum: A layhole for meddlers

:confused:

My Gran's version:

Mom: What's that?

Gran: A jim jam for keeping Meddlers noses in! :loopy:

Me : is this Jasmin ?
Mum : no, a clitoris
Me : you mean a clamatis ?
Mum : yes

She uses the wrong word so often that we don't notice it anymore, we just substitute another word that makes more sense.

The very best one was when she got arrested at the Egyptian border as a suspected terrorist.
I'll tell you that one tommorow.

Originally posted by nick2
The very best one was when she got arrested at the Egyptian border as a suspected terrorist.
I'll tell you that one tommorow.

Nick, your stories are so funny! Tell us NOW! *Stamps feet like child*

This one occurred this morning; same elderly neighbour talking about her friend's husband, and his job as an undertaker:

'He's one of them Funeral Decorators'! :D

My 99 year old Gran calls Sainsbury's - Saintsberrys and Crystal Peaks is always Silver Peaks.

My kids think I am weird, not for daft things I say, but for using current terminology. I referred to a necklace someone was wearing in a film as "a bit of bling" and they fell about laughing! Apparently, I am not allowed to say anything remotely modern!

My mum spent a good while wondering what the word 'fromatob' meant........ having seen a bus with 'From A to B' on the side! (Hope you're reading this, mum!)

Oh, and what's with everyone spelling 'mum' the American way; 'mom'??

Leah xx

The last few posts of reminded me of some others.

My Mom used to refer to Crystal Peaks as 'Twin Peaks', but that was around the time the show was on; and my now famous 'elderly neighbour' continually refers to cranberry juice as 'Canterbury juice'! :clap:

Old ladies; you gotta love 'em! :thumbsup:

Originally posted by nick2
......The very best one was when she got arrested at the Egyptian border as a suspected terrorist.
I'll tell you that one tommorow.

Have you forgotten Nick2, or have you changed your mind?
Or where you kidding:)

Originally posted by Draggletail
Have you forgotten Nick2, or have you changed your mind?
Or where you kidding:)

Sorry I forgot to post it.

Mum went to the Red Sea for a couple of weeks, they decided to go to Petra, which is across the border in Jordan (or wherever), when they came back they had to have their passports checked at the border.

The guard pulled mum out of the line and asked if she had altered her passport photo, and if her passport was infact a forgery and she might be a terrorist.

While they were interviewing her evryone else had got on the coach and left.

When she told me this story she ended it with ..... "It's a good job I wasn't wearing my combat print shorts or they would never have believed me", yeah, because terrorists regularly go round in a bikini top, combat shorts and flip-flops.

Anyway, she now has in Interpol record, or so she says.

Hey Draggletail, what about the 'cuckoo' after 'foggy dew' - that's the best bit! Oh, and by the way, were you aware that a movement is accomplished in six stages, and the seventh brings return?

Originally posted by LordSnooty
Hey Draggletail, what about the 'cuckoo' after 'foggy dew' - that's the best bit! Oh, and by the way, were you aware that a movement is accomplished in six stages, and the seventh brings return?

You mean my 'signature quote' :).....

Well, of course!
To finish the verse you started (from 'Chapter 24')

'The seven is the number of the young light
It forms when darkness is increased by one.
Change returns success
Going and coming without error.
Action brings good fortune'

- Inspired by the i-ching-
But I think you probably know all this;)

Actually I didn't know it was inspired by the I-Ching - thanks for the ref. Any ideas where I can get Candy and a Currant Bun and Apples and Oranges from, without having to buy a boxed set?

Originally posted by LordSnooty
Actually I didn't know it was inspired by the I-Ching - thanks for the ref. Any ideas where I can get Candy and a Currant Bun and Apples and Oranges from, without having to buy a boxed set?
PMing you, otherwise I am going off thread on my own thread :)

Talking to the mother-in-law on the phone today I had to stifle a laugh when she was telling me about looking after two of her great-grandchildren this week. 'They aren't much trouble, they just sit playing with themselves':o

My mums favourite was Look after the pennies the pounds will look after themselves

My Mom has just come out with a classic! :D She was sat quietly doing a crossword, and asked me to look something up on the internet for her becasue she was struggling with one clue. The clue was 'Sir ----- John Candle'

My search proved fruitless, until she said 'Hang on, the clue goes on two lines'.



Wait for it.



The full clue was 'Sir ----- John, Candle in the Wind singer'.

Bless her! Can anyone recommend a good retirement home? ;)

Originally posted by Leah
My mum spent a good while wondering what the word 'fromatob' meant........ having seen a bus with 'From A to B' on the side! (Hope you're reading this, mum!)


Leah xx

Uh-huh .... I think I'm going to start a revenge thread on 'things kids say'.

'Putting it back' ? ;-)

A neighbour's mum rang me last night to inform me that the problem I was having with my CCTV camera was most likely to do with the 'scarlet' lead!:D

Originally posted by lectrolove
Uh-huh .... I think I'm going to start a revenge thread on 'things kids say'.

'Putting it back' ? ;-)

I reckon 'The things kids say' thread is a great Idea:) :thumbsup:
Do it!

Originally posted by Draggletail
I reckon 'The things kids say' thread is a great Idea:) :thumbsup:
Do it!

I'll wait and give Leah a chance to bribe me not to ...

Originally posted by lectrolove
I'll wait and give Leah a chance to bribe me not to ...

Bribe?? Blackmail!

You know I have 'informations' that could almost certainly have you arrested.
Bring it on, bitch.

Leah xx

Originally posted by Draggletail
My Mum pronounces quiche 'quitch' and lasagna 'lasain' and we can't tell her any different.
She enjoys eating it though, so thats ok ;)

My elderly neighbour has just been telling me on the phone about when her son was a 'Company Dictator' I'm guessing she meant director... :D

K x

My parents are staying in Bakewell at the moment for today is their 41st wedding anniversary *congrats to Mam and Dad*!!

She sent me a text saying they have spent a lovely morning at Bakewell market in the sunshine and are planning to visit Lady Blommer thisafternoon.....she doesn't have predictive text on her phone either...:confused:

My youngest son has come back from Grandma's and keeps telling me 'I've got a 'Rusty' on my chin...*frowns*'

:confused: :loopy:

Originally posted by Kristian
My elderly neighbour has just been telling me on the phone about when her son was a 'Company Dictator' I'm guessing she meant director... :D


My grandad used to tell me that they had capital punishment for anyone who misbehaved at his school :help:

My mother is terrible with names. Two of her classic gaffs that stick in my mind were her disgust back in 1986 at that 'cheatin' Argentinian Madonna' and again on an Argentinian theme (I don't know whether that is significant) she thrilled telling us years ago that my eldest sister was taking her to London for her birthday. She was going shopping, staying at a 'dead posh' hotel and going to see a musical, Andrew Lloyd Webber's Ryvita :loopy:

My favourite thing that mum's say was one the late great Dave Allen used to tell about his mum. Apparently when he was a kid and he went climbing trees she'd warn him 'If you fall down and break your legs don't come running to me'!:clap:

Andrew Lloyd Webber's Ryvita - that had me proper laughing! :D :thumbsup: :clap:

Originally posted by Kristian
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Ryvita - that had me proper laughing! :D :thumbsup: :clap:

I was all for not telling her but little brother (spoil sport) told her the real name.
Mind she still goes on about Madonna, he was on telly a few months ago showing him going to rehab or something, she still calls him it, bless her :D

an elderly next door neighbour' son was in hospital really poorly.

Me:"How is your lad today?"

Old Lady " He is a lot better, he had trouble with his

breathing, but they put him on an elevator and he has picked

up."

Bless her.

She also said she was constipating whether to go and visit him that night or not.

My mum once asked for a tin of Durex paint.

the bloomer i am best known for was when i asked the ice-cream man for a 69er
blushing at the thought of it
he did answer " you are very fruity tonight Mrs."

The last two times we've visited my mum, she has made reference to Sainsburys 'vegetarian ice cream' :confused:
Today we questioned this, and she replied that it's vegetarian because it's made with semi skimmed milk :suspect:

Originally posted by nick2
My boyfriends mum claims to have "Curtains 95" on her computer.
.

She wasn't joking, that's a good description of windows OS

My mum regularly ask's me if i've been playing with my 'little tapper outer'. I got a little concerned about this until i realised she meant my PC................Phew !! :P

My Dad had just been cremated and there we all were round Mum's having drinks and eats.
Suddenly , as one of the family had just taken a bite from a sandwich Mum said:
" Your Dad made those sandwiches a couple of weeks ago, he didn't want them to go to waste so he put them in the freezer"

We didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sure she didn't realise what she'd said

Another one: a friend's mum said she'djust bought some really tasty gaytox from Waitrose.
It took a long time to work out that she meant gateaux

Originally posted by LordSnooty
Only yesterday I visited my parents and layabout brother during the screening of the classic WW2 film, 'The Battle Of Midway'. My layabout brother stuck his head 'round the door as yet another japanese kamikaze 'plane crashed into the USS Yorktown. He asked, 'what's this?' My mother replied, 'it's The Battle of Medway'. My mind was filled instantly with images of the japanese imperial carrier fleet cruising along Hampshire's most tranquil fly-fishing idyll. (That's the River Medway, geog fans). 'The Battle Of Halfway' would have been funnier, and of greater local interest, but hey ho - the truth must be told.


The Medway my Lord is in Kent

My mum rang me one day at work and was telling me how someone's house has been raided near us and apparantly the guy was a "peterfile"
me -> :confused:
mum -> you know, someone who abuses children....

Just thought of two more:

Ring of the Lords (easy mistake?)

Patio door (the wine Piat D'or, amazingly the customers in our shop always know what my parents are on about..)

I once got my Mother some alka seltzer tablets as she wasn't too good. Later that night got a phone call , "Them thingimibobs tha got me there rubbish , I've purrem in watter an thi waint melt" Off I trots down to her house ,she had only been trying to dissolve the polystyrene packing peice out of the top. She alway's used to laugh when we mentioned it :)

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

An absolute classic from my gran, it still makes me laugh now.

at her house a few years ago and my cousin was there too. his mobile phone started ringing, and he took the call, Gran looked a little bit puzzled by this and turned to me and said "How did they know he was here"

My Mum clearly follows in my Grans footsteps as one we were all in Cornwall feeding the Seagulls our Chips My Mum piped up "Look at them they're like gannets"

Ok my laptop will die soon as I have just spat juice all over it!


My mum and me were on holiday;

Me: "mum my teeth are looking really white recently"

Mum: "That'll be that new shampoo"

:hihi:

Forgot about this one

my other gran picks up some right bargains from T Rex's ( TK Max)

On Holiday with my mum and Dad in a cottage, The bathroom sink was really old and had a really small plug, I said to my mum, look at the size of the plug, and Mum replied " Yes it only just fits"

:loopy:

Looking at the budgie, my grandmother says
"Let our Peter out of the cage for a fly"
Great grandmother:
"Why does he like them?"

Great aunt
"Our Colin has got one of those sexual sheds"
(Sectional?)

Ok now i do REALY do think i was adopted at birth.

I got a call today from my mum as she was filling in a form for something.

mum- hi love i need to ask you something
me - ok what that
mum - i m filling out a form and need to know ur year of birth
me- ok but i belive you was at my birth,but you do not know it
mum - i know but you know what it like these days with my head.


Ho menopause how im looking forward to that one NOT.Latley they has been a lot of stupid things said by her because of this, but too many to list.

My lovely partially-sighted Mother just asked me for some help on a crossword she was stuck on. She said the clue was 'Teeth, mouth', and started OC.

I had a little think for a while and couldn't help her. After the illuminated magnifying glass came out she let me know the actual clue was 'Tenth month'.

Well, it made me laugh anyway! :hihi:

K x

My mum is the most embarrassing mum in the world!

Some kids on our road have invented a new game where they see how many outdoor Christmas tree lightbulbs they can pinch.

My mum noticed and got got so irritated she put a note on the tree :rolleyes:
Saying something along the lines of 'smile your on candid camera'

How embarrasing? lol

Originally posted by Kristian
My lovely partially-sighted Mother just asked me for some help on a crossword she was stuck on. She said the clue was 'Teeth, mouth', and started OC.

I had a little think for a while and couldn't help her. After the illuminated magnifying glass came out she let me know the actual clue was 'Tenth month'.

Well, it made me laugh anyway! :hihi:

K x

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Mum said to Dad

"Have been to Sainsbury's to get some of them 'possums' "

Dad "Do you mean 'poissins'?"

Mum "Oh you know me, I cant I.C.I on parley"*

*(taken from a shop window in Jersey: "Ici on parle Francais" )

my mum was suffering with knee pain...i told her to take some paracetamols to ease the pains,she replied"they wont go down as far as my knee they are only for headaches"......PRICELESS IMY MUM IS...:P

A friend of mine took her mum and myself out in the car for the day, her mum being very elderly and almost unable to walk. She drove to a mill that her mum had known well and let her mum look at the scenery, while she took me to see the inside of the mill. When we got back a few minutes later, she described the inside of the mill to her mum, and how we had been able to climb a ladder to get up to the top floor. Her mum thought about it for a moment and then announced that she would have been able to do it too, if only she had worn her trousers!

My own gran is quite sure that the greenhouse effect is caused by everybody getting conservatories!

on saturday i visited rotherham market,whilst waiting for my son i stood at the top of a ramp that leads to the top level of the market,an elderly lady came slowly up the ramp in her electric wheelchair,when she drove to the top where i was standing she said " im shattered now lad " :D

My Nanan took some of her grandchildren to see "Hong Kong" last week!!

And at her christmas party handed out the Pretzels, asking if anyone wanted any "Strepsils"!

Bless!

my auntie asked my uncle..."do you want anything fetching from the shops whilst i'm there?
erm....yeah he said "fetch us some of them nuts that i like' you know them knobbly ones...i cant remember what there called but you get them on the top of walnut whips!!!




uncle's eh...can't beat em!....... shame!

My elderly neighbour told me that her husband, suffering
from a bad knee, was going to have some "courtesan" injections..... she hoped they would buck him up.....

Boyfriends mother on Christmass day - "These roasties are taking ages, I bet it's because everyone else is cooking their dinner too and draining the electricity"

A couple of gems from my ex-wifes grandmother:

her: "He's won Wimbledon again"
me: "who has"?
her: "That Brian Bean"

She meant Bjorn Borg.

And Cubicle=Crucible
Dewdrops=Dewhursts
Belieshan Beakers=beliesha beacons
cadiddleliac=cadilac

And she once tried explaining to me how you'd be better off trying to put a bet on after the race had started because then they wouldn't accept your bet and you wouldn't lose your money.....

another one just remembered....

my friends mum talking to her friend....


mum....i can't beleive the price of petrol going up again' its a disgrace!

friend....it doesn't really affect me cos i just put a tenner a week in!!!

:confused: :confused: :confused:

my mum once said...

why cant foreign people have names we can pronounce? :lol:

classics from my mum over the years.......

kontiki fried chicken...... (the colonel sailed a reed raft over the pacific?)

halibut nest ( elliott ness in the untouchables)

we're going to Mataland ......

roland keaton ( boyzone singer apparently)


love me mum to bits but she can be bonkers

:clap:

My mom once said.

"I'm not keen on meat, I would rather have a bacon sandwich any day"
:loopy: :hihi:

I Remeber someones mum once said to me if I didn't like meat it would be really easy for me to become a veggie :hihi:

This is such a great thread.

My friend has a grandmother who also comes out with some great lines.

My Friend was watching a black and white movie, gran ( who sits and watches the Tv weekly in my friends house) says I didn't know that you had a black and white TV!!

Gran was babysitting and my friend had bought a pork and apple Lattice pie, as she left she said to gran you can have that if you get hungry. when she got home gran said that she was hungry my friend asked why she hadn't eaten the pie to which Gran replied I didn't like the look of that lattice!!!

now this one really had me worried. lol

If i'd have been a man i could have been your father! :confused: :confused: :confused:

My mum has just told my hubby to go and watch the worlds strongest man on.... E More Four An Hour ?!? She meant E4 + 1.... It was on channel 5. :loopy:

When i was younger my mum had pretty bad reasons for not letting me do stuff.

Examples:

"No"

followed by

"because"

And The Finale

"that's why"

My Mum recently asked me if I had got much use out of my "one pod"... of course she meant iPod. Gawdluvher.

my boyfriends mum who lives in london said to me not so long ago...well she was discussing this program on the telly and telling me to watch it as it was good, she then turned to me and said seriously...."can u get ITV where u live?"

A friend's mother announced that her doctor had referred her to a smoking sensation group!

For younger Members of the Forum, I will explain that during the very early years of World War 2, the predecessor of what ultimately became the Home Guard, was called "The Local Defence Volunteers" (LDV's)

Mum, for years afterwards would refer to anyone who had been in the Home Guard, as having been in the Look, Duck and Vanish!

Mothers of 2 friends I know are famous for talking about gang bang yoghurts instead of munch bunch yoghurts, and the other for discussing the dangers of deep throat thrombosis:gag:

Originally posted by Herbert
Mothers of 2 friends I know are famous for talking about gang bang yoghurts instead of munch bunch yoghurts, and the other for discussing the dangers of deep throat thrombosis:gag:

I like that last one:D :D :D :D :D

My mother came out with a good one this afternoon.
She was telling us about the recently opened chinese takeaway nearby. It's called (something) 'Shu'

She refered to it as 'that new kung fu takeaway' :D

Bless :)

My mum, bless her, always comes out with the same thing when she's had one to many Sherries...

I hate you, you've ruined my life..

Gawd bless 'er...

'I think it was the c*nt of the litter' :

that's without a doubt the funniest thing I've read for a long time. I'm sat at my desk crying when I should be doing work which is particularly dull so I can't hide what I'm doing.

My nan who is 86 has just decided to get a disability badge for the car ..

My sister : "Nan, you'll need to have a passport photo done to send off with your forms, we'll get one from Clicks down Hillsborough"..

Nan: "Ohh it doesn't matter love, I can ask Sam (my cousin) to get me one, he works at Click, it will save us a trip out"..
:D

Bribe?? Blackmail!

You know I have 'informations' that could almost certainly have you arrested.
Bring it on, bitch.

Leah xx
Please don't - that bit of mother-daughter-interaction made me laugh more than any of the qutes :)

"I don't care if you do phone child line!" :rolleyes:

I'd just like to use my 'Things mums say thread' to mark the passing of my mum.
She died peacefully in kirkwood Hospice, Huddersfield on Wednesday the 8th of November.

She had been very well looked after in the hospice, and treated with dignity and respect.

The hospice staff said it had been a pleasure to look after her (she was that sort of women) and two of them were noticably upset.

I'll remember my mum as a warm and giving person, with a sunny personality, someone who loved the birds and flowers, who laughed a lot, someone who brought out the best in people.

Draggle
Happier days - Mum and Grandson (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v391/draggletail/Mum%20and%20Grandson/mum1.jpg)

I'd just like to use my 'Things mums say thread' to mark the passing of my mum.
She died peacefully in kirkwood Hospice, Huddersfield on Wednesday the 8th of November...

Commiserations draggletail, I'm glad she was so well looked after and hope you aren't struggling with the loss too much. :( I've only ever 'lost' one person remotely close to me, but it always helped to bring back the great memories I had with them - they will stay forever, the hurt eventually subsides away.

Steve

My sympathies, draggletail,

I'm sure the thoughts of your fellow forummers will be with you.

My sympathies too draggle.

My mum says: "why won't MSN work?", "how do I get pictures online?", "why is my printer not printing?"

I have become my darling mothers personal helpdesk.. :rolleyes:

LUV YA REALLY MUMMY :D

I so miss my mum, who passed away in 1984, aged 40...

one of the most embarassing things was that she misheard the song by Wings, released in 1977, "Mull of Kintyre". She always thought the lyrics were "B*ll*cking Tyres"

Other phrases she used, eg if we were "scroaming" on walls or up trees, was

"If you fall and break your legs don't come running to me!!"

and, if we did fall, she'd say "If you don't gie'ower rooering, ah'll gie thi summat ter rooer for!"

I so miss my mum, who passed away in 1984, aged 40...

one of the most embarassing things was that she misheard the song by Wings, released in 1977, "Mull of Kintyre". She always thought the lyrics were "B*ll*cking Tyres"


:hihi: and me PT...so did I.:)

Joan, just put the
[/
back in front of the
QUOTE]

:)

[QUOTE=Plain Talker]I so miss my mum, who passed away in 1984, aged 40...

one of the most embarassing things was that she misheard the song by Wings, released in 1977, "Mull of Kintyre". She always thought the lyrics were "B*ll*cking Tyres"

QUOTE]
:hihi: and me PT...so did I.:)

Sorry, made a right mess of that didn't I?

Joan, you make me laugh, you make the same mistakes I do, I wish at times they wouldn't put 'Date Joined' gives you no excuse to mess up.

It's a comforting thought that Draggletail can look back on this thread and remember his Mum with such affection. It's a personal testimony to a wonderful mother.

May our good forum friend Draggletail find solace in the knowledge that his Mum made us forummers smile over the things that she said.

I'm sure that Draggle is in our thoughts.

Red

My mum once said "it's not the size of the waves, it's the motion of the ocean" when referring to the swell on a cross channel ferry. She couldn't understand why we all fell about laughing. She genuinely thought it was a nautical term.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother Draggletail- my sympathy to you and your family- reading this thread she sounded a smasher. Mary

My step mum told me that her father went mad when told him she was pregnant with her 5th. She misquoted him thus:-

"Have you never heard of contraption?"

Sorry to hear of your loss too Draggletail.

My mother passed away 27 years ago and I still miss her. I can identify with lots of the phrases in this thread that would have been her sayings.

One of my main memories was the area behind the radiogram (as was then) "I don't know how they've got cheek to call them wirelesses" she would say as she untangled them to clean.

I look in my corner behind the pc and think what a field day she'd have with this and everytime a new plug in piece of equipment comes into the flat, I say out loud "another one mom".

memories are precious hey.:)

My girlfriend's mum came out with a pearler the other day!

My girlfriend found out that one of her old school friends was now a Lesbian. when my girlfriend told her mum her reaction was:

"Well she never did wear girly shoes"

Draggletail, your mum sounded like a lovely person, and the photo with the baby has so much warmth about it. When someone we love dies, we share our memories of them for the rest of our lives. To me thats far more important than any memorial.

Thank you for sharing your memories.

Mum: Will you have a look at the cd player for me please, its not working.

Me: Oh, yes, thats because its not plugged in.

Mum: It is, I plugged it into that socket there.

The socket she plugged it into was an extension cable, and the plug to the extension cable was plugged into itself!

She couldnt understand why it wasnt working!

Ah bless, she is 83 after all!!!

My grandma at our wedding wanted to try a "vagabond" - to the un-initiated, thats a vol-au-vont (not sure of the spelling, but u know what I mean!!)

I remember my mother clenching her fists in my face and yelling "Youre evil" pure evil"! at me when I was about eleven.

Mind you, she was right. I was beyond evil so in a way she was giving me a complement.

A few years ago my mum was picking me up from my grans and the car wouldnt start, so my gran came out and said "Get it and Ill push you"

lol, after that we called her supergran

Wow, Draggle, I'm so so sorry to hear about you losing your Mum.

Not much else to say really, but I'm thinking of you.

K x

Oh my god, I need oxygen this thread is so funny.

My Grandma is the star in my family, recently she has taken to calling sudoku puzzles "them suzuki puzzles".

When she heard about a man who'd left his girlfriend of about 10 years for another man she exclaimed "Oh!! So he was one of those lesbians all along!"

My mum thinks the Killers sound like.....Meatloaf ("well they're both American" I very nearly cried!:suspect:"

Wow, Draggle, I'm so so sorry to hear about you losing your Mum.

Not much else to say really, but I'm thinking of you.

K x

I've taken the 'announcement' off my sig now the funeral is over, so I'd just like to say thanks to Kristian and everyone else who posted their thoughts and sympathies, and to those who PMd me.

Your thoughts and words made a difference.

Thank you :)

(and keep the 'things mums say' posts coming) :D

I'm sobbing so much from reading this thread. It's brought back a lot of memories for myself too. So, thank you for sharing Draggletail. Although, I've not met your mom, but she sounded like one witty lady. :)

This thread makes me feel so guilty on how badly I treat my mom. I might just give her a ring in a minute.

To continue the thread...

My mom is always bad at pronounciations too. So she forms her own words.

Mak-sie = Marks and Spencers
BB sham = baby sham
Tabot = turbot fish
Sinsby = Sainsbury
Dorver = Dover sole
Mor-ly-son = Morrison


I spent some time with them in the past few months. This incident happened, which I thought was pretty funny. She tried to pull one over my Dad's eye. She burnt some food, by forgetting to add water to the steamer. It got a bit of a smoky taste to it, but there's no black bits in it. She tried to deny it, and said it's my dad's imagination. :) Then I tried it, and thought it was great, and that she managed to cook an excellent dish. Dad just said that it's almost possible to pull one over him when he's been a chef for years ! :hihi:

Ah, mothers. Mine had a hysterectomy a few years back, but I think they took out her tact gland at the same time. When I met Mrs J I rang mother in excitement to tell her I'd met The One. "She comes from the Philippines," I said when pressed for details. "She's a nurse." There was a pause while the mater digested this, then came her august reply. "Aren't they all, dear?," she declared sonorously.

Years and years ago, my mum bought me a double cassette (remember those???!!!) album for Christmas - the 2 cassettes were lying flat, side by side in the box... when she got to the checkout, she said to the cashier...
"she likes this band, but I don't think this cassette is going to fit in her player....."!!!!!

In this case I WAS that mum, but one that my son never lets me forget is from when we were in Singapore some years ago.
We had a car that my then husband was talking about bringing home when we returned to the UK.....sat fiddling with the radio knobs one day I said that we'd have to replace the radio when we went home.
Why? I was asked......"well this one only gets Chinese music on it" I said.....could't understand why everyone rolled about laughing...but I was deadly serious at the time.:hihi:

My mum came out with one on Monday. She rang me from her work and asked if dad was back yet. some one was coming round and my dad was was coming home early to speak to them. I said he wasn't back. She asked if he had gone for a run and I said no he not back from work yet. The then said'' oh but your at home right. The thing is she called me on the home phone so I was obviously at home otherwise I wouldn't be speaking to her. :hihi:

Dont lie to your mum!!!!

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than
met the
eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan,you don't suppose
she
took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure"
said Paul

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM

Jess: heard that before, still makes me laugh every time I read it!!!!!

Jess: heard that before, still makes me laugh every time I read it!!!!!

I know I have aswell but always makes me laugh too and thought it was appropriate with the thread.

Heh, i just found this thread and had to add to it. My mum is hopeless with directions and geography, and I remember trying to explain where somewhere was by saying it was north.

Mum - But where's that?
Me - ...what? North is north...
Mum - but...if I face this way *turns left* north is in front of me, and if I turn this way *turns left again* north is this way too...
Me - ...are you serious?
Mum - What do you mean?
Me - North doesn't move!
Mum - Yes it does!
Me - No mum, North is north, as in the North Pole! Is not just whatever way you're facing...that's just...forward
Mum - Are you sure?
Me - :rolleyes:

:hihi: its so funny trying to explain, I keep trying to get her to have a sat nav. She's used to a few places in sheffield but she insists on driving from town to Centertainment via Hillsborough :rolleyes:

I keep trying to get her to have a sat nav. She's used to a few places in sheffield but she insists on driving from town to Centertainment via Hillsborough :rolleyes:

Maybe not quite such a good idea....!!?!!*!??! I bought one last year and it tried to kill me by sending me over the edge into the Grand Canyon!!?*?!!!! :help: Who knows where she'd end up!!!!!! :lol:

When my sister and i was younger we had long hair (down past our bum) and my mum used always want us to have it cut but we didnt want to. Then she told us: "if you had your split ends cut off your hair will grow back really quick and it'll get even longer!" :huh:
- yeah right! we believed her and she made us have our hair cut to our shoulders (surely the split ends were'nt that long!) well, to this day our hair has never been that long again! :mad:

my mum is an alcoholic and recently bought two boys my age back to my house, I knew these boys as they have a reputation for being prats and have done various stupid things such as one of them burnt my mates arm with a lighter and aerosol, anyway yeah I asked her to make them leave, she wouldn't, my boyfriend made them leave and they got in a scuffle, now she says if my boyfriend comes near the house again she'll call the police:loopy:
gave me the worst christmas ever anyway!

My mum once came into work and said...

"oh my knee is giving me terrible pain today"
"well don't suffer then mum take some paracetamols to ease it"
"You don't take paracetamols for knee pain you fool they are only for the headache":huh:

Mum's they are priceless aren't they.

:D Just spent a lovely time reading all your posts!:hihi:


Here are some more funny sayings...

My Dad..to my OH when I was pregnant with my 4th child.
"What"s thar bin oop to then?"
:huh: Dad was the father of nine!:huh:

My friends old Mum on fresh air..
"It"s best to go for a walk before noon because there"s not much oxygen left later on!":suspect:

Little boy to his Gran,"You know when you were young when everything was black and white?":|

...........................

My mum phoned me to tell me the good news that my cousin (who had been trying for a baby for a few years) was finally pregnant.
"Brilliant!" I said
"Yes" she said, "She's had that HIV treatment, you know a test tube baby"
"You mean IVF" I replied
"Well it's summat to do with letters, I don't know - but she's pregnant anyway"

Still makes me smile that!

My boyfriends mum claims to have "Curtains 95" on her computer.

My mum (and this is true) walked into B&Q and asked if they sold Dildo rails, then tried to cover it up with "oh sorry, I meant Dado, I was thinking about something else".

my ex's mum went into wickes and asked for durex paint, i am sure she mean't dulux :hihi:

Dont lie to your mum!!!!

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's
flatmate, Simon, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this
only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than
met the
eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan,you don't suppose
she
took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure"
said Paul

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY
HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF
HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM

i was in stitches when i read this, never laughed so much in my life :hihi:

Just resurrecting this hilarious thread to say I remembered another one of my mother's "daft" sayings:-

She used to say to us:-

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice! It smells a funny colour!" :lol: :lol:

I wanted Triple Sec for a cocktail i wanted to make and asked my mum if she would ask if they sold it in Morrisons,mum asked for triple sex

my mum quotes teal'c from stargate, by saying 'indeed'

ave you been lieing? stick yer tongue out, its black yer ave...can anyone remember things their mum used to say when they were kids

Don't come running to me if you break your legs was another good one.

Don't come running to me if you break your legs was another good one.what a classic mate:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Thall ger a clip in a minit.

I heard of an school cook who upon finding a blunt knife, would remark that
she could ride to London and back on the knife bare arsed.

when i used to ask my mum when i came in from playing what was there to eat she'd say a run round table and a bite of chair leg :hihi:
or the the offending reply sh** with sugar on :loopy: :D :D :D

what about are you reading that paper you are sat on ?

if we asked what is for tea she used to say three runs around and a kick at cellar door:loopy: still dont think it makes sense:hihi: or go to shop for me and keep change what change or if we was being a pain in the bum she always said wait till you dad comes in.:hihi: :hihi:

If you dont behave ill rip your head off and s**t down your neck.

If you dont behave ill rip your head off and s**t down your neck.

your mom sounds really scarey:rant: :rant: :rant: :rant:

when i was a child we had an invasion of ants:

mum "where are those ants coming from?"
me "i don't know, shall i ask them?"

i then proceeded to ask the ants in a comedy french accent, if they were french ants and had come over for a visit, i got slapped, but i still laughed.

and she now lives in a block of flats, and often confuses the words lift and fridge, so she'll say, yes get that ham it's in the lift, or i came up in the fridge :loopy:

stood on parade in the army ,all of a sudden a great big fart let rip,"stop that wilson" shouted the seargeant,"yes sir which way did it go"replied wilson:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

when i was a child we had an invasion of ants:

mum "where are those ants coming from?"
me "i don't know, shall i ask them?"

i then proceeded to ask the ants in a comedy french accent, if they were french ants and had come over for a visit, i got slapped, but i still laughed.

and she now lives in a block of flats, and often confuses the words lift and fridge, so she'll say, yes get that ham it's in the lift, or i came up in the fridge :loopy:

:D :D :D :D bless her

"all my eye and Peggy Martin" (in other words hogwash)

Question: What are we having to eat?

Answer : Jump up the door and bite off the latch.

My mum used to say " He'll say owt bar his prayers " meaning someone who says he'll do something and then never does!

I would if I could if I couldn't
How couldn't I
I couldn't without a could
Could I
Could you

I don't care what OTHER mothers do!

Getting ready to go to City hall dancing.....LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON UNDER THAT CARDIGAN!

Getting ready to go to City hall dancing.....LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON UNDER THAT CARDIGAN!

now I'M curious (was it falsies?)

Don't point, don't stare, don't whisper, don't tread in that, don't walk near the kerb, don't talk to strangers, don't sit like that - you're showing your knickers!!!!

Don't talk to strange men.(what about women then?)
Don't pull faces or else you'll stay like it.
Don't swing on the door.(Bad luck)
Don't cross knives.(Bad luck)
During a thunderstorm..Shift all the cutlery.(So lightning doesn't strike it.)
And leave the back door wide open so that a thunderbolt can find it's way in and out! :confused:
If a relative or neighbour died we had to close all the curtains so wicked spirits couldn't get in,and cover all the mirrors.

If you can't be good be careful

don't talk with your mouth full
keep your knife and fork pointing downwards
wash your hands before meals
It's just a phase
If you pick it it'll leave a scar
don't scratch it
don't pick it

when i say whats that mean to my mum she says "i dont know i only know as much as you"

wash behind your ears
always wear clean underwear in case of an accident
lift your feet up when you walk
there will be tears before bedtime

Don't talk to strange men.(what about women then?)
Don't pull faces or else you'll stay like it.
Don't swing on the door.(Bad luck)
Don't cross knives.(Bad luck)
During a thunderstorm..Shift all the cutlery.(So lightning doesn't strike it.)
And leave the back door wide open so that a thunderbolt can find it's way in and out! :confused:
If a relative or neighbour died we had to close all the curtains so wicked spirits couldn't get in,and cover all the mirrors.

Actually a lot of older people used to do that, and I have a well-authenticated account of ball lightning which went through a house.

From Wikipedia: Ball lightning is an atmospheric phenomenon, the physical nature of which is still controversial. The term refers to reports of a glowing, floating object often the size and shape of a basketball, but sometimes golf ball sized or smaller. It is sometimes associated with thunderstorms, but unlike lightning flashes arcing between two points, which last a small fraction of a second, ball lightning reportedly lasts many seconds.

Mum was right,then Waltheof!

In a thunder strom...

"Unplug everything or fire will come out of the sockets!"

Whats that all about?

Because it's good for you

Because I say so

I'm only doing this for your own good

You'll than k me later

This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you

my mum still say "Never cut your nails on a sunday, god doesn't like it"???

When I was pregnant with my dd and had been for my 20 weeks scan (I was only 17 at the time) I asked what I was having but they couldn't tell because she kept crossing her legs, I told my dad this and he said a pitty it's mother never thought about that! cheeky old git :)

my mum still say "Never cut your nails on a sunday, god doesn't like it"???

When I was pregnant with my dd and had been for my 20 weeks scan (I was only 17 at the time) I asked what I was having but they couldn't tell because she kept crossing her legs, I told my dad this and he said a pitty it's mother never thought about that! cheeky old git :)

lol !!! Brilliant!

my mum still say "Never cut your nails on a sunday, god doesn't like it"???


It's true: "A man had better ne'er be born than have his nails on Sunday shorn".

Might be OK for women though :roll:

My G/F's mom was visiting a friend and thier new born baby "Jasmine" in hospital all the time she was there she was oohing and aahing at "baby Jermaline"

Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't make it right

If everyone jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't make it right

If everyone jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Ha ha--if one synchonised swimmer drowns do the others have to follow suit? :hihi:

only if it's in the routine

When frustrated:

"Glad my mother never had no kids!"

Huh?

don't eat in the street
don't smoke in public
swear or make a fool of themselves with drink
dye their hair
wear jewellery that makes a noise
wear shoes that need heeling

It's true: "A man had better ne'er be born than have his nails on Sunday shorn".

Might be OK for women though :roll:

A man had better ne'er been born
Than have his nails on a Sunday shorn.
Cut them on Monday, cut them for health;
Cut them on Tuesday, cut them for wealth;
Cut them on Wednesday, cut them for news;
Cut them on Thursday, for a pair of new shoes;
Cut them on Friday, cut them for sorrow;
Cut them on Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow.'

My mom used to brush my long hair when i was young and if i complained that she was pulling she used to say "Pride must abide if you want to be beautiful".
My sister in law has never been able to live down calling an ossilating fan an ejeculating fan lol, and then another time she said look at that clitoris when she meant to say chrysolis (sp).
My dad used to call pasturised milk, mesmerised milk,
Sliced bread= plastic bread, and sliced wrapped cheese= plastic cheese.
Mum and dad both used to call the casualty department the casuality department lol.
and my hubby calls a chimney a chimley and he wont have it that its not right lol.