When you listen to one side of a story and reach a conclusion, how can you be honest either to yourself or the others involved?

I know for a fact that a broken marriage has been discussed in this forum before. Probably lots of times. And you hear the side coming from the person you all know and you believe it wholemeal. But do you not have a problem with your conscience when you think you may be wrong.

I know there is one particular person who painted her husband blacker than black. He was cold, demanding, heartless, thoughtless, dominating - kept her chained to the cooker, and expected her to be more of a slave than a wife, and that is why she left him.

Only then you may learn none of those things were accurate and she left him for the arms of another womans man. The man of her best friend.

So what do you do with yourselves. Sit back and think - well how were we to know? Throw your hands in the air in disbelief and stick to that original judgement regardless?

I would just like to know so I have an idea of how people think and where they draw the line between loyalty for a friend and what they know to be right. Remember - this could happen to you just as easily.

Dragon
Servant of the Land

Phew Dragon you have put so much into that posting that it's hard to know where to start in replying, however here goes with my thoughts.

Firstly you can only form an opinion about people on the knowledge that you have about them and their circumstances at that time, if at a later date you get to know that the information you were given was false then surely you are able to modify your thoughts about them.

You can still be loyal to a friend even if you have a different view of them after finding that they were less than truthful about how they came to split from their partner. There may well be a good reason for them being economical with the truth.

I would though make sure that at some point they knew that I was aware of the other side of the story behind the break up, just so they can either come clean over it, or at least justify their lies to you.

Remember friendship is about being there for a friend no matter whether they are right or wrong, and they would most likely respect you even more if you voiced your concerns to them face to face.

Think you know more about the person the post is about and are treading very carefully.

Point is - this mans reputation has been obliterated, trampled so far in the mud its almost through to australia, and there is no way back, and for what - so his wife could have an affair with the boyfriend of her best friend who is still dating the best friend in complete oblivion.

Of course she is going to deny it. That much is so obvious. And by denying it - the other side of the story is lost completely. Well - he must be lying.

He does not want revenge or even feel bitterness due to the act. These things happen. What does bother him is the malicious lies that people have accepted concerning him without question. It is not a question of friendship or loyalty, but a question of what is right.

If this was someone posting about murder then I suspect friendship would be thought of in a different light, or was Maxine Carr right in being a false alibi for her boyfriend?

Dragon

Dragon, I neither know nor have any incling of who these two people are.

What I do know however is that if these two were friends of mine I would still be able to be a friend to both of them yet still feel that as a friend I could tell him I was there for him and did believe his side of the story (provided I was satisfied that it were true) whilst telling her the amount of damage she is doing to her own credibility by being untruthful (again if I knew that to be the case)

The thing that is blatantly obvious in all this is that you are in an awful situation, which only you can decide upon the course of action that will help BOTH sides to move on, you should however be very careful at all times to be seen to be impartial so as not to lose the friendship of either of them.

I have an idea that in this situation you should be there to pick up the pieces for both friends. Just be a listener, don't judge, try to be impartial. Wait until they come to you and be there for them
You don't know whether his behaviour pushed her into the arms of the friend, or his uncertaincy about her made him more dictatorial. Very difficult to judge.
You can't change the world but you can help your friends

Hazel

I've no idea what this is about.
But if you read something on here and have no reason to doubt it then whatever conclusions you form at the time (or responses you give) are perfectly valid.
If you later learn that there is more to the story, then altering your opinions and or responses is a valid response. If learning that the original person was lying alters your friendship with them, then so be it. Personally i'd always be a little suspicious of a friend who had lied in a big way to me before.

It's also a lesson that there is rarely just one side to a story. Just bear that in mind when reading anything on here.

It is very rare that you can remain friends with both parties when a couple split.

I have remained friends with a couple like this but we have an understanding I will not discuss either partners life with the other.

Although they sometimes mention there ex in conversation I make sure I am not drawn into it so I remain neutral.

Obviously I do have an opinion on which one is more to blame in the break-up but their relationship is nothing to do with me so to maintain the friendships it is better to say to each party involved that you will not be drawn into a discussion over it.

They will both respect you for not judging either.

Originally posted by Dragon
When you listen to one side of a story and reach a conclusion, how can you be honest either to yourself or the others involved?

I know for a fact that a broken marriage has been discussed in this forum before. Probably lots of times. And you hear the side coming from the person you all know and you believe it wholemeal. But do you not have a problem with your conscience when you think you may be wrong.

I know there is one particular person who painted her husband blacker than black. He was cold, demanding, heartless, thoughtless, dominating - kept her chained to the cooker, and expected her to be more of a slave than a wife, and that is why she left him.

Only then you may learn none of those things were accurate and she left him for the arms of another womans man. The man of her best friend.

So what do you do with yourselves. Sit back and think - well how were we to know? Throw your hands in the air in disbelief and stick to that original judgement regardless?

I would just like to know so I have an idea of how people think and where they draw the line between loyalty for a friend and what they know to be right. Remember - this could happen to you just as easily.

Dragon
Servant of the Land



Perhaps she was telling the truth...perhaps she left for another man who appreciated her...If her husband had treated her well she may have not found another mans attension's .
........not on to go off with her best mates man though....

It's an interesting question. I've never really believed in the 'truth', as I find that it is usually merely the point between two opinions that I feel most comfortable with.

Originally posted by dawny1
It is very rare that you can remain friends with both parties when a couple split.

Although they sometimes mention there ex in conversation I make sure I am not drawn into it so I remain neutral.



Dawny - Very well said. People read and learn!

I think what you've said is spot-on. I've friends who took 'sides ' when I broke up with an ex a while ago now. Emotions run high, people say things they regret (now anyway) and judgements are made.

I wish they'd be like you - and yeah I probably should have 'risen above' it too! You dont truely know what really happens in other people relationships and that's why its difficult and wrong to always make judgements about them.

There are always two sides to the story and those stories are always coloured for that particular person. Why ?
Because we see things differently than others, the truth is always buried in there with feelings that hurt for a long time.

Its good if you can keep friends with both, but having experienced divorce that very rarely happens.

You have to go with what you believe, perhaps that will mean both are telling some truth and so be friends with both but just be carefull you don`t get pulled in to the ongoing arguments.

People make snap judements - its human nature.

However i feel that most people think about the opposite side of the coin before posting -i know i do.

It is true that sometimes we get it wrong, everyone does. The only thing is to consider both sides of the argument. Take your story about the husband and wife, she says he kept her chained to the cooker all day but he probably says she never did any cooking and he did it all? Who are we to believe?!

At the end of the day we cannot know unless we are actually there to witness the events for ourselves.

I personally feel that i have some good friends on this board - most of whom i have never met! This friendship comes out of being able to gage a persons emotion by how they write. This is how i consider what to write in a response. Granted sometimes i get it wrong - but if i do i just have to reconsider what i have said and sometimes even backtrack!

Sometimes in a relationship one partner takes the other for granted...this lady is probably exaggerating her husbands demands.... but that does not make her feelings any less bitter or real....
she might have met someone eles who appreciates her and realised how wasted her years have been ...we only have one life after all ...I can relate to these feelings myself
However to take sides is a matter of who you prefer to be fiends with I guess

Re your suggestion that this man's reputation has been trampled in the dirt, I dont think he has anything to worry about.

We are all pretty much anonymous on here and wouldn't know him other than by a handle/alias which will mean nothing and would not lead to anyone identifying him as Fred Bloggs of Sheffield. So even if his wife was tearing strips off him in every post he would not be more than the anonymous husband of an anonymous woman.

Nobody knows who you are talking about, who this couple are, in real terms, unless they already know them outside of the forum, and know what their handles are, in which case they probably already formed an opinion based on what they could see with their own eyes.

The point about Forums like this is that people are able to let off steam and have a good old moan anonymously. It is not a court of law where balance is everything.

Originally posted by Avalon
It is true that sometimes we get it wrong, everyone does. The only thing is to consider both sides of the argument. Take your story about the husband and wife, she says he kept her chained to the cooker all day but he probably says she never did any cooking and he did it all? Who are we to believe?!

At the end of the day we cannot know unless we are actually there to witness the events for ourselves.


No-one on the outside of a relationship looking in on it can ever know the full story. Only the two people directly involved can really know, and even their understanding of the relationship will be clouded by emotion, and therefore be biased, however unintentionally.

Anyone looking at a relationship from the outside needs to remember "There are always two sides to a story" - and I think most reasonable people know this. They may take sides according to family loyalty or friendship, but still realise they are only getting one side.

Objectiveness goes out of the window where emotions are concerned, and relationships are after all one of the most emotive of subjects. It's a rare person who can have a totally balanced view of their relationships (if anyone can!), especially in the days/weeks following the end of a relationship.

I really do think most people realise this, and make their 'judgements' accordingly. As a friend, you can offer support to one of the people involved, while not thinking badly of the other.

StarSparkle