Hi guys

I have had a really weird strange and generally upsetting weekend. The events of Friday and Saturday have thrown me a little bit and i am looking for someone who has been in a similar situation? Or even a shrink!

Basically some years ago i fell in love with an individual (who shall not be named). At the time i was a pig-headed youth who thought that the whole world fancied me and it was just a case of persuading them that this was the case. I evventaully split with this guy and he ignored me for 3 and a bit years. Anyway to cut a long story short, i found out on Friday that he is actually gay! This has really mucked my head up ,so i went to see him, which ****** him off! Anyhoos we chatted and i have managed to shut the door on how i felt about him....but i still think about him, and still think of what might have been...but i still cannot get my head around the fact that he is gay!!

Any advice? :confused:

Well there was this guy that was keen on me at school, then I heard he was gay nowadays, didn't really bother me, but it was a shock at first.

Doesn't mean you pushed him to it. Better out than in. What about those that get married or with children and found out later, that'd be much worse.

He would have been gay before but not 'out'. If he's happier and true to himself leave it at that. Stop reading into it. Write it on an envelope maybe, how you feel, and put it on the bookshelf, you'll soon forget about it, if you leave it alone. maybe.

Ummm.....help me get a grip here. :)

Are you :

Male / female?

Straight / gay?

Cheers,

Joe

Originally posted by island3rlara
Well there was this guy that was keen on me at school, then I heard he was gay nowadays, didn't really bother me, but it was a shock at first.

Doesn't mean you pushed him to it. Better out than in. What about those that get married or with children and found out later, that'd be much worse.

He would have been gay before but not 'out'. If he's happier and true to himself leave it at that. Stop reading into it. Write it on an envelope maybe, how you feel, and put it on the bookshelf, you'll soon forget about it, if you leave it alone. maybe.

Thanks for that. I have written a pretty length document on how i feel....i do feel happier now that i know that he is ahppy how he is, and that he does not balme me for anything other than turning up at his house, and not listening to him when he was trying his best to tell me he wanst ready for this..*long sigh*...i was so stupid...but at leat i can now move on from the feelings of guilt i have carried for all this time...but i still cannot accept the fact he is gay! - Perhpas there is a jelousy factor in this - Why can everyone else have him but i cant??

Originally posted by JoePritchard
Ummm.....help me get a grip here. :)

Are you :

Male / female?

Straight / gay?

Cheers,

Joe

Male. Gay.

find someone else, get over him... thats all I can say for advice, don't bother thinking about the past or what might have been, because it will only ever make you feel down...

he's gay now, but he's obviously not interested in you or he would have let you know :P so dont waste your time, move on!

I've been in a worse situation, my first girlfriend decided she was a lesbian after we'd been dating a month... thats probably the worst kick in the teeth you can get at 16 when you've had no luck what so ever with women up until that point, it gets you thinking all sorts of things like "did I turn her?", "was I really THAT bad at kissing?", "whats wrong with me?"...

but seriously, just move on, theres plenty of gay guys out there, same as I know theres plenty of women out there for me... its just a matter of finding them!

You have nothing to feel screwed up about.

How people define their own sexuality is their decision; you may open people's eyes to a facet of their nature that they didn't know existed, but that's as far as it goes.

People have free will to determine what they do in their life; if they choose to be gay or straight, bi or celibate - it's their choice at the end of it all.

Be happy for him, and just acknowledge to yourself that just as there are many things in life you can have there are always going to be a few that you can't. Then move on in the knowledge that you've done nothing to beat yourself up for and he's happy.

Hope you feel better soon.

Joe :)

Thanks guys...you are all helping!

I wish it were so easy to just move on! But still i am confident that now i have got closure through our little chat, and he echoed what Joe said:

Originally posted by JoePritchard
How people define their own sexuality is their decision; you may open people's eyes to a facet of their nature that they didn't know existed, but that's as far as it goes.

People have free will to determine what they do in their life; if they choose to be gay or straight, bi or celibate - it's their choice at the end of it all.

This is basically what he said..but not in so many words...he took a great weight off my shoulders when he said "I made my own choice - you may have opened my eyes but i am happy. At the end of the day no harm done".

I still feel crappy about it..as i sit here (at work) im trying not to cry! I guess that this feeling will eventaully pass??

Feeling weepy is just a sign of emotional stress. If you feel weepy, you care enough to be upset, which is a good thing. It shows that we're feeling human beings.

It'll pass.

Joe

Originally posted by JoePritchard
Feeling weepy is just a sign of emotional stress. If you feel weepy, you care enough to be upset, which is a good thing. It shows that we're feeling human beings.

It'll pass.

Joe

Yeah...i can see that! :) Thats at least made me smile!

think of it this way... provided your keeping in touch with him, you've got a new gay friend who you can go out and meet people with :D and if he has gay friends then maybe he can introduce you, and you can get a new guy ;) gotta flip the coin and see things from both sides! it could be a new opportunity to meet new people!

Originally posted by xafier
think of it this way... provided your keeping in touch with him, you've got a new gay friend who you can go out and meet people with :D and if he has gay friends then maybe he can introduce you, and you can get a new guy ;) gotta flip the coin and see things from both sides! it could be a new opportunity to meet new people!

Unlikely. He has made it quite clear he doesnt want anything to do with me...which is painful too!! Damn these boys! They are more hassle than they are worth!!

Originally posted by Avalon
Unlikely. He has made it quite clear he doesnt want anything to do with me...which is painful too!! Damn these boys! They are more hassle than they are worth!!

well that sucks, but maybe he just had bad memories of you in your younger years being a bit pushy with him? memories stick, and even if you regret doing it, maybe he can't forget...

and dont worry about it man, I think exactly the same about women! I swear sometimes I'd be better off becoming a monk and not chasing after women that keep letting me down... but hey, everyone deserves a bit of love... plus, I like my hair! I dont wanna shave a big bald spot! lol

Originally posted by xafier
well that sucks, but maybe he just had bad memories of you in your younger years being a bit pushy with him? memories stick, and even if you regret doing it, maybe he can't forget...

and dont worry about it man, I think exactly the same about women! I swear sometimes I'd be better off becoming a monk and not chasing after women that keep letting me down... but hey, everyone deserves a bit of love... plus, I like my hair! I dont wanna shave a big bald spot! lol

Yeah it does suck. I suppose without realising it we have both hurt each other a great deal, and that takes some getting over, and forgiving. I hope and pray that one day perhaps we can chat again and get Everything out in the open - and who knows even become friends once again? I know that on a scale of 1-10 the likelyhood of this is somehere around -7, and i am not holding out much hope! Its probably not a good idea anyway, so on second thoughts ill drop that idea!

Maybee he will read this and understand my feelings? Again probably another -7 but hey! I can hope! My only wish is to make him understand that i DO regret what i did, i am sorry for that, and i must understand what he has been through but at the same time he must understand what i have been through- If we can do this then i think we would both be much happer - even if we do not become friends.

But for now i am best of leaving him alone. I gave my word that i would, and i will NOT go back on that. Not even under an alternate identity as i have in the past. It just would not be right, or fair.

At the end of the day it is over - the ball is back in his court - if he wants to hit it back then thats up to him, but im not gonna be standing around waiting for the return volley....he has my contact details so he knows how to get hold of me.

Perhaps he will read this? - if he does i will never know and thats fine with me.

I have just stumbled accross this website http://www.jesussite.com/illustrations/living2.htm this "Interview with God" is so true to my situation, and it sums it up nicely when it says "it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them."
:cry:

I know you've said that you gave your word that you would leave him alone, but underneath it all, its sounds as tho' you're still pining for him, your posts make it sound as tho' you're desperate to explain and ask his forgiveness; is this in the hope that he will understand and now that he's comfortable with his own sexuality, want to start things up with you? It really sounds as tho' he's made his decision and you have to accept that and move on with your own life. It sounds as tho' you're hoping he'll read your posts on what you're feeling, and contact you himself, but in all honesty, it doesn't sound like that's going to happen for you. He chose his route in life, and unfortunately for you, you're not a part of that. He knows how to get in contact with you if he wants to, but like you've said you think that's highly unlikely. For your own piece of mind you need to let go, all the "what if's" are destroying your peace of mind. It's heartbreaking when no matter how many regrets or apologies you have, things don't work out, and you need to think about taking care of yourself, you've done all that you can, and at the end of the day, no matter how much we tell you and advise you on this, you have to realise it for yourself and only you can live your life.

Originally posted by Cutglass
I know you've said that you gave your word that you would leave him alone, but underneath it all, its sounds as tho' you're still pining for him, your posts make it sound as tho' you're desperate to explain and ask his forgiveness; is this in the hope that he will understand and now that he's comfortable with his own sexuality, want to start things up with you? It really sounds as tho' he's made his decision and you have to accept that and move on with your own life. It sounds as tho' you're hoping he'll read your posts on what you're feeling, and contact you himself, but in all honesty, it doesn't sound like that's going to happen for you. He chose his route in life, and unfortunately for you, you're not a part of that. He knows how to get in contact with you if he wants to, but like you've said you think that's highly unlikely. For your own piece of mind you need to let go, all the "what if's" are destroying your peace of mind. It's heartbreaking when no matter how many regrets or apologies you have, things don't work out, and you need to think about taking care of yourself, you've done all that you can, and at the end of the day, no matter how much we tell you and advise you on this, you have to realise it for yourself and only you can live your life.

I have zero comeback on that. Except to say.....your right....but i do not want anything more than his forgivness. Yes in an ideal world i would love to try and give a realtionship a go, but i know in my heart that it just wouldnt work.

EDIT: I have given my word that i will not contact him and i DO intend to keep that word. But yes i would like to hear him say he forgives me...but i am not going to go chasing that forgivness as it would just make matters worse, and he would probably think i was stalking him!

it does sound as tho' the only way you're going to accept any closure on this is for him to accept your apologies; as a last resort, try mailing him a letter with all your reasons, your feelings etc, and explain that if he'd could only accept your apologies then it would help give you closure by allowing you to move on. It may also help you as a sort of cathartic healing process to write all this stuff down, but if he still doesn't want to show any forgiveness, then it's obviously too painful for him and you'd have to respect that and then leave well alone.
I know it's not easy for you but you will get over this in time, it's just doesn't feel like that at the moment I know.

Originally posted by Cutglass
it does sound as tho' the only way you're going to accept any closure on this is for him to accept your apologies; as a last resort, try mailing him a letter with all your reasons, your feelings etc, and explain that if he'd could only accept your apologies then it would help give you closure by allowing you to move on. It may also help you as a sort of cathartic healing process to write all this stuff down, but if he still doesn't want to show any forgiveness, then it's obviously too painful for him and you'd have to respect that and then leave well alone.
I know it's not easy for you but you will get over this in time, it's just doesn't feel like that at the moment I know.

I have written my feelings down, but i know for a fact that he will not be interested in a letter. I cant say if its too painful for him or not...but either way he has made it clear he doesnt want anything to do with me, which kinda rules out the possibilty of him discussing this with me again. He almost jumped out of the car on Saturday when i told him that i fell in love with him.

He really doesnt care about my personal wellbeing (or at least i get that impression), so it is very unlikely that if he did read a letter from me, he would recipricate by telling me he forgave me.....unless there was something in it for him. But i couldnt blackmail him with "forgive me or ill continue to pester you"...thats not the sort of person i am.

I hope you are right when you say i will get over it in time.

If he won't accept yr apologies, without there being something in it for him, and he doesn't appear to care for your wellbeing, then walk away, you've done all you can, and to be honest, from the little info you've given about him, he doesn't deserve to have someone as caring as you fretting about him.
You will get over this, I speak from experience but for now, you're still too raw and hurt by this to think positively. It's hard to let go, but little by little, day by day it will happen and then one day you'll realise that it's been a few days since so and so crossed your mind. It's very much a grieving process and it takes time, but for what it's worth, you sound a very sincere and giving person and in my opinion you deserve someone who can and will give you the happiness you need without you feeling bad about yourself.

Originally posted by Cutglass
If he won't accept yr apologies, without there being something in it for him, and he doesn't appear to care for your wellbeing, then walk away, you've done all you can, and to be honest, from the little info you've given about him, he doesn't deserve to have someone as caring as you fretting about him.
You will get over this, I speak from experience but for now, you're still too raw and hurt by this to think positively. It's hard to let go, but little by little, day by day it will happen and then one day you'll realise that it's been a few days since so and so crossed your mind. It's very much a grieving process and it takes time, but for what it's worth, you sound a very sincere and giving person and in my opinion you deserve someone who can and will give you the happiness you need without you feeling bad about yourself.

Thank you for your kind words Cutglass...i am sure you are right and i will get over it...it does seem nigh on impossible right now...but im sure it will pass. This weekend has changed my outlook on life. And for that i feel better. And i can at least stop fretting and feeling guilty as i know he is happy...but i will still miss him, and i will still feel hurt.....but as you say this will pass...

It will pass Avalon, time heals all wounds! Be thankful for the closure you have got, and look forward to a new beginning in your life!

K x

Hi

I am female and years ago went out with a guy who meant the world to me - we drifted apart when he went to work abroad and I stayed in my local town studying.

When he came back after 7 months the relationship rekindled and then out of the blue he announced whilst he was abroad he'd had a male on male relationship....!

Both of us were 18 and he wasn't so sure if he was gay or bi as admitted he felt an attraction to me as well as the blokes but not other women...I should've felt flattered but I felt rejected...the relationship ended and he has continued gay relationships into his adulthood etc

I am now married with 3 kids and look on the past no longer as rejection but if I was the only woman he'd ever had a relationship with it doesn't mean I didn't fulfil him or anything just he was experimenting!!

Move on....it's tough at first but better for both in the long run!

PM me if you want

Originally posted by shieshuk
Hi

I am female and years ago went out with a guy who meant the world to me - we drifted apart when he went to work abroad and I stayed in my local town studying.

When he came back after 7 months the relationship rekindled and then out of the blue he announced whilst he was abroad he'd had a male on male relationship....!

Both of us were 18 and he wasn't so sure if he was gay or bi as admitted he felt an attraction to me as well as the blokes but not other women...I should've felt flattered but I felt rejected...the relationship ended and he has continued gay relationships into his adulthood etc

I am now married with 3 kids and look on the past no longer as rejection but if I was the only woman he'd ever had a relationship with it doesn't mean I didn't fulfil him or anything just he was experimenting!!

Move on....it's tough at first but better for both in the long run!

PM me if you want

Thanks for that.

Originally posted by Avalon
Hi guys

I have had a really weird strange and generally upsetting weekend. The events of Friday and Saturday have thrown me a little bit and i am looking for someone who has been in a similar situation? Or even a shrink!

Basically some years ago i fell in love with an individual (who shall not be named). At the time i was a pig-headed youth who thought that the whole world fancied me and it was just a case of persuading them that this was the case. I evventaully split with this guy and he ignored me for 3 and a bit years. Anyway to cut a long story short, i found out on Friday that he is actually gay! This has really mucked my head up ,so i went to see him, which ****** him off! Anyhoos we chatted and i have managed to shut the door on how i felt about him....but i still think about him, and still think of what might have been...but i still cannot get my head around the fact that he is gay!!

Any advice? :confused:

I'm a little bit confused...you split with him 3 years ago and only found out recently he's gay...didn't you work that out when you were together...?

Houston, we got a problem..

Originally posted by BobDaBuilder
I'm a little bit confused...you split with him 3 years ago and only found out recently he's gay...didn't you work that out when you were together...?

Houston, we got a problem..

Hmmm...good point. But when we were together he insisted he was just curious, then when he ended it he said he was deffinatley straight! Obviously he's a liar too?