Hi all, i need help. I absolutly adore my new Girlfriend Emma, 20 of 3 months now.
I'm 26.
8 out of 10 times i stay which is quite often her phones receives a msg between 0600 - 0830. From asking its her X matt of 2yrs.

He txt's regularly. She never talks about him but has sad he's now engaged and were close till he beat her one night drunk.
Reason being why they split.

I think he still wants her back. Everytime i hear the phone go in the morning i want to strangle it. I no its him.

I don't like to ask about it but its driving me mad. Why would he keep in touch so much. Not even my closest friends txt me nearly every morning like he does.

She says nothing is going on. I spend a lot of time with her but its driving oput of my mind.

She so closed about her guy mates yet sometimes she'll ask about my girl mates if they call or ring. RARELY.

How can i find out in more detail whats going on, but obviously subtle about it.

Any advice appreciated, e-mail on j.cahill@nmsi.ac.uk

Jonny,

Chill out! Why woiuld she tell you the truth about the fact he is texting her, if she was doing something deceitful? She wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to be. Don't make your worst thoughts of not having her anymore come true by pushing it!

Good luck,

K x

Gotta agree with Kristian.

She needs to resolve this in her own time - if you can't handle it then it's something you need to look at from your perspective, rather than forcing the issue with her.

If she has a number of male friends who ring her, then again it's hard but that's her business. She's sleeping with you, not them.

Similarly, she needs to be able to trust you with your female friends.

Chill out and wait and see how things develop. 20 is still quite young.

Joe

Originally posted by JoePritchard
Gotta agree with Kristian.

You make it sound like it's a bad thing Joe!

K x

Hiya Kristian,

When I start agreeing with people they start thinking that their descent to the Dark Side is starting.... :)

Before long they'll be rampaging caring, sharing libertarian socialists like me.... :)

Joe

It sounds to me that this X-boyfriend was the "controlling type" and is frustrated because he now lacks control of her. She may believe that the reason she left him was because he beat her up, but that could have been the signal for her to leave.
He now texts regularly because he is trying to gain control of her back. Make sure that you don't become a "controlling type" too because that is probably not what she needs, and will make you an unpleasent person in the long term.

consider this old saying:-

If you love something, set it free, If it comes back to you it is yours to keep.

Noone is your property however, but this kind of thing happens all the time with X partners In my experience, and the best way to deal with it is ignore it. If you make a massive thing about it it will just cause you more and more anguish.

take care of yourself.

1.Find ex-boyfriend
2.Trow acid in his face.
3.You win!!

4) You go to jail
5) You Lose
6) Spend the rest of your life descending into mental illness

I've been in a similar situation to this myself, my ex and I stayed together when she want away to South Africa for a year... when I went over to visit her for 2 weeks there was this guy sending her txt's every morning and night and calling her all the time...

now she was over there looking after adults with mental and/or physical disabilities... this guy was like 30ish and had mild social mental problems or something... but it still bugged the crap out of me, especially when one night we're having a bit of... y'know ;) and the guy txt's, then calls, and calls, and calls... and doesn't stop calling... y'know how annoying it is having sex when a phone is ringing constantly and you know its some random guy? lol

anyways, I made a big mistake of really letting it get to me, I believe I did have a right to get a bit angry and upset about it, but I made the mistake of not talking to her about it and instead got really wound up and grumpy with her, and one of the days when he rang I stormed off back to the place we was staying in because I just couldn't be in the mood for listening to her talk to this other guy...

anyways, we eventually talked it over and she could understand where I was coming from and eventually switched her phone off for a few days... then we went to Swaziland and she didnt have any connection... then when we back back into Africa within 5mins of crossing the border she gets about 20 text's and then a phone call... lol

anyways, she deny's all knowledge of ever doing anything with this guy, and I believe her, because I trust her, and she was my friend before we dated, and is my friend now

anyways, i think the best thing to do is just explain to her that it's getting to you, make sure you emphasise that you know there is nothing going off between them but the fact of all the calls and text's is getting to you, and point out how she'd feel if your ex was calling and texting you every day... then maybe she'll realise how it can be getting to you...

Theres no love without trust..

Originally posted by Deejay
Theres no love without trust..

Very, very wise words there :thumbsup: And as Kristian has already said, if she was being deceitful in some way, why would she even tell you that this man is texting her?

You all can flame my ass to hell after I say this ok, but its gotta be said- and to the gents on the forum- please god hopefully you might back me up on this ?

This is to all lasses on the forum.
-----------------------------------------

If you have an ex.. why the **** do you still carry a torch for them after they have possibly treated you like ****e, especially in this case the guys problem above?

If they have knocked you about in the past- why still keep in touch with them or contact them??

Why do you still let them text you/ring you/contact you at every possible opportunity??

If they were still bad and dumped you/you dumped them- why not get them outta your life for good instead of ruining your new relationships with altogether better blokes?

I think it is a common problem amongst lasses and one that I've had to go thru unfortunately from our lasses first boyfriend.

As the guy at the top of the topic says, its ok for her ex to text and contact her BUT its not ok for him to do the same to his own female friends?? I find it very infuriating.

The way to sort this problem I've found (for all the blokes reading this) is this..

If you think your lass is playing away- play detective.
I know its wrong but at least you will know whats going on.
If your lass goes out regularly with 'old friends' then keep an eye on that- also any strange behaviour or mood swings are signs thats summat's up as well and need investigating further.

Finally- if her exes are constantly contacting her.. get your female friends to ring you and text you constantly reminding your lass that if she even strays once - she can easily be replaced by someone new!

I know its evil but no-one is un-replaceable and thats what you gotta keep in mind.


You may now all flame me to death
I thankyou.

Originally posted by TracieJC
Very, very wise words there :thumbsup: And as Kristian has already said, if she was being deceitful in some way, why would she even tell you that this man is texting her?

Basically its two things.

1* To make it obvious that her ex is texting her and to make her
current BF jealous- is one possability perhaps?

2* She has to tell her current BF because it has become very
noticeable to him already, he does not sound stupid to me.

Personally I'd want to ask her if if the texts from her ex are welcome. It IS possible to feel intimidated by someone even when they are not physically anywhere near you. Even if she replies to the texts she may feel some how she has to placate him.

Don't ever underestimate the affect that violence has - even one beating can turn your world upside down. Violence is about control - he may not want her as such but it's entirely possible he has no intention of letting her go.

I'd start by trying to talk to her about that beating but treat it gently. It's not going to help if you turn it back to your feelings at this point.

You need to gauge her state of mind about this - she may need longer to get over what happened (I'd lay money on there being more to it than one isolated act of violence) & you may or may not be able to help her through this.

Don't be too quick to get angry & issue ultimatums though - muddycoffee makes a very good point

He now texts regularly because he is trying to gain control of her back. Make sure that you don't become a "controlling type" too because that is probably not what she needs, and will make you an unpleasent person in the long term.

Originally posted by ANGELUS
[
Why do you still let them text you/ring you/contact you at every possible opportunity??

If they were still bad and dumped you/you dumped them- why not get them outta your life for good instead of ruining your new relationships with altogether better blokes?

I think it is a common problem amongst lasses and one that I've had to go thru unfortunately from our lasses first boyfriend.

I thankyou. [/B]

This happens a lot but I think its important to remember two things:
1/ its not always that easy
2/ boys do this too!

Originally posted by kathythebean
This happens a lot but I think its important to remember two things:
1/ its not always that easy
2/ boys do this too!

Very true on both counts.

£100 and I'll go round his place and ask him personally for you in my usual polite if he wouldn't mind refraining from contacting his ex for a while ;) :P :D

Jonny,

I'm not going to be a lot of help here, the above comments are pretty much correct, but to summarise:

Some people are like that (the ex), live with it.

If you push your g/f, she may get p*ssed off with YOU, live with it.

Sorry I can't be more help, but lifes like this.



Oh, and MC, not sure I agree with

Originally posted by muddycoffee
If you love something, set it free, If it comes back to you it is yours to keep.
I'm more of a

"If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, hunt 'em down and kill 'em"

person.

I've even got the T-shirt. ;)

Hi all, many thanks for your replies. You maybe right in its not an isolated case with the voilence. I was with her one night not long ago, i held her wrists not tight at all during foreplay and she burst into tears from what this Matt did to her. He wouldn't let her leave from what i'm told, drink or no drink thats f****d up. As far as i no there was no rape but it still got to her.
I get paranoid that tomorrow morning it will go off again.

I'm staying there after work tonight. I won't say anything till maybe mid aft if i do.

I'll say i no nothing is going on but could you tell me please why Matt txt's you so often. Does he not understand your with me now., Honestly guys i wana no what he's saying....


She has said they were very close.

Ill bare the thought in mind if i love them set them free. But its 50/50. It'd be nice if she was open with me.

She can be hot and cold but is that women anyway. God its hard work understanding you lot lol.

How is everyone tonight :o) Tx again

give her a new phone, if he still contacts her then,well its obvious, she gave him the number and still wants contact with him, time to make your mind up then......

Hi all, many thanks for your replies. You maybe right in its not an isolated case with the voilence. I was with her one night not long ago, i held her wrists not tight at all during foreplay and she burst into tears from what this Matt did to her. He wouldn't let her leave from what i'm told, drink or no drink thats f****d up. As far as i no there was no rape but it still got to her


Get her to go to her GP & possibly arrange some counselling - it doesn't sound to me like she's had a chance to really deal with her feelings about it all. Being attacked by someone you love isn't something you get over too easily & obviously you never forget. It runs a lot deeper than bruises & it can be very hard to make the break mentally from the abuser.

It's very hard for anyone who's not been through it to understand but a big part of abuse involves taking someone's mind apart bit by bit & wearing them down until they don't know if they are coming or going. Getting a new phone may help but not if you leave your g/f to cope alone with the underlying issues. You may feel you aren't the right person to help her through this & that's fair enough - you can't force her to deal with this she's going to have to do it at the pace that's right for her.

She can be hot and cold but is that women anyway.

You may need to do a bit of research on the effects of abuse...



This might be a start (http://www.bullyonline.org/related/domestic.htm)

Survivors Sheffield may help too (http://www.napac.org.uk/services/help_groups/yorkshiresupport.html)

It must be hard you knowing these things about him and yet she still recieves texts off him. Ive had a similar experience with an ex and when i finished it i got abusive texts for a while (heartless cow, ******* *****, etc). Sorry if I'm repeating someone else but how long had they been split up before you two got together?
Emotional baggage is the worst thing to take in to a new relationship. i agree with sian that proffesional help might be the answer.

Hope everything works out for you too, you obviously care alot for her.

No i won't pick on anyone :o) Sian, it souds like you've been there mate. Well we spoke more about it in bed. Just happened to be a quiet moment that she was open to me. Apparently he just says hi hopes she ok.

I asked her to put her self in my shoes and how would she feel if my X's or X were txting me often in the morning. SHe understood. I said i no nothing is going on but could you ask him to at least txt in the day. Not morning, its making me very uncomfortable and i can't sleep.

Things so far seem better. Still a GRUMPY BIT** in the morning lol.

How are you guys is your week going ok x