I know this thread has been started before and there was talk of a bereavement group.

I've recently just lost my mum and i'm finding it really difficult to get back into normality without her. I'm in my twenties and it seems most people have to deal with this later in life.

I know everybody deals with bereavement differently and no relationship is the same but just wondered if anyone could share their experiences with me.

Ferny posted on here last year with a similar thread and there was talk of a bereavement group.

Does anyone have any information, advice or similar experiences? It feels such a dark and empty time and I think it would help me if I knew other people who have been through it.

Hey Smiley 5

My heart goes out to you, I imagine things must be really tough for you at the moment. Have you considered getting in touch with Cruse? They're a fantastic service, i've put the number of the Sheffield branch on here for you too - I think this would be a really good first point of call for you. I might have some other stuff so i'll did through it and let you know if there's anything worth looking at.

Take care of yourself.

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/about_bereavement.htm

Cruse Sheffield Branch 0114 249 3328

Hi Smiley5,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, I know just how difficult and painful it is.

I lost both my parents within a year of each other, in 1994 and 1995, I'm 30 now. It was an horrendous time, it was worse than any nightmare you could imagine.

I just took things one day at a time and I did go to counselling, which helped.

Let yourself cry and be angry, but also allow yourself time to be happy and share fun with your friends and family - that is really important.

I always thought that I wouldn't be able to cope if my parents weren't around, but I did and I do. Time really is the best healer.

Don't get me wrong, I miss them dreadfully and I'm still jealous of all those other people who get to have a cuddle from their dad or a chat with their mum, but as harsh as it may sound, life goes on and you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It will get easier, I promise.

If you want to PM me for more chats or meet for coffee for a shoulder to cry on or to talk things through, just gimme a yell.

pm sent :)

So sorry to hear of your recent loss. It sounds like a very hard time for you. As others have said, time is a great healer and, although things will never be the same for you, it will get easier. It took me a long time before I started to feel better again, after losing someone close. Sometimes, I had to tell myself that the terrible state I used to get myself in to, would upset her even more, if she could see me. I do think it's a time for evaluating personal/spiritual beliefs. I believe that those who have really loved us, never really leave us. Good luck.

I couldn't agree more with DVIA's post. I lost my foster mum almost 3 years ago, will be 3 years on 10 March, was there when it happened too which actually gave me a little comfort as she knew everyone who loved her were with her. I also like to think she's still looking down on me and when things are bad, something will happen to make them good again - as far as I'm concerned, that's her looking out for me.

It may not seem it at the moment, but it does get better in time. We're only a PM away if you need someone to talk to. The counselling idea is a good thing too if you need to talk things through with someone. It does help to talk to strangers sometimes.

Wish you all the best.

I don't usually give this type of information up freely but hey what the heck,

My heart goes out to you, I too lost my mother recently (well it still feels recently to me anyway) She died 11th Dec 2003, aged 42. I was 19 at the time and my little sister was only 15.

Since my dad fell apart and wen't his own way to start a new life, I moved out with my girlfriend, bought a house and started a new life along with her family (She has been my rock)

I still stuggle a lot but manage to keep myself togeather as I always remind myself I still have my partener, my 2 sisters and a new family.

Keep your chin up!, you WILL pull through but for some it unfortunately will always hard. You just have to remember that your mother will always live on in your memory and the memory of other loved ones, which is what I'm pretty sure she would have wanted as all mothers do.

Gary.

NB: This Xmas just gone was the first since 2003 that I kept it togeather and had a good time so you could probably use that as a general rule of thumb.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Smiley 5.
I lost my mum last October, I started a thread on here about it, I had lots of advice through posts and pm's they helped me a great deal. Take care of yourself and don't ever feel that you are alone cos we are always here. (((Hugs))) x

Hi Smiley

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mum on 12 October 2003, she was 53 and I was 23. it is hard especially if it was unexpected. you will find that life gets easier, yes you will think of her loads and she will always be there but once you get past the first things (first birthday, mothers day etc) you may find it easier.

If you need to talk feel free to pm me. Same goes for anyone else in a similar situation.

Leigh xx

i lost my mum ten years ago,the year later i lost my step dad,almost to the day,after that i found my best mate dead in bed from a heart attack after his work phoned me to say he hadnt been in for four days and i went and checked on him, theres not a day goes by,even after all this time i dont think about them,but theres nothing i can do to bring them back,even though i still wont admit to myself they are gone,it hurts,and it hurts every day,life isnt the same without them,every where i go i went with them at one time or another,people i meet i met while they were with me,its hard,but you have to move on while carrying on,yet when your on your own you have memories of them that are hard to deal with,a simple thing like a song can take you back years to when you were with them,but its all gone,you only have the memories left,and its hard ,its very hard to let go

Thank you so much for your messages of support. It really is a comfort to me :) and I really appreciate people sharing (especially since gbeardshaw says doesn't normally do these things). I know that for some people, losing someone and emotions are very private and it is difficult to express them.

I think I will look into professional counselling. Thanks for the details Jen123. At the moment, it feels so unreal. I really can't believe what has happened because we had no warning and there are so many questions and what ifs. So I hope Cruse may be a lifeline.

We had a really close relationship and she was my best friend. There are so many unanswered questions but the only thing I know is there is a huge gap and an empty space in my life. I completely agree with what DIVA says it's a time for evaluating personal/spiritual beliefs and I find myself doing that often - but swaying from one to the other trying to make sense of something so hard to believe has happened.

I know in time the feelings of shock will fade (they are starting to but reality seems more upsetting) and it is a case of putting one foot in front of the other until things get a bit easier. But you're advice and support has really focused me on getting through these dark times.

BruciesBabes I really appreciate your offer and that would be lovely. You must be such a strong person and I really respect your courage. PM me anytime.

Thank you for sharing your experiences...I hope we get some more. It really helps to share so we know people are in a similar boat and as flashbang says we're not alone in our bereavement.

Smiley please do look into professional councelling. You cannot go it alone, so remember its always better to talk about whats happened to you. Remember you have to go through a grieving process first, before you can come out at the other end.:)

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this and I know from experience how hard it is. Someone wrote to me when my mother died that losing one's mother is like losing your foundation stone and your whole world shifts. As has been said, it does take time and you should give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve. The pain of loss is at times unbearable but I do hope you get support from all around you.

Samaritans are always there 24/7 so you are never alone and you can call them (08457 909090) as often as you like while you feel you need their support.

I do hope it gets easier for you soon but it is good that you can talk about how you are feeling.

I lost my mum too very suddenly when i was 25 and mum was only 46. i know exactly how you feel.pm me if you need a chat..x

Hi Smiley.My thoughts are with you.
I lost my mum just over 2 years ago and as others have said time is a great healer.My mum died of cancer and through her illness and afterwards i threw myself into raising money.I know it helped me.I ran the London marathon in her memory and all through the training i thought of her.I'm immensly proud to be her son and every day i think how lucky i was to have had a wonderful mum.
Many people don't enjoy a mothers love and even though losing them is incredibly painful it's a small price to pay for all the love we've had.

Be proud of yourself for being her child.

God bless

I lost my mother at a young age, she was only 40. She had a brain haemmorhage due to an anyeurism, at the age of 38, and spent 2 1/2 years in a waking-coma. She left a six-year old, and two teenage daughters (well I'd not long turned 20, actually, and my sis was 18 ) I think it was hardest on the little'un, as we'd had X number of years of our mum:- her only memories of my mum were of her lying in the hospital bed.

It was hard, even though we were constantly waiting for "the inevitable" to happen.

it's never easy to lose a parent, we expect them to always be around.

For most of us, as good, bad, or indifferent they were as parents, they are still our rock and our benchmark, a reference point in our lives.

It's 24 years, this coming September, since I lost my mum. It's still hard. You don't necessarily get "over" it, but you do get through it.

She might not have been the best mum in the world, but she was the best mum I had...

Smiley, the main thing is to allow yourself to grieve, in your own way, at your own pace. Don't say "oh, XX was back to normal in 6 months, Y was back to normal in 4 months, I have to be back to normal in ~~~ months." We all grieve at a different pace, and each stage of our grief goes at its own pace.

Sympathies, Smiley.

PT

I know this thread has been started before and there was talk of a bereavement group.

I've recently just lost my mum and i'm finding it really difficult to get back into normality without her. I'm in my twenties and it seems most people have to deal with this later in life.

I know everybody deals with bereavement differently and no relationship is the same but just wondered if anyone could share their experiences with me.

Ferny posted on here last year with a similar thread and there was talk of a bereavement group.

Does anyone have any information, advice or similar experiences? It feels such a dark and empty time and I think it would help me if I knew other people who have been through it.

hi not since lost my dad to cancer know it,s really hard had time off work. now am seeing a counsellor hypnotherapist and it really helping may be would help you.know it,s hard we will never get over it. if you need one let me know and will give you the info

It's lovely to know I'm not alone. The posts and PMs have really helped to ease some of the pain because I know that I am not the only one who is going through it and there are people who have survived it. It must be the most difficult thing anyone has to go through. Thanks for the recommendations and advice xx

Hey Smiley, hope you are okay. I lost my dad when I was 15, i'm 20 now and though it gets easier as time goes on, I still miss him like hell and probably always will.
I found it best to try and get back into a familar routine, I went back to school a few weeks after he died and just tried to get on with it. When you get upset just think of the good times you had together and say outloud that you love them. That always helps me anyway!:)
If you wanna chat PM me. :)

Plaintalker's right about getting through it rather than over it . When my Mum died ( 11 years ago and I still miss her) I felt as though I'd become a member of a club I didn't want to join. Friends had lost parents and I'd been sympathetic (of course) but you really don't know how it feels until it happens to you.

After the initial shock I found it helpful to treat myself like a convalescent. I was quite withdrawn for a while but took little steps back into normal life, socialising etc. If you work don't feel you have to go back straight away.

From this site http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_factsheets/bereavement.html#2

The stages of grief

There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal.

The stages of grief aren't distinct, and there is usually some overlap between them.

Feeling emotionally numb is often the first reaction to a loss. This may last for a few hours, days or longer. In some ways, this numbness can help you get through the practical arrangements and family pressures that surround the funeral, but if this phase goes on for too long it can become a problem.

Numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. For example, every time the phone rings you might expect it to be the person who has died, or you may think you see him or her on the bus or in crowds.

You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.

This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person.

Over time, the pain, sadness and depression start to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again. Although it's important to acknowledge there may always be a feeling of loss, you learn to live with it.

The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and carry on with your life, though it may not be exactly the same as it was before. Your sleeping patterns and energy levels return to normal.

I feel exactly that way gneighbour. It feels as though I am a member in a club I dont want to be a member of but it is a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks for discussing the stages of grieving. It's really helpful.

Hope it helps others too.

I feel exactly that way gneighbour. It feels as though I am a member in a club I dont want to be a member of but it is a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

Thanks for discussing the stages of grieving. It's really helpful.

Hope it helps others too.


I'm glad to have been of help. The grieving stage that really knocked me sideways was anger. I could deal with the more or less rational desire to find someone to blame (like the doctor) but there was other stuff. At Victoria coach station, out of the blue, I became enraged at the sight of old ladies. My Mum had been relatively young and apparently fit yet she had succumbed to a heart attack when there were all these "decrepit old biddies" (as I saw them) still walking around! I had to go and hide in the loos til it passed, not a nice way to feel at all.

I feel I should warn you to brace yourself for Mother's day. It really brings it home. I found it especially hard to see signs "nagging" me not to forget................ Like everything else though it will get easier and it does help to remember you are not the only one to whom those signs no longer apply.

one word of advice I would give is to be prepared, that your "firsts" after your mum has passed are all going to be difficult, your "first mother's day" the first birthdays you or your kids might have, the first birthday your mum would have had, the first Christmas, wedding anniversaries... etc etc, these are all milestones, as you think "God! this time last year, mum was with us, doing XYZ..." these are often the hardest hurdles to surmount. and agin, I will remind you that whatever way you grieve for her, as the months pass, is fine, there's no specific prescription/ timscale of which stage you pass through, at what point. indeed you may find that you go a stage forward, but then as an anniversary arrives, you may go a bit "off kilter" and go back a little as you have a bit of a wobble...

but, hey it's all ok, it'll all be progress.

all the best.

Mothers day still gets me every year. Also I agree with the anger thing being worse stage of all. About a month after my mum died work decided to put up signs in the canteen advising that your mum doesn't work here so clean your tables. I was so angry with thay, felt like it was there just to annoy me and I've never felt anger like it.

At Victoria coach station, out of the blue, I became enraged at the sight of old ladies. My Mum had been relatively young and apparently fit yet she had succumbed to a heart attack when there were all these "decrepit old biddies" (as I saw them) still walking around! I had to go and hide in the loos til it passed, not a nice way to feel at all.

I feel I should warn you to brace yourself for Mother's day.

It does seem so unfair! Although I'm just trying to think that I (and my mum) wouldn't have wanted her to get to that 'old biddy' stage! But, yes, there are some elderly people who are senile and lonely in this world and it seems so sad when people we love who we want to spend more time with are taken away.

I still can't believe she's not here and all of it seems such a surreal experience.

These posts have really helped me though :) Like I said before, it's nice not to feel alone. I know Sunday will be really hard but sometimes it feels like she's with me so I'm hoping I'll feel that. It's times when she's not with me that are so upsetting.

It does seem so unfair! Although I'm just trying to think that I (and my mum) wouldn't have wanted her to get to that 'old biddy' stage! But, yes, there are some elderly people who are senile and lonely in this world and it seems so sad when people we love who we want to spend more time with are taken away.

I still can't believe she's not here and all of it seems such a surreal experience.

These posts have really helped me though Like I said before, it's nice not to feel alone. I know Sunday will be really hard but sometimes it feels like she's with me so I'm hoping I'll feel that. It's times when she's not with me that are so upsetting.