View Full Version : I'm not a carer any more
I took over caring for my ma-in-law when my partner, her daughter, died on 17 April 2005.
She went into hospital for assessment of dementia on 31 December. I've been battling with the Social Worker, consultant, psychiatrist, etc, about whether she could come home or whether she really needed to go into a nursing home.
She was a bit poorly when I went to see her yesterday afternoon, but they weren't sure what it was. They phoned me just before 8pm last night to say she'd deteriorated a lot since I'd seen her.
When I got to the hospital, I could see she was a lot worst. The doctor thought she had either a bowel obstruction or a blood clot in the bowel, and there was nothing much they could do, except keep her comfortable.
I left her to go for a ciggie and a paper just before 9 this morning, and when I got back she'd died. She wasn't on her own, a couple of the nurses were with her and it was peaceful.
Now I just feel totally lost and life seems so empty. I moaned about her so much when she was alive, now I just wish she was here and nagging me to let the dog out, or feed the cat, or pick up something that had fallen on the floor.
There's nothing I can say that will take away any of the pain you'll be feeling right now, so I won't even try.
All I will say is that I'll be thinking of you - and that we're here if and when you need to talk.
This is a difficult subject but its dear to my heart because Ive been there and done that too, as have many many others.
All I can advise is that now is the time to see it as the ending of a chapter in your life and the potential beginning of a new one, a new chapter and a new life. From here on in, its YOUR life now, and its up to you how you decide to spend it.
I know it sounds callous, but its a base fact and carers NEED to be able to indulge in a little selfishness now and again.
Do what I did, get out there into the world and let them all know that youre still strong and capable of resuming your life.
just - ((((((((hugs)))))))) - that's all
XXXX PT XXXX
So sorry to hear about your Ma in law Dozy, things are going to feel really strange for a while till you adjust.
I remember the day my dad died, I actually felt wonder when I saw the sunshine and busses and the world carrying on as normal, it all felt so strange like I was there but not a part of it... but it was kind of comforting too.
I think Jabbers has given good advice, its time to re-invent yourself and start a fresh new life.... in time.
Be kind to yourself Dozy and rest a while now, you deserve it.
Just to echo PT ... and send a cyber hug too - it must feel very strange at the moment and very quiet for you. Just be kind to yourself and treat yourself tenderly for a while, it's very hard to cope at first.
Sorry to hear of your loss Dozy. I can't echo enough what the others have said - also please take comfort in the fact that she hasn't had a lengthy stay in hospital. You gave her the best possible life she could have had until she became ill. You must have a heart of gold - and I'm sure eventually you'll be able to put it to good use again.
I'm so sorry to hear about your ma in law Dozy. I know that caring defined how you felt about yourself for a long time and that losing her will bring up all of the feelings about losing your partner as well as your immediate loss.
Sending you the best cyberhug I can summon up, and wishing you some time and some strength (and a box of decent tissues that won't make your nose feel sore).
In time I'm sure you'll have other things to fill up your time, your emotions and your house, but it's completely understandable if it's all a bit much at the moment.
Fall apart when you need to, cry when you need to and escape it all when you need to.
Dozy, I've only just seen this. I am so so sorry. I suppose it was inevitably going to happen some time, but that doesn't make it any easier. As said above, I know this will be wrapped up in the feelings and memories of your partner, and the deep and dogged commitment that you'd dedicated your life to. Any grieving will mean you need to allow yourself to just be for a while, but as you've lost your daily full time role it's going to feel even more like everything's just stopped.
You've more than done your bit for others. Now it's definitely time for YOU. Once the pain and shock have passed the worst, you can dream of building a new life - doing whatever you want and whatever you've ever had to put off. You've earned it. But for now,
So sorry to hear about your MIL Dozy. :(
Don't really know what else to say.
Thanks all for the support and messages, I really appreciate them.
Nothing ever goes smoothly, does it? I went to the Town Hall to register Meg's death and, while I was sitting waiting to go in, the fire alarm went off and the building had to be evacuated.
They were back in again after about 10 minutes, so I got it sorted and don't have to go back tomorrow.
Just as well, as I need the paperwork for the undertaker tomorrow afternoon.
Just seen this thread, Dozy, whilst nosying around..:(
I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said by so many caring peoples.
but I'll add some extra (((((((( ash hugs ))))))) from me.
I'm always about at night as you know, and nights are sometimes strange times, at times like these....
Feel free to PM me, if no one any better is around :)
Dozy - hugs. It is going to be natural to miss Meg who was so much of your everyday life and of course you moaned about stuff ( only a martyr wouldn't). I bet Meg was very grateful for your devotion even when she was being difficult, because I bet she knew you could have walked away after your partner died. But you didn't... you stuck around for her.... I have tears in my eyes thinking what a decent person you must be to do that. Not sure I'd do for my Ma-in-law.
It is going to be hard to let go but please do not give yourself a hard time about moaning about her... I reckon Meg and your partner are dead proud of you. Grieve and remember you have a life ( your life) to start filling with things for you.
I have only just seen this thread, sorry to be late. I was very sorry to hear your news. I had read your posts sometimes and thought it was very good of you to take on the care of your ma-in-law, many people wouldn't have.
I was a carer for my mum for a couple of years before she died and I remember feeling very lost and wondering what to do with all this empty time I suddenly had left. 3 years on and I now wonder when I will manage to get everything done, so other things do come along to fill up the void, but it feels very strange for a while.
I hope the funeral goes smoothly and brings some closure for you, and that you feel able to get on with your own life again.
Hi, don't think you can't keep posting on this site will you? Everybody here wants to help in any way we can.
Dozy I'm so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. I don't really have any advice, but would just echo what's already been said. Keep you chin up but let yourself grieve. I think you are amazing for looking after her for so long, and I'm sure she appreciated it and loved you dearly for caring for her. Good luck with adjusting. We are thinking of you:)