I fart - everybody farts but I fart in front of close friends and all my immediate family!!

However.....my husband does not!!

We had our first major argument in our courting days bcoz he found out I farted in front of an ex-boyfriend but to date had not farted in front of him.....Bizarre!! Now I do all the time (we are married) but he (and his family) still do it behind the bathroom door!!

I find it peculiar...I told him tonight his family are wierd not mine..but with no other family to compare against....are we (my family) really that strange!!!!

I have standards in the workplace etc but at home I just let it OUT!!!

What dya think???

Heck...it's a natural bodily function! Just let it blow! :)

WOW - so far poll suggests most people try not to fart in front of anyone!!!! My family must resemble 'The Royle Family' then LOL ! My Arse!!!

No point keeping it under wraps.. If its brewing its coming out :D

Seen in another Sheffield slang thread on here:

Where ever you be, let the wind blow free
Church or chapel, let the bugger rattle

I try not to fart in front of anyone, as most people find it disgusting, but I don't have any control over it, and if it goes I have to face the consequences.
It's helpful if there is a well fed dog or cat in the room then the blame can be apportioned quite easily.
The worst thing I ever found to cause me to fart was Newcastle Brown Ale. This wonderous luxury beer has such a devastating effect on my lower bowel and colon that I could be useful, in that state, for some kind of chemical production or stripping of coatings in a factory. Indeed it is so bad that I have to abstain from that particular juice, since I narrowly avoided a written warning at work, For causing the sales director to vomit.

Farting infront of family & close friends is a term of enderment with out words. You are at total ease with these people & they accept you for what you are & what smells you create.

Being able to fart on spouses leg while curled up in bed Sunday morning is another way of saying I love you (So he tells me).

Farting in the super market then walking away from your spouse making everyone think that they have farted ISNT funny

What an approriate thread for me today. :D

I've just got back from work (early day I know) and I've had to put up with my work-mate's arse all morning. It was ransid! He said he was getting his own back for Friday when my arse was apparently just as bad. Personally I think it was just to prove that he can out-fart me any day cos he happens to be about 20 years older, his bowel is much more mature than mine and can produce a much richer fart than I. Charming! :roll: :lol:

If it's the work lads then I'll just let it rip as they do, if I'm with my long suffering other half I'm the same (and so is she although she's a little more restrained :lol: ) but has any other bloke noticed that when you're in unfamiliar surroundings and you need to fart, you think you're completely alone and the coast is clear to let one fly, but as soon as you do a woman walks by!!!! This has always astounded (and embarrassed) me. You don't really want people you don't know thinking you're a smelly arse, even if you are sometimes. :blush:

For me though I don't think it's a HUGE deal. Everyone does it so why worry? Toilet humour appeals to me so I usually find it hilarious :) *phrrrrrt!*

Farting....is it really that serious?

If you had been anywhere near me today, you would know it really is that serious :gag:
Had a couple of takeaways at the weekend. Seems to have re-jigged my internal organs :hihi: :heyhey:

At least I have only been with the dog. He doesn't mind :D

What an excellent subject,it has made me put pen to paper so to speak.I have been sat hear browsing in the midst of bronchitis bored out of my mind-being off work ,and I must say what a laugh.It certainley caused me to cough and splutter with tears of laughter.i like the supermarket comment ,which I must admit I do myself to my wife and daughter. I once ,years ago when i was at school saw someone light one,that still makes me laugh when I think about it .This also makes me wonder if the population could harness the substance,the methane by having recepticles ,well to fart into.Just think of all the free energy for heat cooking etc.,

Originally posted by allotmentman
This also makes me wonder if the population could harness the substance,the methane by having recepticles ,well to fart into.Just think of all the free energy for heat cooking etc.,
You'd be bound to get someone selling the contents on ebay:rolleyes:
Bottled Sheffield farts. Ideal for warming up beans. Self perpetuating thing, really.... :hihi:

farting in front of someone is disrespectfull.
My work partner does it regular and last week I got a bit stroppy with him as I was sick of the smell and I was'nt putting up with it any longer.
He has now stopped doing it in my company.
I admit we aall do it but do we have to put others through smelling your gas from your guts.
I think not. :rant:

Not really that serious I don't think just a bit inconsiderate of the others around you. Also not gentlemanly etiquette to break wind in the company of others!

Great idea Draggletail.Sorry to those who dont find it tastefull so to speak ,but I am still laughing at the thread.

No problem for boys, but girls REALLY shouldnt do it - if they need to then it should be done in private.

Originally posted by mat1978
No problem for boys, but girls REALLY shouldnt do it - if they need to then it should be done in private.

Some girls do.. I remember walking round the corner from a cash machine in town, this poor girl with one leg lifted in the air let out a ripper that a bloke would have been proud off.. She didn't realise I was there and I walked up and said 'Good evening to you too love' :hihi: :hihi:

Always check behind you girls ;)

Fartin aint that bad as long as they aint the really stinky ones that make even the owner want to throw up....

And fartin in a car and over riding the electric windows so no one can get fresh air is just evil.....

Guys have obviously worked out that this bodily function is a great way to wind up the girls!

I used to have 2 male flatmates who would:

1. Run into my room while I was still in bed in the morning, climb in, fart, pull the duvet over my head and hold me under.

2. Run into my room at any other time of day, climb into my bed, fart, and run out again.

3. If they had a particularly vicious one brewing, walk in, pretend they were there to talk about something innocuous, drop one and leave me to hang out the window choking.

Note to guys: NOT FUNNY!

Originally posted by Twiglet
1. Run into my room while I was still in bed in the morning, climb in, fart, pull the duvet over my head and hold me under.


:hihi: :hihi: :clap: :clap:

Thats made my day complete now :D

The dog is the worst offender in our house, - he's silent but deadly and has made me feel phyically sick on occasion. :gag:

I tell him off about it and he shakes seven bells out of his toy rabbit as if trying to lay the blame elsewhere. :)

better out then in but i hate the word fart .......
i much rather saying bottom burp ....
whats do others call this ????

better out then in but i hate the word fart . i much rather saying bottom burp

Does this mean that if you Burp with your arse after eating Indian food that you are complimenting the host?

On the other hand......I found this for all of you timid farters who insist on keeping it to yourself.....

The Flat-D Fart Filter Underwear Insert (http://www.shopinprivate.com/flatfarfilun.html)

According to the seller:

The Flat-D (stands for flatulence deodorizer) is a high tech filter that was original designed to defend against chemical warfare. Chemical defense suits were originally made of the material. Well, our fine inventor friend noticed that whenever he passed gas in his chemical suit, you couldn't smell it. The Flat-D was born.

While the packaging isn't great, the product works very, very well. The company makes a chair pad and an underwear insert. This product is a pad that you attach to the inside of your underwear. It is slim, comfortable, and reusable.


:o :o :o

I love farting. . It's ace and has been all my life.
I think if you eat 'uggins of fruit, veg and spicey food. . Its your bodys audiable way of saying "cheers"

To those that think that fartin stinks, I think you should celebrate the smell rather than shun the pong!

If someone lets of a fruity-woof, it's an opportunity missed if you don't sample the stench and pass comment onto the owner of your opinions.

Come on, Where else can you make great noises with your body without using your mouth. . it's like your bum talkin ( or talkin outta your bum)

Also, I managed to light one the other day. I felt so fulfilled and a real sence of acheivement, as I've never been able to do that before.

I'll fart in front of close family, and close friends, but NOT my boyfriend; I think as soon as you can fart infront of your partner the relationship is over, be it in two weeks or two years!

K x

Hi Kristian

Well he's stuck by me for 9 years to date - I think he quite likes the 'central heating' I provide at bedtime - LOL!

Great to read all your opinions on farting!!

In fact I have been told you still fart after death!!! Wow maybe I'll rattle one out as the curtain closes round my coffin as a way of saying goodbye...

[i]Originally posted by Chicago
....On the other hand......I found this for all of you timid farters who insist on keeping it to yourself.....

The Flat-D Fart Filter Underwear Insert (http://www.shopinprivate.com/flatfarfilun.html)

According to the seller:

The Flat-D (stands for flatulence deodorizer) is a high tech filter that was original designed to defend against chemical warfare. Chemical defense suits were originally made of the material. Well, our fine inventor friend noticed that whenever he passed gas in his chemical suit, you couldn't smell it. The Flat-D was born.

While the packaging isn't great, the product works very, very well. The company makes a chair pad and an underwear insert. This product is a pad that you attach to the inside of your underwear. It is slim, comfortable, and reusable.


:o :o :o [/B]
Dare I say this Chicago .... We have a saying over here ' It could only happen in America' - Case in point....
Nice post :thumbsup:

I have five brothers and a few of their tricks have been mentioned on here already but boy have I suffered.
One of my brothers still chokes his wife under the quilt occasionally and I really wouldn't have put up with that as long as she has.
My sons are now the ones to carry on this habit and I often have to rescue my youngest (daughter) from her sufferings.
One of my lads once got her to climb into a wardrobe as part of a game, only to leave one in there with her and barricade her in with an item of furniture. I knew something had happened when both my boys staggered towards me with tears streaming down their faces...........my daughter had only puked up in the wardrobe!
My dogs are quite polite in comparison to some humans it seems and have also suffered. One of my dogs growls at anyone if their bottom moves in too close, he's obviously well aware of my lad's humour.

It is a Male thing trumping.
It is considered perfectly acceptable for a male to trump, and with the palm of his right hand, waff it straight up their lasses nose. It is not acceptable for women to trump, the queen does'nt.
On the other hand, its a poor arse that can't rejoice. :P

My cat farts...a three-legged moggy and an expert at the SBD...you never hear it before it assaults your nose.

Fart and apologise, for I loathe the person who breaks wind and glorys in the unpleasant fallout.

Originally posted by Carmine
My cat farts...a three-legged moggy and an expert at the SBD...you never hear it before it assaults your nose.

Fart and apologise, for I loathe the person who breaks wind and glorys in the unpleasant fallout.

My next door's cat used to poo in the garden, then bury it. How clever is that then?

Originally posted by viking
My next door's cat used to poo in the garden, then bury it. How clever is that then? I once watched in fascination as a cat defacated in the middle of my neighbour's lawn and fastidiously dug up the turf before concealing the offending turd beneath and prancing off...the wonders of nature.

My cat's not allowed out due to his disability, the problem is that his lack of a pair of back legs means he can't triangulate the proper angle and misses his litter tray all the time.

And when I bought him prawns the other day the finnicky ******* turned his nose up...ah well, more for me.

<---rather cute and very old dog used to let off a silent-but-deadly, wag her tail like mad to waft it round the room then run off to escape the fumes!!! either that or she'd manage a not-quite-silent-but-still-as-deadly, make herself jump with the noise and run off somewhere safe!!!!:gag:
awww... I miss the poor lil dog!!!:suspect:

Farting is just so funny! :banana: spread the 'word'!

Hang onto it atyour peril - the key to life is a healthy colon!

Originally posted by em3978
<---rather cute and very old dog used to let off a silent-but-deadly, wag her tail like mad to waft it round the room then run off to escape the fumes!!! either that or she'd manage a not-quite-silent-but-still-as-deadly, make herself jump with the noise and run off somewhere safe!!!!:gag:
awww... I miss the poor lil dog!!!:suspect: My partner grew up with the wonderful comic stylings of a Collie and a Yorshire Terrier.

The former would hunch down on his front legs and hoist his posterior in the air to break wind.

But for years they thought that the little terrier was scared of his own flatulence as every time he farted he let out a little yelp and ran forward a few feet. After a number of years he had an x-ray taken and the vet figured out that the poor little mite had a testicle wrapped around his pelvis so that when he farted it twanged against the bone like an elasticated bat and ball.

Now that's a painful fart.

Originally posted by Kristian
I'll fart in front of close family, and close friends, but NOT my boyfriend; I think as soon as you can fart infront of your partner the relationship is over, be it in two weeks or two years!

K x

Originally posted by shieshuk
Hi Kristian

Well he's stuck by me for 9 years to date - I think he quite likes the 'central heating' I provide at bedtime - LOL!


Yes, perhaps my first post was a little strong; trumping in front of your partner might not mean the end of everything, although one person brushing their teeth while the other has a poo most certaiinly is in my book! :gag:

Do anyother Dads fart on their kids heads to get a
:gag: AAaarrghhh DAAAAAAD! reaction?

My Dad did it to me & now I find I'm continuing the family trend.

It's so funny :hihi:

Eeurgh, that's truly disgusting!!!

Mind you "pull my finger" still raises a giggle.

Originally posted by feargal Mind you "pull my finger" still raises a giggle. [/B] I remember the US satire magazine "Cracked" claiming that definitive date of the first "Pull my finger" joke was circa 40,000 BC.

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
Do anyother Dads fart on their kids heads to get a
:gag: AAaarrghhh DAAAAAAD! reaction?

My Dad did it to me & now I find I'm continuing the family trend.

It's so funny :hihi:

My dad used to fart then lock all the car windows.
He was an evil man.

oh what a funny thread, it was a year before i dared fart in front of my boyfriend and that was only cos he did it by accident himself
still makes me laugh, i used to wonder why he was always in such a hurry to leave my house in the morning :D

Originally posted by shieshuk
I fart - everybody farts but I fart in front of close friends and all my immediate family!! I have standards in the workplace etc but at home I just let it OUT!!!

This thread is fab!!

It's difficult when you are at work though, and you really wanna let one rip. It's a case of holding it in, squeezing your cheeks tight until you get to the sanctuary of the staff loos, then you really let it all out!

You feel so relieved and great :banana:, until you hear the toilet flush a few stalls up from you. You think, sh**te, someone's heard me and then you have to stay in the loos until that person leaves for fear of being named and shamed all around the office!!! :blush:

May I lower the tone (if at all posiible) & ask - have you ever signed the canvass?
You know... skid marks... followed through... ?????

Is this a problem confined to the elderly or very drunk?

Have you ever drawn mud while out shopping for example?

:confused: :gag: :o

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
[B]May I lower the tone (if at all posiible) & ask - have you ever signed the canvass?
You know... skid marks... followed through... ?????

I had an unfortunate incident years ago whilst walking from forge dam to endcliffe park.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere came a very urgent need for the toilet. Something I had eaten, perhaps....
I almost made it to the public toilet in endcliffe park -

I was SO close....:blush: :blush: :blush: :hihi:

I did a wet n windy trouser cough once on my way to work.

Downer.

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
I did a wet n windy trouser cough once on my way to work.

At least I was able to go home to sort out the problem. Sounds like you where stuck with it all day :D

A friend of mine took some slimming tablets called Xenical; they work by stopping the fat being absorbed in your body, and it instead comes through undigested.

She was in town shopping, and did a wet fart so powerfully greasy it came through her pants AND her skirt! :gag:

She gave the tablets to me after that, and I sufferred an incident so humilliating, I could never post the details! :blush:

K x

Originally posted by Draggletail
At least I was able to go home to sort out the problem. Sounds like you where stuck with it all day :D
I was in a bit of a dilemma; I had walked half a mile to where I was going to get a lift in. With no way of contacting said 'cheuffer' I was forced to go back home.
The dilemma now was a) they were gonna be late waiting for no-show me. And I was gonna be late.

Needless to add I had a very sore eye for about 3 days after.

Caustic innit? :cry:

Originally posted by Kristian
She gave the tablets to me after that, and I sufferred an incident so humilliating, I could never post the details! :blush:

[/B]
You took the tablets knowing the possible effect they could have on you? :nono: :hihi:

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick

Needless to add I had a very sore eye for about 3 days after.

Caustic innit? :cry: [/B]

Smarts, dunt it. Need to develop a bit of a 'John Wayne' walk :D

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
I did a wet n windy trouser cough once on my way to work.

Downer.

Hehehehe, you 'sharted'. :lol: :lol: :lol: :clap:

Originally posted by viking
My next door's cat used to poo in the garden, then bury it. How clever is that then?

Someone is supposed to say;

"Don't all cats do that?"

and viking replies:

"Wot? With a JCB?"
(Cymbal crash)


Ok. I'll get my coat, then.

Originally posted by Draggletail
You took the tablets knowing the possible effect they could have on you? :nono: :hihi:

True, sad but true! I did follow the instructions about not eating too much fat, and was quite happy with the results! :clap: This continued until the night that I went out for a meal, and decided to take 2 tablets 'cos I knew that I was going to indulge! The rest is far too embarassing to talk about - unless you REALLY want to know! :gag: :gag:

K x

Call it morbid curiousity but GWAAAAAAAN!!! Spill the beans....again. Heheheh! :gag:

This is great - It's turning into a 'we've all shat ourselves'
thread :hihi:
My Dad would have been proud of my contribution to this. He was a master of 'toilet humour and farting' Bless :) :hihi: :heyhey: :D

Originally posted by Pauly
Call it morbid curiousity but GWAAAAAAAN!!! Spill the beans....again. Heheheh! :gag:

A bl**dy hour that took - I've been dying to tell everyone! :D

Ok, after the (v. fattenning) meal with friends from work, I went for a few beers, and then ended up eating a very greasy garlic bread and a pizza from the local takeaway.

All was fine until the next morning, when I woke up at about 10am with a thick head, dying for a wee.

So there I am, dressed only in last night's Calvins, having staggered to the bathroom, weeing peacefully. I felt the need for a 'trump' (this is a family forum! :D) so did so while weeing. A trump it was not. I felt an unfamiliar 'wet heat' on my cheeks, and immediately put my hand on my bum to check what I hoped I hadn't done. The result was horrid; orange goo was running down my legs, and I was immediately sick. However, the wretching action simply produced more of the same chain-reaction 'trumping', continue ad nauseam in the literal sense.!

The worst thing was, it wouldn't wash off! :gag: :gag: :gag:

Cut to me calling my Mom in tears saying 'Mommy, I've sh*t myself in my own bathroom'. The humilliation was immense (although I was alone), and the pants went straight in the bin!

I feel soooo dirty just remembering!

These days when I want to lose weight, I stick with tried and trusted traditional methods such as cigarettes, and vomiting after meals!

K x

very good story lmao!!! a little dirty laundry (from your quotation)

I bet you had a lot that day :D

Originally posted by bladesgirl
very good story lmao!!! a little dirty laundry (from your quotation)

I bet you had a lot that day :D

You'll never know honey! Try explaining that one away at the launderette!

K x

Kris.
F A N T A S T I C !:thumbsup:

Originally posted by Kristian
, I've sh*t myself in my own bathroom'. The humilliation was immense (although I was alone), and the pants went straight in the bin!
I know exactly how you feel, because I once did exactly the same thing while driving back from manchester and I was nearly home. Driving down Abbey Lane!

I spent almost an hour in the shower washing my arse. Later I rang some of my friends and told them all about it, It was the only way I could cope with the trauma. And of course I couldn't let the poor washing machine cope with that, they had to go in the bin.

The cause of the consternation was a chicken tikka sandwhich I had eaten in a motorway services in cheshire, It was a warm day and the sandwhich had probably got a little past it's best.

Originally posted by Kristian
A bl**dy hour that took - I've been dying to tell everyone! :D

Ok, after the (v. fattenning) meal with friends from work, I went for a few beers, and then ended up eating a very greasy garlic bread and a pizza from the local takeaway.

All was fine until the next morning, when I woke up at about 10am with a thick head, dying for a wee.

So there I am, dressed only in last night's Calvins, having staggered to the bathroom, weeing peacefully. I felt the need for a 'trump' (this is a family forum! :D) so did so while weeing. A trump it was not. I felt an unfamiliar 'wet heat' on my cheeks, and immediately put my hand on my bum to check what I hoped I hadn't done. The result was horrid; orange goo was running down my legs, and I was immediately sick. However, the wretching action simply produced more of the same chain-reaction 'trumping', continue ad nauseam in the literal sense.!

The worst thing was, it wouldn't wash off! :gag: :gag: :gag:

Cut to me calling my Mom in tears saying 'Mommy, I've sh*t myself in my own bathroom'. The humilliation was immense (although I was alone), and the pants went straight in the bin!

I feel soooo dirty just remembering!

These days when I want to lose weight, I stick with tried and trusted traditional methods such as cigarettes, and vomiting after meals!

K x

Hehe, lovin it. My trumps shall salute you sir :thumbsup:

better out then in i always say

Originally posted by shieshuk
I fart - everybody farts but I fart in front of close friends and all my immediate family!!

However.....my husband does not!!

We had our first major argument in our courting days bcoz he found out I farted in front of an ex-boyfriend but to date had not farted in front of him.....Bizarre!! Now I do all the time (we are married) but he (and his family) still do it behind the bathroom door!!

I find it peculiar...I told him tonight his family are wierd not mine..but with no other family to compare against....are we (my family) really that strange!!!!

I have standards in the workplace etc but at home I just let it OUT!!!

What dya think???

Wherever you may be, always let your wind go free, whether in Church or in Chapel, let it go, with a tremendous rattle.:clap: :gag: :heyhey: :hihi: :suspect:

I remember going out once in London to a "fetish" club with a mate of mine, he was wearing a rubber all in one cycling shorts and vest thing (he had the body to get away with it).
We were at the bar and he farted, of course the suit was so tight it couldn't get out and it just caused a "bubble" in the back of his shorts, which he had to squeeze down the leg to release.
Oh how we laughed as it came out with a puff of talcum powder that he had used to line the inside of the suit.

Originally posted by nick2
I remember going out once in London to a "fetish" club with a mate of mine, he was wearing a rubber all in one cycling shorts and vest thing (he had the body to get away with it).
We were at the bar and he farted, of course the suit was so tight it couldn't get out and it just caused a "bubble" in the back of his shorts, which he had to squeeze down the leg to release.
Oh how we laughed as it came out with a puff of talcum powder that he had used to line the inside of the suit.

Fantastic! I love a good trump story! :thumbsup:

K x

Originally posted by nick2
I remember going out once in London to a "fetish" club with a mate of mine, he was wearing a rubber all in one cycling shorts and vest thing (he had the body to get away with it).
We were at the bar and he farted, of course the suit was so tight it couldn't get out and it just caused a "bubble" in the back of his shorts, which he had to squeeze down the leg to release.
Oh how we laughed as it came out with a puff of talcum powder that he had used to line the inside of the suit.

Superb. :D That would've killed me. :lol: :clap:

You really should try some Asafetida, it is excellent for stopping flatulence. :thumbsup:

Nick I would have loved to have seen your buddies "lump" :D :D :D

Originally posted by owdlad
[B]You really should try some Asafetida, it is excellent for stopping flatulence. :thumbsup:


Why on earth would anyone want to stop flatulence :hihi: :hihi:
(This Isn't Draggletail speaking - It is in the spirit of my dad):suspect: :hihi:
He would have loved this thread.....:D Parp. Thrump.:heyhey:

Is there a particular food that aggravates &/or predisposes you to flatus?

I for example take great pleasure in eating onions for they empower me with the force of the hurricaine.
For my older sibling it's pork products to create his miasma.
A close friend & collegue only has to look at a clove of garlic & he's off like an Oompah band.

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
Is there a particular food that aggravates &/or predisposes you to flatus?

I for example take great pleasure in eating onions for they empower me with the force of the hurricaine.
For my older sibling it's pork products to create his miasma.
A close friend & collegue only has to look at a clove of garlic & he's off like an Oompah band.

I'm lovin' your phraseology, but personally, it's sage and onion stuffing for me!

K x

Drinking a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda in warm water will eliminate any embarassing aromas in the work place etc.

important to just let it out - much to my partners annoyance, different at work but at home -there she blows!!!!!!!:gag:

Originally posted by sunshineyday
important to just let it out - much to my partners annoyance, different at work but at home -there she blows!!!!!!!:gag:

Fine as long as you dont "Sign the bedsheet" :suspect:

Originally posted by viking
Fine as long as you dont "Sign the bedsheet" :suspect:

Uuurgh! :gag: I've learnt more horrid terms from this thread than I did from school!

K x

My sister told me a funny story about her boyfriend and his mates on a "lads holiday" in Benedorm (or somewhere like that).

They were all very drunk when they went to bed and one of them farted during the night and produced a little "nugget".

When he woke up int he morning he didn't know anything about it and assumed the nugget was a piece of black (a chunk of cannabis resin) so he put it in a rizla and they all tried to smoke it.

Originally posted by nick2
My sister told me a funny story about her boyfriend and his mates on a "lads holiday" in Benedorm (or somewhere like that).

They were all very drunk when they went to bed and one of them farted during the night and produced a little "nugget".

When he woke up int he morning he didn't know anything about it and assumed the nugget was a piece of black (a chunk of cannabis resin) so he put it in a rizla and they all tried to smoke it.

You should write a poo-related book Nick! Any more good ones? :thumbsup: :D :hihi:

K x

I can't think of any others, I'll ask my mates tonight.

Originally posted by nick2
My sister told me a funny story about her boyfriend and his mates on a "lads holiday" in Benedorm (or somewhere like that).

They were all very drunk when they went to bed and one of them farted during the night and produced a little "nugget".

When he woke up int he morning he didn't know anything about it and assumed the nugget was a piece of black (a chunk of cannabis resin) so he put it in a rizla and they all tried to smoke it.

Thought it came from a CRACK house

I can't help it but as soon as I get in the drivers seat of my car I let one rip. I dont know if its the position or mental conditioning but there she blows.

I find sprouts the worst culprits and definately get the best reaction. I like women to fart, to me it means your comfortable and relaxed.

My sister visited our parents in France and she let a really loud one go. As soon as she did that she looked up to see the next door neighbour who was sat on his roof waiting for the fireworks to start. He asked the next day how old she was and had to answer 35 but a mental age of 10, typical lawyer.

Kristian, your story was so funny, I laughed so hard I nearly pooed myself!

I was on holiday a couple of years ago and my friend got so drunk he crapped himself. My other friend found him laid naked on the bed covered in poo and sick. He was asleep at the time so my friend woke him up by shouting "Rick, you've sh*t yourself"!! As he woke up he thought he was being attacked and grabbed hold of my friends arm and head covering him in poo and sick mixture!

The next morning they had to get the cleaners to sort it all out! As you can imagine, they weren't very popualr with staff after that!


Zip.

Originally posted by ZIPPYZ
Kristian, your story was so funny, I laughed so hard I nearly pooed myself!

I was on holiday a couple of years ago and my friend got so drunk he crapped himself. My other friend found him laid naked on the bed covered in poo and sick. He was asleep at the time so my friend woke him up by shouting "Mick, you've sh*t yourself"!! As he woke up he thought he was being attacked and grabbed hold of my friends arm and head covering him in poo and sick mixture!

The next morning they had to get the cleaners to sort it all out! As you can imagine, they weren't very popualr with staff after that!


Zip.

Yeay! I love a good poo story!

Another one that springs to mind was about my uncle; he was getting married in the early sixties, and the morning of the wedding, the best man didn't turn up. Clearly it was the days before land-lines were common place, let alone mobiles, so they had no choice to proceed with the wedding with a hastily replaced best man.

My uncle did not see his friend for about two weeks, and when he did see him, he had his arm in a sling, and facial bruising. It seemed that on the stag night the night before the wedding, they had all had too much to drink. My uncles friend staggerred home, used the loo (in the sit-down sense!) and went to bed. He woke up to find his wife severely beating him; he had forgotten to remove his pants while he was on the loo, and had covered himself, his wife and the whole bed in poo! :gag:

On second thoughts, did I ought to be laughing at a story about domestic violence :huh: I'm sure it's not that part I'm smiling about!

K x

You boys really are disgusting. As soon as anyone mentions bodily functions everyone seems to revert to sniggering schoolchildren.

I'm finding it HILARIOUS!!! Carry on chaps.

Some people have mentioned their farting rhymes..."there she blows"etc, but does anyone else say
"Listen to this, too good to miss, de de..de de.de.de QUACK
Here comes another one just like the other one etc"
Also fart throwing is traditional pasttime in our house - grab a fistful as it comes out and then throw it at nearest partner / child / pet.......

Originally posted by Voise
"Listen to this, too good to miss, de de..de de.de.de QUACK
Here comes another one just like the other one etc"


Ah, but when you get to the "and here comes the third" bit, it really takes a turn for the worse.

Originally posted by feargal
You boys really are disgusting. As soon as anyone mentions bodily functions everyone seems to revert to sniggering schoolchildren.

I'm finding it HILARIOUS!!! Carry on chaps.

Glad we're amusing you! Are you a girl or a boy Fergal? :suspect: :huh:

K x

I'm a girl. And it's well known that girls don't trump.

I've just started reading through this thread in the office and have had to stiffle hoots, gufaws and a severe attack of giggling ............ Kristian & Nick, I'm blaming your recounted events for the majority of the hysteria.

Keep the tales of trump coming!!

I only fart when other people can basque in the oroma...

I'm not selfish, I like to share :)

Originally posted by feargal
I'm a girl. And it's well known that girls don't trump.

I had an aunt that claimed she brought all her gas upwards! :gag: Can you imagine what her breath smelled like? :gag:

K x

my boyf always farts everyday and night including in bed how discusting is that....... still love him tho.he already mentioned that when he gets out of the car he lets one rip...... guessed who he is????

Originally posted by ilaria
my boyf always farts everyday and night including in bed how discusting is that....... still love him tho.he already mentioned that when he gets out of the car he lets one rip...... guessed who he is????

Aah - so Hadron and ilaria are an item? Wonder who ekse around here are?

K x

Well.... Mrs Draggletail is actually 'Longshanks' - but she doesn't post too much so you may not have 'heard of her' Kristian :)

Originally posted by Draggletail
Well.... Mrs Draggletail is actually 'Longshanks' - but she doesn't post too much so you may not have 'heard of her' Kristian :)

You need to visit here Draggletail! S F link (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=32043)

K x

have just spent the last half hour or so laughing with tears rolling down my face at this thread! good on yer Kristian!!!

ps - MsB (I'm a Laydeee) does not ever break wind but should she ever it would be a gentle cloud of lilac smelling lavender...

Originally posted by msbehavin
have just spent the last half hour or so laughing with tears rolling down my face at this thread! good on yer Kristian!!!

ps - MsB (I'm a Laydeee) does not ever break wind but should she ever it would be a gentle cloud of lilac smelling lavender...

You wouldn't have any excess wind, all your hot air comes out of the other end :hihi: :hihi: :hihi: calm down dear it's only a game;)

Originally posted by msbehavin
have just spent the last half hour or so laughing with tears rolling down my face at this thread! good on yer Kristian!!!

ps - MsB (I'm a Laydeee) does not ever break wind but should she ever it would be a gentle cloud of lilac smelling lavender...

I'm pleased I made you laugh hon! But a cloud of lilac smelling lavender? I'm smelling something with regards to this statement, and it ain't lavender! :D

K x

has anyone ever let one rip in a lift or a crowded room ?

Originally posted by craigmason
has anyone ever let one rip in a lift or a crowded room ?

Oh no! That's reminded me of another of my embarrassing tales! I was once in KFC at Middlewood Road, had placed quite a large order, and was waiting for it to be cooked. As I was stood, I felt the need to 'let one go', and you know how sometimes you just KNOW it's going to be a silent one? Anyhoo, there was nobody around, so I let it slip out.

The squeaky-parp noise was quite loud, and it was only at this point that I noticed quite a well-to-do looking woman stood directly behind me. :blush: My mind went into overdrive; how could I cover this up? I immediately began trying to move my trainer-clad foot on the tiled floor to make a similar noise; no good. Oh well, there was no smell, so if I just stood there and pretended nothing had happened, she must think she'd heard something else! Yes, that's it, I'll just stand here!

It was another five or six seconds before the woman behind me coughed pointedly, and took two steps back! I was soooo embarassed. Miraculously, my food order arrived, and I darted out with cheeks burning (both sets!)

K x

I remember a few years ago coming home from town on the bus with the family after we'd been swimming. We were all sitting on the back seat until one of us did an 'sbd' when we all dispersed.

The funny thing was watching as 'it' slowly made 'it's' way to the front of the bus causing other passengers to exchange seats or to fidget uncomfortably. Children (bless them) holding their noses and moving near to doors while adults sat suffering, probably too embarrassed or something.

The thing was though, if only they'd turned around they'd have seen the culprit sitting alone on the back seat still.

these "frat" tales have had me in absolute tucks.

My mother always used to say that "rhyme" about "wherever you be, let your wind go free... "

My father on the other hand, would break wind so loudly, and offensively that even the walls would shake,

he;'s then shake his leg, and say, at the top of his voice,with immense satisfaction..

"Good-arse!"

(oh, the shame!)

my other fart story involves my dog.

when myself and the ex partner got together five years ago, the dog had been used to being allowed to sleep on my bed.

when ex-P stayed over, for the first time, the dog was relegated to his basket, at the foot of the bed.

the dog was not impressed at being unable to sleep in his usual place.

In the night, he expressed his annoyance in the best way he could.

he got up, off his basket...

walked round to my bloke's side of the bed, and broke wind in the most dreadful, smelliest way imaginable.

Bloke was turning fifteen shades of green.

The dog turned round, and got back on his basket.

bloke was convinced that the dog did it deliberately. (i'm inclined to agree... lol!)

PT

People look in disgust at any one 'farting' in public. At least its not as dangerours to other people as SMOKING in public !!!!!

I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I really ought not to....I know I am going to regret posting this, but.......

About 5 years ago, I took J, a handicapped young woman, on a canal boat trip. We were on an outing for people with learning difficulties. J found a nice seat by the window. Soon, the boat was full. Then with a judder, the engine started, and we cast off. Sudden consternation. The engine switched off, and we gently floated back to the mooring.

A powerful odour began to fill the boat. Women were now rushing to and from the loo, shouting out requests for spare knickers, bra, frock, cardigan. The odour worsened. People began moving away from the seats nearest to the loo. Now scissors were being called for, quickly followed by an urgent request for a carrier bag - as someone was being sick.

The odour became unbearable. J and I were now alone on our table. No-one was allowed off the boat, but just about everyone had crammed forward. It turned out that one of the day-trippers had diarrhoea, and had not quite made it to the loo in time. Whilst standing on one leg to remove her soiled garments, the boat lurched as we cast off, and she fell over and literally s**t herself again. She was coated in her own excreta, which was even in her hair (hence the request for scissors - to cut off the offending locks).

The poor woman was helped off the boat, and then we cast off a second time. However, volunteers then set about cleaning up the mess in the loo - by which time the captive passengers, myself included, were screaming for fresh air. Everyone, bar J, had crammed forward to the open hatch, as two more passengers succumbed to the overpowering smell, and began vomiting. As I held a handkerchief over my mouth and nostrils as a make-shift gas mask, J, who had steadfastly refused to relinquish her prized window seat, was observed to open her picnic basket and calmly start munching a pork pie. Arrgghhh!

Did you all know, there are seven different kinds of farts, long uns & short uns wet uns and dry uns squeekers & skrikers & puffs. Which one is your favourite. Or does anyone know of any others.

This is absolutely the best thread on any forum, anywhere! :)

I giggle at anything fart related so this thread has been 30 minutes of schoolboy chuckling!

I have so many stories I could type - let me have a think of the best ones.

Btw Kristian is fart/poo story king!

Originally posted by andywatton
Btw Kristian is fart/poo story king!

Eeeww... will he have to wear a special crown?

Has anyone seen MR METHANE? A few years ago I went to see The Gutter Band at the Dial House and he was the supporting act.

He was a skinny bloke dressed in a super man like outfit who farted to music! He also layed on his back with legs round back of head then put talc on his arse and let rip so you could see a lovely powdery cloud eminating from his crack! at least it was scented. He also set fire to them.

I don't know wether he still performs his ripping act.

He certainly does! He was on Mark Radcliffe's show not long ago, and it was hilarious. Farting on the radio - what is the world coming to?!

Originally posted by feargal
Eeeww... will he have to wear a special crown?

Now that reminds me of a story from when I lived in London and frequented some very dodgy "bars".

Nick, you are a serious challenge to Kristian on this... share the story with the whole class!

Originally posted by feargal
Nick, you are a serious challenge to Kristian on this... share the story with the whole class!

Incitement to overthrow the Queen is still a hanging offence in some parts feargal! :suspect: Nobody takes my crown and gets away with it grrrr!

K x

To cut a long story (fairly) short, we went to the bar previously mentioned (in the rubber shorts story) for the night and a mate of mine met this guy.

We said he looked a bit dogy and our mate should sleep with one eye open incase the guy tries to strangle him in the night or something.

About a week later we saw our mate again and asked him how his "date" went. He said it was ok at first they just got up to the usual stuff, then the guy asked if he wanted to be tied-up, our mate said he would give it a go. So the guy tied him to the bed. Then, to our mates horror he stood over him and s**t on him, while calling him rude names.

We asked our mate why he didn't ask to be untied or tell the guy to stop, but apparantly our mate was so horrified he couldn't speak.

There is more detail but it's near lunchtime, and frankly it's quite vile.

Anyway, the guy had no facilities for washing clothes so our mate had to walk home (at about 3am) covered in poo.

We laughed, for a long time, and coined the phrase "turd tiara" to describe the new practice.

what's the loudest smelliest one you have ever done in public :heyhey:

At approx. 3am this morning I woke myself up with a trump - The impromptu alarm call was startlingly loud.

What bothered me was that in my sleepy state it took a full ten seconds to work out what the noise was until my nose got assaulted by a stench worthy of the pits of hell.

having had a curry take away last night my arse is in turbo mode & by god it's like a blood orange,my other half has kicked me out of bed so now i have to sleep on the sofa,but the pleasure of letting rip is worth it.i must remember to keep the dog locked in the kitchen as i don't fancy waking up with the dogs tongue round my ring :0)

Reply to BAWDYED :- Depends mate where I am. After a hard day ( and living on my own) notthing better that getting in bed, relaxing and letting go of a real long snorter. However, if in company, then iether a squeaky or a little 'puffy' one, trouble is they are the one that really REALLY hum !!!

Originally posted by redrobbo
I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I really ought not to....I know I am going to regret posting this, but.......

About 5 years ago, I took J, a handicapped young woman, on a canal boat trip. We were on an outing for people with learning difficulties. J found a nice seat by the window. Soon, the boat was full. Then with a judder, the engine started, and we cast off. Sudden consternation. The engine switched off, and we gently floated back to the mooring.

A powerful odour began to fill the boat. Women were now rushing to and from the loo, shouting out requests for spare knickers, bra, frock, cardigan. The odour worsened. People began moving away from the seats nearest to the loo. Now scissors were being called for, quickly followed by an urgent request for a carrier bag - as someone was being sick.

The odour became unbearable. J and I were now alone on our table. No-one was allowed off the boat, but just about everyone had crammed forward. It turned out that one of the day-trippers had diarrhoea, and had not quite made it to the loo in time. Whilst standing on one leg to remove her soiled garments, the boat lurched as we cast off, and she fell over and literally s**t herself again. She was coated in her own excreta, which was even in her hair (hence the request for scissors - to cut off the offending locks).

The poor woman was helped off the boat, and then we cast off a second time. However, volunteers then set about cleaning up the mess in the loo - by which time the captive passengers, myself included, were screaming for fresh air. Everyone, bar J, had crammed forward to the open hatch, as two more passengers succumbed to the overpowering smell, and began vomiting. As I held a handkerchief over my mouth and nostrils as a make-shift gas mask, J, who had steadfastly refused to relinquish her prized window seat, was observed to open her picnic basket and calmly start munching a pork pie. Arrgghhh!


HAHAHA,I LOVE IT

Originally posted by redrobbo
I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I really ought not to....I know I am going to regret posting this, but.......

About 5 years ago, I took J, a handicapped young woman, on a canal boat trip. We were on an outing for people with learning difficulties. J found a nice seat by the window. Soon, the boat was full. Then with a judder, the engine started, and we cast off. Sudden consternation. The engine switched off, and we gently floated back to the mooring.

A powerful odour began to fill the boat. Women were now rushing to and from the loo, shouting out requests for spare knickers, bra, frock, cardigan. The odour worsened. People began moving away from the seats nearest to the loo. Now scissors were being called for, quickly followed by an urgent request for a carrier bag - as someone was being sick.

The odour became unbearable. J and I were now alone on our table. No-one was allowed off the boat, but just about everyone had crammed forward. It turned out that one of the day-trippers had diarrhoea, and had not quite made it to the loo in time. Whilst standing on one leg to remove her soiled garments, the boat lurched as we cast off, and she fell over and literally s**t herself again. She was coated in her own excreta, which was even in her hair (hence the request for scissors - to cut off the offending locks).

The poor woman was helped off the boat, and then we cast off a second time. However, volunteers then set about cleaning up the mess in the loo - by which time the captive passengers, myself included, were screaming for fresh air. Everyone, bar J, had crammed forward to the open hatch, as two more passengers succumbed to the overpowering smell, and began vomiting. As I held a handkerchief over my mouth and nostrils as a make-shift gas mask, J, who had steadfastly refused to relinquish her prized window seat, was observed to open her picnic basket and calmly start munching a pork pie. Arrgghhh!

That's a fab story! :clap: :clap: The mental image of someone eating while others are being sick is just too funny!

K x

Originally posted by craigmason
has anyone ever let one rip in a lift or a crowded room ?

My missus is always farting in lifts. I remember her once letting a particularly loud one go in a very crowded lift. She then promptly turning round, hit me on the arm and called me an animal! I knew she was the women for me after that!

I remember being forced to take my mum to Ikea once. After about 2 hours we got to a section with vases. You guessed it, I picked one up and discreetly farted in it... "mum, does this vase smell funny to you?" What a reaction! I was laughing so much I had to go and lie down in the rug section!

Fart humour is without doubt the best. You can never grow bored "egg-cupping" your kids!

Just remembered another farting story (ish). In my second to last job, I managed a friendly, but naughty team! They were lots of fun though. One morning, I rolled into work a bit late, and rather than the expected greetings of 'Afternoon Kristian' and 'Better late than never', they all smiled sweetly, and greeted me politely. I knew something was wrong!

About an hour later, one of the senior managers called by my desk to say hello. As we were chatting, I suddenly let out a rip-roaring fart! The manager I was speaking to looked aghast, while I began to explain that it wasn't me, etc, etc, it happened again. My team members were stifling giggles with tears rolling down their faces. Once the manager had gone, I set about abusing them, wanting to know what was going on. They all claimed total innocence, so I set about checking my desk for any hidden devices, but found nothing.

The same thing happened all morning; every time someone stopped by my desk, a loud trumping noise came from 'me' It was very embarrasing. Eventually, I found a remote controlled fart machine hidden under my chair. I had to threated to stand on it before the owner fesed up!

That afternoon we spent a pleasant half hour in the lift with the machine. We just stood in there, and waited for someone else to get in. After a few seconds, one of us would press the button, fart, and apologise! It was a really good giggle!

K x

last night while in bed the baby(6 months) started crying so me waiting like an idiot for my other half to get out of bed to sort her out,anyway 5 mins passed by & i thought f*!k it,i got up & took the baby downstairs & gave her a bottle then changed her nappy.about 30 mins later i put the baby back to bed then i got in bed then low & behold the baby farts(a good one at that) our lass turns round & gives me a prod on the side of my stomach & says remember the other night when i had to sleep on the sofa,i thought bloody charming she was dead to the world 40/45 mins prior when the baby started crying,she woudn't have believed me if i told her it was the baby who farted :0(

Farting......My mum goes really red when she 'trumps' and when I say "Mum have you just trumped" she'll look at me with her red face and say "no" (rather sheepishly).

When I need to trump I won't do it in public, but at home it just rips!!!

As you may see from a post of mine - I am woken up by an annoying bird at 3.30am every morning - well this morning I was woken up roughly every hour by my partner farting.

They were that loud I swear he has got a megaphone shoved up his arse!

As you can imagine - I am not too happy this morning!

*phhhttttt*
More tea Vicar??
No thanks, it makes me fart?

This thread has had me rolling around laughing.
One of my ex's let one rip at a family Christmas party in front of everyone and just carried on talking. :shocked: My mum keeps saying "thank god you didn't marry him" Why, was he different from all other men? It made a lasting impression!

if my mate of mine breaks wind, (whether a belch or a "frat") we do a routine which goes:-

(Me) "oi! You mucky sod! Stop that!!"

(friend) " Certainly.. Which way did it go?"

lol

PT

OK, how many of you are guilty of duvet ducking to sniff you own miasma in bed??? :headbang: my hand's up!

Originally posted by Don_Kiddick
OK, how many of you are guilty of duvet ducking to sniff you own miasma in bed??? :headbang: my hand's up!

I've done it with someone else's head, but never my own! :D

K x

All my family fart freely in front of one another and take pride in particulary smelly or loud ones! They are rather an uncouth lot though - I myself however never fart ;)

Originally posted by cobaltblue
All my family fart freely in front of one another and take pride in particulary smelly or loud ones! They are rather an uncouth lot though - I myself however never fart ;)

thank goodness...at last a family like my own!!!

:banana:

what has been your worst ever trump you've done in a public place?.......mine was in headingley leeds i cleared a pub full off rugby league fans!

no such thing as a worse trump, There all goodens
________
Prilosec Side Effects (http://www.classactionsettlements.org/lawsuit/prilosec/)

I once had the two of spades which beat Queen of Hearts. That was a marvellous trump that I'll remember for many years to come.

It wasn't me honest but my mate did one in the middle of a crowded pub stood amongst a load of mates and experienced major follow through. Needless to say ther was soon a large empty space around him for the rest of the night with a lovely stain appearing in his trousers!!! :gag:

In church when the preist was reading the gosple, not only that i could not stop laughing and had to leave the church.

Mod: Similar smelling threads merged! ;)

Ah, the Fart Thread's back. Good :D :thumbsup:

Originally posted by Draggletail
Ah, the Fart Thread's back. Good :D :thumbsup:

I was pleased too, but I think I've embarrassed myself enough on this thread without contributing further.... :D

Originally posted by Kristian
I was pleased too, but I think I've embarrassed myself enough on this thread without contributing further.... :D

No new 'windy' tales to relate, Kristian? :D

One evening I was round at a friend's house and she let rip really loud and then headed for the toilet. A few minutes later she yells "get up here and look at this". She sounded amazed by something so I ran up. She comes out of the bathroom holding a white pair of pants. "Look", she said all excited "I've never worn white pants before and I've got a skiddy! Wow!" :gag:

Here's a question. Why do they always smell so much stronger in the bath?

Where ever thy may be in church or chapel...let it rattle...:hihi: :gag:

Better out than in thats what I say

well I've only just discovered this thread, and wow!!! I've not laughed out loud so much in ages. Kristian you're a star!

here's my own little story.
A few years ago I was driving home with my mother in the car. We'd been to the seaside for the day and before we set off back, enjoyed huge portions of Fish and chips with lashings of salt and vinegar on them. mmmm!
Well I'd decided to take a nice country road route back home to Sheffield and completely forgot about my lack of petrol. Every petrol station we passed was closed for the night. There was nothing else for it. We'd have to kip in the car till morning when one opened. No problem. I found a nice safe place, l central locked us in, kept the windows shut just incase of weirdo stalkers and put the car keys in my bag.
aah sleep. Mum nudged me awake about 10 minutes later saying "let me out of the car quick"!!
well I was very sleepy and by the time I realised what was happening it was too late. There was such a loud almighty guffaw that went on and on, interspersed only by my mothers cries of oo, ooh, oh no, oh god, oh no!
yeah she'd had a bit of a reaction to the vinegar I think.
I couldn't find the car keys quick enough to get us out of the car,which was centrally locked, but when I did, I fell out and retched my guts up!
This made my mother laugh so hard she began to fart again!
I was trying to recover with plenty of fresh air when along came a friendly policeman shining a torch at the pair of us. I'd parked in a chuffing village police station car park( well, it was dark)
after so much embarrasment, I didn't think it could get any worse, but mum really did need to clean herself up, so off we trotted with the 'friendly' pc to use the station's...err.... facilities. I stood chatting to the policeman in the reception while my mother was guided in the right direction. It was only mid-conversation I realised the toilet was behind a barn type door way too close for comfort. It was a nightmare for me and the policeman trying to keep a straight face while my mum was inches away trumpeting and pebbledashing for England!!
Very Very Embarrasing:gag: :thumbsup:

ooh and a word of advice about lighting your own......
Do it through your jeans. blowback is a terrible injury:hihi:

MrsPatchy almost blew the cat down the stairs last week by bending down and farting over him. Does anyone have the number for the RSPCA? ;)

I've only once had a fart that I was proud of but that one took the gold....

Many moons ago we went camping near Scarbro'. Four hours on the back of a large motorbike, a day spent walking around eating lots of trashy seaside food and a few lagers followed by a good nights kip in a smallish two man tent. I woke up about eight in the morning, now I hadn't quite reached the stage of being comfortable blowing off in front of my partner but as he was out for the count and snoring like a good un I let rip......It took a second or two to realise the aroma was unusually pungent and probably a couple seconds more before I tried stuffing an entire sleeping bag up my nose but the effect on my soundly sleeping boyfriend.......Kodak!
First he stirred a little in his sleep
Then the nose started twitching
Then the nostrils started flaring
followed by a strange facial contortion
He then sat bolt upright with the loudest 'F***ing'ell'! ever
Then he went from bolt upright to launching himself through two zipped tent flaps in about two nanoseconds flat with me a close nanosecond behind (he won by a nose!)

If anyone was in the Cayton Bay campsite in the summer of '84 who witnessed the strange couple flopping around on the grass in their sleeping bags making odd whooping noises......

mystery solved!

I have never smelt or dealt anything that vile before or since! :twisted: :gag:

And is it true, they only smell so deaf people can enjoy them too.

My brother Nick can fart to order. He even used to count how many trumps he could blow in one minute, the record being something like, I dunno, 40 after he'd eaten an orange.

He was and still is, the World's Loudest Farter.

He stands there pulling one bum-cheek apart and letting rip. He can do loud'uns, long'uns, trembly ones, smelly ones, stuttering ones, wet ones and SBDs (silent but deadlys).

When we lived with our parents my bedroom was in the loft but at the opposite end of the house to the other downstairs bedrooms.

I rose one Sunday morning and was about to descend the stairs when I heard this massive, heavy noise akin to someone moving furniture around. And that's what I thought it was, brother Nick was up with the birds re-arranging his bedroom.

I went downstairs and entered his room, to see him laying in his bed, face down and absolutely laughing his head off.

'That was never a fart?' I enquired and his continuous laughter informed me that it most certainly was.

I once got detention at school for another girl's farts. She was sitting next to me, and she let one go. Alas, it was on one of those hard plastic chairs so it was a real rattler. The teacher was out of the room but he soon ran in when he heard us shrieking. Unable to tell him what had happened this girl was trying to come up with a story when I looked at her and she started laughing, which prompted another fart, even louder. The teacher was disgusted, but this only made her laugh more, and fart more. We both got kept in and the teacher just glared at us for a whole 30 minutes, speechless with rage.

I know the last post here was in May, but i've just read it all in complete fits of laughter and had to put a post up one of my own.
I know some of you out there are dog owners and the wife and myself care for 3.
The oldest dog (a Staffy cross) blats out some belters, looks at his arse in shock, sniffs it and walks off looking like someone else did it, the middle dog (a Jack Russell) lets off some real silent Stinkers and behaves like the Staff, look, sniff, blame someone else. And the youngest dog (another Jack Russell) does'nt seem to fart, i think there must be somthing wrong with him. So the other night I was lying on the sofa, Staff at the far end middle Russell right behind my arse, i let one rip...no effect.. second one was a doozey, the little dog got up and looked at her arse, sniffed and decided it was me :) she looked at me like i'd just kicked her, got off the sofa and lay on the floor at the opposite end of the room :)

But beside that, i think the best place to lay down some chemical warfare is a supermarket. I let one go at a supermarket in a rarther respectable village, the wife's nose twitched and she said "can you smell that", i said "yes i can. Lets move on now that kebab on top of the beer is'nt sitting well"..

************farts****************

I knew i meant to add sommert to my previous post.

Halevan and others have mentioned the old saying, Wherever you may be, always let your wind go free, whether in Church or in Chapel, let it go, with a tremendous rattle.

In a small town called New Mills in Derbyshire (where all my family come from) there is a graveyard with an inscription on a stone that says, "Let wind go free were'er it be, as it was wind that killeth me", at least so my Dad tells me.

So... Good people of the UK, let em rip no matter where you are because it's good for your health. If you hold onto em, you could be another Spontanious Human Combustion story in the Fortean Times :)

I have been in stitches re-reading this through again...mostly because I now know lots of the people who posted on the original thread 'personally' from meets etc

This was my first attempt at starting a post with a poll and after initially thinking I had done pretty well I have now noticed I spelt 'weird' wrong....how come Strix didn't come along and correct me...I then noticed.....dum dum dummmmm....

this must be the only thread with no Strix posts....go on check it out!! Not ONE entry from Strix at all!!! :suspect:

Maybe she is not a fan of farting stories....:hihi:

I'm guessing Strix is from the posh end o' Liverpool!

Originally posted by Shiesh
........I have now noticed I spelt 'weird' wrong....how come Strix didn't come along and correct me...

I've never noticed Strix picking anyone up on a single spelling mistake, Shiesh :)

(or spelling in general, really) :)

It's been a good thread, though, and keeps popping back up to the top :thumbsup:

It was just a personal joke really from this (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28791&perpage=15&highlight=hovvering&pagenumber=2) thread a while back!!

I was just soooo surprised looking back over this thread she has never made a post on it!!

It is quite unusual that a popular thread hasn't received a post from Strix....but there is time yet.....



:hihi:

Yup......I thought she'd make a comeback over the liverpool crack!

She'l never get her post count up if she ignores threads! :o

Originally posted by Shiesh
[B]It was just a personal joke really from this (http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28791&perpage=15&highlight=hovvering&pagenumber=2) thread a while back!!


:D :thumbsup:

Originally posted by hotdogbird
well I've only just discovered this thread, and wow!!! I've not laughed out loud so much in ages. Kristian you're a star!

here's my own little story.
A few years ago I was driving home with my mother in the car. We'd been to the seaside for the day and before we set off back, enjoyed huge portions of Fish and chips with lashings of salt and vinegar on them. mmmm!
Well I'd decided to take a nice country road route back home to Sheffield and completely forgot about my lack of petrol. Every petrol station we passed was closed for the night. There was nothing else for it. We'd have to kip in the car till morning when one opened. No problem. I found a nice safe place, l central locked us in, kept the windows shut just incase of weirdo stalkers and put the car keys in my bag.
aah sleep. Mum nudged me awake about 10 minutes later saying "let me out of the car quick"!!
well I was very sleepy and by the time I realised what was happening it was too late. There was such a loud almighty guffaw that went on and on, interspersed only by my mothers cries of oo, ooh, oh no, oh god, oh no!
yeah she'd had a bit of a reaction to the vinegar I think.
I couldn't find the car keys quick enough to get us out of the car,which was centrally locked, but when I did, I fell out and retched my guts up!
This made my mother laugh so hard she began to fart again!
I was trying to recover with plenty of fresh air when along came a friendly policeman shining a torch at the pair of us. I'd parked in a chuffing village police station car park( well, it was dark)
after so much embarrasment, I didn't think it could get any worse, but mum really did need to clean herself up, so off we trotted with the 'friendly' pc to use the station's...err.... facilities. I stood chatting to the policeman in the reception while my mother was guided in the right direction. It was only mid-conversation I realised the toilet was behind a barn type door way too close for comfort. It was a nightmare for me and the policeman trying to keep a straight face while my mum was inches away trumpeting and pebbledashing for England!!
Very Very Embarrasing:gag: :thumbsup:

Fab story hotdogbird! :thumbsup: I'm sure I got some others to tell at the back of my mind...

K x

Originally posted by Kristian
Fab story hotdogbird! :thumbsup: I'm sure I got some others to tell at the back of my mind...

K x

Ok Kris ...we're waiting!!

:rolleyes:

Yeah,It Is That Serious.

Ther's Nothing More Embarrassing For Me Than When One Of My Customers Comes In,Farts,And Leaves.
Then,While It's Still Lingering,Another Customer Comes In And Thinks It's Me That's Done It.

I Don't Mind Taking The Rap For My Own,But I'm Not Takin' Credit For Other Peoples.
:mad:

Originally posted by Shiesh
It is quite unusual that a popular thread hasn't received a post from Strix....but there is time yet.....
I think it was started before she joined.

Edit: No it wasn't.

Originally posted by Shiesh
Ok Kris ...we're waiting!!

:rolleyes:

< Shuffles off to read through thread to see which ones I already told.... ;)

Originally posted by Splodge_CRB
Yup......I thought she'd make a comeback over the liverpool crack!

She'l never get her post count up if she ignores threads! :o
*cough*

Strix!! Did you just cough to cover up a blippy!? :suspect: ;)

Originally posted by jonsastar
Fartin aint that bad as long as they aint the really stinky ones that make even the owner want to throw up.... ... like Brude does :rolleyes: :gag:

You should see how excitable the (methane burning) candle next to his basket gets sometimes :suspect:

Originally posted by Splodge_CRB
Strix!! Did you just cough to cover up a blippy!? :suspect: ;)
:D No, but Brude's here.... Aren't you glad the internet only transmits data :D

this thread is just sooooo funny, iv literally had tears streaming down my face.

when my neice was potty training, and she did her 1st poo on the pooty, she got up , looked at it so proudly, and her mum was just about to take it away, when she grabbed hold of the potty, hugged it and said , thats mine, we all thought it was funny , but somehow mum wasnt pleased.

Originally posted by Shiesh
this must be the only thread with no Strix posts....go on check it out!! Not ONE entry from Strix at all!!! :suspect:

Actually, I thought it was the one about the council notice on farting, which I began reading but.... well..... yeah....

When I was eight, I had terrific stomach problems. One particular day I was in agony with abdominal cramps, and my Mom called my Dad home early from work to find out what was wrong (he was a Charge Nurse at the time).

My Dad took a look at me and pressed on my right side. The agony was intense. He declared 'Appendiciitis' and phoned the Emergency Doctor. The GP arrived, and examined me. He pressed on my right hand side. I squealed. He pressed harder, I squealed some more. Eventually he pressed really hard and I farted. Really loud.

There was a really embarassed silence as mys Dad realised a) what a fool he had been and b) that I had stopped him watching Coronation Street. :)

I never did get to hear the end of it! :blush:

K x

Originally posted by Freebird
Yeah,It Is That Serious.

Ther's Nothing More Embarrassing For Me Than When One Of My Customers Comes In,Farts,And Leaves.
Then,While It's Still Lingering,Another Customer Comes In And Thinks It's Me That's Done It.

I Don't Mind Taking The Rap For My Own,But I'm Not Takin' Credit For Other Peoples.
:mad:

Yup I'm with you there - that happened to me last Friday at the Woodseats meet - I still don't know how I over came the urge to run around shouting "it wasn't me! It wasn't me it must be the person behind" to the person sat next to me who went bright red, pulled a face & moved away. (I would ask if you'd recognise yourself but I know if you read this thread you will cos the smell was v memorable lolol)

I've just sent links to this thread to a friend. Some great stories on here. Kristian (as ever), Nick2 & Hotdoggal your posts made me cry with laughter :hihi:

One Friday afternoon in my old job there were a couple of us hanging round the office waiting for a few people who were finishing off their stuff - so we could go to the pub.

I was talking to my mate next to a door that led down the stairs. On the side we were on there were quite a few people working away at their desks so it was really quiet apart from my and my mate chatting. I was sat on a table and he walked off through the door.

"paaarp" he farted really loudy and then ducked through the door.

Oh no, i thought. So I ran to the door... but the bugger was holding it at the other side so i couldnt open it. I slowley turned around and EVERYONE in that side of the office was looking at me. :gag:

When stopped holing the door i practically fell through and he was laughing hysterically. Even I had to laugh at that one :D

Originally posted by Siân
Yup I'm with you there - that happened to me last Friday at the Woodseats meet - I still don't know how I over came the urge to run around shouting "it wasn't me! It wasn't me it must be the person behind" to the person sat next to me who went bright red, pulled a face & moved away. (I would ask if you'd recognise yourself but I know if you read this thread you will cos the smell was v memorable lolol)

I've just sent links to this thread to a friend. Some great stories on here. Kristian (as ever), Nick2 & Hotdoggal your posts made me cry with laughter :hihi:

Oh Beggar! It wasn't me was it Sian? The phantom trumper I mean? :hihi:

K x

Originally posted by Kristian
Oh Beggar! It wasn't me was it Sian? The phantom trumper I mean? :hihi:

K x

Not unless you're such an expert that you can sort of 'throw' them - like some sort of 'trump' ventriloquism :hihi:

Originally posted by Siân
Not unless you're such an expert that you can sort of 'throw' them - like some sort of 'trump' ventriloquism :hihi:

Don't rule anything out babes, I am a master you know! ;)

i'm not that bothered really.

It was memorable alright - but it wasn't mine, I hope this isn't a cop out but it was so funny I have to tell it.

The first day at school and it was an assembly to welcome us all back. At the end of assembly we sat there for the teachers to congregate and take each class out. As they stood at the front - it was dead quiet - and then somebody nearby let rip!!

There was a plumpish kid sat on the same row who's face was going bright red as most of the other kids started giggling.

The teachers ignored it and as they were about to start talking -he let rip again! this time the teachers weren't amused and came over asking who it was.

No-one said anything but everyone was holding in their laughter. Just as the first teacher was about to speak again - the fat kid let out an almighty fart for the third time! we thought he's followed through with this one and were in fits of laughter. This time he was caught though! by the teacher stood behind us. He came over and took him outside - we were in absolute stitches for the rest of the day.

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

I have only just potty trained my youngest boy and this incident happened on our recent family holiday to Malta !!

Don't ask me why but has anyone else noticed when abroad the change of climate has an affect on the body in the first few days and they are noticeable changes to the smell, texture and frequency as regards the No2 department???

After 2 days he had still not 'performed' despite plenty of drinks etc etc on the 3rd day we were eating out and our 2 year old was put into a high chair for the duration of the meal!!

During the meal I kept getting a 'wiff' of something but the smell wasn't akin with a 'soiled child' so I put it down to another diner with a flatulance problem or the smell of drains (often experienced on foreign holidays).

At the end of the meal we settled the bill 'leaving a reasonable tip' but as I lifted my young son out of the high chair (in full view of all the other diners) he had suffered the loss of what could only be described as 3 days worth of bowel bulk...YUK It was the most foul smelling, green, gritty, liquidised form of sh*te I had ever come across!! It has seeped from every cuff of his pants....down his legs...up his back....it was smeared up and down the back of the high chair!!

It just continued to ooze out of him!!

The poor young waitress looked horrified as we swiftly turned to her, apologised and requested cleaning cloths...!!

Desperate to see the back of us she said ' it's ok I will sort it!!....:gag:

This should be linked to the farting thread....!!

:thumbsup:

Mod: Threads merged. Thanks for the pointer Shiesh! :thumbsup:

:confused: Kristian the post to be merged with the farting thread has gone ???:o You've just added my link!!

Anyway I am here to add this (http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/The+Poo+and+Wee+Song/) to the thread!!

:thumbsup:

Wherever you maybe let your wind go free,in church or chappel let it rattle-- when you have to fart you have to fart.:heyhey:

Does nobody remember I've Farted by Ivor Biggun and the Rednobs?It was a brilliant song about farting, and for years was my "party piece" when ******.You even got sound effects.He also did I'm A ******

Oh gosh! I was supposed to be switching off the computer and knocking off for the night and I have just discovered this thread! Hilarious!

My first other half and I went strawberry picking once. As we worked along our line of strawberries, we started to notice a distinct country smell. Then, we realised that everytime the bloke on the line ahead of us bent down to pick a strawberry, he was letting one rip! Hubby and I had a hell of a job keeping a straight face after that.

We had a cat too who was a fart spotter. If she detected one in the house, she would go up to each person, sniff round them and when she discovered the culprit, she would first try to bury the evidence (very painful) and if all else failed, she would sit in front of the culprit, doing her impression of a bog brush and snarl at them! I developed very powerful buttock muscles as a result of her!

Originally posted by parcher
Oh gosh! I was supposed to be switching off the computer and knocking off for the night and I have just discovered this thread! Hilarious!

My first other half and I went strawberry picking once. As we worked along our line of strawberries, we started to notice a distinct country smell. Then, we realised that everytime the bloke on the line ahead of us bent down to pick a strawberry, he was letting one rip! Hubby and I had a hell of a job keeping a straight face after that.

We had a cat too who was a fart spotter. If she detected one in the house, she would go up to each person, sniff round them and when she discovered the culprit, she would first try to bury the evidence (very painful) and if all else failed, she would sit in front of the culprit, doing her impression of a bog brush and snarl at them! I developed very powerful buttock muscles as a result of her!

A trump sniffing cat? It's a shame 'That's Life' has ended! :hihi: Can you imagine the look it would have had from Esther Rancid? (sic)

Even funnier would have been having to demonstrate the cats powers in front of a bunch of cameramen and an audience!

I have inadvertently discovered a treasury of fart related wisdom, pages of gems like this :D

Is it possible for a fart to kill you?
" A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you.
However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories

Other greats are:

Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?

How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?

Where do farts go when you hold them in?

Get these and lots more here (http://www.heptune.com/farts.html)

Enjoy :gag: :hihi:

Originally posted by Draggletail
I have inadvertently discovered a treasury of fart related wisdom, pages of gems like this :D



Other greats are:



Get these and lots more here (http://www.heptune.com/farts.html)

Enjoy :gag: :hihi:

What a fab site DT! Me likey already! :D

K x

But there was a case of a portly male found dead in his bed a few years ago. The cause of death was determined as methane poisoning, and he was identified as the only source for said methane :(

Not sure where to start looking for evidence of this absurd tale :suspect:

Originally posted by Kristian
What a fab site DT! Me likey already! :D

K x

Just discovered this one from the same source...
Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use?

Tears streaming down my face with laughter, gotta go get a tissue and blow me nose :hihi: :D:

It's all he sort of stuff you thought about as a kid really :D

:suspect: isn't it? :suspect:

Where I used to work I'd leave for the day in the lift. As the lift reached the ground floor, I'd regularly 'drop one' and then leave ... only for the next poor person to pick up the lift and gag :hihi:

If I have to let one go when i'm in the supermarket. I stand next to someone, drop it, then clear off down another isle and watch the faces of the people passing by the other person!

My cat was asleep on my bed, I let one go and the cat 'meeoowed' loudly and jumped off the bed in search of fresh air....

You're evil, Hels :D :D :D

Originally posted by Strix
But there was a case of a portly male found dead in his bed a few years ago. The cause of death was determined as methane poisoning, and he was identified as the only source for said methane :(

Not sure where to start looking for evidence of this absurd tale :suspect:

This is an urban legend, methane is non toxic (although obviously if you were breathing only methane you'ld die of asphyxiation). I think it's on darwin awards as well.

Farting- it can be a laugh with mates but I find the woman don't find it as funny when i've being brewing a loud one!:hihi: :hihi:

I love a good fart, the louder and smellier the better, as long as its mine. My Ma was an incredible farter, she would sit on a cane bottomed chair and let loose. The windows would rattle and reverberate, they even broke once. The dog had to go to the vet on a number of occasions with olfactory damage.
A good fart clears the sinuses, it means that number two can wait awhile, so you can add on a couple more pints of worthy, the fart makers answer to Bass

Originally posted by Grim
This is an urban legend, methane is non toxic (although obviously if you were breathing only methane you'ld die of asphyxiation). I think it's on darwin awards as well.
Nope. It was on the news for 3 consecutive days :suspect:

Just coz some people have shorter memories than the rest of us :roll:

A WPC lost her breakfast on entering the property :D

My word - a whole site dedicated to farting! Wonderful!

Had a patient in the other day who sat and then let loose - I had a heck of a job keeping a straight face.

Originally posted by Hels
[B]Where I used to work I'd leave for the day in the lift. As the lift reached the ground floor, I'd regularly 'drop one' and then leave ... only for the next poor person to pick up the lift and gag :hihi:

Reminds me of the time I took my brother to Boots in Meadowhall - We used the lift as he was in a wheelchair and he dropped one just as the lift doors opened for the awaiting passengers to board. I didn't know where to look as we got out but he found it hilarious!

Originally posted by Strix
Nope. It was on the news for 3 consecutive days :suspect:

Just coz some people have shorter memories than the rest of us :roll:

A WPC lost her breakfast on entering the property :D

Find me a link, i'd love to read!

Aside from that, read here:
http://www.darwinawards.com/legends/legends1998-12.html

It happened when we lived on peterborough - over five years ago, so if you can find me a source of trivial news items that old, I'll happily search it ;)

Oh dear...... look what I have stumbled upon. Don't know if I dare introduce this device.... not farting exactly..... what the hell, here goes....The turd twister (http://www.turdtwister.com/)
:gag: :hihi:

I don't tend to do it in the presence of people I don't know well, or dont want to put off, like my girlfriend :D But I do it infront of my mates sometimes.

One year when I was on holiday with some mates, we were in this games room at the resort with this girl we knew and for about 2-3 hours, we didn't release any wind while she was there. So, as soon as she left and the door shut, we all started and it was awfull :D lol.

Oops I farted again!!! (http://www.bobrivers.com/asx/TT_709_4.asx)

:D

:D :D :D
Where the hell did you get that from? :D :D :D

I liked the bit about 'The sulphorous gas' :D

Better out than in! Jus bad when they smell of eggs! :hihi:

I've heard that the only reason that farts smell is so that deaf people can appreciate 'em.....

earlier this year i was on an aircraft when i started to doze off only to be woken up by my own loud and smelly fart.The worst thing is i was sat next to complete strangers.

So now they all have the story of the time they were sat next to a sleeping guy on a plane with the smelly arse. You've just made potentially hundreds of people giggle as the story spreads.....kinda like the fart probably did through the cabin. ;)

I sneezed at my boyfriends yesterday and a little one came out by accident :hihi: I laughed for about an hour with embarrasment


EDIT - hope he doesnt read this cos I said is was squeeky floorboards!

With three dogs in the house, no one notices where the smell comes from. Striking a match always clears the air, but you have to know which of the little beasts you have to stand clear of.

I fart - everybody farts but I fart in front of close friends and all my immediate family!!

However.....my husband does not!!

We had our first major argument in our courting days bcoz he found out I farted in front of an ex-boyfriend but to date had not farted in front of him.....Bizarre!! Now I do all the time (we are married) but he (and his family) still do it behind the bathroom door!!

I find it peculiar...I told him tonight his family are wierd not mine..but with no other family to compare against....are we (my family) really that strange!!!!

I have standards in the workplace etc but at home I just let it OUT!!!

What dya think???


There was a young fella named Carter, who was the Worlds most famous farter.
He could fart anything, from God Save The King, to Beethoven's famous sonata !!!:loopy: :rant: :hihi: :love: :D

To fart to fart
It is no crime,
It gives the bowels ease.
It warms the bed
On a frosty night
And suffocates the fleas.

To fart to fart
It is no crime,
It gives the bowels ease.
It warms the bed
On a frosty night
And suffocates the fleas.

To fart to fart
It is no crime,
It gives the bowels ease.
It warms the bed on a frosty night
And suffocates the fleas.

I fart - everybody farts but I fart in front of close friends and all my immediate family!!

However.....my husband does not!!

We had our first major argument in our courting days bcoz he found out I farted in front of an ex-boyfriend but to date had not farted in front of him.....Bizarre!! Now I do all the time (we are married) but he (and his family) still do it behind the bathroom door!!

I find it peculiar...I told him tonight his family are wierd not mine..but with no other family to compare against....are we (my family) really that strange!!!!

I have standards in the workplace etc but at home I just let it OUT!!!

What dya think???



Well I say, this thread is an utter disgrace, why is it not removed ???

No seriously, fartings OK, as long as you don't accidently poo yourself by accident when doing one in public

...and it's worldwide, of course.
The (in)famous BBC Radio 4 news announcement of a few years ago that "The Turds are gathering on the Kurkish border...."

Do you frown upon people, mainly strangers guffing in public, or do you take no notice of this natural bodily function? If your with your loved one, do you hold it in or are you `relaxed` enough to let out a little tommy squeaker? Do you enjoy farting on you own and take pride in the catastrphic effects upon the nasal passages of friends and family?

NB. Women need not reply. They dont trump because its un-lady like.

Regards

just let it rip!!!!

btw funny fart scene in a movie Blazing Saddles, watch the campfire scene with subtitles on i did once on bbc dont know if its the same on the dvd but to see ffffrrrrrrpppppppt on screen made me chuckle

I hate it when others "drop a gassy" in my presence. On the other hand, I love to "Expell the ghosts of long dead beans" in the presence of others.

Trouble is, the older I get, the more theres a chance of me following through.
Once you pass 40, never trust a fart.

I always fart, I find it amusing, if there's one there, I'll squeeze it out. I stunk my fella's office out today :)

I get it from my dad, and not at all ashamed :)

Yeah as for women farting, you ought to ask my other half. She tries hard to hold em in but once shes asleep she cant stop herself and shes always dropping a clanger.
Some nights its like sharing a bed with the brighouse and rastrick brass band.

We got told off at work 'cause someone had complained about farting. We've been told if you need to, go to the loo!

Made us all laugh.

You might want to read another thread already around on the same topic

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=30782

Heres another one, started by a certain hunk.

http://72.232.82.122/showthread.php?t=135152&highlight=fart

Heres another one, started by a certain hunk.

http://72.232.82.122/showthread.php?t=135152&highlight=fart


Wondered who the hunk was .:huh: I looked up the thread and its the great fartmaster himself. :D

I dont fart, I glow.

Like an atomic explosion at times...

I enjoy guffing in my hand, clasping it shut, then throw it in a friends face. Superb!

I enjoy guffing in my hand, clasping it shut, then throw it in a friends face. Superb!

Haha!!! That actually works! :blush: I tried on myself once :blush:

Even pumping in a jam jar, screw the lid back on, leave it for a week and then release under the nose of an unsuspecting victim. Simply horrific.

Even pumping in a jam jar, screw the lid back on, leave it for a week and then release under the nose of an unsuspecting victim. Simply horrific.
Thats the vilest, most disgusting thing Ive ever heared.

Im gonna try it though :D

This is quite amusing....... Farting Nun Organ (http://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/games/farting-nun.html), have fun. :D

Thats the vilest, most disgusting thing Ive ever heared.

Im gonna try it though :D

You'll get a stronger concentration if you try that in the bath, submerge the jar in water, trump and catch the smelly little blighter in the jar. Turn the jar upside down and you then have a trump preserved in a watertight seal :D

My favorite farting tale comes from the glorious summer just past when me and our lass were sleeping with the skylight open, the fan on full bore and us on top of the bed as it was so hot! One night my guts had been emanating smells that bore more relation to a rotting cess pool than to a normal fart, I'd been stifling them most of the night and occassionally leaving to release it in the bathroom .... eventually I got up to go to work at about 05.30.

I tottered from the bed to just in front of the fan and reached down to get my dressing gown from the floor when a supressed fart could bear the pressure no longer and broke free. As I was in front of the fan it was propelled across the room into the unwitting nostrils of my beloved who immediately began heaving and coughing.

I would love to say I apologised profusely and begged her forgiveness. Instead I stood there cackling maniacly :hihi:

This is quite amusing....... Farting Nun Organ (http://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/games/farting-nun.html), have fun. :D
Do you mind if I link to this post on the blasphemy thread?

Only kidding, hohoho!

You'll get a stronger concentration if you try that in the bath, submerge the jar in water, trump and catch the smelly little blighter in the jar. Turn the jar upside down and you then have a trump preserved in a watertight seal :D

My favorite farting tale comes from the glorious summer just past when me and our lass were sleeping with the skylight open, the fan on full bore and us on top of the bed as it was so hot! One night my guts had been emanating smells that bore more relation to a rotting cess pool than to a normal fart, I'd been stifling them most of the night and occassionally leaving to release it in the bathroom .... eventually I got up to go to work at about 05.30.

I tottered from the bed to just in front of the fan and reached down to get my dressing gown from the floor when a supressed fart could bear the pressure no longer and broke free. As I was in front of the fan it was propelled across the room into the unwitting nostrils of my beloved who immediately began heaving and coughing.

I would love to say I apologised profusely and begged her forgiveness. Instead I stood there cackling maniacly :hihi:

You have a very special talent their Swan Vesta, I really dont think you should be begging her for forgiveness, If she had anything about her she should be encouraging you to use your skills to their fullest potential.

You have a very special talent their Swan Vesta, I really dont think you should be begging her for forgiveness, If she had anything about her she should be encouraging you to use your skills to their fullest potential.

No special talent, just the happy coincidence of vile guts and a pedestal fan :D

I think that at the time the only purpose she could have put me to would have been to gas badgers or to hook me up to Drax as a renewable energy source!

I do not like people farting in front of my wife.............................................. ................... they should wait their turn:hihi:

] to hook me up to Drax as a renewable energy source!

Recycling is a necessity these days with all the global warming or are the singular reason for global warming?

Do you mind if I link to this post on the blasphemy thread?

Only kidding, hohoho!

Banjo Griner as this is nun offending joke you can do what you like with it, or i can make some suggestions if you want !!! ;)
:hihi: :hihi:

Does nobody remember I've Farted by Ivor Biggun and the Rednobs?It was a brilliant song about farting, and for years was my "party piece" when ******.You even got sound effects.He also did I'm A ******



Yes, I remember it!!! We had it on an LP - it goes something like this:

I've farted, I've farted, I've done a trouser cough,
I've whistled in my Y-fronts, I've just peeled one off!
I've blown my bloody brains out, I've been eating cheese,
I've broken wind, I've dropped my guts -
OPEN THE WINDOW PLEASE!!!

I really must say that this thread is fantastic!! Never laughed so much in ages!

Thank you to all who have contributed!!!

Glad to see this thread has raised it's wonderful head again....:blush:

This is an old farting joke but still makes me laugh!!!

Farting Joke (http://www.savefile.com/files/256951)

:hihi:

You'll get a stronger concentration if you try that in the bath, submerge the jar in water, trump and catch the smelly little blighter in the jar. Turn the jar upside down and you then have a trump preserved in a watertight seal :D

My favorite farting tale comes from the glorious summer just past when me and our lass were sleeping with the skylight open, the fan on full bore and us on top of the bed as it was so hot! One night my guts had been emanating smells that bore more relation to a rotting cess pool than to a normal fart, I'd been stifling them most of the night and occassionally leaving to release it in the bathroom .... eventually I got up to go to work at about 05.30.

I tottered from the bed to just in front of the fan and reached down to get my dressing gown from the floor when a supressed fart could bear the pressure no longer and broke free. As I was in front of the fan it was propelled across the room into the unwitting nostrils of my beloved who immediately began heaving and coughing.

I would love to say I apologised profusely and begged her forgiveness. Instead I stood there cackling maniacly :hihi:

Classic mate, absolutely bloody classic. :gag: :gag: :gag:

Mother used to religiously eat AllBran for brekkie and its effects could be heard doors away.. well downstairs and next room along from the bathroom when she'd trump whilst applying morning makeup or whatever :o Paaaaaaarppp!

I trumped a SBD once when the cat was on my knee - she woke up suddenly from her peaceful snooze and jumped straight down onto the floor looking confused :P

Partner's intestines undergo some kind of rancid decay when digesting curry and its truly the worst thing I've ever had the misfortune to try and keep out of my nostrils... choking eyewatering torture.. and he tries to convince me that 'farting is natural, completely normal!" Well, yes it is - but not like that! Your insides are ill - you need a trip to the doctor! :gag:

i once timed a fart of my mother's

i happened to glance at the clock when she started it - we weren't all ready with a stopwatch an' all!!!

25 seconds

jeeeeeeez ...

25 seconds
:o You lie! :suspect:

:hihi:

Does nobody remember I've Farted by Ivor Biggun and the Rednobs?It was a brilliant song about farting, and for years was my "party piece" when ******.You even got sound effects.He also did I'm A ******

it was Ivor Biggun and the RED NOSED BURGLARS otherwise known as doc Cox from "That's Life"

:o You lie! :suspect:

:hihi:

i don't

at least not about this, anyhoo

farts are serious business, you know

Here's my story: I farted, it stank, children wept.

Yesterday i had jacket potato half a tin of baked beans with a spinach and garlic pesto sauce.
Followed by four pints of lager.....The Result. (http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k265/SteveSheff/POOO.jpg) :hihi: :hihi:

How come when folk fart they dont mind the smell.When anyone else does it its rank and gross.:hihi: :hihi:

I have just discovered this thread and its the best!!!

Spent the last half an hour diving under the desk everytime someone walks past the door because I'm crying with laughter!!

I say better out than in, and so does the mester, but he accuses me of being dirty if I do one!!!

My friend and his dog came over this afternoon, and the air was thick with apple tarts.
So obviously due to our contribution to damaging the ozone layer, we will have to remain anonynous (http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k265/SteveSheff/stumegas.jpg).
Sorry but pippo had to opt out of this one, due to a shortage of gas masks. :D

If you like the disgusting things in life such as farting etc, have a look at the thread I have started, 'Who was the most disgusting kid at your school?'
I'm sure you good people of a similiar sense of humor will be able to add some good ones.