Well I can't say I found it easy but here's my attempt at the February theme.


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All comments welcome!

I think you did a good job with it, very subtle .The main story flowed very well. From a personal point and it's not a criticism, i find dramatised words a bit overpowering and put me of from reading the piece.( I did read it all though )

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

I liked your style of writing. Very interesting story.

Hi sauerkraut,

I liked the way you structured the story, and the 'neighbouring tables' tactic was a nice one.

A few minor qualms: I had to re-read the first para a few times, and I think it's because you've overused the infinitive. Some very minor changes and I think it reads easier:

'A lengthy pause followed this remark. Caroline used the time to stir another spoonful of sugar into her coffee. But she remained alert to the others’ reactions, and quietly suppressed a small smile of triumph when Geoff, who had been about to take a sip of his own coffee, return the cup untasted to the saucer. His hand wobbled slightly so that a few drops spilt on the tablecloth.'

(I've removed 'serenely' there - is it vital?)

I'm not sure if it's immediately obvious that Caroline made the remark, either, but perhaps that doesn't matter. You use 'triumphant' for Caroline's smile twice - I'd try and find a different word.

After the paragraph describing Louisa's interjection, perhaps it might dramatise the interruption better if you made it clear that Caroline had been interrupted (or rather, that the reader has been listening to Louisa rather than the ongoing speech from Caroline) through punctuation: '....and that just leaves us with the question of the stamp collection.'

You've written 'for the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas'. Is 'a hearing' a deliberate reference to 'hearing' in the legal sense? If not, you need to get rid of the 'a' - but I quite like it as it stands.

I think you need to maintain the question marks in the two sentences that follow 'Well, why not?' And - a small technical point - if Caroline, the youngest, is in her forties, is it likely that their dad is really in the 'middle of life'? He must be in his sixities at least - younger than they might have wanted, but not middle aged, quite...

The twist (Louisa knowing about the will) would have a lot more impact, I think, if the 'haggling and bargaining' had been about bigger things. Although you do mention the value of the silver service and the toby jugs, if it was a really big estate they were arguing over I tend to think that those kind of items would fall under 'token bequests'. But that's up to you of course :)

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it - I hope you don't think I've been too critical!

Jess

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect. :)

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect. :)

Agreed - I think the structure was very accomplished.

I particularly liked it when Sally knocked over her glass of wine and Mark 'gazed across the table at Sally with a new respect.'

This is subplot working really well - it tells us that not only has Sally been listening in (and sharing the reader's outrage at Caroline) but that Mark is prepared to put up with 'a scene' (compare and contrast with Louisa's self-restraint) from his girlfriend in aid of a good cause - boding well for their future!

We can imagine the looks that Mark and Sally share while listening, and we feel complicit in Sally's 'accident'. It worked really well.

Thank you very much, everyone. I’m glad you liked it.

And thank you for your constructive criticism, Jessica. I agree that your first para works better. The repetition of triumph was deliberate: i.e. she suppresses her triumph then allows it to surface – does that not work very well, then? I’m a bit hard put to find another word. There’s nothing in the thesaurus I like! Exultant, maybe?

I accept your remarks on punctuation as well, thank you.

Yes, “a hearing” was meant to be an allusion to the legal sense. Well spotted!

The being taken in the middle of life was meant to refer to dying suddenly, whilst going about his daily business, rather than to middle age. Would “in the midst of life” work better?

As for haggling over the inheritance, the idea is that Mark and Sally have only overheard the last hour of the discussions. Who knows what major issues have gone before! Perhaps I haven’t conveyed well enough how long the family have been sitting in the restaurant. I wondered this when I read back that the waiter says they’ve just ordered coffee. It makes it sound like they’ve only gone to the restaurant for coffee. Perhaps it would be enough if I change that to “had just ordered their after-dinner coffee [and couldn’t possibly be occupying their table for so very much longer].” Or something along those lines.

I shall give it some thought.

Thanks again

Very interesting story.

There's a kernel of truth in it actually! I once spent a miserable evening at a restaurant next to a table full of people just like the characters in my story, who were having a very similar conversation.

But there wasn't a proposal for me at the end to redeem the situation :D

Excellent and enjoyable story. The switching of viewpoints worked well. Caroline is a particularly memorable character, you really get the idea of her manipulative nature through what she says.

Was not as convinced by the subplot, but that is perhaps due to how much less those characters were heard. Also, sometimes the subplot and main plot were not as distinct as I would have liked, for example,
A fault with the espresso machine had delayed the order, then bickering had taken priority over drinking, and for the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas.

Here, having only just switched to the other couple we again switch to the family and I lost the thread, so maybe the following would be better,
For the greater part of an hour Mark and Sally had been subjected to a hearing of the other table’s family dramas. A fault with the espresso machine had delayed the order, and when it turned up the coffee was left to cool as bickering had taken priority.

Good stuff tho', cheers.

Thank you for the comments (and for reading!)

Sorry if I'm being a bit dense here but what do you mean by dramatised words? Can you give me an example? Ta.

Words like 'serenely', just seemed a bit dramatic .:)

Hi Sauerkraut,

Well, there is some excellent feedback for your story on this thread, particularly from Jessica23, with whom I agree that the beginning of the story needs a bit of re-work, I had to read the story twice to figure out what the relationship was between the three family members (plus the two grandchildren who were mentioned.)

I’ll just list my initial observations.

Setting – It isn’t until the end of the 4th paragraph (… as he caught the eye of the hovering waiter.) that the reader is informed they are in a restaurant, until then it could have someone’s kitchen or a tea shop.

Louisa was introduced too late (at the top of page two). She has the final word in this story, for the sake of the stories symmetry I believe she should also have the first word. I do appreciate that her character is one that is overlooked by her siblings; perhaps her first sentence can be rudely interrupted by Caroline to demonstrate her lowly standing with her brother & sister.

Characterisation I think you did a pretty good job of portraying the characters foibles, this sentence struck me as rather good:

“At this point Louisa, hunched in her chair, could not help interjecting: “We haven’t even buried him yet,” but she spoke in a voice low enough to be treated as little more than a fleeting irritation, quickly flapped aside by Caroline’s richly jewelled fingers.”

However, I think Geoff needed a little more work. Interestingly, because of his clumsiness and their old fashioned use of the word “pops” I just assumed that they were in their sixties and was surprised when their real ages were mentioned.

Subplot you handled it really well, with three feeds into the main story consisting of the introduction of the other couple and their irritation, Sally’s intervention to spare Louisa's feelings and Louisa’s comment to them at the end. Nicely done, a light, subtle touch was just what the story needed.

Ending Nothing wrong with the one you’ve got; however I think Coyleys idea of the father leaving everything to the local cats home is a cracker and it would have added a comically ironic twist to the end of the tale.

Structure The story structure flowed surprisingly well, I wasn’t too keen of the small amount of dialogue followed by a large chunk of descriptive text that informed the reader what was happening both in the restaurant and the protagonists minds, but it worked. I would have preferred a larger section of the story to have been told by their bickering dialogue, so the reader “overhears” the story, just like the other couple.

For instance, these lines:

“Well, why not? Why not just concede everything, let her grasping little sister claim what she wanted and they could all get out of there. Pops was dead, wasn’t he. Struck down so suddenly and unexpectedly by that massive heart attack. Death had seized him in the middle of life and nothing would bring him back. What good would a stamp collection be to her? Perhaps a few memories of the days they had spent together, arranging and re-arranging, plotting the next acquisition. But the memories would remain, with or without the albums. So what if they were worth a fortune. Louisa had no children of her own to pass them down to – never would have – and that was no doubt the next point the inexorable Caroline would bring up.

She was right.

“It’s not as if the collection would even remain in the family, is it?” Caroline was saying. “I mean, Geoff has Josephine and I have Elizabeth, but you – well – you’ll never have the chance to enjoy looking at those albums with anyone, will you.”

Could have been summed up in the dialogue something like this:

“He loved that stamp collection” said Louisa “We’d spend hours on a Sunday afternoons just re-arranging it, or planning our next acquisition…it gave him so much pleasure.”

“Yes, fascinating” said Caroline, stifling a bored yawn, “Presumably his heart attack was brought on all the excitement. Anyway, I think the grandchildren should have the stamp albums, what do you think, Geoff?”

That condensed things down a little, but the meaning is still there.

As I said earlier I think the beginning of the story needs some attention, so taking into account the points I’ve already outlined above, here is my take on an alternative start to the story.

The waiter smiled embarrassingly at the young couple as another outburst from the next table reached their ears. The occupants of the table were all middle aged and dressed in black, the two women outnumbered the solitary man who was fretting over some coffee that he knocked over whilst gesticulating at the bejewelled woman opposite.

By contrast the other woman had on a simple diamond broach shaped like a cat, she fiddled with it nervously as the exchanges between her brother and sister got louder. Finally, she had to raise her hands between them, reverting to her usual role of peacemaker, catching the waiters look she immediately felt sorry for the young couple.

“Caroline, Geoff…” she implored quietly “Please keep your voices down, there are other people trying to eat.”

“Keep your nose out, Louisa” hissed Geoff. “I’m just thinking of the grandchildren, that’s all -Josephine and Elizabeth are entitled to some of Pop’s estate, it’s only fair.” It was obvious to his sisters that fairness was the last thing on his mind, it was every man for himself.

Caroline stared at her brother, her unwavering gaze reminded Louisa of a cobra about to strike. “Well I still think it would be fairer for Elizabeth to have the Toby jugs.”
A lengthy pause followed this remark…. >>> etc.

And bang! you’ve got the setting, the main characters, their relationships, the reason why they are there and a bit of characterisation condensed down to the first half page, after that it's up to you to build the story from there.

And as Coyleys said, the money should go to the cats home :hihi:

I am amazed at the work put into the Sheffield Writers Group by Mantaspook.:)

I am amazed at the work put into the Sheffield Writers Group by Mantaspook.:)

Didn't I post similarly a week or so ago, pattricia?.....

Mant's a truly "bonzer" (colloquial Aussie phrase) Writing Group Leader? ;)

The best person for the job! :)

As Frank Carson would have said, "He's a cracker!"

;););) Cheers Mant's! :thumbsup:

Well I thought it was excellent, it had a nice and easy flow to it; I was expecting a big crunch at the end, like he had left everything to the local cat’s home, but that ending was just perfect. :)

Or if we wanted to inject a bit of levity into the plot, we could make the siblings more arrogant, snobbish and money-grabbing.

Caroline gazed down her nose at the young couple sat opposite, and then in an aristocratic tone “I really don’t know what this restaurant is coming to, that young couple have just arrived by public transport “

“Oh really” replied Geoff in a manner the caricature of Kenneth Williams.

Then the proverbial really does hit the fan when they all find out all the money has been left to the local doss house or Joe Blogs’ the local tramp.
But I still think my original opinion was correct “that ending was just perfect”
Nice one Sauerkraut.:thumbsup:

Plenty of food for thought there! Thanks, everyone.

Watch this space for the re-worked version. But it may take a while. I have two kids' birthday parties to organise... :(

Hi sauerkraut,

I enjoyed that story. I really like Mant's idea of introducing Louisa earlier to provide some symmetry. A little condescension towards her at the start would have got us on her side and made the ending all the more satisfying.

Also, and this is just a personal preference, I would like for pops to have "kicked the bucket" in a more imaginative way - perhaps run over by a motorised wheelchair as I recently read in the news or maybe he was in a motorised wheelchair and vanished down a big hole in the ground. The point being not that it has to involve a motorised wheelchair but that it is a little unusual and makes me chuckle. But like I say it probably just reflects my preference for slapstick and others might argue that it's not crucial to the plot. Nevertheless, see if you can slip it into your re-worked version and then you will almost certainly get my vote in this month's competition.

Well done. I really enjoyed reading this story and I felt that it flowed nicely. I did find a couple of the sentences a little difficult to follow in places.

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A lengthy pause followed this remark and Caroline used the time to serenely stir another spoonful of sugar into her coffee. But she remained alert to the others’ reactions, and quietly suppressed a small smile of triumph to see Geoff, who had been about to take a sip of his own coffee, return the cup untasted to the saucer. His hand wobbled slightly so that a few drops spilt on the tablecloth. He should have waited a moment longer before answering her because his voice still betrayed some of his emotion as he murmured:

--------------------------------------------

There was a distinct pause following on from the remark. Caroline took advantage of the time to stir another spoon of sugar into her coffee. As she stirred she kept her attention focused. A small smile of satisfaction appeared on her lips as Geoff, who was about to take a sip of his own coffee, returned the cup, untasted, to his saucer.

I have tried to reduce the size of the sentences in my example above and try to get the point accross without as many words. Obviously everyone has their own distinct style, so mine is inly an example to give an idea of my point.

Very good though, keep up the good work matey. :)

Thanks for that, MW. One of my worst writing faults is that I can be far too "wordy" and I'm a bit over-fond of long sentences! That's one of the reasons why I've praised your writing on here - because it gets straight to the point!

Your improvements made me smile. They reminded me of a long-ago time when my husband and I were both students and we used to have to swap essays. I would expand his concisely argued German Lit essays so they reached the minimum word limit. He would severely edit my rambling International Law essays to get them down to the maximum word limit. In fact we'd probably both have done much better if we'd simply swapped courses but we didn't think of that at the time :).

There's a kernel of truth in it actually! I once spent a miserable evening at a restaurant next to a table full of people just like the characters in my story, who were having a very similar conversation.

But there wasn't a proposal for me at the end to redeem the situation :D

I have just re-read it sauerkraut, and its still good. Well done.:)

That was a great story Sauerkraut. You really left my miserable literary offerings in the dust.

Looks like I will have to turn in my badge and go back to collecting hub caps and beer cans.

Regards

Looks like I will have to turn in my badge and go back to collecting hub caps and beer cans.


I enjoyed it too but don't despair Falls. I was hoping that you also had a short story up your sleeve. Admittedly the sub-plot theme is a tough one and far too tricky for me to attempt as a first effort so I am taking some time to "get my eye in" by reading other people's at this stage. Of course this tactic relies heavily on other people doing the business on the writing front so I hope you will kindly do the honours and have a crack at it.

Am I right in thinking that as a member of the writers group I now form part of the electorate and get to vote at the end of each month? Well it seems sauerkraut is the front-runner at the moment, being the only valid entrant, and although it will be tough to beat I hope others will make a fight of it. I enjoyed MW's story too but sadly it was disqualified for not including a sub-plot. Of course MW claims that he never intended for it to have a sub-plot (and I believe him) and that it is merely a warm-up for his Creme-De-Month: the eagerly awaited "A Spark of Genius".

So I hope these encouraging words will cause you to re-think. And remember Falls, it is not the winning but the taking part that counts (except in my case - but I promise to have a go next month, unless the theme is "sub-plots" again).

Best of luck.

Am I right in thinking that as a member of the writers group I now form part of the electorate and get to vote at the end of each month?

Hi Ron,

That’s the formula we have used in the past, however, for this month only, we’re having a change, Redrobbo & myself will be judges this month, our stories are ineligible for the competition, however ANY story or poem, whether it encapsulates the monthly theme or not, is eligible for the competition, all you have to do is upload it between February 1st and the 29th .

Also, the person that posts the most informative critique this month will win a prize too.

Well, I have listened and learned (I hope) and here is a revised version of my Feb contribution. Anyone who has time to have another look is welcome to tell me their thoughts :).

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I thought that was a better read for me personaly :thumbsup:

I liked it too, the beginning flows better and is a lot more informative, also the extra work on Geoff’s character gives him equal billing with Caroline for ‘most ‘orrible offspring’

The petty argument over the Penny Black also gave the reader an insight into the little darling granddaughters they had raised; thank goodness that Pops had seen through them all and was leaving it all to charity!

A very nice story, I was a little disappointed that Louisa didn’t get a bigger reward than her siblings; it would have been nice if Pops had left her something nice to recognise her devotion to him, just one stamp maybe?

“Louisa had been left a ‘Fourpenny Blue’ – according to Pops' edition of Stanley Gibbons, it was one of only two left in existence, and if Louisa chose to auction it, she would be a very rich lady indeed…”

I see. Thank you Mantaspook. I don't suppose I could ask you a favour and have a quick peek at the poems I uploaded. Perhaps I am being sensitive - but having no comments indicates to me that perhaps people do not know where to start in terms of suggesting improvements. I'm also conscious that the second one might seem a little macabre - but these things do happen you know (remember Little Mo in Eastenders?). Quite open to blunt criticism as I learn from it, but in any case do not worry if you do not have time I will learn (albeit more slowly) by reading the other work and comments on this forum.

No problem Ron, I'm just installing some new software at the moment, I'll have a look at your poems and leave some feedback later on tonight.

I enjoyed reading this very much and found the scene in the restaurant and the 'who's getting what' thing gave plenty of opportunity for subplot and tension. The table next door also was a great way of bringing the reader into the story as we've all been in those eavesdropping situation. I think the characters came to life more in the dialogue and I would have liked there to be more in the story. However the monologue was great and to add dialogue would have lengthened the story considerably. You just can't win somtimes. Great story thanks. p.s. My favorite character in the whole thing was Pops. Its funny how I was left knowing, or feeling more empathy with the only person in the story who wasn't actualy alive.