Here is another piece of work I did. This is another short story I did as part of my course. It was my attempt at romance, something I am not very familiar with writing.

A flight of eagles. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1201895411.pdf)

Apart from the typos “again” that was simply excellent. :thumbsup:

Apart from the typos “again” that was simply excellent. :thumbsup:

Thank you.

Typos are my downfall. If I could just improve my grammar and stop the typos. DOH!:gag:

Your welcome MW.
We don’t usually go on about typos in the group, because it is something we have all been guilty of from time to time, and no more so than I, says Mr. Typo himself, but just this once I will make an exception.
In your case I don’t think it’s the grammar but the silly little things like “love at first site” unless it’s some pun I am missing. We know that spellcheckers’ are not perfect; they recognise a word and check the spelling but it could be the wrong word, example; “the friends and family gathered around the grave and were all in moaning” that one I actually wrote in a story and when I gave it a friend to proof read he fell about laughing and said I could just imagine the friend “I’ll never get that fiver he owes me now” or the wife “I don’t suppose I’ll get that kitchen door fix now” I think you get the point.
It’s not important in a post or a reply; we tend to rush these, but in a story or poem submitted its best to be as pedantic as possible.
So get yourself a proof reader, friend or family.
That’s it, I promise not to say another word on the subject.
Keep up the good work MW. :thumbsup:

Please feel free to go on as much as you like mate. I need to stop making those kinds of errors and the more I get prodded about them, the more likely I will get into the habit of NOT making them. :)

I once depended on a spellcheck on a book blurb I had written, and sent it to the printers. Luckily they spotted that Mother Teresa (sp?) had NOT won the "Nobel Peach Prize" and sent it back for correction. Ooops.

What a lovely story. (MWhateley's I mean, though PL's is amusing too of course!!)

I confess that brought tears to my eyes. It seems to me you have quite a distinctive writing style - deceptively plain and straightforward, so that an ending like the one in that story hits home all the harder.

In fact I've just realised your writing reminds me a bit of Lord Denning! I used to have to read lots of court cases many years ago and Lord Denning's judgements were a breath of fresh air. Short, plain sentences that cut straight to the heart of the matter and made something clear that everyone else needed to go round and round in circles to explain :).

I don't really think I'm in much of a postion to offer any suggestions for improvement - apart from the typos, but you know about those. I suppose if pushed I could say I was a little uncomfortable with the description of the protagonist's reaction when he first saw Rosa (perhaps the swelling chest has unfortunate connotations???). And maybe the tale of the sad childhood comes just a little suddenly. If suddenness wasn't really your intention, you could possibly have prepared the ground a little more, e.g. with hints of an occasional air of sadness or thoughtfulness that overcomes Rosa when she thinks she's unobserved.

But those are very minor details.

:thumbsup:

Dont worry about spelling mistakes when first writing. Let the imagination flow first. Im good at spelling, but terrible at story writing.

What a great story!

I enjoyed the way the narrative alternated between the technical bits to do with flying and the pilot's memories of Rosa. This helped the history of Rosa unfold as the story developed, as it contrasted the past with the present.

The dropping of roses (a nice touch to the story given her name) took me by surprise, and was a fitting end to a beautifully crafted love story.

Now you need to tweak the typos. These can become irritants to the flow of a good story. You do need a proof reader (I'll PM you my email address if you want my services - let me know) and can I recommend "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" as a primer on the use of apostrophes.

This was an impressive short story. You should feel proud. Well done!

Thanks Red Robbo for that. I will look out for Eats, shoots and leaves. Typos have been the bane of my writing life. Something I am now trying to address. I have three novels, so far, I am wanting to write, when I finally get the time, and I dont want those to be full of typos.

A very nice story, told in a very straightforward manner. Have you been up in a microlight, MWhateley? - I thought the flying sequences had an air of authenticity about them and were well written.

The ‘third person’ perspective worked really well when you were talking about the flight, the reader gets a sense of the numb grief he must still be experiencing, he seems detached and inward looking, only tearing himself away from Rosa’s memory when he has to change course, it is as though he is on auto pilot.

I agree with Sauerkraut that the sad childhood does appear rather suddenly, perhaps it would have been better to plant a seed earlier on in the story, maybe he spots a child in the crowd as they are preparing to takeoff and has to look away (ie: Because she has red hair like his wife did?)

I think that the section between the visit to the doctor and Mike clicking his stopwatch is the area I would concentrate your revision on, you have to switch to Mikes first person perspective and, through his eyes, you have to bring Rosa to life, they have to talk to each other, you must get across how distraught she had become by her inability to have children and how the ‘back story’ of her sad childhood, particularly the grief of her sisters death, has such a profound influence upon her character. The reader must become so thoroughly immersed in Mike and Rosa’s world that it should come as a minor shock to the reader when he clicks the stopwatch.

Two sentences that I thought spoiled the flow of the story were:

But when he first made eye contact with Rosa, he could feel electricity in his eyes and a swelling in his chest.

Which sounds a little clichéd.

It had been in their third year of marriage, second year of the flying club that the first cloud had come to visit their marriage.

The wording is inelegant; most readers would trip over this sentence and have to re-read it.

Apart from that and a few minor typos, it’s a really nice story. Well done. :thumbsup:

Thank you for that Mantaspook. There are a few points for me there to look into. I admit, on re-reading it myself, there was a few cliched bits in there. I think I may revise this with everyones points in mind and see if I can make it better.

Well spotted also, yes I have neem up in a Microlight, and a hang-glider, and a rigid wing glider, and a few light aircraft. Lets call it research. lol. Always had an interest in flying and in sailing, which is why they both feature in a few of my short stories. Also a Special Constable, so echo papa one is based on personal experiences too, although the whole story is pure fiction. I have been involved in similiar, but less dramatic, situations.

I have half fancied a go at hang-gliding as I regularly see them on my jaunts around Mam-tor, while we are on the subject; one of my Christmas presents off the kids was a helicopter flying lesson, when I build up the courage to take it, I promise to write a story, I just hope it’s not an elegy. :sad:

I have half fancied a go at hang-gliding as I regularly see them on my jaunts around Mam-tor, while we are on the subject; one of my Christmas presents off the kids was a helicopter flying lesson, when I build up the courage to take it, I promise to write a story, I just hope it’s not an elegy. :sad:

We await your helicopter story coyleys.!:)

I have half fancied a go at hang-gliding as I regularly see them on my jaunts around Mam-tor, while we are on the subject; one of my Christmas presents off the kids was a helicopter flying lesson, when I build up the courage to take it, I promise to write a story, I just hope it’s not an elegy. :sad:

Never been in a helicopter, yet. The hang gliding was an experience. You are tethered by three ropes held by three students, so you cant go to high. But it still hurts when you come down too fast. :lol: I wanted to take it further and carry on with the lessons, but it was not too be. Maybe another day. The microlight was a flight as a passenger. It is an experience being that high up in basically a go kart with a tent for a wing. :).

I think one of the hardest things in writing is to write well, but write simply, and I think you've managed that with this piece :)

On small observation (I wont say criticism) - when you open with the "Roar of the engines" it seems a little over blown to me when referring to microlites. Maybe an "angry snarl" might be more in keeping?

Over all, really enjoyed it :thumbsup: