Jabberwocky
29-01-2008, 11:55
Went into town this morning, and the trip there went without incident so theres not much worth mentioning there- apart from the men in orange coats...
Theres a level crossing that runs through my little hell-hole of a town and one or two trains rumble through it each day and today there were men working on the rails and barriers, but Ill have a moan about that later.
So, I was wandering aimlessly through the little town center when I noticed a shoe shop.
Shoezone, its called, and on the window in bloody huge yellow letters it said "Buy one, Get one free!"
Now, I know that shoes come in pairs, but I always thought that you bought them TOGETHER!
Its a great deal for someone with one leg I suppose, but for the bipedals among us, its a bit confusing.
I stood there, staring at this sign, trying to work it out and I was getting no where so I went into Gregs to get a steak bake and a sausage roll to munch on as I pondered the insanities of the marketing world.
I walked in, up to the counter and asked for a steak bake and a sausage roll and the lady behind the counter said `We dont have any steak bakes, but we DO have some rather nice chicken bakes`
`How much steak is there in the chicken bakes?` I asked...
We stood and stared at each other...
Now, "Jeannie" as her badge tells me her name is, and I know each other form a few weeks ago- I was in town again and a pigeon walked into the shop, panicked and flew around the place, and ended up in the window.
There was a lot of fuss and a bloke had to catch it and throw it back out into the street.
When it was my turn to get served I said `A sausage roll and a pigeon please`
She gave me a strange look and said `We dont sell pigeons`
I came out with the immortal punchline "But you have one in the window! BOOM BOOM!!!"
My efforts at amusing her fell on stony ground because she called me a cretin.
Anyway, I got a sausage roll and was fobbed off with a chicken bake by the wench and went back to gawping at this "Buy one, get one free sign"
As I was ruminating over my sausage roll, I noticed that I was being watched...
We have litter wardens here in Coalville, always on the lookout for people dropping scraps of paper, flakes of dandruff, or in the case of the posh areas, their aitches and this particular one was watching me VERY closely.
I stared back and considered spitting onto the floor.
By the time he gets to me, the spit will have evaoprated in the sun so he`d have to walk away again, then Id spit again and hed have to approach me again and the spit would have dried in the sun and...
I plan on trying that until I drive a warden insane.
So he watched me, I watched him and he slowly looked down from my chewing jaws to my feet.
I followed his eyes and noticed a pile of pastry flakes at my feet...
`Surely hes not going to fine me for pastry flakes!` I thought to myself and started preparing for a quick getaway, but mercifully, the Jabberwock genius gave me an idea!
Smiling smugly at this.. this...GIT, I tore a piece from the roll and dropped it onto the floor.
A pigeon immediatly landed and scoffed it, then started picking at the flakes.
I looked up triumphantly at the warden who approached me - and I THOUGHT he was going to say `Ok, you win, youve got me there, guvnor, I wont mess with a genious like you again gawd bless yer soul!`
Instead he said `I hope you realise that its illegal to feed pigeons`
My yorkie accent saved me...
`Bludy `ell!` I said, ` I dint reelise, am sorre all not do it ageeyun`
Thinking he had cornered a yorkie pud scoffer, he ordered me to be careful and stalked off in the direction of a crisp packet that had been dropped in 1976 and had lodged under the wheel of a pushchair- no doubt in the hope of fining the mother for littering.
God Im bored with typing now, Ill finish this later.
Theres a level crossing that runs through my little hell-hole of a town and one or two trains rumble through it each day and today there were men working on the rails and barriers, but Ill have a moan about that later.
So, I was wandering aimlessly through the little town center when I noticed a shoe shop.
Shoezone, its called, and on the window in bloody huge yellow letters it said "Buy one, Get one free!"
Now, I know that shoes come in pairs, but I always thought that you bought them TOGETHER!
Its a great deal for someone with one leg I suppose, but for the bipedals among us, its a bit confusing.
I stood there, staring at this sign, trying to work it out and I was getting no where so I went into Gregs to get a steak bake and a sausage roll to munch on as I pondered the insanities of the marketing world.
I walked in, up to the counter and asked for a steak bake and a sausage roll and the lady behind the counter said `We dont have any steak bakes, but we DO have some rather nice chicken bakes`
`How much steak is there in the chicken bakes?` I asked...
We stood and stared at each other...
Now, "Jeannie" as her badge tells me her name is, and I know each other form a few weeks ago- I was in town again and a pigeon walked into the shop, panicked and flew around the place, and ended up in the window.
There was a lot of fuss and a bloke had to catch it and throw it back out into the street.
When it was my turn to get served I said `A sausage roll and a pigeon please`
She gave me a strange look and said `We dont sell pigeons`
I came out with the immortal punchline "But you have one in the window! BOOM BOOM!!!"
My efforts at amusing her fell on stony ground because she called me a cretin.
Anyway, I got a sausage roll and was fobbed off with a chicken bake by the wench and went back to gawping at this "Buy one, get one free sign"
As I was ruminating over my sausage roll, I noticed that I was being watched...
We have litter wardens here in Coalville, always on the lookout for people dropping scraps of paper, flakes of dandruff, or in the case of the posh areas, their aitches and this particular one was watching me VERY closely.
I stared back and considered spitting onto the floor.
By the time he gets to me, the spit will have evaoprated in the sun so he`d have to walk away again, then Id spit again and hed have to approach me again and the spit would have dried in the sun and...
I plan on trying that until I drive a warden insane.
So he watched me, I watched him and he slowly looked down from my chewing jaws to my feet.
I followed his eyes and noticed a pile of pastry flakes at my feet...
`Surely hes not going to fine me for pastry flakes!` I thought to myself and started preparing for a quick getaway, but mercifully, the Jabberwock genius gave me an idea!
Smiling smugly at this.. this...GIT, I tore a piece from the roll and dropped it onto the floor.
A pigeon immediatly landed and scoffed it, then started picking at the flakes.
I looked up triumphantly at the warden who approached me - and I THOUGHT he was going to say `Ok, you win, youve got me there, guvnor, I wont mess with a genious like you again gawd bless yer soul!`
Instead he said `I hope you realise that its illegal to feed pigeons`
My yorkie accent saved me...
`Bludy `ell!` I said, ` I dint reelise, am sorre all not do it ageeyun`
Thinking he had cornered a yorkie pud scoffer, he ordered me to be careful and stalked off in the direction of a crisp packet that had been dropped in 1976 and had lodged under the wheel of a pushchair- no doubt in the hope of fining the mother for littering.
God Im bored with typing now, Ill finish this later.