Waiting for the ambulance.

The doctor came to see my ma-in-law this morning and decided she'd best go into hospital for a while. It's partly to try and find out what's causing her confusion/disorientation and partly because I just can't cope with her any more.

This has been going on since 20 November, at first we thought it was a chest infection that was causing the problem, but after a coupe of courses of antibiotics that seems to have gone, but she's been getting more and more confused as time goes on.

I've been giving her allsorts (Doctor's prescribed) to try and settle her at night, 'cos she gets very bad in the evenings and doesn't sleep, which means I don't sleep. I can't leave her alone for even a few minutes to go and pee without her starting to panic because she's on her own.

She's actually walked down the stairs - she can't normally even get down one step unless she's hanging onto something or somebody. I don't know how she didn't fall, there's no rail because it had to be taken out when the stair lift was fitted.

I know she needs to have tests and stuff, to see what the underlying cause is, but I feel so bloody guilty because I can't cope and I feel as if I'm sending her into the hospital to die. I know it's daft, but that's the way it feels.

I don't even know how I'll cope when the ambulance turns up, because the last time an ambulance arrived it was to take my partner to the hospital, where she died of a heart attack.

It's like a nightmare, I should be thinking of her and all I can think about is how I'm going to cope.

Believe it not, it's normal to feel that way.

You need to rest and the docs need to establish the cause of you MIL's illness.

I know you are worried sick at the moment, but they can do what you can't and you need to take the time to try and sleep for a bit yourself.

Don't beat yourself up, Dozy, you know from my private messages how much I admire your patience and dedication. You literally get no rest from it. Most jobs are not 24 hour responsibilities, and all have basic breaks legally built into the working day. No-one should feel at all bad for admitting they're not superhuman. Nobody could do what you've done without feeling the strain. You have a duty to think about yourself at least sometimes.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. No one person can be expected to bear the entire brunt of round the clock care, and it's not at all selfish to have the mixed feelings you have now. I hope you can take some time out to at least relax and just treat yourself for a while, even though I know you'll be worrying about her and what might be to come.

This is obviously the most difficult time of the year emotionally anyway, but the timing of this probably makes it even worse. You've done a fantastic job of keeping your sanity. You've done the very best by your MIL, and the memory of your partner, if I might say so. If anything I would want to see you taking the opportunity over the next few hours of sitting back, having a dram or three and letting your hair down and just allow yourself some guilt-free ME time and gather your strength for the coming year.

I do hope your MIL is OK, but I also hope YOU are OK. Carers are the forgotten people. I for one will be drinking a toast to you tonight. All the best, keep us updated and - as far as is possible in the circumstances - have a contented and peaceful new year.

What purdyamos said, 100%

All the best for the new year, and hope MIL gets sorted out by the doctors, soon.

XXX good vibes XXX

Thanks all for the supportive posts - which I do appreciate.

In the end, the ambulance went straight past NGH - which is 2 minutes down the road from me - and headed for the Hallamshire, so at least it was a different hospital, though it's going to be a pain to get there. MIL was fussing so much, I didn't have much time to think on the journey, anyway!

It was a nightmare time at the hospital, we arrived at about 5.40pm and didn't get onto a ward until about 9.30pm. Then she didn't see a doctor until 7.00am, then I was waiting for the nurse to tell me what was happening, then I waited for the doctors' rounds. In short, I didn't get home until just after 11.00am today!

After only getting 2 hours sleep the night before I was somewhat tired and brain dead. Luckily, the lovely neighbours fed me tea and toast and I had a couple of hours kip on the sofa, so I'm feeling a bit better, though very "vague".

My neighbour also told me how brilliant the Hallamshire had been with her mum, who had similar problems, and said it's better than the Northern.

She'll be in at least a week, and they have a whole battery of tests planned, so I'm keeping fingers crossed there is an underlying cause (some sort of infection) rather than just a mini stroke, as she's got a better chance of improving if it's not just a stroke.

I'm too brain-dead to have any emotional responses at the moment, so I'm just going to relax and see what happens.

Thanks again.