Ok people, this is a complicated one but I would appreciate some alternative viewpoints:

I moved into West One on December 1st, having shared a house with my sister in Doncaster for two years whilst an undergraduate at Sheffield. I'm now graduated and six months into my PhD, also at Sheffield. I'm really not enjoying living on my own and I feel isolated and miserable. I've been very depressed since just before Christmas and the last few weeks in particular have been hell. I'm keeping up with work because I feel I have to rather than because I enjoy it at the minute - usually I love doing research but I think my current state of mind has put a funny slant on things :( I have a contract with West One until May but I have consisted just giving up my PhD and going back to my parents home in London. The idea of doing this is in some ways very appealing (I'll have people around me, my mum to fuss over me, the cat to cuddle etc etc) but on the other hand... I'm not sure running away is ever a good option and I don't have many friends who are still in London now anyway. Plus, if I do go back home I'll still have all the stress of trying to find a job there, and looking for somewhere to live in the long term (my parents have a two bedroom house and my brother lives there already). Arghhhh. I don't know what to do :shakes: Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? :help:

Sorry to hear about your problem with living on your own. However if you leave your PhD now will you ever be able to come back to it? There are plenty of people currently at the university that you could feasably share with if you don't want to live on your own and don't mind sharing (plus sharing always brings down prices which is always good for students!). May isn't that far away so how about finding some people you get on with and spending some time with them to get a feel for if you can stay stay / live with them?

And as a complete aside what are you doing your PhD in?

hiya tracie
i think its always difficult making the transition. i did when i got divorced and then again after sharing a house with someone. I think the thing is to keep busy and stay positive - easier said than done. I work in a uni environment so if you need any moral support pm me!! I know how difficult it can be. in my opinion, for what its worth i'd say stick with the phd for a set amount of time then if you still really want to quit then follow your heart
jo

Tracie have you thought about the possibility of moving into a shared house of some kind?
If you were around people and had regular contact for conversations during those times when you get the lowest it may help.

I wouldn't give up the PhD though, you'll regret it later in life I'm sure.

However you need to do what makes you happy chuck :thumbsup:

The idea of doing this is in some ways very appealing (I'll have people around me, my mum to fuss over me, the cat to cuddle etc etc)

You need to go somewhere where you are loved & cared for at the moment by the sounds of things. Living alone when you aren't used to it or ready for it can be really tough. Is there any chance you could take a bit of time out from your PhD & go home & explore the different options open to you with your family?

You're obviously very close to them so they'd be the best people to help you decide if what you need is to return to familiar territory or whether you need to get shared accomodation.

Originally posted by TracieJC
The idea of doing this is in some ways very appealing (I'll have people around me, my mum to fuss over me, the cat to cuddle etc etc) but on the other hand... I'm not sure running away is ever a good option and I don't have many friends who are still in London now anyway.

Hi Tracie
I can kinda relate to this in that my life changed quite a bit a year or so ago and I found myself in Sheff in quite a similar depressing situation (the reason why isnt relevant here!) and with some friends and family not nearby. I thought long and hard about selling up/giving up my job and moving back to my original home town - for some the reasons you've already outlined. I'm now way past that. You may well decide to move back home (and if you do it isnt necessarily 'running away') but before you do .... get out and about as much as you can and give it a go. Follow the suggestions already given. There's a few meet ups on the forum being planned too!

Im glad I stayed in Sheff...it just takes a while to find your feet. By staying here it also means you've got somewhere nice to go for a break- ie to see your mum get fussed over! Id reallly like to write more...but cant at the mo...happy to PM though...and may see you at a meet sometime..

Tracie

Sounds like loneliness and a bit of consequent depression is interfering with your enjoyment of your research/career. There's some good advice in this thread - it's really important that you build up your social life at the moment, whether that means shared accommodation, or regular social events, or more frequent contact with your family. I know these things can be difficult when your confidence starts to wane. Don't chuck the PhD completely: if necessary, negotiate some time out to take stock. Take up those offers from boarders to chat via PM. Get involved in something - Uni societies, voluntary work, etc. It might not be the solution, but it might help lubricate your confidence.

Good luck!

Im the opposite of you, Im stuck in Birmingham hating every minute, wanting to get back to Sheff for my family and friends.
But i wouldnt get a job there for anything like what im on here, then theres houses to sell and buy etc.
I suppose thats why im on the forum most nights cause im home sick.
Getting to chat to you guys makes me feel like I could still be there.

Dont give up the PhD you will regret it, id see if you can take that break for a month or two.
You could be suffering from SAD always bad this time of year.

The worst vice can be advice, sounds like you need comfort and support more than anything else my dear.

You have slotted in to this forum nice and comfotably, chck out a couple of meets perhaps, the forum is crammed with ace people.

So too is Sheffield, but finding the approptiate living environment and frinds can be hard to find as you are already aware.

I imagine you know what the answer, or what you want is already.

Stick with it :rolleyes:

stick with it. maybe get ur self a pet or something. if not theres always the SF, always someone to chat to. :bigsmile:

Maybe this idea is completely impractical, but I'll suggest it anyways.

Could you stay in Sheffield during the week, and visit your parents in London each weekend? Maybe the travelling would be too much?

Wish I could help more!!

If you come to the one of the meets (I think neil's organising one at trippets on the 2nd) ... I'll buy you a glass of wine to cheer you up :)

(feeling all generous at the mo)

Take care :)

xx

I used to spend a lot of time dealing with first year students who had come to Sheffield many of whom had never lived alone before which can be really difficult. The trick seems to be finding your feet in a new place and finding friends so that you're not sat in your flat every evening or if you are you have a few friends popping in. All I can say is it will get better and if you're really going up the wall with boredom or lonliness I hope you can take up some of the ideas already mentioned. If you want some-one to natter to by all means send me a pm and I'll let you come and cuddle Max if you like black labraddors.

Hi,

There is some good advice here. For my 2 penny worth I would suggest that you look into the fact that you may be suffering from depression. Its sounds bad at first but believe me there are loads of people suffering from it, I know cause I have in the past. I am not saying you are, but give it a serious think. Taking St Johns Wort that is available in places like Boots and Holland and Barrett may help lift your initial low and then you may feel like you want to do things and get out more...

this leads me onto the following group. Its a walking group (sounds sad but its really good. Full of people your age who are not from the area and wanting to meet people and also get out and explore the great countryside we have on our own very door step :) and get fit!!!!. Also you are exercising and breathing in that fresh air and walking is known to help lift peoples spirits!!!

http://www.sheffieldwalkinggroup.org.uk

Also try something like Salsa at the Forum on Tues evening. A few people on here go and by all accounts is very good.

Hope you sort yourself out and you have done the first massive hurdle in posting on here.

Good luck.

Zed

There's always an element of "the grass is greener" - if you are going back to London, it will Eb to the London you remember when all your friends were there. If they ahem all moved on, it won't be quite the same!

I am sure there are plenty of people, either at the University or on the "Accommodation Wanted" board on this Forum who might take up a spare room in West One (giving you a bit of extra income as well as some company). I, personally, would think twice about giving up a nice place which is so handy for the University without thinking about it a little!

Alternatively, there will Eb aplenty of places to move into with people who are also looking for someone to take their spare room - achieving the same objective!

And if its just a bit of company you are looking for, I remember the University as being full of people doing stuff, having parties, etc. Or look at the Events section on this Forum. Or just send some random PMs to nice sounding posters on here!! - I am sure there are plenty of people on here who will show you that there is plenty of stuff going on to stop you feeling depressed!

Now that both your threads are side-by-side, I just have to suggest:

Why not change direction and set up a service company for Cats' Eyes' Battery Changing?:thumbsup:

Originally posted by TracieJC
I don't know what to do :shakes: Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? :help:

Im sure most people have been in a similar situation - but its never the same - cos its feelings youre dealing with and that always affects people differently.

Maybe you need to take a holiday and think about what to do - IIRC PhD students are entitled to around 8 weeks holiday per year (EPSRC guidelines) and you shouldnt be shy about taking that time especially in your first year. Dont feel bad about reconsidering your choices - the worst mistake you could make (IMHO) is to force yourself to carry on regardless and end up more miserable than before - a PhD is tough. But its also very rewarding and well worth while and I personally dont regret it for a second.

If youre having doubts about your research, spend some time talking about it with your supervisor - good research students are very difficult to find so he will do everything he can to support you. If you want to talk about it, drop me a pm, and ill buy you a pint or something ;)

Living alone when youve previously shared with other people does take some adjustment - so if thats what you think is really troubling you, then maybe consider moving into a shared house somewhere - meet some new people.

Most important thing is dont panic! and dont rush into (or out of) anything!

Midland are doing £15 returns to London.
Do not give up the phd.
Find some friends at the uni, you only need a few. take up a hobby, and struggle on through.

Tracie come down to VIP tomorrow night (i.e Thursday night) and I'll intro you to some friendly and nice Forumers who venture down weekly.

You'll soon see you'll want to stick around Sheffield for sure.

Tracie,
don't go, we want you here. You are so close to your academic goals, all it needs is for you to make that last push to the end. Just think how much more it will mean when you actually make it. You will be all done really soon... Thats all.
Did you rely on your sis for your social life? If you went away after her, or elsewhere, I'm sorry to say that it wouldn't be the same, if you followed her. Maybe you are greaving for the fun you had 6 months ago. Focus on the future not the past. Your future is going to be fantastic. Believe me.

Come on you've got to let her know........

Should she stay or should she go? ;) :rolleyes:

hmmm if she stays it could be trouble.......

ok enuff of the lyrics :D

you may live to regret giving up the phd....if you can stick it out and maybe get in a shared house im sure things would start to look up for you.

i have just recently made a massive decision about my future....and i'd been puttin it off for years.... sometimes you know whats right....but if your anything like me you will have all the negatives in your head.

get your phd....become a professional smart person. then teach other people to be smart. be rich. be happy.

:D ok... im not very constructive...but i dont have a phd :cool:

Sit down and ask yourself a few questions.

What happens in a day to make you low? Is it constant or peaky? Is it actually a fear of leaving the education system, and your whole life changing again, or is it just that empty feeling of sticking your key in a front door that has nobody behind it?

Once you've identified the root cause, you can begin to tackle it.

If it's just that you're the kind of person who needs to be round people, advertise your flat (most landlords will let you out of a contract if you replace yourself - somebody paying rent is preferable to you doing a bunk ;) ) and move in with other people. Don't ditch out on the Phd (I dragged myself through my degree by my own hair, and it was worth it)

Or get a dog! If it's to cure depression, doesn't that qualify as a care dog? :D . They can't keep those out by law :thumbsup: (okay, mebby not)

I had similar feelings during my PhD, and as I was living with my partner, the problems manifested themselves in my relationship with him rather than as loneliness (which I think might be happening to you).

Are you feeling down because your PhD isn't living up to expectations?

This certainly happened to me - although it was a year into it before I realised. It was only when I really took control of my project and steered it in the direction I wanted it to go that I started to feel enthused about it again.

Make no mistake - as Edd said, doing a PhD is really tough. The emotional ups and downs are very hard to cope with. It's a proper rollercoaster. But if it wasn't difficult, then it wouldn't be worth doing cos every bugger would have one, wouldn't they? You are doing something really special that not everyone is able to do and you will come out the other side feeling amazing :clap:

I suggest speaking to your supervisor(s)/mentors and letting them know how you feel. They will be willign and able to help. I'm not sure about taking time out though, because so many people I know went home for a break and never came back because they felt that they had failed.

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few questions: yes, I did rely on my sister very much for my social life - I was commuting between Doncaster and Sheffield so getting to know people outside of university was difficult (if I stayed out late I needed to find somewhere to stay, or leave and get the last train back to Doncaster on my own). In addition, I didn't get to know many undergraduates anyway because I joined Sheffield in the third year of a four year degree course (I was at KCL, and they closed the Chemistry department at the end of my second year). Most the people in the third year at Sheffield left with a BSc. The fourth year was mostly those people who had been in Industry for a year. I was very close to my sister but she met someone and the agreement was that I would find somewhere of my own if she settled down with someone. Her new partner has children too, so they needed the extra space more than ever.

I had a dog whilst I was at my sisters (we took him on together when I moved in). The agreement was that if I had to move out the dog would stay with her. Unfortunately, he was a bit of a handful (he was a big smelly beast but I loved him :P) and my sister never really took to him so when I started looking for somewhere here in Sheffield, I had to make the choice of either finding somewhere I could keep him with me, or having him rehomed. In the end he went to live with one of my sisters in laws - they are home all day and love walking, their own dog died in the summer. I couldn't keep him because he would have been alone all day whilst I was at work and he was one of those dogs that really needed company. I do miss him terribly though. My rented accomodation does not allow pets, when I saw Cake was selling hamsters on here I asked the office if I could keep one but they said no.

I'm trying to look for as many social things as possible - I'll definitely come along on Wednesday to evildrneils meet and I'm thinking about some kind of volunteering activity when the Source centre reopens at university. The walking thing sounds great too - I love walking and I have really enjoyed being so close to the peaks.

You know what? I feel better already :)

Originally posted by TracieJC
Ok people, this is a complicated one but I would appreciate some alternative viewpoints:

I moved into West One on December 1st, having shared a house with my sister in Doncaster for two years whilst an undergraduate at Sheffield. I'm now graduated and six months into my PhD, also at Sheffield. I'm really not enjoying living on my own and I feel isolated and miserable. I've been very depressed since just before Christmas and the last few weeks in particular have been hell. I'm keeping up with work because I feel I have to rather than because I enjoy it at the minute - usually I love doing research but I think my current state of mind has put a funny slant on things :( I have a contract with West One until May but I have consisted just giving up my PhD and going back to my parents home in London. The idea of doing this is in some ways very appealing (I'll have people around me, my mum to fuss over me, the cat to cuddle etc etc) but on the other hand... I'm not sure running away is ever a good option and I don't have many friends who are still in London now anyway. Plus, if I do go back home I'll still have all the stress of trying to find a job there, and looking for somewhere to live in the long term (my parents have a two bedroom house and my brother lives there already). Arghhhh. I don't know what to do :shakes: Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? :help:

Sorry to hear you're not enjoying your PhD at the moment but I'm glad you've not bottled it up and you've taken a huge step by telling us where you're at.
If you decide not to continue with the PhD it's not the end of the world - don't worry! If you choose to move back to London you've rightly pointed out that you will need to find a job and place to live. Realistically, in the short term, your parents are not going to mind you coming home and there's always work to be found - especially in a big city. If you move back to London you may have to look at having a short term plan that feeds into a long term plan (ie. live with your parents and get any job that comes along and then find one that suits you better whilst you're at home and happy!).

Whatever you choose to do make sure it makes you happy. If you stay in Sheffield to please anybody but yourself it serves no purpose! You only live once and so you might as well do something you enjoy. All the very best!

OK, haven't had time to read most of the replies, but I found research an incredibly isolating experience - are you sure it isn't that and not the living alone that ois making you miserable? Research general involves working alone on something at a level that is in such detail, no one else a)understands it and b) finds it interesting (research is generally only interesting to the people involved in it).

SO that means you can't talk to anyone about what you do all day, and you talk to no one while you are doing it.

AND the whole nature of research and academia is about thinking critical, so when you DO have contact with a supervisor they spend thier time criticising your work (becasue that's what academics do all day long, and it is institutionalised by the peer review process)

The final thing is that yuor working day/week never really starts and finishes properly because research lingers in the back of your mind permamently.

When I was involved in research I suffered from a generally low level misery for the whole time and the support from the department I was in was poor and I am gald to be freed of the environment.

Now, I am not in any way suggesting that you give up your pHD, but if I were you I would examine the support networks that you get from the university very closely. They benefit from the hard work you give them and universitys are notoriosuly awful at looking after their staff and human resources, so think about getting them to set up research networks, go to conferences, etc. Get a good working day routine and stick to it - when the day ends go home.

You are really entitled to supprt from the uni, as you do a demanding job (essentially), but I still get angry when I think of the way they treated me, despite the stress I was under and the hard work I puit in. Glad to be away from them now.

You spend so much time doing your research, that you can't expect it not to impact on your emotional state, so look closely at your uni activity for improvements.

Tracie,

There's not much more I can add to the advice already offered here, but I'd just like to say I can empathise with your situation.

I've always been very close to my sister, and it was wonderful having her living here in Sheffield when she did a PhD here a few years ago. I relied heavily on her for friendship, and then felt desolated when she moved up to Leeds for work. We still see each other, of course, but it's not the same.

With you suffering from depression, can I suggest you move into a shared house as soon as possible? Living on your own with depression is not a good place to be, especially as doing your PhD is also isolating. Just having other people around you will make you feel more connected into the world, and help you keep that sense of perspective that's so easy to lose when you're on your own.

It also sounds like you're a real animal-person, and would really benefit from having a pet around. I know landlords can be difficult about pets, but some are ok with cats, and smaller animals can still be company. Shared houses often seem to have a house-cat already in residence, anyway.

Hope that helps a bit.

Wishing you well and the best of luck,

StarSparkle :thumbsup:

Tracie - hope all this great advice and support is helping. I am in a similar situation to you and spend a lot of time in my own company. Have PM'd you in more detail. Hope we can at least get to a Forum meet together! ;)

Tracie

Can you keep posting updates on this thread so that we know you're ok?

Originally posted by TracieJC
I had a dog whilst I was at my sisters .... I do miss him terribly though. My rented accomodation does not allow pets, when I saw Cake was selling hamsters on here I asked the office if I could keep one but they said no.

The walking thing sounds great too - I love walking and I have really enjoyed being so close to the peaks.

You know what? I feel better already :)
I could be wrong, but I think Thornberry like to have volunteer dog walkers.

http://www.thornberry-animal-sanctuary.org/