View Full Version : Old People Jokes...
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor
and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says, Slim I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains, i know your about my age how do you feel, Slim says i feel just like a new born baby, Really like a new born baby, Yep No teeth no hair and i think i just wet my pants.
do you know the website for the incontinence society is www.slash slash slash
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's
house, and after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last
night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know...
The one that's red
and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to
Couple in their nineties are both having problems
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream
with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20
minutes, the old man returns from
the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my
A 90 year old man goes in to the doctors and says "I want my sex drive lowering" The doctor says "you are 90 years old man, its all in the mind" The bloke says "I know it is, thats why I want it lowering"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down
the street with
a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
''Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur;
lol great joke :banana:
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After
catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day, Wally didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so, Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud, Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
What's old and old?
An old person!
Every Thursday Ethel and Martha went to the old folk's afternoon club. This particular Thursday Ethel picked up Martha and they set off. The first set of lights they approached Ethel drove straight through! Martha bit her lip but didn't say anything. Next set of lights, same thing - Ethel runs the red again! Martha starts twisting uneasily in her seat but again, she bites her lip and says nothing.
Next set of lights, she can see that Ethel is going to jump the lights again, so she shouts out Ethel! watch out for the RED! Ethel jumps out of her skin, turns to Martha and says "Am I driving?" :o
It was the talk of the town when an 80-year old man married a 20-year old
After a year of marriage, she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the old bloke saying, 'This is
amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
He answered, 'Well, you got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year the young bride had another baby.
The same nurse said, 'You're amazing. How do you do it?'
He again said, 'You've got the keep the old motor running.'
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said, 'Well, well, well!!! You certainly are quite a man!'
He responded again, 'You've got to keep that old motor running.'
The nurse said, 'Well, you'd better change the oil. This one's black.'
#4 and esp #5
Wally's Wedding Night...
At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely
25 year old. Since her new husband is so old,
Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and
Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert
himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares
herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom,
ready for action. They unite as one.All goes well,
Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares
to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Lou Anne
hears another knock on her bedroom door,
and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more
coupling. When the newlyweds are done
Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed
it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door,
and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride
says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that
at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of
your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and
says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their
An old man walked into the street one day and shouted, "I'm an old man!"
Then everyone laughed at him.
Please, if any body else posts a joke from another forum will they please, please, tidy up the formatting?
We older people have trouble enough reading these jokes due to astigmatisms, cataracts and low attention spans without having to follow trains of thought across broken lines.
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"
The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass
and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.
The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."
The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!"
This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says,
"I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too".
The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the
benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say,
"Salute!" and down the drinks.
The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."
The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!"
This angers the bartender even more than the first time.
He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out
into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.
The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says,
"Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"
The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
went to the shops this morning & needed to draw some money out of the cash machine. A old lady was in front of me & said "excuse me can you check my balance" so i pushed the old cow over:hihi:
I went to a demo by the Alzheimer's Society the other weekend. As we marched, we were chanting
"What do we want?"
"We don't remember!"
"When do we want it?"
2 old women on there way back from a night outstop for a p in the graveyard, one wipes her vagina with her knickers and the other uses a wreath. There 2 husbands were in the pub the next day , one says "i'd better watch my wife,she came home with no knickers on last night". The other mans says "thats sod all,mine came home with a card wedged in her ars cheeks saying, we'll never forget you from all the lads at the firestation"!
The family of potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"