From a joke mag many many years ago, and still my favourite 'clever' joke.

What did the lady monocle say to the gentleman monocle when he proposed marriage?

'What, and make a spectacle of ourslves!'

What goes up a chimney down, but can't come down a chimney up? an umbrella you fool!!!:lol: :D :P

Originally posted by halevan
What goes up a chimney down, but can't come down a chimney up? Santa?

An umbrella.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man buys drinks for all three. After drinking, the ostrich runs round the block.

The ostrich then buys the next round. The three drink up and again the ostrich leaves for a second run around the block.

It's the cats turn to buy a round, but the cat refuses, so the man buys a round again. After drinking, the ostrich runs round the block for the third time.

The barman says "I couldn't help noticing. What's going on?"

The man says "I rubbed a lamp and the genie inside offered me a wish"

"What did you wish for?" asks the barman

"A fit bird with a tight pussy"

A man says to his Doctor, I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains, the Doctor says: Pull yourself together.:blush: :P :)

Hear the one about a man who kept knocking his head against a wall?

It felt so nice when he stopped!

I like this one:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world - those who can understand binary and those who cannot.

I like that one two!

What do you call a raver in a filing cabinet?
Sorted


boom boom!

An american high up in government died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
"What are all those clocks?", he asked.
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," he said, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," he said. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands
have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" he asked.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

There is queue of souls at the gates of heaven waiting to get in.
As god appears he ask the first man and wife in the queue to give forth his name.

The first man replies: Robert Smith
God looks down his list, finds the man and says: I know you, all your life you have been obsessed with food and even married a woman named Cherry.... I'm afraid you cannot enter Heaven.

God asks the second couple to give forth their names.
The second man says: Paul Jones
God looks down his list, finds the man and says: I know you, all your life you have been obsessed with money and even married a woman named Penny... I'm afriad you cannot enter Heaven.

A little further down the queue a man turns to his wife and says: Come on lets go... we'll never get in here Fanny.

Boom Boom

A queue of souls waiting to get into heaven, when God appears.
Come forth and give your name to God.

First person: Hal Evans my lord.
God: Have you ever committed Adultary Hal?
Hal: No god, never.
God: Very well, you may have this brand new Rolls Royce to take you round all of heavens beauty.

God: Come forth and give your name to God.
Second Person: Geoff Bowen
God: Have you ever committed adultary Geoff?
Geoff: Yes go but only once and I regretted it for the rest of my life.
God: Very well, you may have this new Mercedes to take you round all of heavens beauty.

Later that week Hal see's Geoff at the side of the road crying. hal being the caring soul he is, steps out of his car and walks up to Geoff and asks:
Whats wrong mate? You've got this nice new Mercedes to drive around heaven in. What ever could be the matter dear boy?

Geoff turns to Hal and says: I've Just seen my wife on a skateboard!

Boom Boom

My favourite 'clever' joke:

At the annual Philosophers Jamboree an argumenterupted between the Logical Positivists and the Existentialists. The Logical Positivists claimed the the Existentialists were not being sufficiently analytical. The Existentialists retorted by accusing the Logical Positivists of not being sufficiently.

Or:

To be is to do - Descartes

To do is to be - Sarte

Do be do be do - Sinatra/

Or as The Moody Blues once said:
I think therefore I am...I think.

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After
a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from
Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am
I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I
lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of
course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did
I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling
down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at
winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it,
I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits
down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over
shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long
night tonight, the Turley twins are drunk again."

Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Dave with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!", says Dave, "When are you going out?"
"Well, I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible.", says Dave.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest, sexiest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
Paul slumps back over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

Excellent! I like the last one Linds!

Not Very PC .........Be Warned.

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little t**t on your knee!"


What's So Funny?

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."

Genie In A Bottle

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking along their island beach when one sees a bottle lying on the ground.
It turns out there's a genie in it so they each get one wish.
The brunette says: "I miss my family, I wish i was home again."
With a puff of smoke she disappeared. The redhead wished for the same thing.
There the blonde stood, all alone on the beach. She started to cry and said "I wish my friends would come back"

Death in the family

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.

''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''