I am the carer of my husband he has a severe disability
He needs twenty four hour care ~ literally

I am his carer but I do get help twice a day ~ once to get him up, once to put him to bed

So I am his main carer ~ I love him to bits but I feel my needs are secondary

I am tired, I am lonely, I am depressed

Does anyone else feel like this? Why do I feel guilty for feeling this way?

There are lots of posts on here about people with disabilities
Why not so many about carers?
We are not 2nd class we don't exist

Both me and my partner are carers, me for our son and him for his mother. I hate living off benefits with a passion, and I equally hate the assumptions people make about us for living off them. I certainly have no intention of living this way forever, when my son starts full time school then I will get a job without hesitation (providing they are understanding about his needs, hospital appointments ect), I have a HND in tourism management and I worked damn hard to get that, I've no intention of letting it go to waste. But as soon as people here that we dont work you can practically read their minds!
So yes I definetely agree with you about 2nd class citizens. People should realise that they get to go home at the end of the day, our job is 24 hours, 7 days a week. There is no support in place, or certainly not what I know about. I'm scared to go and moan to my doctor for fear of being labelled 'depressed' and have pills foisted on me, or even worse, them thinking I cant cope and getting social services on my back.

Thanks honey
At last an answer ~ was beginning to think I was on my own!
There is NO support just lip service
We are on our own and we have to cope!

Of course we exist! And of course we are taken for granted by the State, who are quite happy for carers to carry on until they drop, because we do the caring on the cheap.

But there is help and support out there - http://www.sheffieldcarers.org.uk/index.php?page=start&keep_session=9465703

Sheffield Carers centre has weekly activities for carers, as well as offering advice. They publish a regular newsletter, full of helpful information.

There's also a couple of national carers organisations: http://www.sheffieldcarers.org.uk/site/index.php?page=catalogues&id=24&type=category&keep_session=9465703

And don't forget you can get Social Services at the Council to give you a Carers Assessment - that's an assessment of YOUR needs, not the cared for person's needs. http://www.sheffield.gov.uk/safe--sound/social-services/getting-help-from-social-services/help-for-carers

Please don't worry about going to the doctor's and moaning - there's no way they are going to immediately call in Social Services if you're a bit down! I think depression amongst carers must be incredible common, whether officialy diagnosed or not. I've been taking anti-depressants for 2 years now and my doctor knows I'm a carer, but there's never been a hint that she thinks I'm unfit to care for my ma-in-law.

PS the caring is not the source of my depression, but it certainly doesn't help some times!!

Of course we exist! And of course we are taken for granted by the State, who are quite happy for carers to carry on until they drop, because we do the caring on the cheap.

But there is help and support out there - http://www.sheffieldcarers.org.uk/index.php?page=start&keep_session=9465703

Sheffield Carers centre has weekly activities for carers, as well as offering advice. They publish a regular newsletter, full of helpful information.

There's also a couple of national carers organisations: http://www.sheffieldcarers.org.uk/site/index.php?page=catalogues&id=24&type=category&keep_session=9465703

And don't forget you can get Social Services at the Council to give you a Carers Assessment - that's an assessment of YOUR needs, not the cared for person's needs. http://www.sheffield.gov.uk/safe--sound/social-services/getting-help-from-social-services/help-for-carers

Please don't worry about going to the doctor's and moaning - there's no way they are going to immediately call in Social Services if you're a bit down! I think depression amongst carers must be incredible common, whether officialy diagnosed or not. I've been taking anti-depressants for 2 years now and my doctor knows I'm a carer, but there's never been a hint that she thinks I'm unfit to care for my ma-in-law.

PS the caring is not the source of my depression, but it certainly doesn't help some times!!

Thanks for that info, although I havent a clue when us carers have the time or the energy to join in these 'activities!' When my son goes to bed all I'm fit for is collapsing on the sofa or computer chair until I'm needed again for whatever reason!
All social services would do for us is offer respite for my son which I'm not prepared to accept. He is 3 years old, I wouldnt let any 3 year old go and stay overnight anywhere that wasnt family, and I certainly wouldnt let one who cant walk or talk and therefore say what he wanted or if he wasnt happy! I did want to apply for direct payments to pay my mum for a couple of hours a week to watch him while I did the shopping or took my other 2 children somewhere but even that isnt allowed, again it has to be a 'stranger'.
I admit I'm probably overreacting on the doctors front but to be honest my GP's are pretty useless. They dont understand his illness at all and I get no help from them whatsoever. Even the health visitor doesnt bother with us anymore.

I think organisations like New Dimensions provide support for people with communications and learning difficulties but perhaps this may only be confined to people who reach adulthood. Otherwise there's something called up SUFA - Speak Up for Action which also provides some sort of help, not quite sure what thought, for people with these difficulties.

Thanks for that info, although I havent a clue when us carers have the time or the energy to join in these 'activities!' When my son goes to bed all I'm fit for is collapsing on the sofa or computer chair until I'm needed again for whatever reason!
All social services would do for us is offer respite for my son which I'm not prepared to accept. He is 3 years old, I wouldnt let any 3 year old go and stay overnight anywhere that wasnt family, and I certainly wouldnt let one who cant walk or talk and therefore say what he wanted or if he wasnt happy! I did want to apply for direct payments to pay my mum for a couple of hours a week to watch him while I did the shopping or took my other 2 children somewhere but even that isnt allowed, again it has to be a 'stranger'.
I admit I'm probably overreacting on the doctors front but to be honest my GP's are pretty useless. They dont understand his illness at all and I get no help from them whatsoever. Even the health visitor doesnt bother with us anymore.

There's a helpful post on direct payments here: http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showpost.php?p=2682075&postcount=9

Now, it does mention employing somebody you know, as opposed to an agency. I'd assumed that would include family?

Anyway, I'd phone Sheffield Carers and see if they can tell you whether the info about not being able to use family members is correct.

I'm lucky, I'm caring for a relatively fit 97 year old, but even that can be incredibly frustrating at times. I admire you for being able to care for a 3-year old with such problems and 2 other children as well, with little help. You should be able to get the help you need, but carers are neglected by the government and sometimes you have to fight hard for things, which sucks because you need your energy for caring.

I did want to apply for direct payments to pay my mum for a couple of hours a week to watch him while I did the shopping or took my other 2 children somewhere but even that isnt allowed, again it has to be a 'stranger'.


If this is what you have been told, then you haven't been told the whole story. If you're eligible for a direct payment, it's absolutely fine to pay your mum to keep an eye on your little one to give you a break, as long as she doesn't live with you. Elgibility for direct payments can be looked at either as a parent of a disabled child, or as a disabled parent who needs assistance with parenting, or both. If you are eligible for support from social services, you are eligible for a direct payment (unfortunately, the first part is usually the biggest hurdle). If you've been told that you are eligible for a direct payment, and if your mum doesn't live with you, you should go back to social services and insist that they provide you with a direct payment to do what you propose. If that proves difficult, call Penderels Trust http://penderelstrust.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=27, and explain your situation. Trust me, I know loads about direct payments! :) Sheffield Carers Centre know lots too.

In my experience, carers are generally regarded as 2nd class by social services departments. The hierarchy in their view often goes 1) professional 2) disabled person 3) carer/parent. It doesn't help that although carers are entitled to a carer's assessment in their own right, councils don't have to provide support to them, even if the assessment shows they are at breaking point.

I am the carer of my husband he has a severe disability
He needs twenty four hour care ~ literally

I am his carer but I do get help twice a day ~ once to get him up, once to put him to bed

So I am his main carer ~ I love him to bits but I feel my needs are secondary

I am tired, I am lonely, I am depressed

Does anyone else feel like this? Why do I feel guilty for feeling this way?

There are lots of posts on here about people with disabilities
Why not so many about carers?
We are not 2nd class we don't exist

You're tired, lonely and depressed because you're human and you've got one hell of a lot to cope with. Unfortunately, when we get *lumbered with caring, we don't automatically acquire super-human powers to enable us to cope with everything that's thrown at us.

I have a friend who was a nurse, and even she found it difficult caring for her mother - she might have been from a "caring" profession, but it's different when it's your own family, and when you can't just go home at the end of a day's work.

You feel guilty, because you love your husband and think it's wrong to have negative feelings towards caring for him, because it's not his fault that he needs you all the time. And, somehow, you should be able to cope.

Are you doing anything about the depression? Sometimes a few months on an anti-depressant can be enough to get you through a particularly bad patch. Or, like me, you might need them for longer. Anti-depressants are an absolute boon to some people, but don't work too well for others, it depends on the individual.

Sometimes it helps just to have a damn good moan to somebody who understands. I'm lucky, I have friends who have cared/are caring for family, and they can empathise with me in a way that somebody who's never been a carer just can't.

I can moan and complain about some stupid, piddling little thing that has driven me to the edge of distraction, and make myself sound like a totally hard, selfish, uncaring bitch, knowing full well that they will realise I'm just letting off steam. And they can do the same with me - knowing I'm not going to think they're a cross between Hitler and Attila the Hun.

Online Forums like this http://www.carersuk.org/Forums/ are great for getting the frustration out of your system, and you can remain anonymous. It also helps you to realise that there are other people out there who get frustrated/angry/depressed or just plain fed up with always having to put yourself second.

*In my opinion, it is lumbered, no matter how willingly you take on the responsibility. I've never yet come across anyone who is a carer who said that their one ambition in life had always been to provide 24 hour care for their disabled/dependent parent, spouse or child.

oh my goodness, all these posts, why on earth doesnt someone in the medical proffession tell us about the help / support that can be had? I have been told off so many people including social workers that although I may be assessed as being entitled to direct payments I cant use them to pay my mother. I really need to go kick ass somewhere down the line! No idea where to start though as I'm not allowed a social worker! The online forums look good too, and I didnt even realise there was a sheffield carers centre! Why??!!!

oh my goodness, all these posts, why on earth doesnt someone in the medical proffession tell us about the help / support that can be had? I have been told off so many people including social workers that although I may be assessed as being entitled to direct payments I cant use them to pay my mother. I really need to go kick ass somewhere down the line! No idea where to start though as I'm not allowed a social worker! The online forums look good too, and I didnt even realise there was a sheffield carers centre! Why??!!!

Why, indeed! You'd think somebody in Health Service/Social Services would be responsible for producing a simple little booklet that listed sources of official/non-official help and information to give to new carers. But it's probably too simple (and helpful) an idea.

That's partly why this section of the Forum was started - so posters can find out stuff they need to know.

I'm sure if you call the Carers' Centre, they'll be able to help.

oh my goodness, all these posts, why on earth doesnt someone in the medical proffession tell us about the help / support that can be had? I have been told off so many people including social workers that although I may be assessed as being entitled to direct payments I cant use them to pay my mother. I really need to go kick ass somewhere down the line! No idea where to start though as I'm not allowed a social worker! The online forums look good too, and I didnt even realise there was a sheffield carers centre! Why??!!!

Not only is it because it's too simple to give out accurate, reliable and helpful information BUT - and this is most important - it costs MONEY to provide details of these services not to mention the provision of the services.

Finding out the information is only part of the obstacle course, the other part, and in my opinion, even more difficult is to get the vital help to which we are entitled. This is a major achievement which requires assertiveness, guts, determination and persistence in equal proportions and even then success is by no means guaranteed.

The consequence of having information about such services which are more inaccessible than the crown jewels, would probably have a devastating effect on under-resourced service providers who are simply not geared up to providing the services they are supposed to provide.

Hi Jillpill, The reason there's not many post about carers is that we are to damned exhausted, I'm only here today because I've been ill and I'm having to have respite,but not being used to having free time I don't know what to do with it, I don't know about you but being tired isn't the only down side to caring, most of us get so little in return we lose confidence in ourselves and we become lonely and depressed, and we lose our self worth My husband is also very ill and has been for eight years,and these days he's asleep most of the time so although his quality of life is zero, so is mine, I can go all day and never speak to anyone, thats all day and everyday, no wonder we have very little self worth, then couple that with having no money, even if we had the time the chances are we can't afford much of a social life either, as for friends and relatives, most give lip service but very little else, people that you think would always be there for you soon get fed up and go.
I know as a woman I am very strong, I have like you, times when things get me down, it's only natural and I'd love a kind word from someone, I have two wonderful sons ( one who is also disabled) but my main source of conversation is the carers that come in to help with my husband, but then that brings it's own problems don't you find? I am grateful for them being there but I sometimes feel my home isn't my own, there's always someone walking through.
I know we didn't have a choice about being a carer, but I couldn't live with myself if I walked away, in fact it isn't in me to leave someone when they need me so much, so think about this Jillpill, we must be very special people to do all we do, against all odds and social services, we will fight for our carees rights and I don't give a damn who I offend anymore, hold you head up high because you're better than most. Love and best wishes.

Back to the direct payments bit, how do you go on about getting them? I dont have a social worker so would have to refer myself if thats possibe? I've just had yet another argument with someone who keeps insisting that I cant employ my mum so I want to find out once and for all by myself!

Back to the direct payments bit, how do you go on about getting them? I dont have a social worker so would have to refer myself if thats possibe? I've just had yet another argument with someone who keeps insisting that I cant employ my mum so I want to find out once and for all by myself!

Hi honeyb,

Although you don't have a social worker now, have you had one at any point before? If so, you are likely to be already 'in the system', so you should call the Children with Disabilities Team and say you want a direct payment, and can a social worker come out and advise you. If you've not had dealings with Children with Disabilities Team (CDT) before, you need to arrange an assessment for your son under the Children Act. What you are looking for is your son to be recognised as a 'child in need' under the Children Act. This can be a frustrating experience, because CDT are not always very transparent in the way that they make decisions. CDT will not offer social work support unless they feel your family is at risk of breakdown without it. It is often worth getting letters from professionals involved with your son (e.g. Sure Start, GP, specialist etc.) to back up what you are saying.

If after all that they do agree that you require support from CDT, they will usually tell you how many hours per week of support they can offer you, and by law they must offer direct payments as one way of getting these hours of support.

Below is a link to the direct payments guidance from the Dept. of Health, which talks about employing relatives http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_4096246 It's paragraph 94 that you want:

Unless a council is satisfied that it is necessary to meet satisfactorily a person's needs, a council may not allow people to use direct payments to secure services from a spouse (husband or wife), from a partner (the other member of an unmarried couple with whom they live), or from a close relative (or their spouse or partner) who live in the same household as the the direct payment recipient

You can get help and advice with direct payments from Penderels Trust, but the assessment from Social Services comes first. You should start by ringing the council switchboard and asking for Children with Disabilities Team. Good luck; it can be a bit of a slog, and CDT don't go out of their way to offer you support, but if you can get it it can make a big difference. I'll try and answer any other questions you might have.

Hi Jillpill, The reason there's not many post about carers is that we are to damned exhausted, I'm only here today because I've been ill and I'm having to have respite,but not being used to having free time I don't know what to do with it, I don't know about you but being tired isn't the only down side to caring, most of us get so little in return we lose confidence in ourselves and we become lonely and depressed, and we lose our self worth My husband is also very ill and has been for eight years,and these days he's asleep most of the time so although his quality of life is zero, so is mine, I can go all day and never speak to anyone, thats all day and everyday, no wonder we have very little self worth, then couple that with having no money, even if we had the time the chances are we can't afford much of a social life either, as for friends and relatives, most give lip service but very little else, people that you think would always be there for you soon get fed up and go.
I know as a woman I am very strong, I have like you, times when things get me down, it's only natural and I'd love a kind word from someone, I have two wonderful sons ( one who is also disabled) but my main source of conversation is the carers that come in to help with my husband, but then that brings it's own problems don't you find? I am grateful for them being there but I sometimes feel my home isn't my own, there's always someone walking through.
I know we didn't have a choice about being a carer, but I couldn't live with myself if I walked away, in fact it isn't in me to leave someone when they need me so much, so think about this Jillpill, we must be very special people to do all we do, against all odds and social services, we will fight for our carees rights and I don't give a damn who I offend anymore, hold you head up high because you're better than most. Love and best wishes.

It's an important point you've raised about feeling your home is no longer yours. One of my longest standing friends made exactly the same comments about people coming in to her home to provide her with the support she needs to live her life in her home. She finds it extremely intrusive - the need to be friendly, polite, chat and bee interested when all she simply wants to do is relax, wrap herself up in her own thoughts, watch the TV or whatever.

Hi Jillpill, The reason there's not many post about carers is that we are to damned exhausted, I'm only here today because I've been ill and I'm having to have respite,but not being used to having free time I don't know what to do with it, I don't know about you but being tired isn't the only down side to caring, most of us get so little in return we lose confidence in ourselves and we become lonely and depressed, and we lose our self worth My husband is also very ill and has been for eight years,and these days he's asleep most of the time so although his quality of life is zero, so is mine, I can go all day and never speak to anyone, thats all day and everyday, no wonder we have very little self worth, then couple that with having no money, even if we had the time the chances are we can't afford much of a social life either, as for friends and relatives, most give lip service but very little else, people that you think would always be there for you soon get fed up and go.
I know as a woman I am very strong, I have like you, times when things get me down, it's only natural and I'd love a kind word from someone, I have two wonderful sons ( one who is also disabled) but my main source of conversation is the carers that come in to help with my husband, but then that brings it's own problems don't you find? I am grateful for them being there but I sometimes feel my home isn't my own, there's always someone walking through.
I know we didn't have a choice about being a carer, but I couldn't live with myself if I walked away, in fact it isn't in me to leave someone when they need me so much, so think about this Jillpill, we must be very special people to do all we do, against all odds and social services, we will fight for our carees rights and I don't give a damn who I offend anymore, hold you head up high because you're better than most. Love and best wishes.

I think that's a very accurate reflection of what being a carer can be like. Although my ma-in-law doesn't need a great deal of help with personal care, and is quite capable of being left alone, she begrudges me any time to myself. Even if I go into the next room to watch some TV, she'll follow me through after a while and ask what I'm doing. So, although she doesn't need constant attention, she wants it and, to be honest, sometimes it's just easier to give in and do what she wants.

That's why I spend so much time on the forum - it's a real life line for me. My PC is in the room she sits in, so I can sit and post away without her thinking she's being neglected. I'm also fortunate in having good neighbours and friends who are happy to come and visit me, instead of me going to them, because they know my ma-in-law and understand my difficulties. Maybe it's because most of them have been or are carers to some extent themselves.

I hope your respite will do you some good and you can enjoy some "me" time while you have the chance.

Hi honeyb,

Although you don't have a social worker now, have you had one at any point before? If so, you are likely to be already 'in the system', so you should call the Children with Disabilities Team and say you want a direct payment, and can a social worker come out and advise you. If you've not had dealings with Children with Disabilities Team (CDT) before, you need to arrange an assessment for your son under the Children Act. What you are looking for is your son to be recognised as a 'child in need' under the Children Act. This can be a frustrating experience, because CDT are not always very transparent in the way that they make decisions. CDT will not offer social work support unless they feel your family is at risk of breakdown without it. It is often worth getting letters from professionals involved with your son (e.g. Sure Start, GP, specialist etc.) to back up what you are saying.

If after all that they do agree that you require support from CDT, they will usually tell you how many hours per week of support they can offer you, and by law they must offer direct payments as one way of getting these hours of support.

Below is a link to the direct payments guidance from the Dept. of Health, which talks about employing relatives http://www.dh.gov.uk/en/Publicationsandstatistics/Publications/PublicationsPolicyAndGuidance/DH_4096246 It's paragraph 94 that you want:



You can get help and advice with direct payments from Penderels Trust, but the assessment from Social Services comes first. You should start by ringing the council switchboard and asking for Children with Disabilities Team. Good luck; it can be a bit of a slog, and CDT don't go out of their way to offer you support, but if you can get it it can make a big difference. I'll try and answer any other questions you might have.

No we've never had a social worker before. we were offered one when my son first became ill and was in hospital, but i'm afraid the stigma was there, i was scared they didnt think i would cope and would lose him. sounds stupid now but no one ever explained to me their actual role ect. i now know of the help and advice they can provide so i asked his consultant if he could refer us for one, he said the only thing a social worker would do now was offer respite which i dont want in that sense, just a few hours a week for my mum to watch him so i can do the food shopping without trying to push a wheelchair and a trolley around, and perhaps so i can take my youngest daughter to a mother and baby group or something. my mum is happy to do it but is struggling financially and is looking to have to increase her hours at work, which means she wouldnt have the time to help. if i could pay her it would solve a lot of problems. i dont want the form of respite they offered in where they take him overnight if you get me.
I'm definetely going to ring and see what i can sort out, the person who was supposed to be helping is basically useless!

i asked his consultant if he could refer us for one, he said the only thing a social worker would do now was offer respite

It's a shame that many people in the medical profession don't know what social services can provide, and vice versa.

i dont want the form of respite they offered in where they take him overnight if you get me.


I totally understand. Loads of parents feel exactly the same. I don't really know why social services departments have up until recently assumed that what families with disabled children want is to be separated from their kid(s) for a few nights. Most would much rather have a bit of regular help to keep them going. It's worth pointing out that if social services were offering overnight respite, you could choose to have the cash equivalent as a direct payment and use it differently, as long as it achieves the outcome that the respite was meant to achieve.

For yours and others' info, it might be helpful to know about the "tiered" system of services which the Children and Young Peoples Service uses.

Tier 1 - the sort of things everyone can access, e.g. children's centres, playgroups etc.

Tier 2 - for those with higher needs but not qualifying for social work support (i.e. family not at risk of breakdown without extra support). An example would be SNIPS (Special Needs Inclusion Play Service). The Kids Together project is probably another example.

Tier 3 - this is where you get input from a social worker, and might be offered respite (or equivalent), or regular hours of support from an agency like Crossroads. You should be offered a direct payment as an alternative to existing services. Relatively few families will be accessing Tier 3 services.

Tier 4 - Children in local authority care.

You'll be able to get a direct payment if you are assessed as needing a Tier 3 service.

Oh I used to have crossroads service, but the woman we had left (she originally started as my sons portage worker so I came to know her very well) after that I didnt fancy starting with someone new, especially as the other person who we were offered seemed very snotty (first impressions and all that I'm afraid!)

Thanks for all the posts! Its good to know there are people out there.

Someone said about having time and energy to contact carers groups ~ I totally agree but I have also got out of the habit of being with other people. I know this is part of my depression and yes I have been on tablets now for at least 4 years, but I don't want to be around other people, I won't go where it is busy ~ I used to love shopping, I will do anything to avoid it now. Most of my shopping is done on line!

The home helps ~ they are great and some of them are good friends but yes they are an intrusion. Our home is invaded twice a day and yes I know I cannot manage without them but oh for some peace and not be reliant on other people. That sounds terrible makes me sound really selfish ~ my oh is totally reliant on everyone for everything and I am moaning about home helps!

He has been ill since 1981 and he doesn't moan or whine and he can't get on here and scream at the screen but I can and I thank my lucky stars for that!

Hiya Jillpill again, You've raised another good point in your last posting, regarding not wanting to be where other people are, and one reason i think that is, well in my case anyway, is that this life was never part of the big picture, even though you may not have planned your future, caring for someone 24/7 was never in our minds, like the old saying goes, it's a good job we don't know what's round the corner, and it's true. Being with other people in certain situation makes you think of what you've lost, I 'd always thought that when we retired we'd do so together, and share things together, have a coffee and talk about things we'd never time for while we were working, but for some of us that will never happen, and when we are in the company of others such as holidays or party's, or even shopping it's a reminder that this was not part of the big plan, others are walking about with their partners and inwardly we are saying to ourselves, we were going to do this or that that will never be, so we avoid places that reminds us of our past plans, that has been taken from us.Don't beat yourself up, but you must go out otherwise that will get worse.Take care and be happy.

Hiya Jillpill again, You've raised another good point in your last posting, regarding not wanting to be where other people are, and one reason i think that is, well in my case anyway, is that this life was never part of the big picture, even though you may not have planned your future, caring for someone 24/7 was never in our minds, like the old saying goes, it's a good job we don't know what's round the corner, and it's true. Being with other people in certain situation makes you think of what you've lost, I 'd always thought that when we retired we'd do so together, and share things together, have a coffee and talk about things we'd never time for while we were working, but for some of us that will never happen, and when we are in the company of others such as holidays or party's, or even shopping it's a reminder that this was not part of the big plan, others are walking about with their partners and inwardly we are saying to ourselves, we were going to do this or that that will never be, so we avoid places that reminds us of our past plans, that has been taken from us.Don't beat yourself up, but you must go out otherwise that will get worse.Take care and be happy.

Thanks Applegrim! :)

Thanks for all the posts! Its good to know there are people out there.

Someone said about having time and energy to contact carers groups ~ I totally agree but I have also got out of the habit of being with other people. I know this is part of my depression and yes I have been on tablets now for at least 4 years, but I don't want to be around other people, I won't go where it is busy ~ I used to love shopping, I will do anything to avoid it now. Most of my shopping is done on line!

The home helps ~ they are great and some of them are good friends but yes they are an intrusion. Our home is invaded twice a day and yes I know I cannot manage without them but oh for some peace and not be reliant on other people. That sounds terrible makes me sound really selfish ~ my oh is totally reliant on everyone for everything and I am moaning about home helps!

He has been ill since 1981 and he doesn't moan or whine and he can't get on here and scream at the screen but I can and I thank my lucky stars for that!

Yes, not wanting to be with other people is part of the depression. I don't have much choice to go out, because my ma-in-law loves her little trips. My partner always took her to Meadowhell every week, to shop in Sainsbury's and have a look round so I felt I had to keep on doing this, as it was good for both of us. It was hard at first, because we travel on the Mobility bus, which means you have to talk all the other people on there. Well, you don't have to, but it just seems very rude not to.

Once Sainsbury's closed, we started taking the Mobility Bus to Morrisons as well, so that's 2 trips a week. I think it has helped me, because it does get me out.

Without those trips, and the mixing with other people, I don't think I'd ever have mustered up to the energy to go to a craft group, to give me some much needed enjoyment. It was great to be with a group of people and just laugh and make things.

I'm determined to start going again, once I'm not so concerned about ma-in-law (she's starting with multi-infarct dementia).

Of course you resent the home helps, even if you need them, it's only natural. You keep on coming on here and having a moan, if it helps, we all understand how you feel.

Now you see Dozy, you must have more confidence than me, I come over very noisy and I could talk for England, but confidence no! I have also taken up differant crafts, I have painted for years, but to me my paintings are terrible so I hid them, then I have taken up card making, and my cards are very special I spend hours making each one (it's a good job we don't have to rely on the money, I wouldn't earn my bus fare home it takes me so long, but I can't do just anything they have to be differant from anything else ) Now they must be ok because the carers order them from me months in advance, but I only cover my expences, I just haven't the confidence to go out to meet new people, plus by the time I've got someone to sit with my husband then paid their taxi home, it's all to much of an effort so I don't bother.You keep going out if you can. Take care