My October contribution:

An urban voice. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1191512228.doc)

Hmmm! That was an interesting one; I must admit I had to think twice at the end before I twigged on, a concept like that is wide open for digression.
Yes! I do like that one.
Nice one Hopman. :thumbsup:

Very clever Hopman. I do like the way you keep repeating the words " I used to live here" It gives the story feeling.

I like the story. :)

It is straightforward and has a clever twist to it.

The use of peripheral characters from the past added much to the deception you constructed to disguise the explicit disclosure in the final line..

I like the story. :)

It is straightforward and has a clever twist to it.

The use of peripheral characters from the past added much to the deception you constructed to disguise the explicit disclosure in the final line..

It is straight forward and.....(I wish I could say the same about your comments, Shoeshine.)

It is straight forward and.....(I wish I could say the same about your comments, Shoeshine.)

"Verbosity" is my middle name. :hihi:

You're only jealous because I can stretch a one-page contribution into a Three-Volume novel! ;)

I've not forgotten you turned my single-page "Coldshield" double-glazed "eco-window" story into a two page submission about an old leaded window in Notre Dame Cathedral and included the whole of French history within two pages!. ;)

To add insult to injury, you put a picture of the Notre Dame leaded window on the second page too. :o

:hihi:

"Verbosity" is my middle name. :hihi:

You're only jealous because I can stretch a one-page contribution into a Three-Volume novel! ;)

I've not forgotten you turned my single-page "Coldshield" double-glazed "eco-window" story into a two page submission about an old leaded window in Notre Dame Cathedral and included the whole of French history within two pages!. ;)

To add insult to injury, you put a picture of the Notre Dame leaded window on the second page too. :o

:hihi:
“Verbosity” I like that word, may I use it? or do you own the copyrights? :D

Ah-ah! “Rose Vitrine”, That was when I was going through my omniscient period, but the wife soon put a stop to that. :mad:

“Verbosity” I like that word, may I use it? or do you own the copyrights? :D

Ah-ah! “Rose Vitrine”, That was when I was going through my omniscient period, but the wife soon put a stop to that. :mad:

I'll let you use it, for a small commission. :)

Rose Window! Pah!

They're BOGOF these days, and three for the price of one from the "quality" DIY stores, 4 years interest free credit but install them yourself! ;)

Mind, you've got to make your own history up about their provenence. ;)

as Disraeli said of Gladstone -- intoxicated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

Please ignore coyleys, seriessix. :)

I got a better mark than him from our teacher for our raffia table-mats. :)

as Disraeli said of Gladstone -- intoxicated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.

Ha-ha, a battle of words, is it?

Disraeli = Coyleys
Gladstone = Shoeshine
:D

Ahem, sorry to interupt the banter chaps. :) back on topic -

What a terrific story, I figured out quite early on who the narrator was going to be, the first line contains a ‘little cloud’ that gives the game away.

”Thank you for coming. No, I won’t shake hands, thanks. This is it. I used to live here.”

You could have redirected the readers in a subtle way by introducing the character that the narrator was talking to, for instance

So you’re the local historian? Thank you for coming, I don’t get many visitors these days, let me show you around the old place, We’ll start over here, this is where I was born - I used to live here.

It’s not clear whether the narrator is a woman or a man, to be honest it doesn’t really matter to the story, I think its implied that it’s a woman because the narrator seems to know the family histories and the local gossip, It may have been a good idea to introduce the narrator more overtly as an elderly woman, perhaps one that is a little forgetful and set in her ways and that’s why she keeps repeating the mantra ‘I used to live here’

I agree with Pattricia that this line builds a rhythm into the story, this is important as the final line of the story is a ‘blue note’ that disrupts the rhythm and leaves the poignant message that the narrator is trying to tell. An excellent ending, I don’t think that could be improved upon.

I’m not too keen on these lines:

"Not like Emily Roberts

That was where Emily Roberts used to live. She was always being called on to lay people out.

I expect she would have done… No, maybe not. She needed a body to work with."

Suggested alternative:

“Unlike Emily Roberts.

That was where Emily Roberts used to live, during the war she was often called upon to lay people out, someone called her out for me once but I’d disappeared”

A bit more subtle? Perhaps. But both versions give the big finale away, you have to consider whether the story has more impact by deleting those lines.

I really liked this story, particularly the ending which was first class.

I agree. An excellent story. The not shaking hands at the beginning does give it away a bit (though perhaps only if you already know what kind of story you're reading), but you're still left wondering how it's going to come to a conclusion and when you get to that conclusion it's just...brilliant! :)

Did everyone assume the bombs were WW2?

Did everyone assume the bombs were WW2?

I think I associated the Hun with WW2 but realise now I was mistaken! Was a really good story, got a good sense of listening to someone talk about their neighbourhood. The twist was well delivered.

I didn't get what "lay people out" meant until after reading, maybe a clarification would've helped like "lay people out, did a better job than the funeral parlour. It was cheaper as well of course."