What about the world's unluckiest man.He got shipwrecked and was picked up by the titanic!!

Was he the guy who decided to buy a pet praying mantis and it turned out to be an athiest?

Paddy & Mick were on a long haul flight back to Ireland.
The captain comes on the tannoy and says "an engine has failed,we will be 15 mins late into Dublin"
A short time later the captain says "The 2nd engines failed,we will be 30 mins late into Dublin"
A short time later "The 3rd engines failed,we will be 45 mins late into Dublin"
Paddy turns to Mick and says"I hope the last engine doesn't fail,or we will be up here all bleedin night!!"

What's the first thing you do immediately after having sex with an essex girl?

Turn the car interior light on.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Doris, is sitting in a bar, and says to her friend that she wants
to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that.
I know how to do it without surgery."

Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

The bartender says, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?"

The bartender says, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your
ass."

What does it say on the bottom of an Irish milk bottle?


Open other end.

Man walks into a bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

Man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep"

Man replies, "I was talking to the sheep."

Police pull up a car,the copper says "Have you got a police record?",
The driver replies,"Yes,walking on the moon".

Paddy was pulled by police doing 80 mph in a 30 mph zone,down the middle of the road.the copper says,"What are you playing at?",Paddy says,"I'm only doing what is says on my license"
The copper looking puzzled replies,"What's that then?"
paddy says,"It says tear along the dotted line!"

two drunks find a mirror in the road, the first one picks it up and says "i know that face but i cant put a name to it" the second one picks it up and says "its me you daft c***"

Paddy & Mick Were Very Drunk One Night And Decided To Nick A Bus From The Bus Station.anyway,they Got Off The Bus And Paddy Said"you Are Thick You Mick","why",replies Mick."well,if You Had Nicked A Number 22,instead Of A 33,we Could've Got Off Outside The Chippy At The Bottom Of Our Road".

A bloke is on remand in Armley for murder.His solicitor goes to see him and says,"I've got some good news,and some bad news".
"What's the bad news then"
"The bad news is,the police have found your blood at the murder scene"
"Blimey,what's the good news then"
"Your cholesterol is low" :)

Q: Why shouldn’t you stand behind the Devil in a queue at the Post Office?
A: Because the Devil takes many forms.

Q. How do you spot the blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard!

Q: Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano?
A: His undertaker

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen

Q. What's red and white and lives in a tree?
A. A sanitary owl.

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic, insomniac and agnostic who stayed awake all night wondering if there was a dog?

Q. Why do women have orgasms?
A. Any excuse to moan

Q. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What is the difference between Casper and Micheal Jackson?
A. One is pale and scares kids, the other is a friendly ghost.

Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A. Knock on the door

Q. What's the longest sentence known to man?
A. 'I do.'

Q.Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?
A.He was out-standing in his field!

Q. How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
A. Poke-him-on

Q.Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
A. Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q.What’s the ultimate in trust?
A.Two cannibals doing 69.

Q.Why don't oysters give to charity?
A.'Cos they're shellfish

Q: What does a German call his willy?
A: Mine shaft

Q: What does a Polish girl get on her wedding night that's long and hard?
A: A new surname.


DISCLAIMER: Now I know that these are pretty terrible but I defy any one of you not to chuckle at at least one of 'em...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Very good, Don. Cheeky devil arent you ?

How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.


What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.


Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
They have to have some place to rest their ankles.


How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

english, irish and scottish man in a pub, english man said i dont understand our lass shes got 4 bottles of whisky and she dont drink....scottish man said our lass is same shes bought a tin of cat food and we dont have a cat......irishman said what about my f***ing stupid wife shes took 20 condoms to spain with her and she hasnt even got a cock!!

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman in a pub talking about their kids. The Englishman says "Well my lad was born on a Tuesday, which also happened to be St Georges day so we call him George"
The Scotsman said "Thats a coincidence, my lad was born on a Tuesday and it was St Andrews day, so we called him Andrew"
The Irishman said "Well it sure is a coincidence because my lad was also born on a Tuesday, in fact here he is now" he then shouted "Oy Pancake over here "

A blonde lady was driving along the road when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says 'if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over.'

Why is the computer like a vagina?

You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his
grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the
room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that, as soon as you
croak, we're going to Disney World!"

Bloke walks into his house with a big Duck under his arm.

He walks into the living room to find his wife ironing.

'This is the fat pig I've been shagging for 20 years.' He says.

His wife replies 'But it's a Duck.'

'I'm talking to the Duck' :D