hiya

just add some jokes to make everyone laugh

he he ha ha :D

Two fish in a tank.......


one says "do you know how to drive this thing"?

doctor doctor
people keep saying im a bridge
well dont let them walk all over you

There was a very important submarine mission one day, and the most experienced crew were put forward to do it. However, a few days into the mission, one of the crewmembers fell ill and collapsed on the floor. All the other people on board crowded around to see what was going on until the captain was called down to see what was going on.
"Stand back!" he said, "I'm more experienced in First Aid than any of you lot. Now, it's not helping that you're all crowding around, so can you give this poor guy some room please?"

The crewman stepped back a bit.
"And for goodness sake," the captain continued, "can someone open a window and let some fresh air in?"

Knock knock ? Whos there ? Docter! Dr who? ...

Knock knock,
"who's there?"
"hype"
"hype who?"

( I poo ) get it? :)

(back to the drawing board.)

add more MORE LOL

:hihi::hihi:LEEDS UNITED NOW THERES A GOOD JOKE, :hihi::hihi:

A sadist and a masochist were out one day, when suddenly the masochist said "Hit me" and the sadist said "No I won't". And they were both satisfied...

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

This guy has a factory making components for computers and every new design gets smaller and smaller. He's doing so well he's thinking of moving into smaller premises.

Why are there so many Smiths' in the phone book?

They've all got phones

So im thinking, whys that ball getting bigger?.........then it hit me

An Iraqi footballer signs for Arsenal.On his debut he scores a hat-trick in a 3-0 win against Spurs.After the game he phones his mum to tell her the good news.She says"Well don son,i don't want to upset you,but i've got some bad news."What's that"he replies.
"Well,your dad's got carjacked,your brothers got shot,your sister's got mugged at knifepoint and your auntie's been raped,and it's all your fault"
"Why's that?" he says
"For ******* bringing us all to london"

Jose Morinhio is to market his own aftershave...............Hugo Boss

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b!tch.........................

doctor doctor im going to die in a minute ok we wil be with you
in one hour sir I got this joke of a wotsits rapper and I
know its not funny:confused::confused::confused::confused::conf used::confused:

doctor doctor im going to die in a minute ok we wil be with you
in one hour sir I got this joke of a wotsits rapper and I
know its not funny:confused::confused::confused::confused::conf used::confused:

Isn't it 'Doctor, Doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live!'
'I'll be with you in a minute.'?

Bloke in a pub with his mate starts talking about his & wifes relationship, how it's gone down hill of late.

Mate suggests having n affair but he says how do I bring this up, well it's the 21st century says his mate, just tell her..

He goes home that night keen to get his wife on side...

"Darling, I have a great plan to get our marriage back on track, we should have an affair..." he suggests.

"Don't bother darling" she replies, "I've tried and it doesn't work"

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.... Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow....
It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.....
"Dear, Dad. ...It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.... I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children......
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself...

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren....

Love, your son,


John....:o

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk...:hihi:


I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.:rant:

David Beckham was sat in a cafe and the waitress came to take his order.
"Hello sir, what would you like?"
"Can I have a quickie please?"
Offended, the waitress slapped David on his cheek and stormed off. This left him a bit bemused, so he flagged down another waitress.
"Yes sir," she said.
"I would like a quickie please."
Again, this waitress slapped him and walked off in a huff. David sat there looking at the menu whilst feeling sad and rejected.
A lady from the table next to him then leaned over and said, "I think you'll find it's pronounced 'quiche'."

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
pounds for dinner.


I took out my purse, got out £10.00 and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?'


'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.


'No, I don't waste time shopping, 'the homeless woman said. 'I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive. '


'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are You NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. 'I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!'


'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight'.


The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that?


I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'


I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine!'

A man was walking down the street after just buying some pork pies. A tramp came up to him and asked, "What's in your bag, sir?"
The man replied, "Pork pies. I'm just going to have my lunch."
"I'm starving," the tramp said, "and I haven't eaten in days. I'll tell you what, if I can guess how many pork pies you've got in that bag, you have to give me one of them. Does that sound fair?"
"Well," said the man, "that's impressive. If you can guess how many pork pies I've got in this bag, I'll give you both of them!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady, because she
had just gotten married...for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.



"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she'd mind
telling him a little about her first three husbands, and what they did
for a living.

She paused for a moment, reflecting on all those years. Then a smile came
to her face, and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster

when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s,

a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

"Simple," she explained "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."

What's white and flies across the sky?....






...the coming of the lord..

(ok i'll get my coat)

A bloke goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor,everytime i sneeze i get an erection",doctor says,"are you taking anything for this?",the bloke says,"yes,pepper!!!"

The Blonde in the Casino

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand pounds
on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and Yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all Blondes are
Dumb,

But all Men are Men.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSpQLsUmVQ).

a hoover salesman knocks on this womans door, she opens the door and says iam not interested, in a blink of an eye he tips a bucket of horse s**t on her hall carpet and says madame if this hoover does not pick that all up i will eat whats left, to which she replys i hope your starving mate the electric board cut me off this morning:gag::hihi::hihi::hihi:

:)
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn
from Derry, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."

:hihi::hihi:

Subject: FW: THE OLD MOTOR


The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running.

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

A farmer with a sheep under his arm walks into the bedroom, where his wife is lying in bed.
'This is the pig I have to sleep with when you are not in the mood,' he says.
His wife says, 'I think you'll find that's a sheep.'
The farmer replies, 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!'

Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions. :D

whats the difference between northern rock and heather mills?........... one is on its last legs and ***** old people for their money, the other is a building society

Did you here about the caveman, who wondered where the sun went each night. He stayed up all night, then it dawned on him.

During the divorce hearing, Heather Mills was described as "unbalanced".
McCartney suggested a beer mat under the left leg should sort it out.

A Not So Dumb Blonde Joke ... or Maybe, It's a Lawyer Joke! :D

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
:hihi:

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, a Security Guard comes out of the Supermarket and unplugs the horse.

What do you call a fly that has no wings?


>>


>>


>>


>>


A Walk

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? :roll:
Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. :D

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told hisnew wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said ittook a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a cleanhouse and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he hadgiven his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and thecooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but thenext day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, thedishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said that he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boastedthat the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean,the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on thetable every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, thesecond day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of theswelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his lefteye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and calla gardener.

Golf Accident

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:

:)



:)





:)





:)






:)




:)



'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Little boy in the bath with his mum.
Boy says... "Whats that hairy thing?"
Mum says.."Its my sponge"
Boy says..."Oh yeah Auntie Kim's got one. Ive seen her wash dads face with it".