what do men and old records have in common? They both scratch a lot

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but at least you get the remote

What do women and cucumbers have in common?

They both repeat a lot

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but at least you get the remote

Awww that's cruel!!!

A man came home andf caught his wife in bed with another man. "Hey" he shouted, "what's going on here?"

The wife retorted, "see what I mean, I told you he was stupid)

What swings through trees, and is very dangerous ?


A chimpanzee with a machine gun. :D

A sign of old age is when you feel like the morning after the night before, and you havn't even been anywhere

what do a man and the tax office have in common?

They're both impossible to get through to when you want to talk

who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two coffees and ten doughnuts

why do women have trouble parking the car?

because they're always being told that 4" is 8"

who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry two coffees and ten doughnuts

Love it!! Any body else would be facing stiff opposition... :D

Men are vainer than women though they don't use make-up

- they think they don't need it

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six. One to screw it in an the other five to brag about how he screwed it

Doctor, Doctor, I have a split personality

Well you had both better sit down then.

"please miss" said the little boy, "should a person be punished for something he didn't do?"
"No, Johnny" replied the teacher.

"oh thank you miss" he said, "because I havn't done my homework".

what's the difference between sex with a wally and a modern injection?

It's all over before you feel a thing.

The best way to tell gold is to pass a nugget round in a crowded bar. If it comes back, its not gold. :D

why do most men prefer looks to brains

most men see more clearly than they think

women are more irritable than men,

probably because more men are irritating

why do men like blonde jokes?

They can understand them

There are perks to being flat chested. I can pass for fourteen in a black out.

when a man says "I've got my reasons", he actually means "I'll think of something in a minute."

How do you keep a man busy?

put him in a round room and tell him to see in the corner.

"Just remember this" shouted the angry man, "no woman made a fool out of me"
"oh? who did then?." she calmly replied

what's the similarity between dumb men and herpes?

You can't get rid of either, once you've got them.

What's the similarity between a stupid man and an intelligent man?

They both think they know everything.

It's a well known fact that you will often see clever men with thick women, but very rarely see clever women with thick men.

what the same about clouds and men

they stick around for a while and then they pee off

why do men require instant replays on sports programmes?

they forget what happens after 30 seconds

Its O.K. to laugh in the bedroom, as long as you dont point.! :cool:

The man turned to his girlfriend and said, "oh Julie, why don't you let me know when you have an orgasm?"

"I would but you're never there."

what's the similarity between men and toilets?


They're either vacant, engaged or full of s**t

What's the definition of a boring man?

Here today and here tomorrow

God must have been disappointed in Adam, he made Eve so different

How do you know when a plane load of women have flown in?
when the engine stops and the whining carries on

Where do women like to go on holiday?
Belgium it's the most densely populated country in europe

How do you know when your wife is dead
when the sex get's better

Men's joke:P
How do you know when your wife has left you ?

The sex is still the same but the pots have piled up;):D

Another bloke joke:P

My wife asked me if I could mend her watch,I said no,I told her there's still a clock on the cooker if she wanted to know the time.:P;):D

Waiter, do you serve crabs at this restuarant ?


Yes Sir, we serve anyone.!!:D

How do you make a mans eyes light up?

Shine a torch in his ear.....

Waiter, do you serve crabs at this restuarant ?


Yes Sir, we serve anyone.!!:D


Your'e up early:)

How do you know when your wife is at home?

When the lights are on and you can see clear daylight through her ears

what eight words are said by more men, whatever their age?

"If you really loved me , you'd do it"

A father was talking to his son on the eve of his son's marriage.
He said, "Son, at the beginning it's tri-weekly, then ten years on it's try weekly, and once your silver wedding anniversary arrives, it's try weakly".

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,

"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but
this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.



The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and
then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"



The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."



MORAL OF THE STORY:



Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them.

Best one on the thread Joan :D

How can you tell when your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but at least you get the remote.

How can you tell when your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but at least you get the remote.

Are you going to work your way through them all again? :D

Are you going to work your way through them all again? :D

have I said this before, you shouldn't be checking you know, just enjoy the moment;)

Sister Joseph stripped off her habit
And made frantic love to the abbot,
Then pausing for breath,
Cried " A fate worth than death"
Is to die without once, having had it.!! :D



Oh, dear should this be under the Limericks ?

have I said this before, you shouldn't be checking you know, just enjoy the moment;)

Have I said this before, any comic worth their salt expects to be heckled from time to time!

Oh, dear should this be under the Limericks ?

I think it should Pat. Don't you? :hihi:

Man and woman laying in bed together and its on their 25th wedding anniversay. the woman says "25 years ago we were lying in bed on our honeymoon, what were you thinking"
The man says "I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and fxxk you stupid"
The womans "well now after all this time, what are you thinking now"
The man says "I think I did a wonderful job"

Why is a man like a bad violin player?

They both sit there scratching away instead of learning to use their instruments properly.

Lady Challerton called for her manservant.

"Jeeves," she said, "take off my shoes, take off my coat, take off my dress, take off my stockings, and take off my bra and lacy knickers. Now Jeeves, one more thing, I don't ever want to see you wearing them again."

Why is a man like a bad violin player?

They both sit there scratching away instead of learning to use their instruments properly.


Nice one :hihi:

Well, at least it's the first time you've used it :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Nice one :hihi:

Well, at least it's the first time you've used it :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

is that a double entendre?:P

is that a double entendre?:P

The best comics need a skilled heckler to play off, Cressie. And you're shining right now. :)

better quit while I'm ahead now?

A wife came back form the doctor's smiling broadly.
"Guess what the doctor said? I have the body of a 25 year old."
"Oh yeah!" replied the husband jealously, "and what did he say about your 50 year old a**e?"
"Oh, we didn't have time to talk about you".

An old man passed a young boy sitting on a park bench, crying inconsolably. He sat down next to him and asked, "What's up young fella, why are you crying?"

The young boy sobbed, "It's because I can't do what the big boys do."

And the old man started crying too.

A woman went for a job in a lemon grove.
"What makes you think you can pick lemons?" asked the foreman.
"I've been married three times," she replied.:hihi::hihi::hihi:

I was walking along a small bridge. And this beautiful woman was walking towards me, I wondered whether too block her entrance or toss myself off. :hihi: