Is this a good poem?

PLEASE NOTE: its not complete, still working on it.

Twas the eve of Christmas
And the whole town was silent
However, somewhere in the distance
Moved something, very fast and violent.

For it was Santa Claus
In his big red sleigh
Shouting rather merrily,
Things like yahoo! And wahey!

This was no ordinary Santa,
For this one had his music pumping
Jingle Bells was playing
So loud the sleigh was jumping.

As he sped through the town
Speed cameras were flashing
This Santa was certainly different
Some might say he was rather dashing!

That is just "The night before Christmas" paraphrased and not particularly well either! :nono:

What, didnt understand lol probably me being dumb :)

You have rewritten someone else's poem by changing some of the words slightly!

For example: The Night before Christmas starts:

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse.

It was a good poem! Did you write it? Ever think of publishing it?

I may have taken inspiration from the night before christmas poem wendy but i didnt mean to copy it I just wrote what I thought of.

And thanks tigress, i havent finished it yet, still busy, i'll add the final version sometime soon...

Maybe you didn't intend to copy it but unfortunately it is too similar to count as anything other than plagiarism sorry but I felt I should point it out as you could land yourself in serious trouble if you tried to publish it as your own work. As it is taken from an already published work it breaches copyright law we couldn't have you getting into trouble could we!:D

The only similarity to 'The Night Before Christmas' that I can see are a few consecutive words. The rhythm doesn't even sound the same.

Now if it had read like this:

Twas the calm eve of Christmas
But the hush didn’t last
For somewhere in the distance
Summat moved very fast.

It was jolly old Santa
On his big bright, red sleigh
And merrily shouting
Things like 'yahoo!' and 'wahey!'

then I would have said it was similar.

Go for it Viper:thumbsup:

Originally posted by markham
The only similarity to 'The Night Before Christmas' that I can see are a few consecutive words. The rhythm doesn't even sound the same.


Unfortunately it doesn't go on rhythm though Markham it goes on words and theme! The theme is the same as are some of the words. Anyhow, I'm not a literary critic or a publisher so what does it matter what I say - I'm just pointing out something that could be of importance should viper try to publish it!

Thanks guys I'll keep it all in mind, by the way this is just a poem i was writing for some coursework but after the good feedback I might pass it on to some publishing agencies and see what they think, you never know!:P

Don't get your hopes up. It doesn't scan.

Originally posted by Viper_GTSR
Thanks guys I'll keep it all in mind, by the way this is just a poem i was writing for some coursework but after the good feedback I might pass it on to some publishing agencies and see what they think, you never know!:P

:D You can try but they will pick up on the similarities - if I do they will - I don't know much poetry at all really only did a little in English Lit. However, for coursework you should get a good mark but again the tutor may pick up on the same points so take to keep the similarities to a minimum! :thumbsup:

Just as a matter of interest what course are you doing?

Just general english, Year 9 lol :)

well done viper.
You are coming along. It's good to use existing poetry/prose in an ironic sense as you do.

Funny is sometimes making 11 verses of polite stuff and then having something disgusting in the last one. Or a swear word.

Don't stop. Keep writing.

Markham's verse is more slick but would be better without the coloquial.

I like to write verse and put a couple of nonsense words in there, but not on key sylables that's too obvious.

I find that nicely pi$$ed is a good place to get inspiration for songs or lyrics. Write it down and you can make it better tommorow.

I don't know if anyone's advice will ever do you any good. But ask as much as you like :wave:

Originally posted by Viper_GTSR
Just general english, Year 9 lol :)

Well in that case then I think you are doing extremely well and there is no way you would have known anything I said before. :blush: Keep it up your teachers will let you know what you can do, just try not to use too many ideas from other poems - when I did English Lit (at A level) we were told to base our poems on life - things that happened to us etc.

Hope this helps:thumbsup:

This might give you some inspiration viper!

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7880&highlight=Poem

It's not very good
It's a bit out of joint
But read it regardless
You might get the point.

:thumbsup:

you should make sure the line lengths on each line are the same. For example, if the second lines in each verse contain the same number of syllables, and the third etc, the poem will flow more smoothly

IMHO I think for a yr 9 you did a brilliant job. Having the ability to use the style of someone elses work is clever.
Plagiarism is wrong yes, but then mimic comic artists are doing that and doing a good job, imitation has it's own value.
Perhaps you could write a contrasting piece, which demonstrates that you can write to your own agenda.
Stick with it and count yourself lucky that you are so capable already, I meet many people in my line of work who could not write or sometimes even read what you have created.

Well, some might suggest plagiarism but you could easily say it was an homage, satirical comment or pastiche, all of which are valid forms.

For example, the other day I suggested as an alternative Christmas song 'Santa Clause is gunning you down' from Futurama - clearly taken from Santa Clause is coming to town' but funny and witty in it's own way.

As Picasso said....good artists copy, great artists steal...:)

Pritchard's addition to that is '..and geniuses get someone else to do teh stealing.' :)

Seriously, keep it up - though not a poet (and don't I know it), all writing's the same. The more you do, the better you get.

BTW - I'm getting a list of folks interested in story writing together for a first meeting in the New Year - the 'sign up' site is at :

www.storytellers.curious-hosting.co.uk

Joe

Thanks, dont worry about it Wendy i understand :)

The poems in soon but I'm not sure when it will be marked, I'll post what I get when I get it!

Originally posted by markham
This might give you some inspiration viper!

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7880&highlight=Poem

It's not very good
It's a bit out of joint
But read it regardless
You might get the point.

:thumbsup:

That poems amazing, we might be in for a world record here!

the poem is ok, but I do rekon it really does sound like a rip off of the other poem... then again I cant comment cus all my poetry is really random lol

you can read some of mine here:

http://www.xafiers-home.com/poems.html

they're all about random subjects that pop into my head... I've got more scribbled on paper in random places that I need to type up when I find them... lol

This is probably the worst poem I've ever read. It's like something a 6 year old child would write. . . a particularly unimaginative one at that.

No disrespect Xafier but yours on par with this effort too.

Originally posted by Lestat
This is probably the worst poem I've ever read. It's like something a 6 year old child would write. . . a particularly unimaginative one at that.

Always a good idea to read the thread for as long as your attention span allows, before posting!

Originally posted by markham
This might give you some inspiration viper!

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7880&highlight=Poem

It's not very good
It's a bit out of joint
But read it regardless
You might get the point.

:thumbsup:

That was a great thread!

Criticism, is literally about offering a value judgement or interpretation - being a critic, using critical thinking, evaluating critical points etc.

I'd say you need to work on the rhyming scheme and rhythm. read it to yourself aloud, try and see where it fits and where it doesn't. note those points and go back and work over them. Don't be afraid to scrub large sections (just put lines through them, don't erase anything you write (unless you really want it deleted cos its too personal or whatever)); and work on paper with a pen. It's just too easy to lose rough ideas and thoughts by working straight onto the computer.

Just my €0.02!

Originally posted by Phanerothyme
Always a good idea to read the thread for as long as your attention span allows, before posting!


He asked if it was any good or not? . . I answered.:loopy:

Originally posted by Lestat
He asked if it was any good or not? . . I answered.:loopy:

Isn't it. is it absolutely bad? By what measure do you define good? What's wrong with it? What is right with it? What would you do to improve it, since if you have the wherewithal to have an opinion, then you have the ability to make critical judgements - why not share those as well, rather than simply their bald outcome?

Also, I am on a mission to encourage, where appropriate, longer posts than the simple one and two liners. sosumi.

The reason I use short answers is because people tend to get bored of reading long drawn out, over the top theories about poems, the world, space and everything. . . like some people do on here:rolleyes:

Please dont assume to me what I do and dont know about, I can give judgement when asked and I can give advice when asked. I dont need to write ten columns about why my thinking is as it is on a subject when most of the people on the same thread tend to agree with me that it was either copied, stolen or re-written from another popular xmas poem.

The simple fact that so many people are giving advice shows that it cant really be such a great work of art.

Thank you.

Just seen a Pedigree 'Jumbones' advert and they use the 'Night Before Christmas' poem word for word [first verse], and just changed the words for the second verse. Someone's probably got paid a fortune for that 5 minutes of work!

There's also a song by Elvis entitled 'It's now or never' to the exact tune of 'O Solo Mio (sp!)... and Tony Christie had a hit with 'So deep is the night' to some old classical tune. Somebody made a fortune in both cases........so Viper's offering is in line with the norm, and seems acceptable.:thumbsup:

Originally posted by Lestat
This is probably the worst poem I've ever read. It's like something a 6 year old child would write. . . a particularly unimaginative one at that.

No disrespect Xafier but yours on par with this effort too.

Thanks for that lovely insult, would love to read some of your amazing poetry sometime :) I'd really like to meet the 6 year olds that you meet, because personally, I've never met a 6 year old that writes poetry, and certainly not on a personal level like the majority of the stuff I write is...

anyways, I'm not fussed whether people like or dislike my poetry, I dont write it to impress people, I write them when I'm bored or got random subjects on my mind... poetry is about expression of thoughts and feelings in my oppinion... if you express your thoughts/feelings or get your point accross then its good poetry

lol true, considering i only spent 10 minutes writing it i think its not too bad!:clap:

Well Viper,

I've just read your poem to the wife, and believe me she's very critical, but she thinks it's very good (depending on how it's read) and she's very surprised to hear it was written by a year 9 pupil.

Well done :thumbsup: :thumbsup: