Well here’s my contribution to the May theme, it’s a bit of a spooky with a bit of humour, and as an added bonus I’ve slipped in an oxymoron, (Oh Arrr! Coyleys found a new word).

"Trapped." (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1179603014.doc)

This is a very clever idea for a story, Mick. Well thought out, and interesting to read.

Nice twist at the end of the story, and chillingly written. Quite a spooky strory.

Hi,

Very good story Mick. Beats my bear story.

I'll have to have another try: Something more gripping perhaps.

Regards

Enjoyed the pace of the narrative and the prose style.

Found the paragraph formatting a bit odd and distracting though.

Also thought the last paragraph was a little out of place, but I've never been one for such twists (but know that lots of people do like them!)

Creepy! And cleverly constructed! Surely the final paragraph is necessary to make sense of what's gone before - for readers like me, anyway. You must be far cleverer than I, RedWizard!

I didn't spot the oxymoron, but then I forgot to check what that is in the dictionary first :hihi:

Very good. A nice twist at the end. However, I wonder about the choice of the name Marley; was this in homage to Dickens, or just to confuse the reader?

I enjoyed reading that one, coyleys. :) :thumbsup:

Very good. A nice twist at the end. However, I wonder about the choice of the name Marley; was this in homage to Dickens, or just to confuse the reader?

You’re the only one who spotted it; all the names are from “A Christmas Carol”
Thanks for the comments every one.
And nice to have you onboard RedWizard.

Nice story Mick!

I really enjoyed reading that one, VERY spooky! but had to read it twice before I spotted the oxymoron (“The deafening sound of silence” right?) Nice touch with the Christmas carol characters, I did spot Mr Marley.

Here’s a Mantaspook improvement checklist (you should be used to this by now!)

(1) The first paragraph (“Jacob aroused from his slumber”) could be made a lot punchier and to the point: “Jacob awoke with a start, banging his head on something in the darkness; he was drenched in sweat, all the air had gone…and the heat! In the confined space he fought to free his arms from his sides, his knuckles banged against something, running his fingers over the smooth wooden surface above him the realisation of where he was struck him. In a coffin!

(2) Paragraph 5 (“Jacob’s mind came back to reality…”) was a bit messy, too many question marks and not enough answers, I understand you are trying to convey his confusion at the predicament he is in but I think it could have been done like this:

“The vision of heaven faded and Jacob realised he was still in the coffin, his mind raced, there was no escape, was this punishment for a former sin? A final penance? or merely the gross incompetence of an inept doctor that had signed his death certificate without checking? Bitter tears of frustration welled up in him, he shouted, long and loud, it was a while before his brain acknowledged what his heart already knew…there was a ton of earth above him. No one could hear him.”

(3) This sentence is a bit rough: “…whilst whistling ‘always look on the bright side of life’(Python) to herself” alter to “ Susan whistled to herself, an incongruous little tune called ‘always look on the bright side of life’ – she wondered if the morgues residents would have thought she was been disrespectful. Maybe they would have smiled at the gallows humour…”

(4) Susan is referred to as “Mrs Dilber” then back to Susan again, for no good reason, this confuses the reader and it would have been better to just refer to her as Susan.

(5) There is a bit of unintentional humour in this line: “After seven hectic years as head mortician at Doncaster Royal Infirmary” – Doncaster have a mortician JUST FOR HEADS? :hihi: It may have been better to call her the chief mortician.

(6) This line “The mourners slowly started to dissipate” would be better altered to “The crowd of mourners slowly started to dissipate” for obvious reasons. (Pedantry and reading things too literally been the most obvious :D )

(7) I agree with TheRedWizard that the final paragraph appears to be tacked on as an afterthought, although it is vital as it explains why the corpse came back to life. I’d suggest losing the paper altogether and end the story like this:

“As he walked back to the waiting hearse an airliner passed low overhead, the airport must have been reopened after the horrific crash, Tom’s original flight had crashed three miles from touchdown. There were no survivors.

Except him.”

Off at a slight tangent, in one of my former jobs I turned up at work several hours early to open up just as a British Oxygen lorry was passing so he pulled up, basically this a large truck with a huge tank of liquid oxygen on the back that was pumped into our factories tanks at weekly intervals.

He explained that he was new to the job and had got lost, but he was scheduled to deliver to us later that day and when he saw me pull up he asked if he could deliver early, naturally I agreed and went in the office to put the kettle on.

Anyway the driver didn’t operate the valves properly and during the refilling one was left open, Oxygen vented out at high speed, it sounded just like an enormous, very p***** off snake.

I ran to the office door and immediately thought I was at 30,000 feet above the clouds! The entire yard was filled with billowing clouds of water vapour that had condensed when the cold oxygen had hit the air. Thank God the fire we normally had in the yard had gone out!

The driver tried to look nonchalant but I had absolutely no difficulty spotting the oxy-moron on that occasion!

Hi Mantas.

Glad you liked it, and yep you got the oxymoron, I did like your oxy-moron pun at the end.

Here’s a Mantaspook improvement checklist (you should be used to this by now!)
Yep! I’m used to them by now and they are most welcome and appreciated thanks.


(Comments 1 and 2) Yep! I agree “A bit messy” I’ll rework it, with the exception of “smooth wooden surface and in a coffin” at that point Jacob only assumed he was in a coffin, he was actually in the fridge, hence the something hard and cold. Also I didn’t want to give the plot away too early.

(Comment 4) yep! Agree again, Mrs Dilber was an after thought, when making the names Dickensian.

Thanks again, Mantas and all whom suggested corrections. :thumbsup: (bang goes the gold star):(