What are everyones favourite insults?

Being a grumpy old fart and receiving many an insult myself I would be interested to hear others?

Im quite fond of " Your thick as a whale omlette"

Originally posted by stoatboy

Im quite fond of " Your thick as a whale omlette"

A line from the Blackadder 3, if I'm not mistaken.

I like Texas Sayings myself. There's a whole bunch of them here (http://www.texasmonthly.com/archive/sayings/).

Truffle Hunting Swamp Donkey!!!!

Bartender to Winston Churchill..

"Churchill, you're drunk."

Churchill..

"Yes madam, and you're ugly, but tomorrow i'll be sober!"

Originally posted by rincewind
Bartender to Winston Churchill..

"Churchill, you're drunk."

Churchill..

"Yes madam, and you're ugly, but tomorrow i'll be sober!"

Bartender?!? Wasn't it Lady Astor who was the recipient of Winnie's famous insult?

I love random insults... my favourites at the moment are nobjockey, arsebandit and *******... I probably use loads more during the average day, especially around my Uni mates :P

Lady Astor said to Churchill: "if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee"

Churchill replied: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it"

GEORGE BERNARD SHAW about (?)
"She had lost the art of conversation but not, unfortunately, the power of speech."

Originally posted by mojoworking
Bartender?!? Wasn't it Lady Astor who was the recipient of Winnie's famous insult?

No it was Bessy Braddock MP a Labour member for Liverpool. As someone has pointed out Lady Aster made the coffee remark.

Funny Insults

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

I've seen more life in a down and out's vest.

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'

Lady Astor said to Churchill: "if I were your wife I'd put poison in your coffee"

Churchill replied: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it"

I think his best was to Besse Bradock MP "Sir, you are drunk." "Indeed, Madam, and you are ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober." ...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.


Groucho Marx

WOW somebody got bored

Depending on circumstances...

"I wonder if there are trees on his planet."

"If only we had two of him, we could make a long plank."

"He thinks he's a wit - and, to be fair, he's half-right."

not exactly a insult but good.


Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

Groucho Marx

You are a big head,
Yes,
But it will still fit in your mouth.

Another of Churchill's;

The great man was occupied in his bathroom when his equerry knocked at the door, saying the Lord Privy Seal wished to see him. Churchill replied;

"Tell the Lord Privy Seal I am sealed in my privy and can only deal with one sh*t at a time."

A great put-down I once heard, "What he knows about repairing cars would fill a book.......................sadly what he doesn't know would fill a ruddy library!"

You've got a gob like the Channel Tunnel tannoy system!

You have a face like Louis Armstrong's voice.

Look down there... see that yellow brick road? FOllow it all the way and when you get there ask the nice man for a brain.

Jean Harlow and Margot Asquith in the late 1920's

Jean Harlow kept calling Margot Asquith "MargoT" (pronouncing the T) to wind her up.

Margot Asquith's response:

"No Jean dear, the T in Margot is silent, just like in Harlow".

I was once stranded in a hotel, due to an accident on the motorway.

An off duty policeman aproached me and said " Fancy a S.........g ?"

I replied " I do actually but not with you"

I never saw him again.

What are everyones favourite insults?

Being a grumpy old fart and receiving many an insult myself I would be interested to hear others?

Im quite fond of " Your thick as a whale omlette"

"I spit on you mustache"

Try it sometime, its a cracker.

Bartender?!? Wasn't it Lady Astor who was the recipient of Winnie's famous insult?

Yes, I believe though he called her a "shrew".

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

or."i guess your mother was a weight lifter, she must have been,to raise a dumb bell like you "

Bellend is a fave if mine.

Were your parents siblings?

" Your as much use as a chocolate fireguard"
"Where you born stupid or did you have to work at it"
"its not true what people say about you...you ARE funny"
"Somewhere a village is missing an idiot"
"Your a sandwich short of a picnic"
"You are like genitle warts...they never go away neither"

the missus was laughing at me the other week cos twice i called our pet rats knobheads :D

sir if the internet was a village you would be its idiot:)

reminds me of a put down joke .........

ex husband finds himself at the same family function as his ex missis and her new husband. Trying to act all superior he goes sidling over to the new husband and asks ........ "dont you mind sleeping with used goods?" .... to which the new husband replies, "no, after the first 3" its brand new"

As a portly lad I was called a fat son without a father by a creature who decided to big it up in front of his mates. Borrowing from Shane Warne "True" I replied "But I'm only so fat because every time I shag your mum she gives me a biscuit".

Never screw with a fat lad whose mouth is bigger than his belly :D

This is a great insult :

You look like my pet ferrit

I *think* it was Jean Harlow who upon being let through a door by a certain man, and being told "Age before beauty", replied with "Pearls before swine". :hihi:

Though my dad did the best thing ever after him and his friend were followed in the car for 7 miles by this idiot tailgater. When they got into town there was a huge queue at the traffic lights and he got out and opened the boot. The tailgater hurled some abuse and wanted to know why he'd opened the boot so he told him: "You've been trying to get in it for the past 7 miles, I thought I'd make it easier for you." :hihi:

I think it was Dorothy Parker who said, when seeing a famous actress, "There goes the good time that's had by everyone"
She also said "That woman can speak 18 lanuages and can't say no in any of them!":hihi:

Lowdowngoodfornothinyellerbelliedstool

or

scrubber

''You lie like the stinking, syphilitic hyaena that spawned you'' is a personal favourite.

"Stop your foul whining, you filthy piece of distended rectum." - A.J. Rimmer

They ruined a perfectly good bum when they put teeth in your mouth

If brains were dynamite he would have enough to blow a fag out of his gob



I was once out town when I saw a bloke who I used to know ages back who was a bit of a toxxer. He was there dressed up shirt tie and a suit and all that and I went up and said to him"I see your mums got her new catalogue then"

Christopher Hitchens on Reverend Jerry Falwell's death last year:

"If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox."

:)

I micturate on your onions. You jizzmonkey.

Your like a midget with dyslexia your not big and your not clever

I am not going to enter into a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed

eww you smell of soot and poo-salad fingers

The best insults are the subtle ones, and prove that bad language is not necessary.
Churchill`s were particularly good.

One I remember was said of a famous actress `She can run the whole gamut of emotions from A to B`

I'd like to insult you but nature beat me to it.

The best insults are the subtle ones, and prove that bad language is not necessary.
Churchill`s were particularly good.

One I remember was said of a famous actress `She can run the whole gamut of emotions from A to B`

That one's usually given to Dorothy Parker, I think.

1. I'd have a battle of wits with you.....but you appear to be unarmed.....
2. When you were born....the midwife slapped your mother!
3. I'd ask how old you are....but I doubt you can count that high.
4. Don't let your mind wander.....it's far too small to be out on its own

That one's usually given to Dorothy Parker, I think.

Correct, but I'm blest if I can remember who she was insulting. (I believe the "good time that's had by all" was Jean Harlow, but I could be wrong.)

She also, when informed that President Calvin Coolidge had died, remarked "how can they tell?"

That one's usually given to Dorothy Parker, I think.

A quick google says she was referring to Katherine Hepburn

My favourite insult was simple 'Nob' but now I have my little one I am careful what I say......I'd be sooooo embarrassed if I had a 2 year old running around shouting 'nob' :o

cock.
its short sweet and stright to the point.:D

unfortunatly, i have to deal with a lot of cocks in my line of work:hihi:

cock.
its short sweet and stright to the point.:D

unfortunatly, i have to deal with a lot of cocks in my line of work:hihi:

Similar to mine......short and hits the spot - yeee haaa!

cock.
its short sweet and stright to the point.:D

unfortunatly, i have to deal with a lot of cocks in my line of work:hihi:



cannot believe how that sounds lmao. i dont supose it would sound any better id i said i worked in customer services:hihi::hihi:

cock.
its short sweet and stright to the point.:D

unfortunatly, i have to deal with a lot of cocks in my line of work:hihi:



cannot believe how that sounds lmao. i dont supose it would sound any better id i said i worked in customer services:hihi::hihi:

I was thinking that you might be a farmer..........:)

oh gosh this is soooooooooo funny really made me laugh i love the midget one lolololol

I've just tidied this thread up. Please refrain from swearing, even swearing with *** as this isn't permitted. Keep it clean. It's a family forum. Thanks folks.

I've just tidied this thread up. Please refrain from swearing, even swearing with *** as this isn't permitted. Keep it clean. It's a family forum. Thanks folks.That's an insult in itself. Anyway here it is in unfunny censored version.

And now the vegetarian option. Go away please.

(Not Frankie Boyle on Mock the Week.)

That's an insult in itself.

Really? Sorry if I've offended! :D ;)

"It's better to be a smartass than a dumbass. You might want to try it sometime!"

"What's on your mind? (If you can forgive the overstatement)"

" "Innit"?! God, you chavs should get jobs as butchers - you've had plenty of practice with the English language!"

This one obviously doesn't apply to me, but: "I've burst bras that put up a better struggle than you!"

"Be nice to you? *laughs* Oh, you're serious... let me laugh harder!"

"We all have the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the priviledge!"

"I need to borrow your face for a few days while my butt goes on holiday!"

LOOOOOL luving em keep em cumming i even laughed whilst at work hehe.

check out the shakespearean insult generator : http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/

cock.
its short sweet and stright to the point.:D

unfortunatly, i have to deal with a lot of cocks in my line of work:hihi:

What about cock-sniffer?

What about cock-sniffer?

lmao... that is even better than cock. cheers tea, i just got me a whole new improved insult :hihi: :hihi:





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