my mum died exactly a year ago a week before my 17th birthday. she had lung cancer. im still finding it very hard to deal with it and cant seem to go to her grave. i didnt spend enough time with her before she died and still feel guilty. is anyone else going though this and how do you cope?

Sorry you are feeling this way. Sending a big hug.
Have you tried CRUSE counselling?
Is there anyone you can talk to about this?

www.cruse.org.uk

Sorry you are feeling this way. Sending a big hug.
Have you tried CRUSE counselling?
Is there anyone you can talk to about this?


As Simone said, you need to have some good bereavement counselling. You also need to talk to a close relative about your feelings, someone you can trust.

My Sincere condolences on the loss of your mum, HUG for you.

thank you , it sounds silly but i cant bring myself to talk to anyone, at first i could but now it seems harder. my dad has a new girlfriend and it is impossible to talk to him. i tried counseling but found it no help.

my mum died exactly a year ago a week before my 17th birthday. she had lung cancer. im still finding it very hard to deal with it and cant seem to go to her grave. i didnt spend enough time with her before she died and still feel guilty. is anyone else going though this and how do you cope?

Yes, my mum died two years ago, but she was 96. It was a peaceful death, and she wanted to go, but I was very depressed for about a year afterwards.Time is the healer, and you must not feel guilty. One day dawns, and you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Im so sorry for you pet :( My two kids were of a similar age to you when their dad died a couple of years ago (one was 18 and the other 14). Its a terribly difficult time for everyone concerned and you may need help to come to terms with it.
Have you tried bereavment counselling? I know counselling dosnt help everyone but I dont know how my daughter would have got through the last two years without it! Somewhere like the Cavendish Centre has counsellors who deal specifically with people who have been affected by cancer. If you want more details PM me and Ill be glad to help :)
I think one of the main things to remember is that everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace, and whats 'normal' for someone else may not be so for you.
As I said, if you want any more info or help please feel free to PM me
Blessed be pet :)

This girl needs counselling as she is so young. Every little helps, I say.:)

Hi fandl. I lost my sister when she was 12, 4 years ago this week. I cant imagine what you are going through losing your mum when you were so young. I have realised people deal with losing a loved one diffrently and no way is wrong. One thing that helps me is i wear a necklace that reminds me of her. It may be a small thing but to me it is massive. Little things are sometimes needed as you sometimes fear you will forget them. You will never forget them but it is a worry all the same. Another thing is being told you will get over it in time. Well in all honesty i dont believe you do. I believe coping with everyday life gets a bit easier and you start to smile again but you dont get over it. What i do hope you can look forward to is the day when you think of your mum and smile. The happy times you remember about your mum and the mum you knew not the poorly mum. It is something i look forward to about my sister. Another thing that helps me is that i feel exremly grateful that we were lucky enough to have my sister in our lives. Even if only for a short time. We are truly lucky to have had these wonderful people in our lives and i am grateful for everyday she was here. I hope that can prove to be of comfort to you about your mum. I hope you find the strength to come through it and the will eventually be more smiley days then sad. All my love Jenny x

thank you all for your lovley words, and i think what you said abou remembering the good times instead of the bad will be a great relief to me as when i think of my mum i think of when she was in bed and very ill. for me photos help as i see her at her best. it hurts that as time has gone by people think i am fine and talk less and less about her when i feel it is better to talk about her as to not forget the good times no matter how hard it is.

thank you all for your lovley words, and i think what you said abou remembering the good times instead of the bad will be a great relief to me as when i think of my mum i think of when she was in bed and very ill. for me photos help as i see her at her best. it hurts that as time has gone by people think i am fine and talk less and less about her when i feel it is better to talk about her as to not forget the good times no matter how hard it is.

Yes, love. Remember the good times, the happy times, and when she looked her best. You will get over it, I promise you.

Yes, my mum died two years ago, but she was 96. It was a peaceful death, and she wanted to go, but I was very depressed for about a year afterwards.Time is the healer, and you must not feel guilty. One day dawns, and you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have lost both my parents - my Mum in 1975 aged 58, and my Dad in 1999 aged 85. It doesn't matter how old or young they are, it still leaves a hole in your life, and it does take time to repair itself. I would like to endorse Pattricia's comment to you. She is absolutely right. Also, think of the wonderful times you had with your Mother (Dad too). I am sure her greatest wish for you is for you to live a happy life which is not over-tainted with sadness and grief. As Pattricia states, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are not alone in feeling like you do - there are millions worldwide experiencing the same thoughts as you. I used to think 'Why didn't I?, I ought to have'.... etc. Your Mum knows this and still loves you. Eventually the pain will go, but the wonderful memories will live forever. Take care and I do know that eventually you will come through, and you will be OK. You are a young woman with all your life ahead of you. Your Mum will want you to enjoy it.

My mom died in front of me 3 years ago aged 54 i aint seen that light yet :(

The only way you can cope is one day at a time - in your own way and at your own speed. Everybody grieves differently, but most people manage to feel guilty about something. When someone dies, you blame yourself for every wrong word, everything you never did, it's perfectly normal and you can only work through it. When my mum died of cancer, I went through guilt, grief and anger - I was bloody mad at her for dying. Just how logical is that?

If you can't talk, it might help you to write what you're feeling instead. Try the Samaritans http://www.samaritans.co.uk/talk/email.shtm. It really does help if you get the feelings out.

My partner of 34 years died 2 years ago of a heart attack, 3 days after my birthday in April. It still hurts as much, but not as often. I've had grief counselling and it helped. But what I found most helpful was a Yahoo Chat Group I joined. I won't recommend it to you, because it's a Lesbian depression group. You want to try and find a group of young people, like you.

I was 30 when my mum died, so it must be so much harder for you when you're still growing up. Find a group on Yahoo and share your feelings with them - or just read what other people say, you'll find you have a lot in common with them and it really does help to know that other people can identify with what you're feeling. It's somehow different talking to people who are in the same situation as you, rather than an "expert" who you maybe can't relate to.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Dozy

yes it does leave a huge whole that is yet to be filled. when i have a day that i dont think about her i think am i being selfish or is this a good sign? what i find is that people are scared to talk about my mum as if i will have a breakdown or somthing.

Have a look on this website too
www.rd4u.org.uk
Its especially geared towards young people who are grieving :)

I have read that a complete grieving process has seven stages and to find that light again, you need to allow the seven stages to happen and not fight them.

Things like shock, anger, sadness, acceptance, etc. all need to 'endured' and worked through to ensure a healthy life at the end of it all.

Try not to feel guilty, it will hamper your grieveing. So sorry about your mum :(

my mum died exactly a year ago a week before my 17th birthday. she had lung cancer. im still finding it very hard to deal with it and cant seem to go to her grave. i didnt spend enough time with her before she died and still feel guilty. is anyone else going though this and how do you cope?
Losing a mother is the worst thing you can go through in life - two points; I don't imagine your mum would want you to beat yourself up like this and feel guilty - she'd want you to enjoy your life especially now you are young. Also, the hardest part is over, you will never have to face this again.

Forgive yourself for what ever you feel guilty about, she has, and move forward slowly holding all the good things about your mum close to your heart. It's a beautiful struggle; this life! x

yes it does leave a huge whole that is yet to be filled. when i have a day that i dont think about her i think am i being selfish or is this a good sign? what i find is that people are scared to talk about my mum as if i will have a breakdown or somthing.

You're just feeling guilty, and for no good reason, it's all part of grief. As time passes, you'll think of her less often, but that doesn't mean you don't care, it's perfectly natural. No strong emotion, whether it's grief, anger or joy can be sustained at the same pitch for ever. When I think of my mother now, it's usually a happy thought, something will remind me of her as she was before she was ill, but it took a good few years. We all move through grief at a different rate, there is no timetable you're supposed to stick to, it's an entirely individual thing.

People not wanting to talk about your mum is perfectly natural - would you deliberately raise a subject that you know (or think) would upset somebody? Some people cannot bear to talk about their loss, and others get relief from endlessly discussing the person who has died. But it can be very difficult for other people to work out what is best to do, when they don't know how you will react. Some people want to talk about them constantly, others will go months without mentioning their name and suddenly they can cope with talking about it. You'll find that if you can mention your mum as a natural part of a conversation, people will be quite happy to follow your lead and talk about her, they just don't want to be the first to mention her in case it upsets you.

Most people seem to have difficulty in coping with strong emotions, possibly it's the "stiff upper lip" attitude that still seems quite common in this country, where you tend to be encouraged to repress feelings rather than express them. That's why I think it is so important that you make contact with other people of your own age and in the same situation. I can talk to you until I'm blue in the face, but I'm still a middle-aged, boring old fart and can't relate to, or empathise with, you in the same way that someone of your own age can.

Dozy

thank you, even though your a boring old fart as you say, you still have given me some comfort and ill take your advice and talk to someone my own age even though its true that grief does affect everyone different no matter what age.

I lost my dad almost 3 years ago when I was 29 and as people have said it doesn't matter how old you are losing a parent is a devastating psychological blow. If it hasn't happened to you you don't understand what its like.

You will recover from this when you recover from it. All the counselling in the world might not make a difference but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try it.

You're 17 now, these are your formative years, the years when you will become the person you want to be. Don't waste them grieving. If you're mum were here she'd want to know you were happy and doing what you want to do. All the tears you have and more won't bring her back. Your mum is dead, you are not.

Its tough to deal with, I struggled to come to terms with it and I was a decade older then you. You will learn to cope. you won't forget her. It wasn't your fault. Cancer is a killer, it took my dad and your mum. It'll take other peoples parents and they won't be to blame either. Live your life. thats the only but the best advice I can give. PM me if you want or need to. I'll help in any way I can

So sorry to hear of your bereavement It may be an old cliche but time does heal, remeber the good and happy times you had together. It is not unusual for the breaeved to continue talking to the departed. Try talking about it to trusted friends. a cruse breavement counsellor, contact the person who took the funeral You never forget your parents mine died several years ago but you learn to cope with the loss. My thoughts are with you at this time

My mom died in front of me 3 years ago aged 54 i aint seen that light yet :(

I know how you feel. It took me a few years and tears to finally settle down again. My Dad died in my arms eight years ago. There was just him and me.

Losing a mother is the worst thing you can go through in life - two points; I don't imagine your mum would want you to beat yourself up like this and feel guilty - she'd want you to enjoy your life especially now you are young. Also, the hardest part is over, you will never have to face this again.

Forgive yourself for what ever you feel guilty about, she has, and move forward slowly holding all the good things about your mum close to your heart. It's a beautiful struggle; this life! x

Good advice.

my mum died exactly a year ago a week before my 17th birthday. she had lung cancer. im still finding it very hard to deal with it and cant seem to go to her grave. i didnt spend enough time with her before she died and still feel guilty. is anyone else going though this and how do you cope?

Sorry for your loss, fandl, I have had all the feelings that you and everyone else who has posted in here so far, but for my Grandma.

There has been some great advice so far..... you find it hard to talk to people, so it's nice to get reactions in here where someone isn't staring you in the face telling you to open up, and realise you're not on your own.

The highlighted bit stuck out for me. Guilt is tremendously destructive, believe me.

My guilt is never telling my Grandma I loved her. Yours might be similar, it might not be.
If it is, forget it, your Mum would have lived every minute of her life loving you, and knowing you felt the same, but you maybe didn't show it how you now wish you had.. showing emotions is hard enough as an adult let alone a teenager, and Mums know this.

As for the grave visit, imagine the situation was reversed, she would probably find it as hard, because it is facing a reality that you don't want to face. Don't beat yourself up.....

I'm rambling, sorry

hope this thread helps you....ash

your Mum would have lived every minute of her life loving you, and knowing you felt the same, but you maybe didn't show it how you now wish you had.. showing emotions is hard enough as an adult let alone a teenager, and Mums know this.
Very wise words Ash and very true, all mums know how hard it is for teenagers to deal with emotions (i speak from experience here) and not only that facing that someone you love has cancer is a very hard thing to do at any age, let alone when your so young and your feelings are already all over the place, your mum will have known this, and i am sure she wouldn't have wanted you to be there constantly and upset all the time, she loved you and love is wanting the loved one to be happy.

As for the grave visit, imagine the situation was reversed, she would probably find it as hard, because it is facing a reality that you don't want to face. Don't beat yourself up.....

I'm rambling, sorry

hope this thread helps you....ash
I can honestly say that my Dad died over 10 years ago and i have never been to his grave, not because i don't care, but because i do not want to think of him like that, my Dad lives in my heart and there he is just as he always was before he was ill with cancer, and i remember him there as an whole person good and bad.
I am not saying that you shouldn't go to your Mums grave but just that you have to deal with it in your own way, and a year is not long either to come to terms with it.
I am a Mum and i know that yours would want you to deal with things in a way that makes you feel better and happy, she wouldn't want you to waste your life away feeling guilty and sad.

I do so feel for you Fandl and wish you well. It’s over 10 years since my parents died but I still remember what it feels like. Personally, I never found it helpful to be told that “time is a great healer”. People meant well, but it didn’t help me. Recently I read about something the Queen Mum said when she’d been a widow for decades and someone asked her if the grief gets any better after so many years. Apparently her reply was: no, it doesn’t get any better, but you get better at it. Maybe that’s really only another way of saying time heals, but to me it’s a bit more honest and realistic. You’ll never forget your mum and you won’t want to. And that feeling of regret and pain that she’s not around any more will always be there – some days more in the background than others. But you can help yourself a bit by concentrating on the good times you had and reminding yourself that she was your mum. She wouldn’t have wanted you feeling guilty, or not doing something because it doesn’t feel right to have fun.

I’m the mother of a teenager myself now, so I know that my first wish is for my daughter to be happy. I don’t expect her to spend all that much time with me, teenagers want to be with their friends, but the times we do share together are very precious and I’m sure it would have been like that for your mum, too. And if you don’t feel up to visiting her grave yet, then wait until you do – even if that day never comes. Be guided by your own feelings and not what you might be thinking other people expect of you.

Sorry, I didn’t mean this to turn into a lecture and it looks like I've only repeated a lot of what everyone else has said already! I agree with the other posters that it’s a good idea to talk your feelings through with someone, be it a counsellor or a good listening friend, or the strangers on this forum (!) and not to bottle things up.

All the best.

fandl, losing someone immensely significant in your life hurts. It hurts for a long time. Often people are directed to counselling much too early in the grieving process and then can't understand why they don't feel any better. Give it another try, you may be in a better place to find comfort now.

''you find it hard to talk to people, so it's nice to get reactions in here where someone isn't staring you in the face telling you to open up, and realise you're not on your own. ''

yes i do find it hard to talk to people face to face as i have always been the type of person to bottle things up and put a brave face on it answering anybody with 'im fine' so reading everybodys responses has been a great way of letting things out without actually having to let my guards down.