OK, my first time writing in an awfully long time. The is a short piece, and a rework of something I wrote for my English GCSE.
The Letter. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1175681349.doc)
This is my worst fear :(
I liked your style with this piece of work too, kel 83
Thank you for your contribution, it's much appreciated. Well done! :thumbsup:
Nice one Kel, i like it.:thumbsup:
For your first piece in a very long time Kel83 it was written beautifully.
I did like this a lot,and you explain very well the physical closeness of another person.Well done, and hope to have more from you. :)
Well done. A letter of regret after someone dear's passing.
That was very touching and the narrator’s descent into vagrancy was done in a very subtle way, I liked the contrast between the vignette of her doing up his tie and the last line of the story.
There is just one line I would consider changing and it’s this one:
“That small, secret smile he had for me when I was spilling verbal diarrhoea all over him.”
Replace with something like: “That small secret smile when I had too much to drink and would talk all night long.”
This would hint at a possible cause for her vagrancy yet still retain the subtlety.
An additional device you could use is:
“But all I can do is hang around this old, rotten cemetery, talking all day to a stone” – this links with the earlier hint, as the readers know she talks rubbish when drunk so it is implied she is drunk in the cemetery.
But that’s just an example, I think your comment about the pen & paper in the last line conveys the same message in a more subtle way so I’d leave the ending alone and let the reader make the connection.
Ah, but has she descended into vagrancy, or is there another reason she can't leave...?
Thanks for the concrit!
Concrit? :hihi: Makes me sound like something from the mafia. (I’ll concrit yer story and it’ll sleep with the fishes…)
Like I said, subtle story, I attributed the narrator’s feelings of loss meaning she was the one that got left behind, but I can see how this could be reversed, surely someone would have been able to sell her a pen and paper though - a local pub? Maybe one that serves spirits? :)
Yeah, I like that! One that serves spirits lol. I'm going to have another look at it and see if I can put that in, it's brilliant!