I am at the moment sat woundering if im doing the right thing or if im just upsetting my baby sister.Out of all my sisters me and my 18 year old sister are closest.She has recently been asking about her dad and wants to find him.We have diffrent dads.I have been saying if she wants to find him then she should ask mum,and i'v been supporting her.But last night she asked me why my mum and her dad splitt.I told her thats for mum and him to tell her.She then got very upset and was angry with me cos i would not say why.I can't tell her why neither do i feel it is my place.It brings back haunting memoreys and i find it hard to deal with.Her dad left when she was only a few months old.
She keeps pestering and wanting answers,but i refuse i feel she has to learn for herself.I don't want to make him look bad to stop her seeing him,he is still her dad end of day.She has to learn for herself and maybe he has changed.I really don't feel it is my place.
Am i doing right thing in keeping stum or do you think i should say why?.
charlie x x

Explain to her to that you find it difficult to talk about and that you feel it is your moms place to tell her. Can you not speak to your mom about it and tell her that your sister really needs to know now? Maybe the three of you could sit down together and discuss it? She does have a right to know about her dad no matter how bad he was and the last thing you want is her finding out from the wrong person who may not tell her the truth. It's probably obvious that she isn't going to let this go so speak to your mom about it.

Good luck, it can't be easy for you having all the memories dragged up.

Explain to her to that you find it difficult to talk about and that you feel it is your moms place to tell her. Can you not speak to your mom about it and tell her that your sister really needs to know now? Maybe the three of you could sit down together and discuss it? She does have a right to know about her dad no matter how bad he was and the last thing you want is her finding out from the wrong person who may not tell her the truth. It's probably obvious that she isn't going to let this go so speak to your mom about it.

Good luck, it can't be easy for you having all the memories dragged up.

Thanks hun,my mum is being ignorant to it.She keeps telling my sister she can see her dad but not yet.(maybe her own fears kicking in).My sister is getting agitated with that.And when she asked mum why they splitt mum told her she will have to ask her dad when she see's him.When that will be we wont know.She must think if she sweeps it under carpet and keep putting it off she will forget about it.But she is 18 and determined.I am in touch with my real dad and although he is useless at being a father i will always love him cos he is my dad.Mum couldnt wait to spill beans on her relationship with him.(he was also violant),Well i say violant my mum and dad have diffrent stories so aint a clue who is right or wrong.He is saying she had affairs and she is saying he was violant but im old enough to ignore it and carry on.charlie x x

If they both have different stories then maybe hearing it from her dad first isn't such a good thing, he may lay the blame on your mom. Can you not tell your mom that she can't ignore this anymore and that someone has to tell her the truth and you don't want to have to do that. Your sister has obviously decided that she needs to know so now it's down to your mom to decide how she's going to find out. As it isn't really good news it would be better coming from someone who loves her and will be able to cope with any anger she has when she finds out. Is there anyone else she could contact to find anything out?

If they both have different stories then maybe hearing it from her dad first isn't such a good thing, he may lay the blame on your mom. Can you not tell your mom that she can't ignore this anymore and that someone has to tell her the truth and you don't want to have to do that. Your sister has obviously decided that she needs to know so now it's down to your mom to decide how she's going to find out. As it isn't really good news it would be better coming from someone who loves her and will be able to cope with any anger she has when she finds out. Is there anyone else she could contact to find anything out?

My real dad knows where my sisters dad is he lives in kent near him.But he aint willing to involve himself.No matter how much my dad and mum hate ech other he would not do it.I know my sisters dad's sister is on genes reunited i could show her that but then i will be betraying my mum.And she will blow up at me.Im just stuck in the firing line.charlie x x

If it was me I would be giving my mother a good talking to. By keeping quiet she is putting you in a very uncomfortable position and that is not fair on you. I do not blame your dad for not getting involved, it isn't his place. If your mom still refuses to tell her then it may be that you have do it or point her in the right direction even if it does upset your mom for a while. Maybe you and your sister could see your mom together, one last attempt, just remember that it is probably very difficult for your mom to talk about.

Thanks hun will have a go.I would prefer to talk to my sister with mum.I dont want to be one to first tell her how bad her dad was (violance wise towards me and mum).charlie x

I hope it all goes smootly for you :) It can't be an easy thing to have to tell someone but with both you and your mom there for support i'm sure your sister will be fine x

I agree with kittenta. Really you need to be having a word with your mum and letting her know how this is making you feel and the situation its putting you in.

At the end of the day from what you are saying it probably isn't a good idea for your sister to hear everything from her dad and I think that you definitely should make your mum aware of what this is doing to yours and your sister's relationship.

I really do wish you all the best and luck!!

After I read your first post, I just thought, "why don't you show or tell her what you wrote in your post"?

I am at the moment sat woundering if im doing the right thing or if im just upsetting my baby sister.Out of all my sisters me and my 18 year old sister are closest.She has recently been asking about her dad and wants to find him.We have diffrent dads.I have been saying if she wants to find him then she should ask mum,and i'v been supporting her.But last night she asked me why my mum and her dad splitt.I told her thats for mum and him to tell her. She then got very upset and was angry with me cos i would not say why.
I get the impression that she is upset because you implied that you know. Yet, you choose not to tell her. Hence why she seems upset.

I can't tell her why neither do i feel it is my place.It brings back haunting memoreys and i find it hard to deal with.Her dad left when she was only a few months old.
So.. I sense that you don't know the full story. So why not tell her that you don't know the full story? It'll settle her mind at least, and it is truthful and being honest with her too. I think when someone tells you that you should ask someone else because they have a better right, makes you think that, the person knows, but he or she isn't telling. That would just wind me up too. Unless you told her that you don't know. Then she may not walk away thinking, you're holding back something.

She keeps pestering and wanting answers,but i refuse i feel she has to learn for herself.I don't want to make him look bad to stop her seeing him,he is still her dad end of day.She has to learn for herself and maybe he has changed.I really don't feel it is my place.
Am i doing right thing in keeping stum or do you think i should say why?.
charlie x x
Maybe you can tell your half-sister things which are matter of facts, and not to add personal opinions into it? I don't know whether it is the right thing or not. I don't think there's a right or wrong way in these kind of situation. All I know is that, I myself may do things differently. Cos I know I would find it niggling at the back of my mind, if I didn't just tell it straight.


I've a cousin whose parents are similar. The relationship is somewhat rocky.I never used to acknowledge that area of her parents relationship, or her family, whenever we meet. I just recall one time she truly wanted to talk, and we did it online. So I thought it is only right to say, and to settle her mind. Cos I'm sure that she's had it bottled up inside her for years. I only told her what little I do know.

I told her straight. (Cos she is old enough to know. She was 17.) i.e. what she should or should not ask. Even some things, I don't know. What goes on between couples always remain private anyway. I just tell her that her parents do love her. Which they do.

The dad may be a crap husband, but he is a great dad. I would love to diss him, but he does dote on his only daughter. That's being fair and truthful about it. I just didn't add the part about my own opinion of her dad. I think she knows how they are playing tug-o-war. Yet, she is being great about it, and doesn't favour one or the other. She did say that being an only child, she thought that not having siblings made her miss out such conversation and subjectiveness. I just didn't have the heart to diss her dad in front of her. If I was his daughter, I doubt that I can be that subjective about things. However, she seems happy enough with the answer, and I am sure that she would have more questions in the future too. Most questions, I won't be able to answer directly anyway. Yet, I would like to think that she can turn to me, even if she has problems. Just like a sister of my own. Even though we live miles apart.

Don't let such things build into resentments, and dampens the relationship. My sister is exactly the same as you. She does not tell me things with regards to my family. Things bite at me, until the very last minute. I sometimes do resent her, and I know things are not that great between ourselves, cos there is a gap in our relationship. Avoidance does not mean being honest and truthful. Being truthful, and saying what you feel comfortable in saying, and what isn't, puts the ball in the other person's court to respect you. Not acknowledging it, comes across as trying not to include that person as part of the family, cos they should know. My eldest brother is very different. He's very honest, and matter of facts about a lot of things with regards to our family. Maybe this is where I have learnt that trait from too. We have that kind of honest open relationship. We know where we stand etc.

Great posts by Bago and Kitty'.

I feel for you, you're right in the middle of it all.

But IMO it's best if all sides get their points out as these things [holding things back] can lead to massive insecurities as a worse case scenerio. Shes old enough to make her own mind up I think.

Hope it all sorts itself out:)

I shall read some more posts before I put anymore, as I regularly get shot to pieces for my 'sensitive' posts.