Childhood Memories “Up t’no good”

I’m a bit disillusioned with this one, but give me your comments anyway.

"up t'no good." (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1174497975.doc)

I couldnt access this one coyleys.It didnt have my username or password on to get to the document. I will wait to see if anyone has the same trouble or if its just me.

Hey up Pattricia
Mine was the same, fortunately I remembered my password, I think it may be because JoeP has been playing about, get in touch with Shoeshine for your password.

Hey up Pattricia
Mine was the same, fortunately I remembered my password, I think it may be because JoeP has been playing about, get in touch with Shoeshine for your password.

I think I may be able to find it if I look through all my papers.:thumbsup: Yes, it may be something to do with the alterations yesterday.

Its O.K. Coyleys, Ive read it now. ! Thank goodness I saved the original pm which Joep sent me with my password on. Your story is very funny,and you seem to have had a happy childhood.I have got a story to write myself yet for March, but unfortunately I havent got your imagination. :thumbsup:

Coyleys.For many years i tried had not to think of my grandmothers pink bloomers but you had to bring the subject up now I'm having nightmares .

The story was brill , and retribution was swift was worth it .Oh yes!!!!!!!

coyleys......I have nothing to say but.......:hihi:

Hi Coyleys,

I must admit I’m a bit puzzled why you are disillusioned with this story? – it’s bloomin’ hilarious!

I particularly liked the following two lines:

Her face looked like she had just passed a barbwire stool.

Out came David with a large bandage around his head, looking like someone indigenous to the Darnall area.

Class! :hihi:

The only thing that needs a bit of work is the text could do with a bit of tidying, have a look at paragraph six (“It was time to take my revenge…”) the right hand side of this paragraph looks like a comb with the teeth missing.

I’d suggest putting in a few links to make this section flow better.

It was now time to take my revenge;Egged on by Ern, I took careful aim and I spent the next half hour peppering holes in these those bloomers. Suddenly Then Mrs Turner came out of the back door carrying a large wicker basket, to retrieve the now dried washing. The tune she was humming died on her lips as she surveyed the clothes scattered all over the ground

“What the… bloody hell” HELL!” she said as she scanned the clothes scattered over the ground.Muttering darkly, she methodically picked up the garments, placing them chucking them angrily in the a tatty wicker basket. thenFinally, she came to the only garment left hanging, the bloomers, she unpegged unpegging the bloomers and she held them up to the light, little rays of sunlight shone through them “Just like Ma’s colander” I thought. As she lowered the bloomers she was looking straight at me. Oh bugger.

“Coyley! Come here yer little begger!”

And without my editors pencil:

It was now time to take my revenge; Egged on by Ern, I took careful aim and spent the next half hour peppering holes in those bloomers. Suddenly Mrs Turner came out of the back door carrying a large wicker basket, the tune she was humming died on her lips as she surveyed the clothes scattered all over the ground.

“What the… bloody HELL!”

Muttering darkly, she methodically picked up the garments, chucking them angrily in the wicker basket. Finally, she came to the only garment left hanging, unpegging the bloomers she held them up to the light, little rays of sunlight shone through them.

“Just like Ma’s colander” I thought. As she lowered the bloomers she was looking straight at me. Oh bugger.

“Coyley! Come here yer little begger!”

Just noticed there is a bit of (unintentional) alliteration (“Egged on by Ern” “bugger / begger”) – does this make the story flow? Maybe, possibly…

But this is all minor stuff, the story structure & delivery is spot on, you are showing an improvement with each piece of work you upload and with a bit of polishing could give Fred Pass a run for his money. :thumbsup:

Ah, Mantaspook, is that a hint? An Editors pencil ? :suspect: My fruitless quest to discover your occupation continues!

Thanks for the suggestion Manta.
I’ve saved it and will get back to it later as I’m busy writing a bit of romance and slush at the minute, just 2 x A4, “a quickie”.

“Romance and slush, Bloody Hell” declares Mantas
Yes romance and slush from your proverbial Mr. Wham bam thank you man, I’ll explain later.
Thanks again most appreciated.:thumbsup:

Thanks for the suggestion Manta.
I’ve saved it and will get back to it later as I’m busy writing a bit of romance and slush at the minute, just 2 x A4, “a quickie”.

“Romance and slush, Bloody Hell” declares Mantas
Yes romance and slush from your proverbial Mr. Wham bam thank you man, I’ll explain later.
Thanks again most appreciated.:thumbsup:

Now i cant imagine you writing a romance ,Coyleys.