Here’s a tale I wrote based on some research I was doing some months ago.
I’m open to suggestions about the dialect.

Enjoy.

The Nunnery Pit. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1172708717.doc)

Thanks for sharing that with us Coyleys, I had no idea there was a pit that close to the city centre (was it located where Nunnery Square is now?)

As you say, a shame and a tragedy that there is no memorial to those poor men.

Thanks for sharing this story with us, coyleys. It is indeed a tragedy.

With your permission I'd like to quote one or two paragraphs here, to offer my thoughts on some of the writing. Is that ok?

Thanks for sharing that with us Coyleys, I had no idea there was a pit that close to the city centre (was it located where Nunnery Square is now?)

As you say, a shame and a tragedy that there is no memorial to those poor men.

Not been to sheff for a long time, so I don’t know where Nunnery Square is.
But the pit shaft was based bottom Wybourn, The now Nunnery Drive, industrial estate.
Back in the 30s - 40s (well before my time, (before you have your little dig)) the Nunnery works covered a large area and did link with Orgreave pit.
Back to your last sentence, the mining industry in sheff is a big part of our history and should be taught in more depth “excuse the pun” in our schools.

Thanks for sharing this story with us, coyleys. It is indeed a tragedy.

With your permission I'd like to quote one or two paragraphs here, to offer my thoughts on some of the writing. Is that ok?

Feel free.

Hi,

Your story struck a cord.

I've never been down a mine in Britain, but 30 years ago I spent quite bit of time in the coal fields in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. All the mines there were submarine (they went out under the Atlantic Ocean - closed now).

One mine (No26) had a shaft 700ft deep, followed by a twenty minute ride in old mine cars, hauled by an electric locomotive running in a double track tunnel. They called this the motor road.

At the end, you had to get off and board a set of cars similar to those you would find on a roller coaster in an amusment park. These were lowered down a long inclined tunnel. A similar set-up to the one you described at Nunnery. The haulage rope was a big/fat thing but I always wondered what would happen if it broke.

A strange thing about the experience was when you reached the place where you were going to get off, the the rope was so long, and the stretch so great, that as you slowed down, you went straight past the place to get off. The car then came back up the tunnel but you would go past your stop again. You would keep oscillating up and down the tunnel until all the elastic stretch had gone in the rope and the car eventually stopped. I assume it must have been like that at the Nunnery.

This ride down to the 2000 ft level was just called "The Trip" in Cape Breton, but in the Sheffield area, I think it was called something like the "Paddy Mail".


Regards

There are so many things in life that are taken for granted,and where our coal comes from past and present are just one of many .I agree with coyleys
mining is an important part of our history and should be taught in schools sadly it will never happen. As for the story ,a lovely piece of work .

Sorry for the belated response, coyleys.

Firstly, your use of dialect is actually very good, well observed, particularly in the initial exchange between John and his son. The one thing I would have to say about this exchange is it could do with some filling out. Direct dialogue attribution isn't necessary, but I felt that this was a good opportunity to add one or two short descriptive lines about both characters could have helped the reader to picture them better. It would also help transport the reader to the scene, something already helped by the dialect, and the everyday nature of the dialogue in this and subsequent exchanges.

As to your handling of the tragedy itself, there are a few things I wanted to comment on.

Nearing the top of the incline there was a sudden jolt as the six hundred foot steel haulage rope snapped; the forty four tubs ran away down the steep incline and soon picked up a sixty miles per hour speed.

This paragraph feels rushed, and has a detached feel to it as a result. There are men in those tubs, and who knows what panic they must have felt. I think it would have been a good idea to try and get a sense of this panic at the point the rope snapped. Presumably many of the men would not have known what had happened straight away, and their would have been some confusion. Writing from John's perspective, as you have done for most of this story, I would have liked to know his reactions as the rope snapped.

He slowly came to his senses and in the dim light he could see the maimed and lifeless bodies of his fellow workers, hear, the shouts and screams of anguish as miners clawed and scraped their way through the carnage of twisted metal.
His thoughts instantly went to his son.
“Tom” he shouted and kept on shouting.
He crawled his way further down the shaft until he came to a wall of rubble.
“Tom, Tom” he called as he franticly started to clear the wreckage.

The first sentence does a good job of capturing the scene. The sentence "His thoughts instantly went to his son", I'm not keen on, simply because I don't think it's necessary. Most people would know that if a father and son were involved in a tragedy together, then one would automatically think of the other. I would have put something like "He looked around, first amongst the living, then the dead, but his son was nowhere to be seen".

As to the last line - and I freely admit this could just be a personal reaction - I wouldn't have added extra dialogue. After the sentence ending in "...rubble.", try "He groaned in frustration, and then started pulling at the wreckage and flinging and kicking it aside, repeating his son's name over and over." Or some equivalent.


He was pushed to one side by his old mate Charlie whose arm was hanging twisted and limp by his side and with little consideration for his own well being called out.
“Don’t worry Tom; we’ll soon have thee art lad”Again, excellent use of dialect, and the calming words delivered by Charlie whilst clearly badly injured tells the reader all he needs to know about him. Thus the phrase "with little consideration for his own well being" is redundant. One of the primary guidelines for good storytelling is 'show, don't tell'. The phrase I noted is telling. The words spoken by him, and his injury, is showing. Again, a possible solution could be in describing John's reaction to the appearance of his friend, maybe instead of just describing the injury, have John notice it. That's just one suggestion.

Anyway, that's my personal reaction. I did enjoy your story, and found it very well structured. :)

Gypsy.

Thanks a lot for your comments Gypsy.
I’ll read it through a few times so it sinks in. As for the dialect I found that easy because I’m a dee-dar and that’s how I speak.
Feel free to comment any time, I do appreciate it.
Cheers:thumbsup: