I have recently found out that I have Cancer, my partner is taking it much worse tan me, he has started drinking heavily and getting really upset, I don't know what to do, I am trying to remain optermistic and calm until we know the bigger picture.

am I wrong in doing this, he is just making the whole situation worse for me!! Selfish I know but I have to deal with this too!!

I have recently found out that I have Cancer, my partner is taking it much worse tan me, he has started drinking heavily and getting really upset, I don't know what to do, I am trying to remain optermistic and calm until we know the bigger picture.

am I wrong in doing this, he is just making the whole situation worse for me!! Selfish I know but I have to deal with this too!!

fairydust, you are doing exactly the right thing in remaining optomistic.Hes taken it badly, but he will get over it. Cancer is not a forbidden word now, and treatment is fantastic. You are in the right place(Sheffield) at the right time, and soon other forummers will come on here, who have had cancer to talk to you.

Most cancers that are detected early are treatable (early 90%'s), please don't go down the path that your other half seems to be taking. Good luck and best wishes for a very speedy recovery.

fairydust, you are doing exactly the right thing in remaining optomistic.Hes taken it badly, but he will get over it. Cancer is not a forbidden word now, and treatment is fantastic. You are in the right place(Sheffield) at the right time, and soon other forummers will come on here, who have had cancer to talk to you.

partners and friends/family do tend to react worse due to not knowing what to say or do. I have known a few people in this situation and they acted similar.

Fairydust stay strong and remain optimisitic, he will eventually calm down.

fairydust, you are doing exactly the right thing in remaining optomistic.Hes taken it badly, but he will get over it. Cancer is not a forbidden word now, and treatment is fantastic. You are in the right place(Sheffield) at the right time, and soon other forummers will come on here, who have had cancer to talk to you.

Thanks pattricia I'm so upset at the moment that I cannot even sleep,but it is more worrying about my partner as he s drinking and then getting really upset.

Thank you for your kind words

why not try some of the support centres. Macmillan and the local Cavendish Centre in sheffield maybe helpful.

Thanks pattricia I'm so upset at the moment that I cannot even sleep,but it is more worrying about my partner as he s drinking and then getting really upset.

Thank you for your kind words

Put yourself in his shoes, hes had a big shock(so have you) but the previous poster said that friends and relatives often take it worse, as they dont know what to say or do. There are people on SF who have had cancer, got over it, and are alive to tell the tale years later. Go slowly & patiently through your treatment, remain calm, let him have a drink if it makes him feel better, but tell him in no uncertain terms,that hed better pull himself together, as you will get better, and intend to live a long life. Give him hope & love.

You seem to have a very firm sense that things will turn out right, a demeanour than I can only admire as I doubt that I would be able to muster such composure.

You're other half is rightly upset and fair do's is dealing with it in his own way, I would gently let him know that you need his support rather than having to worry about him as well as your own problems - I'm sure that he'll see that you need a little help and step up to the plate. If his reaction is as severe as you say then he obviously loves you very much and is probably frustrated at being unable to help, just show him that he can by supporting you through this difficult time.

My thought are with you and I wish you all the best for your speedy recovery.

All Sheffield Forum are behind you ,and give you a big hug. You need one.:|

Best thing for you to do is stay optimistic. It is very true that family and friends take it much worse than you. The worst thing you or your family and friends can do is get depressed and down about it because it will slowly make you feel like it is not beatable but i guarantee it very much is.
I was diagnosed with Cancer at the age of 16 in 2004 and i was still in secondary school and believe me i feel for you as it is the worst thing anyone can tell you, its a hard battle and trust me it will feel vary hard but you have to think of your life after this and how much stronger it will make you. I fought it that time and after 18 months in remission it returned when i was 18 and i was gutted to say the least but i fought it again and recently got told i was in remission again! It is beatable you just have to stay composed and strong not only for yourself but for other people because trust me they are the first to worry for you. Hopefully your partner will come round, it sounds like he has taken it very badly and to be honest i think any partner will do, mayb alcohol isnt the best solution but fingers crossed he will come round and be very supportive towards you.
It is a very hard thing for you to cope with and believe me some days you will not even want to get out of bed.
Hopefully the doctor has/will give a very good prognosis and it will not be too difficult for you.
If you need to talk then you are welcome to message me as i know exactly what yu are going through.
Good luck with it all and stay positive.
You WILL beat this xxx

Tonks & heffs have given the best advice : I WILL BEAT THIS ! :thumbsup:

I have recently found out that I have Cancer, my partner is taking it much worse tan me, he has started drinking heavily and getting really upset, I don't know what to do, I am trying to remain optermistic and calm until we know the bigger picture.

am I wrong in doing this, he is just making the whole situation worse for me!! Selfish I know but I have to deal with this too!!


firstly i hope that everything can be done to help you recover. and yes you should be optimistic fight it all the way. there is a lot of cancers that can be cured now if they are caught early enough.

my hubby died from cancer last year he was 50 and he was not diagnosed till it was to late.he fought it to the end.

i can understand how your partner feels. drinking heavily may be the only way he can blot it all out. things may turn out better with him when you have the full picture. he could try councilling and it may help him cope or maybe another family member could have a talk with him and he may be able to open up to them.

all the best for a speedy recovery and look after yourself thats whats important now

It was a great shock to both of you but you have the right attitude that you can beat it. My wife had a mastetcomy over 20 years ago and is very well with no after effects. Hope all goes well with you. thereare various help schemes Mc Millan Nurses etc who help both the patient and the rest of the family. Good luck for the future.

Yes, I hope this person uses SF as a place where she can "unload" herself of her troubles. Please feel free to come on and talk to us all anytime. :)

I have recently found out that I have Cancer, my partner is taking it much worse tan me, he has started drinking heavily and getting really upset, I don't know what to do, I am trying to remain optermistic and calm until we know the bigger picture.

am I wrong in doing this, he is just making the whole situation worse for me!! Selfish I know but I have to deal with this too!!

...don't really know what to say, but big hugs to you. your partner is only trying to cope because he loves you. could you maybe suggest to him that it upsets you more when he's drunk, and that you'd rather not see him when he's been drinking? difficult, but probably easier than getting him to stop drinking, if that's his way of coping (for now). obviously long term drinking is bad, but if it's helping him right now...

Sending you a special rubydazzler big hug!

I'm really surprised at some of the sympathetic reactions to your partner's selfishness. Please try not to worry about him and his problems. You're the one who's ill and you should have been able to rely on him to be strong for you to lean on at this really awful time for you and he's just making things worse.

You've got to force yourself to be hopeful and optimistic. A positive attitude is vital in treatment and making a good recovery.

I was really ill in 1987 but I'm still here and still raring to go. Look after yourself and don't worry about other people, just concentrate on looking after yourself. If you want to chat in pm or msn, let me know.

Remember to put yourself first now ... you need all the pampering and comfort you can get.

Im glad youve extended the thread from : Help needed please :then : How to deal with a partner whos not coping with my diagnosis. Its coming out bit by bit, isnt it ? Ruby is right, your partner is getting more sympathy than yourself. Keep coming on here, and talk, talk, talk. We dont mind, I would like to see you on here every night. :thumbsup: Get it out of your system.

Sending you a special rubydazzler big hug!

I'm really surprised at some of the sympathetic reactions to your partner's selfishness. Please try not to worry about him and his problems. You're the one who's ill and you should have been able to rely on him to be strong for you to lean on at this really awful time for you and he's just making things worse.

You've got to force yourself to be hopeful and optimistic. A positive attitude is vital in treatment and making a good recovery.

I was really ill in 1987 but I'm still here and still raring to go. Look after yourself and don't worry about other people, just concentrate on looking after yourself. If you want to chat in pm or msn, let me know.

Remember to put yourself first now ... you need all the pampering and comfort you can get.

i agree that you have to put yourself first - no-one will ever look after you as well as you can look after yourself. i don't think your partner is being unacceptably selfish, though, as you can never know how someone else actually feels - ok, they should darned-well be supporting you, but it might take him a little time to sort himself out first. he can hardly support you until he has the emotional strength to do so...give him *some* time (not too much), but make sure he knows he's making it harder for you, because it really is unacceptable that he should make it worse for you. everyone needs a good wallow every now and again, with any luck his will only be a brief one.

do you mind me asking what type of cancer you have?

well, i think all the best advice has already been given. I wish you well in your battle against it, your very brave and i admire you. Best wishes xx

ii don't think your partner is being unacceptably selfish, though, as you can never know how someone else actually feels - ok, they should darned-well be supporting you, but it might take him a little time to sort himself out first. he can hardly support you until he has the emotional strength to do so...give him *some* time (not too much), but make sure he knows he's making it harder for you, because it really is unacceptable that he should make it worse for you. everyone needs a good wallow every now and again, with any luck his will only be a brief one.

I can sort of see where you're coming from babychickens, but why should HE be wallowing, he's not even ill, just being pathetic! It's obviously making fairydust feel bad, which is the last thing she needs. It's hardly the case that she's got ill just to spite him, after all.

I'm not wanting to cause an argument with and about people I don't even know but if I did know him, I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to get his act together!

People are just too understanding sometimes. I bet if a bloke came on here and told us his wife got rolling drunk because he had a heart attack, we'd all be shocked

It is surprisingly common for partners, especially men, to have issues with illness like this because men are geared around 'doing stuff' and in situations like this there is, basically, sod all that they CAN do.

However, it's you who are the one in need of support, and even if your partner needs some help himself in coping he needs to ask elsewhere for that help; it's unfair of him to expect much from you at this time.

Stress of this sort brings out the underlying coping strategies of people; if someone drinks when they're stressed, then this sort of stress will make them drink more. This is something he may wish to consider looking at.

Some people just cannot deal with their partner neing ill; many relationships get strained when one partner gets seriously ill, and the dynamics of the relationship will naturally change. However, good advice has been given elsewhere on this thread, and I wish you luck.

I've just done a quick Google, and the following may be of use :

http://www.sheffield.nhs.uk/scsag/resources/scsagguideservices.pdf
http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Home
http://www.cancerindex.org/
http://www.equip.nhs.uk/topics/cancer.html
http://www.cancersupportcentre.co.uk/

As with any Internet Health Resource, don't self-diagnose and don't worry yourself unduly.

I always felt that I had the easy job though ruby. My world stopped. Nobody expected me to actually do anything. As soon as I knew there was a problem it was automatic sick leave and people offering help. I got really fed up of the pitying looks, but that was by the by.

My family, on the other hand, felt a pressure to support me, and to be strong, and had to carry on with their jobs when they felt so powerless and unable to do anything remotely helpful.

I do think that the wallowing and drinking is taking things a bit far and he could probably do with a big kick up the backside to sort himself out, but I can understand the feelings he's having.

I wish you luck and strength in being here and healthy 10 years after being given the bad news fairydust (just like I am).

Partners can be so selfish at times, This is not about them but about you. You are the one who has been diagnosed. They should be concentrating on how you feel, instead it's all me, me. me. Any half decent partner, friend or family member should only have you in mind. Their hand wringing distress should remain silent and your wellbeing should be paramount. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Similar situations have happened to me over the years. As a result, I keep everything to myself as the stress involved in telling others is too much to bear. How you handle it now I can't really say. All I can do is wish you much love and and hope you recover very soon.

Remember Joep words. Dont self diagnose, and dont worry yourself unduly. :)And remember "we will be there for you"

I have recently found out that I have Cancer, my partner is taking it much worse tan me, he has started drinking heavily and getting really upset, I don't know what to do, I am trying to remain optermistic and calm until we know the bigger picture.

am I wrong in doing this, he is just making the whole situation worse for me!! Selfish I know but I have to deal with this too!!

To be honest with you fairydust, if I were in this situation I think I would be throwing a tantrum and telling him that he needs to sort himself out, because right now I needed him to be strong for me. It is well known that stress has a negative effect on the progress of cancer, so you need to be worrying as little as possible at the moment.

I hope things go well for you and that your partner pulls himself together and realises that his role now is to grow up and be strong for you to lean on.

As JoeP said, it's not at all uncommon for partners in such situations to take the news most badly - it's 'happening' to the cancer sufferer, but all the partner can do it stand at the side and hope & pray that the situation will change. They often feel completely and utterly useless - the person they love is suffering, and for a while, they may feel that there is nothing they can do to help.

Fairydust, I have no idea how you are feeling now, and I genuinely will be thinking of you, hoping that it turns out for the best. May you find the strength you need to make your way through any difficult times ahead.

I would imagine that your partner will come around quite quickly. As others have said, you DO need support, and while medically there is nothing your partner can do to help, you should gently remind him that the best thing he can do to help you through the times ahead is to show his love and support. Remind him that he is your rock, and that you need him to be there for you - but please be patient with him too. I am sure that, once he calms down and adjusts to the awful news, he will realise this himself, and will be able to offer the comfort you need and deserve.

Big hugs
xx

snippy but all the partner can do it stand at the side and hope & pray that the situation will change. snippy but please be patient with him too.

I really do not agree with this sympathy for the non-sufferer. There's a lot they can do beside swallowing in self pity and seeking solace in the bottom of a glass. how dare he, he's not even ill! He can take over the household day to day, cook a romantic dinner and engage in optimistic plan making for afterwards, hold fairydust and let her sob all over him and comfort her with encouraging words. He can be a support and helpmate. If it hadn't been for my friends more or less taking over my life when I had cancer, goodness knows how I'd have coped. You need people to be strong when you're in the frame, not moaning at you in pity for themselves.

What a crock, when the poor patient has to come on an internet forum for some kind words and encouragement! The pathetic wimp wants a good kick up the backside. You can tell I feel really strongly about this, sorry fairydust, I feel so bad for you having to cope with this bad attitude.

I'm with Ruby on this one :wave:. yes he has had a big shock as has been said but you need his support all the way through this and he is not putting himself in a frame of mind to be able to do that. Plus he's adding to your family problems by bringing in another one that wasn't even there in the first place :huh:

He needs his ass whoopin'.

I'm not feeling sympathetic for the partner, I'm being pragmatic.

It happens, get used to the idea, and then you are better able to cope.

Just look at the statistics of marriage break ups after serious illness - I know of at least one marriage amongst friends and neighbours that fell apart after serious illness had affected the dynamics of the relationship, and of other relationships that were put under serious strain.

When I was young, and I saw people behaving like nothing happened, and didn't even acknowledge the person that needs the help, or actually spoke out about it. It used to get me really mad. I used to think that people can be so heartless. However, now that I am older, and having been in relationship with others. I do understand that, it is sometimes braving it for the sake of others, and still functioning, which is important too.

I know that, as a bystander, I can be pretty judgemental of the OP's other half, but having thought about it, but what more can I add to improve the OP's situation...? There's not a lot, but I do hope that sharing experiences would at least eleviate the situation somewhat.

OP: I do hope that you don't worry for him too much. Maybe it is initial reactions and shock from your partner, but I do agree with what Swan and JoeP have said. Letting him know that, he can support you in all of this may make him feel a lot more useful and supportive to you.

I'm also currently going through a similar situation, but with my dad. He's been diagnosed with cancer, and there's a lot of things which had gone through my mind, and also in my family's mind too, I'm sure. The first thing that I did, was get myself over to where my parents were and took control of the situation, and learnt everything I knew I could about the illness, and the possible solution to make it more comfortable for my dad. We had a good doctor, and things moved very quickly. I translated a lot of things for them, and let them know of the options. We went through the whole strategy thing together. I kept in touch with my siblings and talked with them and informed them of everything too. Even my bro looked up information and asked around his medic friends of what the possible resolutions could be, and when it is best applied etc.

There are a lot of things that your partner can do. I think learning what is going to happen, and when you will get treatment, and just helping out with general things and making appointments and things like that is being supportive too. It was a stressful time for me too, and I remember arguing a lot with my mother, but then I knew I was worrying her too, and I wasn't useful being in her presence, so I came back home. Now my sister is over there. I think she can provide more emotional support to her than I can. My mother used to get mad at me for being so teary in front of my dad. So I stopped crying. I know my dad is worried about my current life situation too, so I'm focusing on addressing this here now. He's fighting his battle too, and I, on mine. Sometimes I feel bad for not being there to deal with it, but I know that I need to focus on what I have to do right now too.

I think communication is key. Don't feel that you need to look after your partner and his drinking. I'm sure he will snap out of it when you ask him to do things which will help you, and to support you. Give him a chance to do things for you as well. Don't feel like you need to baby him, cos he is a grown man. Though, I do understand that, there's the couple dynamics which makes you worry for him too.

If you do have treatment soon, then maybe he can arrange for transportations, and at least settling household chores and bills and things like that when you're not up to it. I'm not sure what your current situation is, and I won't pry. But having your partner be near you and being supportive would be a great help. Our doctor recommended that we see our dad, and make the decision as a family as well. I do feel greatful for this Dr to say such things to us. Cos we were all just in numbness. It snapped us out of it. I don't know if my dad would receive chemo too, but I know my sister is now more equipped on dealing with that than my mother would. We're all playing a role really. My mom is looking after the dietry side of things, whereas my sis is supporting her and translating. I sometimes look up details here and there. I'm in liason with the Dr over email on the situation too. Everyone of us dealt with it in a different way. Even my dad ate the wrong types of food which upset my mom, (i.e. fried, burnt food loaded with carcinogens which may aggrevate the situation) and didn't help himself at all, but everyone had to be patient at a time like this.

All I can advice is communicate, communicate, and don't shut him out and resent him cos his reactive mechanism is as such. You may be pleasantly surprised? Do focus on yourself, relax, and not feel alone in dealing with this. Cos you're not. Try and not to bear the whole world on your shoulders, and let him play a part in it too.

He will come round, he must love you very very much for it to affect him so bad, but im sure with a little time and explaining to him that he is no good to you drunk he will eventually pull himself together. Us men are not as hard as we like to make out.
I went to pieces when my mother got cancer but I soon realised that I had to be stong for the both of us.
You have my thoughts and best wishes.

I'm with Ruby on this one :wave:. yes he has had a big shock as has been said but you need his support all the way through this and he is not putting himself in a frame of mind to be able to do that. Plus he's adding to your family problems by bringing in another one that wasn't even there in the first place :huh:

He needs his ass whoopin'.

...but it's so easy to say he needs to snap out of it. i'm sure he'd love to be supportive and wonderful, maybe he just can't yet. he DOES deserve some sympathy, his partner has been diagnosed with cancer. if that happened to me i'd be an absolute mess. yes, he deserves less sympathy than fairydust, but stamping feet brusquely and expecting him to pull himself together just because everybody thinks he should simply does not work. yes, he should be supporting her, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't need at least SOME time to adjust. be fair, people. he's not evil, he's not doing it to spite her, he's doing it because he's worried, upset, impotent (nobody is allowed to turn that into a smutty comment) and hurt - things which you can't just snap out of to order. he needs some time and understanding, too. logic doesn't play an immediate role - i'm sure he knows very well and is trying to support her and face their problem.

I really do not agree with this sympathy for the non-sufferer. There's a lot they can do beside swallowing in self pity and seeking solace in the bottom of a glass. how dare he, he's not even ill! He can take over the household day to day, cook a romantic dinner and engage in optimistic plan making for afterwards, hold fairydust and let her sob all over him and comfort her with encouraging words. He can be a support and helpmate. If it hadn't been for my friends more or less taking over my life when I had cancer, goodness knows how I'd have coped. You need people to be strong when you're in the frame, not moaning at you in pity for themselves.

What a crock, when the poor patient has to come on an internet forum for some kind words and encouragement! The pathetic wimp wants a good kick up the backside. You can tell I feel really strongly about this, sorry fairydust, I feel so bad for you having to cope with this bad attitude.


It is easy to say but unless you a man and the woman in you life has been given this terrible news it would be wrong for you not to hold your opinions, I understand about your illness and I am not trying to take anything away from that, but as a man who has been in this situation (although with my mother); the feeling of helplessness and despair that goes through you is unbelievable, after being the hard man all of my life I was reduced to a snivelling wreck for a short period. I didn’t actually fall as far as the fellow in question but I could see that it would have been easy to do so.

It is easy to say but unless you a man and the woman in you life has been given this terrible news it would be wrong for you not to hold your opinions,

I know, I know .... sorry everyone, for being such an unsympathetic character.
I suppose I should just be grateful that when I was ill no-one loved me enough to fall completely to pieces about it and make me feel even worse. At least I was able to get on with the job of getting better untrammelled by the effort of having to worry about anyone else's feelings.

I shall now butt out of this thread ....

Please check out some of the cancer support groups in your area. They can help you deal with your emotions and your partner's, even if he's not willing or able to attend with you. These helpers know what both of you are going through and how to cope.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Kit