My Dad abused me sexually for years and years when I was a child. I'm now an adult and filled with hatred. I can not stand that he is living an ordinary life with a new wife with her thinking what a poor man he is that his evil daughter won't have anything to with him.

He lives his life with everyone thinking what a martyr he is and how terribly badly his family have treated him and I cant stand it.

I want him, no actually, I need him to suffer for what he has done.

What would you do in my position?

Its not too late to go to the police and thats what i would certainly do' who's to say that he'll never do it again? I dont think sicko's like him just grow out of it you know.

Did you report him at the time? It's not too late, you can still do it now.

Have you spoken to anyone about this?

Trust me when I say they eventually get what they deserve.
I was in the same position as you but with my uncle and the other year he just collapsed and died at 54, I felt no remorse for him at all.
I attended his funeral for the sake of my dad but felt absolutely nothing.
He was imprisioned for a few years before as he also abused his step daughter.
Have you ever spoke to a anyone about this?

Have not personally gone thro this but someone close to me has.In the end it came out after many years and discussing it amongst family has helped.Remember this is not your doing and the best thing for you is to get on with your life even tho i understand the trauma.Good luck and hopefully this scumbag will have some serious or unexpected accident, if you know what i mean.

The very very best revenge you can have against him is to live a happy, long and healthy life- if you can cope with speaking to the police and seeing things through with them that's a way of redressing the balance, but please please don't let it take charge of or ruin your life.

Karma can be kind to the victims. Don't let what this degenerate freak did to you ruin you moving on. Time is a great healer, its easy for me to say all these things because I have had the fortune never to have suffered from anything like this but there is always support from your other members of family, friends and even here if you want it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

The very very best revenge you can have against him is to live a happy, long and healthy life- if you can cope with speaking to the police and seeing things through with them that's a way of redressing the balance, but please please don't let it take charge of or ruin your life.

I'd very much endorse what medusa has said. I hope you can find some peace.

I'd agree with Medusa - if you can deal with the upset to your life that getting the Police on the case would bring, then go for it.

But don't let this person keep your life in their grip.

He's your father in biological terms only - he broke every tenet of civilised behaviour in his behaviour towards you, and deserves nothing from you.

Strange as it sounds, I have found that 'karma' or 'justice' often works it's way on these people. Whether it's their belated shame and guilt working agaisnt them, or the hand of a benign Fate or God, I don't know, but I've come across a few people whose lives have smashed apart after the eprson they wronged voiced their wrongding to the world. If that makes sense.

Someone once said the best form of revenge is a happy life; be as happy as you can and in practical terms you may find it helps a little to write your bile down in a letter to him, and then burn the letter. Some people find the act of dumping their feelings helpful, and find a degree of release in then almost ceremonially burning the words.

if noone alreday knows about this i'd tell someone. someone that can do that to their own child probably has no thoughts about doing it to someone else too.

if it was me, knowing that i might stop someone else going through anything like the same, i'd tell someone, or even the police, and let him get what he deserves, and make sure everyone knows what kind of person he really is.

I've removed a rather unhelpful suggestion and follow up.

The Dear Forum user is used by people wanting realistic help.

Please respect the poster and offer sensible assistance or comments. If you can't, please don't post.

is there children in your 'dad' relationship? if so i will go and tell his new partner to stop it happening to other kids, also get the police to make him pay for his crime

Strange as it sounds, I have found that 'karma' or 'justice' often works it's way on these people. Whether it's their belated shame and guilt working agaisnt them, or the hand of a benign Fate or God, I don't know, but I've come across a few people whose lives have smashed apart after the eprson they wronged voiced their wrongding to the world. If that makes sense.

I completely agree with this part Joe.

The suffering may not be obvious to the eyes of another person, but I think the offender suffers by personal guilt and they only way they can enhance this pain is by trying to deny it...which usually culminates in people deteriorating mentally or physically. Thats the non secular side of things anyway.

The clock hands will always meet at some point.

tell the police, he's remarried, what will stop him having another child and abusing them

you need to decide -will i feel better after, or just "happy" you are making him suffer.
it's happened, (i know others this has happened too) - it won't go away,explanations won't deaden the feeling and neither will vengeance.

could it be you feel that he should suffer or shouldn't be as happy as he is 'cos of what he did?

The most important thing is that you mustn't let this man and the things he did continue to rule your life. I know that it is easier said than done, and you will need help with this.

I know a number of people in your position and I know how it can colour your other relationships.

It may well be that you should report this to the police, but only if it will help you and not make things worse.

There's a little advice here...

http://www.shef.ac.uk/counselling/advice/sexualabuse/helpyourself.html

and channel 4 (beleive it or not) runs a helpline...

http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/H/helplines/phone_g_rape_sexual_abuse.html

I totaly agree with medusa. Even though the police are unliklely to arrest him because of no evidence (unless he confesses) they'll atleast be able to get you some councelling, and hes new marrige will end very quickly aftyer the police take him in for questioning.

Originally Posted by medusa
The very very best revenge you can have against him is to live a happy, long and healthy life- if you can cope with speaking to the police and seeing things through with them that's a way of redressing the balance, but please please don't let it take charge of or ruin your life.I'd very much endorse what medusa has said. I hope you can find some peace.
So he should be allowed to get away with it then?

i have recently been there for someone close to me who is coming to terms with her past... i have the number of a very good counsellor, i can pm it to you or email?

your anger is so very legitimate, whatever form the emotional release takes is what's right but it is important for you to let it out. i don't know about karma in these circumstances, will probably feel a bit ethereal and unsatisying. i would advise legal action, police or something but to also keep yourself out of any danger. if it was me i would want to kill/hurt them but the better vengeance would be the destruction of his character and reputation, also he needs to have his access to children taken away, it must stop.

i hope you get satisfactionx

Originally Posted by medusa
The very very best revenge you can have against him is to live a happy, long and healthy life- if you can cope with speaking to the police and seeing things through with them that's a way of redressing the balance, but please please don't let it take charge of or ruin your life.
So he should be allowed to get away with it then?

Even if she does tell the police, she would need some hard evidence to put him away, or a confession from him (but how likely is that)

I would think very strongly before going to the police about this matter - and I would be inclined to talk the matter over with a counsellor before deciding on a course of action. The two things you will (most) need to weigh up are firstly do you think he is a danger to others and secondly could you go through the trauma of a court case. The most important thing is what has happened is obviously deeply (and adversely) affecting you. This may seem a very selfish point of view but your primary responsibility is to yourself and your own wellbeing and looking at some sort of therapy may be more productive than looking for revenge.

So he should be allowed to get away with it then?

I never said that he should be allowed to get away with it- I'd like nothing more than finding out that every child abuser got punished or prevented from harming children (prevention being better than punishment, but taking an impossible level of psychic ability).

What I was trying to say is that if there is little or no chance of achieving a conviction through the passage of time and lack of concrete evidence, the survivor's life could be ruined by being focussed on revenge which can never be sated.

It would be kinder to the survivor not to have the focus on the past so much- because the past is not where the possibility of happiness lies.

In fact, even with a conviction and punishment I would imagine that there is little peace of mind to come from that, since nothing (not even the punishment or death of the abuser) can replace the innocence and peace of mind that was taken through the abuse.

He has no access to children that I know of. The two children that he might have had access too he doesnt now as I have told their Mother.

Somebody said do I want him to suffer just because of what he did to me? The answer is YES. I wholeheartedly want him to pay for what he has done.

What would happen if I went to the police?

I have never spoken to my Dad about what he did to me. I told my Mum when I was seventeen (they split up when I was eleven) and after asking me a few questions about it she never spoke to me again about it. I felt most let down by her, rather than him which was strange.

For years after that I carried on talking to and seeing my Dad as I had almost split him into two different people, the abuser and my Dad.

It was only in the last few years I just stopped all contact without telling him why.

Have you thought about how you would feel if you did confront your Dad about what happened?

Are you in a position to do that?

Can no-one else offer any advice?

He has no access to children that I know of. The two children that he might have had access too he doesnt now as I have told their Mother.

Somebody said do I want him to suffer just because of what he did to me? The answer is YES. I wholeheartedly want him to pay for what he has done.

What would happen if I went to the police?

I have never spoken to my Dad about what he did to me. I told my Mum when I was seventeen (they split up when I was eleven) and after asking me a few questions about it she never spoke to me again about it. I felt most let down by her, rather than him which was strange.

For years after that I carried on talking to and seeing my Dad as I had almost split him into two different people, the abuser and my Dad.

It was only in the last few years I just stopped all contact without telling him why.


I'm not too sure what would happen if you went to the police but at the end of the day, its a crime that they would have to investigate.

I can understand how you feel let down by your mum, I bet you were hoping she would 'sort it out' as mums usually do with problems. To be honest, she prob feels like she let you down by allowing this to happen to you, and she prob finds it difficult to talk about too.

I think what Joe suggested about writing your feelings down might help a little too.

I think your best course of redress is to go to the police...They are used to people coming forward for this type of thing, if thing even if it's years since it happened. And they take it very seriously as well.....

Then if the anger is still there maybe you should go and see your doctor who could suggest some form of councilling for you..

What ever you decide...you must try to live your life to the fullest....For your sake as much as any-thing else..

good luck in what ever you decide to do.......


jt

Can no-one else offer any advice?

As previous posters have suggested and probably the hardest option of all is to go and speak to the Police. There is no guarantee that this specimen will ever face justice for what he has done but if you don't try you will never forgive yourself. I think you will find the Police to be remarkably understanding. He has to be stopped as once an abuser always an abuser.

Can no-one else offer any advice?

forgive him and move on - have that strength - it will save you

You have to do what is best for yourself.

None of this is your fault.

I think maybe you need to go to the docs and see if you can get any help. I believe if you report this to the police they will offer you some help too.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

Somebody said do I want him to suffer just because of what he did to me? The answer is YES. I wholeheartedly want him to pay for what he has done.


This is an entirely understandable, and justifiable, attitude on your behalf, and please don't take anything I say here as a condemnation of it.


But it's not healthy. You, personally, will be better off in the long run if you can let this go. Thirsting for revenge - even when the thirst is filled - usually does more harm to the victim than it ever does to the original criminal.

That said, yes, going to the police and seeking professional counselling may help. Emphasis on the word *may* - I know of someone who was put through that particular wringer some years ago, because her abuser had gone on to abusing someone else, and had a police complaint made against him; they came to my friend for details of what he'd done to her. The damage that opening up those old wounds has done to her, STILL has not been repaired - although at least she's off suicide watch now.

It may be the best course of action for you, but it equally may not be. Only you can make this decision. Moreover, while his sins deserve their punishment, if making some effort to see justice done will cause you to suffer any further emotional traumas, it's better not done.

Please go to the police otherwise he really has got away with messing up your life, at the end of the day can going to court and bringing it all up again be worse than what you went through in the first place.
Be brave you have gone through worse and although you will probaly never fully get over it i think it will be a step in putting the past behind you.

as a mum i can not understand how your mum has just brushed it under the carpet... if she had supported you maybe it would have hepled you to come to terms with it.

Take care sweetie x

I'd like to respond to both of these posts......

My Dad abused me sexually for years and years when I was a child. I'm now an adult and filled with hatred. I can not stand that he is living an ordinary life with a new wife with her thinking what a poor man he is that his evil daughter won't have anything to with him.

He lives his life with everyone thinking what a martyr he is and how terribly badly his family have treated him and I cant stand it.

I want him, no actually, I need him to suffer for what he has done.

What would you do in my position?

He has no access to children that I know of. The two children that he might have had access too he doesnt now as I have told their Mother.

Somebody said do I want him to suffer just because of what he did to me? The answer is YES. I wholeheartedly want him to pay for what he has done.

What would happen if I went to the police?

I have never spoken to my Dad about what he did to me. I told my Mum when I was seventeen (they split up when I was eleven) and after asking me a few questions about it she never spoke to me again about it. I felt most let down by her, rather than him which was strange.

For years after that I carried on talking to and seeing my Dad as I had almost split him into two different people, the abuser and my Dad.

It was only in the last few years I just stopped all contact without telling him why.

You believe that you are seen by your stepmother as the "evil daughter", and perhaps that is not surprising - as you have cut off all contact with your father without any explanation. I'm not suggesting that you should offer an explanation, merely pointing out why your stepmother must be trying to make some sense of how "terribly badly" you treat your Dad - and, by implication, how you treat her as well.

You are considering going to the police because you want him to "suffer" and because "I wholeheartedly want him to pay for what he has done." The sexual abuse you experienced as a child by your father troubles you still as an adult. That is a common experience in adulthood. You have been robbed of your childhood innocence, and your emotional feelings will continue to eat away at you unless or until there is some form of closure. This may be achieved through therapy. (I would in any case recommend that you should seek therapy). This may be achieved by disclosure to the police. It may be achieved by taking both lines of action, i.e., therapy and disclosure to the police.

You mention talking about the sexual abuse to your mother when you were seventeen, and feeling let down by her apparent indifference. Your mother's reaction could be for a number of reasons. However, and this will be painful for you to consider, it is possible that she may have had her own suspicions about abuse at the time it was occurring, but failed to protect you, preferring to turn a blind eye, dismissing from her mind that abuse of this nature could really have been occuring. Your mother was certainly going through a difficult relationship with your father, and they split up when you were eleven. Is it possible that this may have been the way in which your mother, assuming she had suspicions and fears, sought to protect you? There are of course other reasons why your mother may have appeared indifferent to your disclosure. She has herself moved on in her life, and the years have passed by since she was married to your father. Whatever the troubles were in their marriage may now have been subsumed or forgotten, and your disclosure was a painful reminder of her own life with your father which she wanted to forget, and she was simply unable to handle your disclosure to her.

If you go to the police, you will be interviewed, probably by an experienced female officer, but in the company of a second officer. Your interview will be recorded, and transcribed. A senior officer will review the statement, and determine on the basis of what has been disclosed, if further investigations should take place. As there would have been no witnesses to the sexual abuse, and as there is no forensic evidence available (e.g., soiled clothes, medical signs of penetration, etc.), the police may wish to interview your father, under caution. They would see if he confessed to anything. But they may also wish to interview your mother, to see if there is any corroberating statement that she can give. They may wish to see if there are any other children he has had access to, and consider interviewing them. Any of these lines of enquiry would though depend on the statement you made to the police, when you would have to reveal the exact nature of the abuse in considerable detail.

Are you prepared for other people to potentially be brought into a police investigation? Can you cope with revealing a detailed account of the abuse to the police, and being subjected to what would be a painful reliving of those experiences? Remember too that the police would be taking a statement from you as an adult - but about events in your life which occurred before you were eleven years of age. How reliable your recollection of your childhood experiences are would be something for the police to determine, not you. This matter may go no further than you simply making a statement to the police, and nothing else, if the police determine that they cannot make any headway with further investigations. Would you cope with that disappointment? Even if investigations were pursued by the police, charging and prosecution may be impossible unless there is a confession by your father. Would you be able to cope if this matter went no further, and you felt justice was denied to you? Even if a prosecution was forthcoming, you would probably have to go into the witness stand. Remember, it is a fundamental principle of British justice that a person is innocent unless proved guilty beyond reasonable doubt. You would be cross examined in court. Your motives would be under scrutiny. Your recollections of events as a child would probably be examined in the minutest of details. Taking the stand in court, if a police investigation led to such an outcome, would probably be emotionally draining, and even if a court case ensued, there is no automatic finding of guilt. Could you cope with getting that far, only to see your father escape retribution?

There are valid reasons for speaking to the police. They include the protection of other children from potential abuse by your father. It can of itself be a carthartic process for you - though I would still recommend that you seek therapy in any case. Do not delude yourself that by speaking to the police anything will come of it though. The events were many years ago now. You were yourself a child when it happened. There were no witnesses. There is no forensic evidence. There is probably only your word against that of your father. The police may not have sufficient evidence to take a prosecution, and even if they did, it may not be successful.

Only you can consider these points, and come to a decision. I wish you well in whatever way you seek a resolution to the hurt that is gnawing away inside of you.

at the end of the day can going to court and bringing it all up again be worse than what you went through in the first place.


Going through something twice is always worse than going through it once.

Can no-one else offer any advice?

Only you can choose what affects your life. Getting justice or revenge may or may not make you feel better. You can't change what has happened, so stop trying.

Forget the past and think about your future. Who is in your future? What are they doing? What are you doing?

Nothing else matters.

The human brain is full of coping mechanisms - one you've already highlighted being separating your dad into two different people. You have made patches for the multiple holes in your wellbeing that this man has created. You will only begin to understand how far you have come if you begin to pick at those patches, revealing all the gaping wounds beneath afresh

don't do it

when you're aleady at your lowest ebb, the person you are relying on most not being there for you can be the final nail in the coffin - and who do we most expect to be able to rely on if not our mother?

Step back, and look at every aspect of this scenario from each person's shoes, and in different points in time - but stop as soon as those patches get less sticky

Do you know why your parents split up?

This could come as a shock, but perhaps he was abusing your mum too? Did she stay with him as long as she did 'for the family'? Did your revelation serve to take the lid off the emotions she'd managed to stifle to get on with her own life? Could it be possible that she'd harboured suspicions of 'another woman' for years before the split, feeling as you do now, wanting to harm both her husband and this other woman, only to find this person she hated is now her own daughter? That would really screw somebody's head up

don't approach the police if you aren't looking to protect somebody else, because reliving the horrors in the detail they will wring out of you isn't going to heal any wounds for you

Just to add a question, (which have been answered by RedRobbo)

Is it possible to speak to the police, and explain it all to them, and they can advise without bringing other people into it?

(my meaning, as an example..... if you explained everything what happened to the police, and they said it would be difficult to do anything, conviction wise....would they still make any contact with the man?)

I find that everyone who has been in this situation needs to find some sort of justice otherwise, what happened to you, through no fault of your own, festers inside waiting to erupt.
Living two lives, one speakng to and treating your father as if nothing had happened as would have been the pattern you followed at home and second coping with the rage which must almost overwhelm you at times, is doing you no good.
If you have siblings they will probabley have been treated the same so get together and confront him. Your Mother may have had some idea what was going on and ignored it becaused perhaps he was the the one who brought the money in and provided the roof over your head. Confront your Mother again because as robbo says by refusing to discuss it must mean she feels uncomfortable with the situation so why. If I heard this info about my children I would go to the ends of the earth to put things right. See whether she will now support you in confronting her ex husband.
Do what you can to seek retribution even if you try and fail at least you will be able to congratulate yourself with the knowledge that you as an adult tried to get some justice for that small child cryng in the dark.
Find the courage to confront him, ruin his life as he runed yours, you were just a child but children grow up and become capable of seeking revenge.

hazel

I actually don't think that revenge is the right term..But to let people know what went on and for at least some sort of justice to be given out.!

Wheather this is in the form of a prison sentence..highly unlikely unless he confesses every thing..

Or justice in another way..that the family now know what he did, and what type of a person he really is..

I personnally havn't been through this..but some-one close to me has...

jt

Sheffield Women's Counselling & Therapy Service offers specialist counselling for women who have been sexually abused in childhood. It's a free service (or by donation). The no. is 0114 275 2157

Thank you for all your replies. I am not sure what I will do but I do know that I am going to do something.

I have spoken to my Mum about it more and she said that she will back me in whatever I do.

I hate feeling so filled with hatred but I can not forgive him at all.

Thank you for all your replies. I am not sure what I will do but I do know that I am going to do something.

I have spoken to my Mum about it more and she said that she will back me in whatever I do.

I hate feeling so filled with hatred but I can not forgive him at all.

you shouldnt have to forgive him and decidin to do somethin about it is the best thing to do.

good luck

Its not too late to go to the police and thats what i would certainly do' who's to say that he'll never do it again? I dont think sicko's like him just grow out of it you know.

I would get some counselling and go to the police. He may well be doing it again as paedophiles and abusers never change their spots.
My thoughts are with you..

I emailed my Dad and asked him why he thought I had stopped all contact with him and asked him if he had anything that he needed to apologise for.

He wrote back pretending that he had started to suffer from Alzheimers and told me that I was still his Darling Girl.

The B***ard won't even give me the peace of an apology from him.

:help:

He probably wont ever admit it, not to himself nor to anyone else, He will take this to the grave, and when/if you confront him, he will more than likely make you feel the guilty one, as you have done for so many years. what i suggest is firstly you need to talk to someone, as openly as you can, you need to stop the guilt that you will be feeling, which is a very natural feeling, then when you feel you could(if ever you could) you should take an advocate with you, meet in a neutral place and let the advocate do the talking. Just make sure the advocate knows as much as possible so as to best help you. If you would like to pm me please do. Dont suffer in silence or he's still ruining your life. xx

I emailed my Dad and asked him why he thought I had stopped all contact with him and asked him if he had anything that he needed to apologise for.

He wrote back pretending that he had started to suffer from Alzheimers and told me that I was still his Darling Girl.

The B***ard won't even give me the peace of an apology from him.

:help:
I read your thread.

I think you're very brave to have actually been able to seperate your Dad, as a dad, and him, as a man. I find myself agreeing with Olliekitten. Have you actually ever confronted your Dad, face to face? Does he know what you still go through emotionally, and mentally ? I too feel that, you need to put this to rest, as to how you achieve, I don't know. I think you really need to soul search within yourself, and asks yourself this kind of question.

I think maybe because you can still consider him as a dad, even after the event may have led him to believe that you've forgiven him or other. If this is not the case, then by all means let him know.

Even if she does tell the police, she would need some hard evidence to put him away, or a confession from him (but how likely is that)

Someone close to me contacted the police after 16 years had passed not thinking anything could be done but hoping it could.
In the end the ******* got away with it but the police told us hes known to them now and if anything happens in his locality or any other reports from his past it would be a different story.
There is always a chance hes done it before so if you do report him you may not be the first and therefore it may not be as hard to prove.
In the end the police officer told us he was back in Sheffield so i took a punt and found him at his mums.:thumbsup:
Pervert got everything he deserved, and more.
Good luck with whatever you decide love:)