Story: 'Requiem for...an angel with broken wings.'

Hope you all like it. i really am trying to start writing some cheerful stuff and will have you know that one character actually smiles in the next piece. hope you like this one though. and as usual criticism and suggestions for a better topic are welcome.

Requiem for ...an Angel with broken wings.

this is Jah work, only the mistakes are mine.

blessed rasta

This is very sad, and comes from the heart, Kaimani.

This is very sad, and comes from the heart, Kaimani.

stange that. i have had what you could call a run of the mill life exrtaordinery and outstanding in it's lack of extraordinery or outstanding events but have been writing, semi-seriously, for a while now with not much more than all this darkness and rage, i guess you could call it. everybody assumes some deep dark haunted past but i don't think so. a friend says it's stuff coming from a past life. i must have had a hell of a time then. but thank you for the kind words. i will try and post something a bit more cheerful next soon. not sure if that'll be before or after the return of jesus christ.

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this is jah works, only the mistakes are mine

blessed rasta

What a brilliant piece of writing Kaimani, that’s a real talent you have there.

The disconsolate tone and the narrators toiling, indifferent rhythm suited the story perfectly.

Some of the sentences you chose were excellent, for instance this one:

“Maria found it hard to get a minute or two outside the comfort of some bottle”.

Uses the imagery controlled way to inform the reader as concisely as possible why Maria was not there for her.

More superb imagery in this one: "Good days spend in plunges into the past. But every time we came up for air, there was something there. Something unholy, so we stayed under the surface."

And again: ”Her dark clouds always drowned her light, leaving her with a face full of sunshine but a heart trapped in the rain.

Also: "Her smile had lost all its magic and withdrew completely from her eyes. A masterpiece left too long in the rain, or sun. Mona Lisa, ravaged by the elements. You could see the shadow of what she’d been in a different- better-time."

A bit too much imagery there, I would consider losing one or the other of the coloured sentences, or perhaps replacing them with “Mona Lisa, left outside in the rain.”

There's not really much I can do to advise you how to improve that story, only two minor points, the beginning would have had more impact if the narrator had been more angry initially then he quickly calmed down to the ‘indifferent’ tone, secondly it took too long to reveal who the narrator was addressing (I’m still not quite sure at the end!)

You could have started the story : “You stupid idiot whitecoats think you know everything…” and tht would address both these minor points, but I think, once you do get into it, you’ve written a great story. Well done!

Oh, I love it when you talk all intelligently ,Mantaspook.! :hihi:

Mrs Mantaspook read the above and was most amused.

I believe the medical expression is "an apoplectic fit."

In fact she has laughed so much she had to go and lie down. If she doesn’t stop in another hour I may have to call a doctor.

I am now going out in the rain to take the dog for a walk….

What a brilliant piece of writing Kaimani, that’s a real talent you have there.

 

The disconsolate tone and the narrators toiling, indifferent rhythm suited the story perfectly.

 

Some of the sentences you chose were excellent, for instance this one:

 

“Maria found it hard to get a minute or two outside the comfort of some bottle”.

 

Uses the imagery controlled way to inform the reader as concisely as possible why Maria was not there for her.

 

More superb imagery in this one: "Good days spend in plunges into the past. But every time we came up for air, there was something there. Something unholy, so we stayed under the surface."

 

And again: ”Her dark clouds always drowned her light, leaving her with a face full of sunshine but a heart trapped in the rain.

 

Also: "Her smile had lost all its magic and withdrew completely from her eyes. A masterpiece left too long in the rain, or sun. Mona Lisa, ravaged by the elements. You could see the shadow of what she’d been in a different- better-time."

 

A bit too much imagery there, I would consider losing one or the other of the coloured sentences, or perhaps replacing them with “Mona Lisa, left outside in the rain.”

 

There's not really much I can do to advise you how to improve that story, only two minor points, the beginning would have had more impact if the narrator had been more angry initially then he quickly calmed down to the ‘indifferent’ tone, secondly it took too long to reveal who the narrator was addressing (I’m still not quite sure at the end!)

 

You could have started the story : “You stupid idiot whitecoats think you know everything…” and tht would address both these minor points, but I think, once you do get into it, you’ve written a great story. Well done!

i am most thankful. your points have been taken and i will be making these changes, and toning down on the imagery and metaphor. i found your suggestion about a begining most helpful as i knew the begining felt wrong but i wasn't sure how to remedy it. to save others and space i will pm you the revised virsion, or just the changed parts-if thats ok and you can tell me what you think. i wory most about how certain things might come thru as they do nto translate quite so easily from shona.

again, many thanks.

this is jah works, only the mistakes are mine.

blessed rasta

Great Story and yes I agree with Pattrica sad and comes from the heart. Brill:)

Kaimani, I started reading the first two paragraphs of this not long after it was first posted here. It was a cursory glance.

Having read it fully just now, I've found that it's a wonderfully penetrating piece of work.

I personally find it to quite outstanding. I truly envy your writing talent.

I started to read your piece ,but found the text to hard to read .It's not a criticism just a plea from someone with dodgy eyes

I was also impressed and found the piece very moving. The situation is so well-described that a reader who's been through similar experiences (like this one )can immediately identify with it. It's quite uncanny to be reading the words of a stranger and thinking, "Yes, that's exactly how it felt!"

i'm touched by all your words of encouragement. guess this is what makes it all worth while-just knowing somebody gets you.

this is jah work, only the mistakes are mine.

blessed rasta