I have uploaded the first three chapters of a book i'm a bout to finish. it's the third draft. the book is called 'raquem for a ghost in the darkness-a blind man's sonate in 'A' minor.'

Any suggestions for a better title are welcome and criticism is much appreciated. Even if it's to say you got so bored you could not go past the first word. This is the link.

A blind man's sonata in 'A' minor - Version 1 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1168949122.doc)

blessed rasta

Wow!

It was worth waiting for, there's no doubt about that. On one hand I was sorry there were not more chapters, but on the other, maybe there were too many posted.

If the rest of the book is going to portray in flashback the events leading up to this point, then I don't feel there should be any more than the one chapter at this point. You could combine all three, separating the sections with the

* * *
as has been done by many others.

I'll keep looking for more of this story.

thanks and praises hopman, you are most kind.
blessed rasta

That's a great opening to the book, Kaimani. As Hopman says, it's a very dramatic start leaving the reader wanting to carry on reading.

Writing as one who has had a less fierce first warning from one's Maker, your descriptive prowess in Chapter3 scared me a bit. :o

Well worth the read.

Nicely written
You do like your metaphors
It came over very depressing; I suspect that was your intension, and so you achieved your goal.
I hope there is some humour in the book.
I look forward to reading further.

Very poetic writing Kaimani. Very dramatic. I hope we have more.

Nicely written
You do like your metaphors
It came over very depressing; I suspect that was your intension, and so you achieved your goal.
I hope there is some humour in the book.
I look forward to reading further.

thank for the kind words. i did, however, hope to potray for a sense of hopeless urgency in the face of the inevitable. i guess that is depressing:hihi: i'm not really sure how to explain it really- happens a lot when not writing in one's first language, i feel- but as the first in a trilogy i guess the book is going to have to be much darker than it would be were it a stand alone if the triumps of book three are to count for anything.

the story goes thus:(THUS??!!:hihi:) he wakes up to find his girlfriend has dissapeared and things seem wrong. when he gets home he finds people saing they've lived there for years and they call the police... anyway the main part of the book he's locked up suspected of being some killer who's been killing off girls that look exactly like the girl he draws, with the help of the police artist, as his girlfriend. at some part in the book he realises he woke up seven years from the seizure and no one-parents and whatnot- know him.

this is why i can never go past the second paragraph of the synopsis!!!! anyway, the guy survives the seisure but everything he remembers, even some scars on his body, seems never to have existed and so he probably didn't really make it. it's not that oh-he-was-dead-all-along a la sixth sense thing. ok, i'll stop now.
blessed rasta

hey guys. been a while. i posted a draft of the first few chapters of a book i'm working on and got some really great feedback-pat yourself on the bac, spook-and took it to heart. it's little long i know and more or less the same stuff happens as before but i hope you like the new piece.

A blind mans sonata in 'A' minor - version 2 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1177665426.doc)

ps-got canvas and stuff with the vouchers i won with the january piece and made this clock i'm going to send to joe and spook, and shine so they can add it to the prize for this month's contest. good luck ya'll.
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my life is jah work, only the mistakes are mine.
love and light.

Beautiful, what more can I say. :)

I love the way you balance your sentences, Kaimani.

For example, "Right answers to the wrong questions..no answers to the right ones.."

It's almost like reading good poetry all the way through, with balance and counterbalance in almost every line.

A lovely piece of writing! :thumbsup:

That's powerful stuff.
Can’t comment further, it’s way out of my league.
Nice one Kaimani

Hi Kaimani,

That’s simply one of the best pieces of writing I’ve seen on this forum, I’ve re-read your original piece too and the changes you’ve made have improved it without a doubt.

So how can we make it better? Here are some observations that you may disagree with, pick the ones that you think may work.

What are the first seven chapters about…that’s easy; it’s a man falling over. (WHAT? You took seven chapters to describe THAT!) – oh all right, it’s all about his thoughts as he keels over, its all very abstract and described in a poetical rhythm that is brilliantly alluring but it doesn’t really make sense initially because you haven’t placed the man in a TIME and SPACE.

If the story was published in its present form I could imagine the potential book buyer standing in waterstones, flicking through the first few chapters and not grasping what was happening because it is so abstract and nebulous, then putting the book down. That'd be a shame.

I think you need a ‘chapter zero’ to 'place' your man. How about something like:

She saw him as she crossed the road.
Cold fear.
He did not move. Something was wrong, his glazed expression.
He stood there, vertical like a skyscraper.

Then someone blew the charges.

His head lolled.
His shoulder dropped.
Twenty five degrees and falling…

OK, so we have him placed in the physical world, now roll chapter 1 and throughout your narrative, perhaps four or five times at even intervals, put in the angle he is at BETWEEN paragraphs, a one liner e.g.: “Forty degrees”

This is the link that tells the reader what is happening to the guy in the real world and becomes a clock for his fall, the reader can luxuriate in your prose about his thoughts but this device adds an urgent countdown to the pain you know is coming when he hits the ground.

Replace “New Year’s Eve. ’99. Fireworks.” With “Millennium fireworks” or “The ultimate New Years Eve” – you mention the millennium later and the reader would be intelligent enough to realise the “Sky. Light. Sound.” Refers to fireworks.

Replace “He was yet to get to level two of Grand Theft Auto.” (which sound a ‘bit clunky’) With something else. How about “Mountains to be climbed, because they were there.”

The reason for this is your original text “timestamps” the piece as contemporary, does it need to be? In a hundred years time will anyone know what ‘Grand theft auto’ is? Is the man’s computer game prowess integral to the plot? If yes, then leave it in, if not, consider deleting it.

Add a final link right at the end that refers to the woman in chapter zero.
“Even the ground, when he hit it, felt like…nothing. Ninety degrees had been achieved as the woman looked on helplessly.”

Sounds good in theory doesn’t it? Do you think any of this helps your story? :)

hey guys. sorry been quiet for a while, had to spend three months at her majesty's pleasure in doncaster. live and learn right? first and last, Jah willing. anyway, thanks for the comments. and i have made more-will be on 100th draft by the time this is done!-changes. spook, your advice is invaluable-hope this is the right word- and i must say i would have never thought of it myself. but having taken it on board it has changed the work for the better. mos def. still struggling with the skitso nature of the english in the book. throwback to gainign indipendance from colonial powers i guess. under the british first then the americans moved in with their coke and burgers after indipendence and so there's a whole generation who talk about faucets, billfolds, movies, cellphones and whatnot in the same breath as some very british words and phrases and so maybe confusing readers on both sides of the atlantic. don't know if you noticed this and don't know if it's annoying or not so bad. anyway, going to do, i think, two more drafts-story needs trimming and toutening a little bit and i have a character who's battling to get a bigger part, and also cut out some of the flowery nonsense. then it's the dreaded synopsis!

Hey, welcome back Kaimani, hope you’ve learned your lesson & remember to take your library books back on time in future!

I’m really looking forward to seeing the latest draft of your masterpiece; it’s a pleasure to watch its development.

Stick with it, you’ve got something special there.

Thought you'd got tired of reading slightly different incarnations of the same thing. hope you like this.

Chapters nine to sixteen. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1188915155.doc)

Very dramatic story here.

I find it hard to get into this style /type of story, not my thing really but I'm sure some on the forum will really enjoy it ( No disrespect to you K ) .

it is very different from the original, so, you should find a surprise or two. jumbled up the chapters. never really been done as far as i know. might be because it's 'a load of ****e'-learnt that new phrase today!! but i think it makes the story move faster and does add more suspense-kind of- to the whole thing. does mean the reader needs an IQ above, say, fourteen to work out that the story is not exactly going chronologically. hope it works. if not, seriessix suggested i keep the original. did this and can always fall back on that.

A blind mans sonata in 'A' minor - Version 3 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1189262740.doc)

I seem to recall one of Iain M. Banks novels had a similar device; the title eludes me for the moment, if I remember correctly I think it followed two main characters, one character had chapters 1,2 3,4 etc. the other character had chapters I, II,III,IV etc and the ‘roman numeral’ chapters were interlaced with the ‘normal’ chapters.

It sounds complicated but it seemed to work - the reader could track the two separate stories as they converged to a big showdown at the end of the book.

Kaimani, I have had a brief read through of your story and my first impression is that it isn’t very easy to read, lots of characters and abstract ideas are introduced suddenly and the story narrative hops about all over the place, on the plus side there are some very nice phrases that you use (“Time stopped in room 33” – I like that) but they are buried in the general confusion.

The concise conclusion is this: You are getting too involved with the writing when you should be concentrating on the storytelling.

Having said that, your writing is very unusual and sometimes beautiful, it just needs to sound more natural and flowing.

I don't think the chronology is going to be an issue if you work on the writing a little more. It's all far too dense, and complex, and so very difficult to read. If the writing were more accessible, then the chronology would not be a problem. Lots of writers have used that sort of trick.

There are some good bits in here: some lovely images. But there's just too much of it all, in my opinion, and it needs a thorough prune.

OUCH! But sound advise ,not that i know a lot .

OUCH! But sound advise ,not that i know a lot .

The truth hurts.
Kaimani, you certainly have a talent, but heed the advice given in these replies.

This is in Kaimanis own style, and she should stick to it.

This is in Kaimanis own style, and she should stick to it.

I totally agree Pattricia, I’m not saying change his/her style but give more emphasis on the story, I believe that is what keeps the reader captive.

i have kept to the chapter device and hope that the reader finds out where the characters are the same time they see how they got there. it feels different from before but i guess thats the natural result. hope you like.

A blind mans sonata in 'A' minor Version 4 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1190905673.doc)

Hi Kaimani,

Yes, it’s definitely better but the story is still very disjointed which doesn’t make for easy reading I’m afraid.

Anyway, I’ve had a real go at analysing it and have highlighted the areas that may need work, I’ve also put a few alternative suggestions in.

Rather than giving you a long list I’ll post this annotated draft of your story which may be more useful.

I hope you find it constructive.

Annoted copy. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1190920757.doc)

You gave it a good try this time.

to say thank you would be to understate the gratitude. i am indebted to you all, esp manta, and i will beaver away at it until all your faith is returned. i guess trying to make it two teir with the chapter was more a gimick than a legitimate device. or at least its one thats still beyond what i can acheive. and so we retun to basics. again, most grateful.

all this is Jah work. only the mistakes are mine.