Ladies, if you've never done this before, I guess after reading this you never will!!!! But it WILL make you laugh!!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.

"So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. Easy! No muss, no fuss.

How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

YA THINK?
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

"Cold wax," yeah...right!

I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and the maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my pants and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my womanhood and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!

I'm blind! Blinded from pain!....OH MY GOD!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

Another deep breath and RRIIPP! Everything is swirling, vision spotted. I think I may pass out...

must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums?

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet - I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Like the slamming of a cell door. Sealed shut Butt.... Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?

WRONG! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had super-glued myself to the porcelain!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "OK, my butt and whoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or whooooo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH! Right!

I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

" It works! IT WORKS! " I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......ALL OF IT!.

So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour......

thats definitely put me off waxing, for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever :o :o :o :o

So Weeni, does that mean you won't be trying waxing!? :wink:

I found that a hot bath to relax the hair folicles, and ripping the strip in the reverse direction to how you're supposed to if it's a leg is more productive ;)

That was sugaring though, which may be a bit messier, but at least it dissolves in water :hihi:

I've since resorted to a combination of epilating and shaving - coz I'm chicken :D

See- this is why I'll do my own legs, but the place to have your bikini line waxed (if you're going to have it waxed at all) is in a salon, with the wax in the hands of a professional.

Oh- and for future reference for anyone that gets themselves stuck in anything like a similar position. A piece of kitchen roll or a flannel with baby oil on will remove excess wax without pain.

Just came across this whilst searching for "cabinet maker". Oooch, will stick to looking for furniture

You are kidding aren't you! :hihi: :hihi: How can one woman befall so many disasters in one depilatory incident. Poor you Pertfoxylush. Is it feeling better now?

oh lord! i thought id done badly when i used those wax strip and skinned my shin! :shocked:


x

Ooh you poor thing! :o

Are you Susan from Desperate Housewives by any chance??

LMAO - no!!

However, on a slightly serious note, I waxed my legs a couple of weeks ago, they are SOOO sore now - they feel like I shaved them about 2 days ago and the hairs are just growing back??

LMAO - no!!

However, on a slightly serious note, I waxed my legs a couple of weeks ago, they are SOOO sore now - they feel like I shaved them about 2 days ago and the hairs are just growing back??

I never wax at all, but I had a face mask on the other day and a man came to the door with a parcel. I took the parcel off him, and he raced down the path without looking back. :gag:

OMG, I know I probably shouldn't laugh at your predicament but you described it soo well it could have been a sketch from a stand up comedienne. Having made my day (laughter really is the best medicine), I hope your nether regions are feeling better and yes you have certainly put me off waxing forever.

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i reccommend u have it done professionally, u will get a much better finish. without all the mess.
im a fully qualified beautician based in city centre just off division st.
i charge 14 pounds for full legs...... call sharan at lashes beauty studio on 07731 333211

after the OPs post, who on earth in their right mind would dream of doing otherwise. If i didnt know it was possible, I wouldnt have believed it. :D

:gag:i reccommend u have it done professionally, u will get a much better finish. without all the mess.
im a fully qualified beautician based in city centre just off division st.
i charge 14 pounds for full legs...... call sharan at lashes beauty studio on 07731 333211

:gag:boy, did you miss the point of this post! Hyperbole for everyones amusement not a sales opportunity, who removed your funny bone?