Subtitled: Rediscovering a Drop of the Magic

Well, I was beginning to worry that some of you thought I spend all my time criticising and none of it writing :D

Here's the thing... I've said a couple of times that I'm working exclusively on my novel, and until that's done I'll not submit anything new on here. I don't want to submit any of my older stuff, as although it has sentimental value to me, I think I'm a much better writer for struggling through 100,000 words of my novel. That still rings true...kinda.

However, I came home tonight from S**tmill at about two o'clock, rather wasted, absolutely buzzing with the urge to write but sensible enough to accept I was in no state to work on my main project. And sometimes, I get a thought and can't get it out of my mind. I was replaying this story involving friends of mine over and over in my thoughts, and I thought sod it, it happened at Christmas, I can put it in. So I wrote it tonight, having decided that was a better idea than calling my folks in Australia and annoying them with my inebriated babble.

It's not a Christmas story in the 'traditional' sense, but then Christmas doesn't mean much to me anymore, not being a kid and not having kids in my house. It's dramatised, and I've applied an amount of artistic license with some of the facts, but the core of it is true. Names have not been changed, since no-one is innocent. This is the first time I've ever released a story after one draft, and pretty much the only time I've written in present tense (far too trendy, but it seemed right for this story). It's probably painfully lit-ry at the start, but I get very pretentious when I'm drunk :)

This is part one. There will either be one or two parts to come, depending on how it pans out.

The aiding & abetting of a bag snatcher at Christmas. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1163316244.doc)

Ah... having read through it a second time I've remembered why I never display work that hasn't got past first draft. Bugger.

Oh well, gives the criticisers stuff to criticise. :)

edit: I've also remembered why I rarely display work that I've written after twelve hours of drinking. Gypsy needs to sober up.

Hi Gypsy Hack,

Interesting choice for the type of story, there have been plenty of “Tales” and “Twisters” on the writers forum but not many “Slice of life” type stories.

The SOL is less generally less concerned with plot and concentrates far more on character & atmosphere, when done correctly it is extremely effective, but it is a lot harder than it looks, usually the story ends inconclusively and depends upon the writers skill to mould the ‘moment of real life’ into something worthy of committing to paper.

Another characteristic of this type of story is a powerful sub text, by that I mean part of the story which is never placed before the reader but nevertheless is recognised by the reader as an integral part of the plot, often the sub text is not revealed directly but in is implied in a subtle way.

Anyway, on to your story - I think it was a mistake to introduce Bud, Hod, Cat & Leanne all at the same instant, I had a bit of difficulty establishing their relationships with each other and had to re-read the text several times to get the big picture.

I would have been tempted to introduce the four main characters individually as they got on the bus along the route, give a small potted history and develop the way they interact on the journey.

Loose ends – I’m sure you’ve spotted them already, maybe they’ll be ‘tied up’ in part two but to aid the flow of the story it would have been better to elaborate sooner, for instance “Bud is screwed up tonight” (Why? He seems quite normal.) Why does Bud and Cats relationship degenerate into ‘complete hatred’ on her part and ‘complete disrespect’ on his?

This paragraph is a 'brake' on the pace.

Cat and Hod say nothing. They are used to Bud’s provocations. {Cat has no interest in the subject and Hod, though a Christian himself (he will lose his faith in about eight months, on the farm of an aging, pot-smoking hippy in Byron Bay, Australia, but that is a story for Hod himself to tell, bites his tongue.} Leanne though, cannot help herself.

I’d consider deleting the text within the red brackets, convoluted sentences like this slow the story down, thereby not living up to the earlier promise of ‘a runaway mine cart on a Saturday night.’

The attack sequence needs to be shorter and sharper to reflect the excitement of the chase, there appears to be a continuity error regarding their positions in the square, one minute there are angry shouts ‘from the far corner of the square’ yet the chase goes across the square and Bud‘makes his move before the opposite end of the square’

I really liked the ‘commercialisation of Christmas speech’ – I suspect the sub text may be Bud rediscovering the spirit of Christmas but it’s too close to call.
Not bad for a first draft but I’m sure you’d agree it needs some sober revision, how’s the hangover BTW?

Personally I don’t think you were drunk at all when you wrote this and it a cunning ploy to see if we are paying attention. :)

Yup, clever wasn't it. Those typos were a nice touch don't you think, just for you :D Seriously, I was manic, got to bed at three pm eventually. Drunk and mania are a terrible mix. But it's good to see you're paying attention :)

But yes, thanks for your comments. I agree with much of what you said, it was generally far too wordy and could do with some serious cutting. On the continuity issue, it was more to do with lack of clarity. Should probably read 'Bud makes his move just before the man reaches the main road...' or something like that. Biggest mistake, aside from uploading it so early in the first place, was ending the first part where I did, although that was mostly due to concentration span waning. The story only really starts with the moment where Bud and the bag-snatcher first come into contact. As a cliff-hanger, it doesn't really work as well as it should.

Anyway, will take your comments on board when writing part two. Thanks.

I like the concept Gypsy Hack.

I can appreciate the points made by Mantaspook, and there are elements within the construction of the piece which require a bit of "shuffling" and revision. All are things which would happen in revised Drafts, of course.

I am very, very impressed with it, and like any good piece of fiction, it grabbed my attention from the beginning and kept me wanting, in reality, for it never to end.

Many thanks. :) :thumbsup: