Hi Everyone, here is my first Christmas offering. Hope you enjoy.

Glitter Ball & Tinsel toes. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1163322778.doc)

brisbane, this is your best story yet, without a doubt. Its Christmassy ,magical, and children would love it read to them.It would look lovely in a book, with beautiful colourful drawings of the characters.Well done.

I thought you made a good job of that brisbane.I don't think the story needed the last line though it was good enough without it .:)

I thought you made a good job of that brisbane.I don't think the story needed the last line though it was good enough without it .:)


I agree with Mikomi here Brisbane.It wouldnt look good if children were to read it.

Hi you two, thanks for your comments, and yes I agree the last line perhaps was unnecessary or could have been changed to bottom so more pleasing for kids.

I think I will take your advise and take it out.

Glad you enjoyed it though :)

'Kay sorry, Gypsy's a bit drunk. And when Gypsy's drunk, not only does he have an annoying tendancy to refer to himself in the third person, but he gets a bit pedantic.

When writing phonetically, as in elongating the word 'please', you only need one 'p' at the start. The 'p' isn't the part that whiny kids elongate. Try it, it does read better.

It's a cute little piece, with a good central idea. From my point of view though, it is something that would be mainly targetted at very young children. I think the story would work better if you simplified your writing style for it, to the level that very young children would appreciate. I can see it as a children's picture book, with one or two sentences on each page to fit the illustrations.

And yes, the last line is somewhat out of kilter. Looks like it was included as a nod to the parent reading the story to a bairn, rather than to the bairn itself.

I find it very difficult to write for young children though, so respect :)

Hi Gypsy Hack,
Many thanks for your comments. It's always good to get others view points, which we learn from.
As for the last line, yes I think I was in some what of a rush to get the cassarole and dumplings in the oven that I didn't really give it much thought.:hihi:

I think the last line will have to go.:)

Hi Gypsy Hack,
Many thanks for your comments. It's always good to get others view points, which we learn from.
As for the last line, yes I think I was in some what of a rush to get the cassarole and dumplings in the oven that I didn't really give it much thought.:hihi:

I think the last line will have to go.:)

I edited my piece on the Server by editing the file on my computer, deleting the original link on the thread, re-uploading and posting the new link where the old one had been.

(Keep the original link address and you can PM it to JoeP who will remove the defunct link from the Server.)

Hi Shoeshine,
Yep that's what I did so the new edited version is now on the thread.:)