Hi ya all

In reply to Shoeshines earlier post, (Christmas is coming fast) I’ve made a start,
The Ultimate Christmas Gift

Here’s part one, comments please, no matter how insignificant they may seem, but not suggestions on how the tale will unfold, as I don’t want to be swayed in any way.

Chapter 1 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1163121715.doc)

And here is part two.

Chapter 2 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1164929334.doc)

and part three

Chapter 3 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1166752012.doc)

and part four....

http://www.communitynet.org.uk/SFStoryArchive/1168298217.doc

Chapter 4 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1168298217.doc)

part five

Chapter 5 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1168984525.doc)

It would seem some readers were a bit confused with the ending, so I have revised the epilogue.

Alternative ending. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1170285195.doc)


Enjoy

Bye for now
Mick

Hi ya all
In reply to Shoeshines earlier post, (Christmas is coming fast) I’ve made a start,
The Ultimate Christmas Gift
Here’s part one, comments please, no matter how insignificant they may seem, but not suggestions on how the tale will unfold, as I don’t want to be swayed in any way.

http://www.communitynet.org.uk/SFStoryArchive/1163121715.doc

Bye for now
Mick
What an unusual story,cant wait for part two,if there is one ?

Loved the start of this story so far and now intrigued to the twist of change towards the end.....whatever will the next chapter be???

As for presents of small shrews, our cat colin keeps bringing us these love gifts too:hihi: :hihi:

I can get a feel for where this is going, coyleys. :o

I like it.....and as with the other posters on here, am intrigued. :)

Lets have part 2....

Lets have part 2....
Has I have said in a previous thread, Christmas is a busy time for me, but I’m working on it, there are probably another half dozen to come, so don’t panic.
To coin a phrase from her-in-doors, “All good things are worth waiting for”.
:mad:

Hi Coyleys,

The initial sentence is a bit nebulous, there is no real ‘opening hook’ – I would have started the story something like this:

“Little Dove looked skywards as the huge fireball grew larger and larger, she panicked and started to run but it was too late, the ground beneath her feet erupted as the trees spiralled around her, the sky instantly turned to night, she slept, she dreamt…..”

Then use the first three paragraphs - which incidentally are very good - you set the scene and gave a good insight into the customs and social structure of the Indian tribe and introduced characters that we may see later.

From paragraph 4 there is a marked change in the flow of the story, the sentences are shorter, more random and follow a less coherent pattern.

I suspect that you may be trying to convey Little Doves confusion after she has been bowled over by the explosion, in this case, I think you should have gone for the more dreamlike (longer) sentences as she came round and it would have been more informative to the reader.

I think the sentence “His legs lay in an obscure position obviously broken in several places.” Would be better as “His legs lay at an unnatural angle, broken”

I seem to recall someone saying “do not use the word ‘Obvious’ in a story, it either is or it isn’t – you shouldn’t have to tell the reader!”

Minor point : you may have misspelled ‘Houston’ as ‘Huston’ but what do I know? personally I’m hoping you’ve got Angelica Huston from the Adams Family as CAPCOM :hihi: she’s very sexy ;)

Looking forward to part 2

Thanks Mantaspook
I knew I could rely on you for some constructive comments, which is what we need a lot more of, if we are ever going to better ourselves that is.
Though I must admit I had to look up “nebulous”
It’s only the first part so it can be a bit hard to judge as yet.
Part two should be weekend or next week at the latest.
Thanks again
Mick

Though I must admit I had to look up “nebulous”

I always thought it meant 'without definite form' - however my eight year old daughter thinks it means "homeless spider" :)

Hi ya all
Part two is on my initial thread.
Iv'e put this reply on so the thread will go to the top.
Enjoy
Mick

Hi Coyleys,

Another bloomin' essay for you, sorry :D

A really good story invites the reader on a journey, if you get the pace and the ‘revealing of facts’ in the right order the story is a seamless transition that takes the reader to the end, hopefully leaving them breathless & wanting more.

I thought chapter two would have benefited from a bit of editing; the emphasis should have been on the exciting re-entry, it would have been better to stick with that throughout rather than having flashbacks to the astronaut’s childhood and his friends Paul & Jenny etc.

The stories pace was a bit like a tango as it changed scenes - slow, slow, quick, quick, slow – and this tends to disorientate the reader a little, also the astronauts distracted thoughts seemed a little incongruous bearing in mind his predicament. (Just realised that last sentence makes me sound like I’ve swallowed a thesaurus)

There were a few technical points a pilot would pick up on regarding the flaps, they would never say “elevate flaps to 14 degrees” simply to avoid confusion with the elevators, it’s usually “SET flaps to 15 degrees” also when the pylon loomed out of the mist it would have been more likely that the pilot would instinctively go for the joystick, rather than lower the flaps (incidentally dropping more flap would create MORE lift instead of causing the shuttle to descend and yes I spend far too much time on bloody flight simulators…)

Good effort though, you got a lot of information across, I particularly liked the way you used short sentences to convey the urgency of the events during re-entry, now looking forward to the intriguing chapter 3

Thanks for that Mantaspook

With regards to the flashbacks, initially I went into a lot more depth as I wanted to introduce Dunston his family and their background as it did have relevance to the story i.e. the General knew about Dunston before he was born.
But it is a short story so I had to edit a lot out.

I got your point with my choice of words “elevate-set” thanks, but correct me if I’m wrong, to raise flaps without thrust would cause additional drag and so have the adverse effect, “sorry I’m nit-picking”.

Your comments have been duly noted and stored in my biological hard-drive.
No house-points for today then?

Thanks again Mantaspook, I appreciate it.
Mick

Hi Coyleys,

to raise flaps without thrust would cause additional drag and so have the adverse effect.

When an aircraft is coming into land, lowering the flaps effectively alters the camber of the wing, extra lift is generated, so is extra drag therefore the aircraft is able to slow down and still stay airborne at a slower speed.

Conversly, if the flaps are raised (ie: retracted back into the wing) the lift and drag both decrease, If this happens when you are going very slow already the airflow over the wing may not be fast enough to generate lift and so the wing stalls.

In the space shuttles case we were both right, it’s not a ‘real’ aircraft but actually a ‘lifting body’ – technically it doesn’t even have proper flaps, it has a split elevon system (combined elevator / aileron) on the wing, if both of the inboard elevons are lowered (like flaps) the nose does indeed pitch down so your story was correct, but the control surface is really doing the job of an elevator. The body flap which protects the engine nozzles (see website below) works in the same way.
So a housepoint each for both being right! :)

I found this site. (http://quest.nasa.gov/space/frontiers/activities/desk/handouts/pdf/spaceshuttle.pdf) It’s brilliant! There’s also a very good account of what the shuttle gets up to on re-entry. If you want to come around for a few beers and to play with some shuttle models one night you’re very welcome.

Hi Coyleys,

So a housepoint each for both being right! :)

I found this site. (http://quest.nasa.gov/space/frontiers/activities/desk/handouts/pdf/spaceshuttle.pdf) It’s brilliant! There’s also a very good account of what the shuttle gets up to on re-entry. If you want to come around for a few beers and to play with some shuttle models one night you’re very welcome.

Hang on, I'll be round in a min.
But don't tell Shoeshine or he'll gatecrash.:hihi:

I know it’s been a bit of a wait, but I keep going off at a tangent, as you can imagine with a subject like this it is wide open for digression.
So here’s part three.
As usual comments please, no matter how derogatory.
And I’m really sorry but there’s more to come.

Chapter 3 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1166752012.doc)

And here we have part four.
Enjoy

Chapter 4 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1168298217.doc)

-------------

part five.....

Chapter 5 (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1168984525.doc)


And finally.....

The Whole story. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1169073481.doc)

I want Part 5!! I want Part 5!!

(Link not working)

try it now

It would seem some readers were a bit confused with the ending, so I have revised the epilogue.

Alternative epilogue. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1170285195.doc)