A story for Halloween.

The Haemogolin. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1162329936.doc)

As you know, Mantaspook, the SF Server is being a bit "iffy" as I type this.

I have had a quick look at the contribution only at this point. I like the arrangement with the final part......

My critique will follow tomorrow........but just for now, as usual, I am very, very impressed, as always with your work. What joy to have you with us! :thumbsup:

If I were to be very pedantic about a great piece of writing…

I noticed that the word paint is mentioned three times in once sentence and medication used twice in another. Sometimes it’s impossible to not use the same word twice in a sentence or even paragraph but when possible I try to find alternative words rather then repeat them. Just a personal style thing, no biggie.

Also you may want to remove ‘resembled a’ in one of the last sentences - Just a typo.

Nice one and very apt for today. It reminded me of a modern episode of the Hammer House of Horror.:)

Yeah, gothic theme, contemporary style. You build atmosphere very well. Enjoyed it as always, but I felt that maybe you tried to fit too much in there. I say maybe because I'm still trying to piece the different components of the story together in my mind - they didn't immediately click, for me. The painting of the mill fire, his mother, the twist at the end... I have an interpretation in my mind, but that depends on Peter actually being guilty. If that was the case, I feel you should not have left that question unanswered.

One of those that could probably do with either expanding on or trimming down. Of course, I'm judging it on your own high standards. Must disagree with seriessix though, I think trying to show off an expansive vocabulary just because you can is a mistake (Private Eye had a great example of Jeffrey Archer doing that... cringeworthy to read). As long as it doesn't jar, it's not an issue.

I just think you are so clever at writing. Wish I could write like that.Well done.

Ten house points and a gold star for that one.
With reference to Gypsy Hacks reply “leaving a question unanswered”
This can be an annoyance, however in this case I believe it worked in your favour by adding a further intrigue.

I have complete respect for that view, coyley, and I have nothing against leaving aspects of a story to the reader's interpretation. My criticism on that score was based on my own personal response, and the consideration that if Peter wasn't guilty, then the segment with the doctor interpreting the painting would become a loose end, and could have been trimmed.

If he was, then I think the story could have benefitted from maybe an extra probe into his head, which drags back memories of the night of the fire and explores his guilt.

'Spook knows, hopefully, that I think he's a very talented writer and storyteller, and my picking up on something as arguably subjective as this is a measure of how highly I judge him.

I’m sorry that I seemed to be cynical about your comment Gypsy Hack, which was not my intension, wrong choose of words on my behalf.
However! I hope to use this site to better my writing skills, where as it is nice to get a pat on the back I feel it is more important to read individual criticism, which can be a boon and so people like yourself Gypsy are an asset to such a site. and so in future if our opinions clash lets not take it personal as I do value your opinion.
I remain your Bestist, Bestist pal
Mick

The following is just a thought on writing in general, and is not in reference to the above posted story.

I think trying to show off an expansive vocabulary just because you can is a mistake (Private Eye had a great example of Jeffrey Archer doing that... cringeworthy to read). As long as it doesn't jar, it's not an issue.

I know what you’re saying and it does come down to personal preference.
I’m not really thinking about unnecessary verbosity, but when describing elements in a story using the same word can be a missed opportunity to illustrate a fuller picture. So I probably take this a stage further, too far maybe:) , and look at repeated words of all types.


Anyway, for describing words, the following could be a lot more interesting if the word dark was only used once.

He lived in a dark house, in a dark street in a dark city.

However! I hope to use this site to better my writing skills, where as it is nice to get a pat on the back I feel it is more important to read individual criticism

If I'm going to offer criticism on a story, I'll try to comment on what I think works, as well as what I think could do with some work. I always try to be completely honest, though. Becuase I don't intend anything I write to be taken personally, I never take other people's comments personally. So don't worry, I enjoy debate and different points of view on this group and I look forward to you being a valued contributer. :)

One of the techniques that I’m sure you’ve spotted when I write a story is the “The matched pair.”

I’ve seen other writers use this, they ask a question then answer that question later on in the story, the reader is metaphorically invited to construct a jigsaw from the pieces supplied.

For instance here is a subtle one for you that I used in the story:

“Its no trouble Mr Llewellyn, I was calling at the bank today anyway so it’s not out of my way, now what can we do for you?”

This sentence implies a bank is nearby; this is linked to the tunnel in the final chapter.

This was an interesting story for me because the story could have evolved down several different routes, for instance I could have had the story turn more supernatural by omitting the final chapter completely, thus taking away the “rational explanation”

As Gypsy Hack & Coyleys have both commented, the painting of the fire can be interpreted as either a loose end or further intrigue.

Actually, you are both right, I was aware that the painting was one half of a matched pair and I did consider the following options:

(1) Have the good doctor check out his mothers medical records and discover she died after receiving injuries in the fire at Brassington Mill.

(2) Ditto, but he finds a folder full of ashes – very enigmatic

(3) When Peter opens the door he see the burnt corpse of his mother on the doorstep, but then the final chapter would have to be deleted or revised, for instance, the thief may have burnt his mask using an oxy-acetylene torch.

However, I wasted 90 minutes on the first draft which went nowhere; it had a long, irrelevant relationship between the doctor and his antagonistic receptionist and made no mention of the blood painting. (Also the bank reference was way too blatant)

To quote Matthew Perry “It sullied the good name of crap” so it ended up in the bin.

With limited time left I decided to leave the matter of the fire painting nebulous and let the reader decide.

Also I was constantly interrupted. For further information see
I bet Charles Dickens never had this problem. (http://sheffieldwriters.ath.cx/SFStoryArchive/1163032121.doc)

“I bet Charles Dickens never had this problem.”
Nice one, that gave me a chuckle