Chest tightens, stomach turns
Screams unheard, face burns
Pleas ignored, held down tight
Try to plead, try to fight

Blows are caught, counteracted
Laid out flat, strength is hampered
Too many, six on one
Not a chance of getting gone

A kind voice, gentle words
No better, only worse
Reassurance at it’s best
Won’t resolve this awful mess

A needle here, ends the pain
As it enters through the vein
Vision blurs, breathing slows
Strength disperses, exhaustion grows

An overwhelming sense of calm
The sweat drips from my clammy palm
Everything grows dark and cold
The dreams I dare to dream are bold

But to awake and then to find
The needle wasn’t oh so kind
The pain is there, the memory
I didn’t die, but I’ll not be free.


Yes, my full name is Charlotte Bennett!

Yes, my full name is Charlotte Bennett!

After that poem I was thinking "Gordan Bennett....." :D

Only Joking Lotti, nice poem but the last stanza is a little bit unclear.

Thanks Mantaspook

The whole lots is a bit unclear really, as the narrator is unclear of what goes on throughout the lot.

I'll take a look at the last stanza though, to me who knows what I'm trying to say, it's awkward! :lol:

Thanks for the feedback

Can't edit it for some reason...

Last stanza changed to:

But to awake and then to find
The needle wasn’t oh so kind
The pain still there, the memory
From that I know I’ll not be free.

Conveys the feeling better I think... what do you think?

Hey that’s a lot better Lotti, the reason for the (attack?) (medical procedure?) is still nebulous but I think that’s the intention of the poem, the original last stanza was a bit puzzling and raised the unresolved question “Why’d they want to die?”

The new stanza flows better and doesn’t raise that question, however the title “A violation” implies some sort of attack? Vague but interesting…..

What a clever but poignant poem Lotti.....and with the advice from mantaspook.....it works perfectly now

Excellent work! Well done. :)

Thanks guys :)

It won't save my edit on the original poem :mad:

Mantaspook - yes, the idea is to be vague as the memory is vague. The last stanza wasn't so much to do with wanting to die, it was a relief that they hadn't died but then realisation that they wouldn't be free from the memory (if you get my gist?)

But yes, I prefer it as it is now, just wish I could alter the original text!!

Thanks guys :)

It won't save my edit on the original poem :mad:

Mantaspook - yes, the idea is to be vague as the memory is vague. The last stanza wasn't so much to do with wanting to die, it was a relief that they hadn't died but then realisation that they wouldn't be free from the memory (if you get my gist?)

But yes, I prefer it as it is now, just wish I could alter the original text!!

I could edit it for you Lotti, but to do so would make Mantaspook's critique, and your responses to it somewhat difficult to understand to other readers.

May I suggest to you that the thread works better as it stands at present. :)

Thanks Shoeshine, just thought it was easier for people to read the finished product straight off :D

No problem - as long as we have the whole thing now! :lol:

Hi Lotti,

It must be me
But my mind rhymes,
”Memory” with “emery.”
But if you knock it down a line
It suddenly turns to MEM-O-REE
It makes the poem flow better
And then it rhymes with “free”

See below:

But to awake and then to find
The needle wasn’t oh so kind
The pain still there,
the memory, <----comma adds pause in right place
From that I know
I’ll not be free.

The needle bit...

Oh god,,,