Hiya,

Just wanted to get a bit of advice really.

I've decided to go out for a posh meal for my hen do and booked the table. The meal is 6 course cooked by an award winning masterchef. It would cost each person about £50 plus the cost of drinks and travel. This means that the total cost will prob be around £60 (plus the cost of taxi etc to get there and back).

I've invited my mum plus 5 friends. The immediate reaction from everyone except one friend was - "yes cant wait"

The other friend text me back saying it was too expensive and she couldn't afford it as she is going out with one of her (new) friends a couple of weeks before my hen do for her birthday in a pink limo and that coupled with a last minute holiday she's booked means she cannot afford to come.

3 years ago I paid for a holiday to Cuba for her (£1000+) so we could both have a holiday together (i knew she couldn't afford it) - she's never offered to pay me back.

I wouldn't normally be annoyed but bearing in mind everything I've done for her through our friendship, I'm angry that she puts someones birthday above my hen party. Birthdays come every year - I'm only gonna have one hen party.

Also, I originally said that I would have my hen do during september - she's only gone and booked a last minute holiday to go away with this (new) friend without even checking if it clashes with my hen party.:rant:

I just want to know if sheffield forummers think that I'm right to be a little annoyed about this.

Do you think I should confront her and 'have it out with her' or just leave it and let the friendship fizzel out.....?

Jen x x x

she's hoping you will pay for her again, dont.!
if she dosn't turn up then she isn't a good mate. dont waste your time on her. and dont beat yourself up over it. go out and enjoy yourselves.
good luck

should I 'have it out with her' or just igore her?

I agree with ericsean, if she is a mate she would have made sure she was there for you. Can't you invite someone else in her place? I wouldn't bother confronting her, don't let her see that it bothers you.

Have a great time with your mum, and the true friends that will be there for you on the night and....... Enjoy yourself :thumbsup:

do you think she's right to say it's too expensive though.

I know she doesn't earn as much as me, but I dont consider £60 in drinks for a meal expensive when its a special occasion?

Oh no, i feel really sorry for you Jen.

I wouldnt really want to confront her-but thats just because i dont like confrontation. If i were you i would probably just leave it to fizzle out.

Call me chicken maybe! and you should def be annoyed!

Good idea about the meal too! Good luck! x

Depending on her income, £60 could be too expensive. However, apparently the birthday do and the holiday aren't...

Let it go. Don't bother discussing it with her. Life's too short. Invite someone else in her place and have a lovely time :) .

Depends on how good a friend she is. I personally would have to say something as it would be eating at me otherwise. If she isn't that close then leave it and forget about her it's not worth letting it spoil your night.

Hope you have a great night with your Mum and your real friends. :thumbsup:

do you think she's right to say it's too expensive though.

I know she doesn't earn as much as me, but I dont consider £60 in drinks for a meal expensive when its a special occasion?

If she is going out with someone else celebrating their birthday, plus travelling in a limo I would say she could have afforded it, but to me she has shown where her priorities lay.

I think whether you 'have it out' with her or let it pass will all depend on how much of a good friend she is. In your position I think I would feel that she was giving me a message with how much of a friend she thought I was by not making herself available for what most brides think of as the most important periods of their life.

She was a really close friend (i wouldnt pay £1000 to take someone to cuba if they weren't a close friend).

I think I'm more disappointed than anything. But I wouldn't want her to come now.

I think this is about her insecurity.

I think she may feel that your friendship is now under threat (as you are getting married). She may be feeling a bit insecure about it and so is trying to convey this casual thing about not being available as she's going out with other friends. If you value her friendship, I would tell her how much you would really like her to be there with you. If she still feels its too expensive, how about a compromise and do something nice but less expensive on another night, just the two of you?

I would have thought that she would have budgeted for a more expensive than normal night out, (even though she is not on too good a salary) given that its her close friend's hen night, a very special event and the fact that she has obviously known about it well in advance.

I can understand your disappointment but whatever she decides to do you shouldn't let this spoil the event for you. Focus on the ones who are going to be there and who are making an effort for you and have a lovely evening with them.

If she had alrady booked these before your hen party, perhaps you should have checked with all of them if they could make it before booking. Unfortunately if I have already made arrangements I don't like to change them as someone will always end up disappointed. She isn't 'putting someone's birthday' before your hen party, it's just that she had arranged to do that first.

£60 is quite a lot for a meal. I'm afraid I really disagree with hen parties/weddings that 'expect' guests to fork out large amounts of money (e.g. travelling to weddings overseas). It puts an obligation on people to spend money, and makes them very embarassed when they have to say they can't afford it.

I understand your point Twiglet, but she knows that I'm getting married abroad in november and that my hen party was going to be either in sept or oct.

She's booked a holiday for £300+ and going out in a limo at the end of sept for her (new) friends birthday costing £25+ for limo each plus the cost of drinks etc for the night out.

I sent a msg round asking about the date (7th oct) before I booked it and it was the only date that 2 other friends could make at the same time as they are working (nurses)

The meal is actually £45 per person - she doesn't have to drink, and could share a taxi with everyone to get there and back saving on money. Personally I dont think its expensive and she new that my hen party was coming up before she booked her holiday and night out with her new friend.

Jen, I agree with other posters, it sounds like this isn't your friend's priority and she seems to want to spend time with this new friend.

I wouldn't have it out with her - it will only make you feel worse. You have enough to be thinking about with wedding arrangements etc and don't need the added hassle.

It will be upsetting you now, but you have to concentrate on having a good time at your hen night where you have other friends who are there to celebrate with you.

Keep smiling :)

is she married? if not, maybe she just doesn't understand what it means to you that she's there for your only hen night. incidentally, is she coming to your wedding?

personally i don't think £60 for the occasional night out is a lot - particularly when i've forked out hundreds of pounds for hen nights in the past and not really enjoyed them. if she really can't afford it, then fair enough - £300 on a holiday is purely by the by though as she's going somewhere where she wants to go and doing things she wants to do and for longer (a hen night is hardly a substitute for a holiday), whereas your hen night might not be her idea of fun. the other friend's birthday, however - twiglet is right, had she booked this first? even if she had, if she's going with a large group of people there shouldn't be any problem with her not going.

i wouldn't confront her about anything, but maybe ask her if she's sure she couldn't make it, because you'd really like her there.

is she married? if not, maybe she just doesn't understand what it means to you that she's there for your only hen night. incidentally, is she coming to your wedding?

personally i don't think £60 for the occasional night out is a lot - particularly when i've forked out hundreds of pounds for hen nights in the past and not really enjoyed them. if she really can't afford it, then fair enough - £300 on a holiday is purely by the by though as she's going somewhere where she wants to go and doing things she wants to do and for longer (a hen night is hardly a substitute for a holiday), whereas your hen night might not be her idea of fun. the other friend's birthday, however - twiglet is right, had she booked this first? even if she had, if she's going with a large group of people there shouldn't be any problem with her not going.

i wouldn't confront her about anything, but maybe ask her if she's sure she couldn't make it, because you'd really like her there.


she not coming to the wedding as it is abroad and only immediate family are going. We're not having a reception or anything when we get back either, so this is her only chance to celebrate the fact that I'm getting married - she knows it and has done for the last year.

She isn't married herself, she's 30+, single and still lives with her mum working part time in a dead end job.

My other friends think its jealousy. I'm much younger than her, own my own house, and have a great job.

Its just so upsetting when I've done a lot for her in the past and made sacrifices.

She isn't married herself, she's 30+, single and still lives with her mum working part time in a dead end job.

My other friends think its jealousy. I'm much younger than her, own my own house, and have a great job.

Its just so upsetting when I've done a lot for her in the past and made sacrifices.

Sounds to me like the friendship is well and truly over, tbh! :(

Jen, I personally would talk to her about it.

Calm down a bit and aproach her. To me and would be highly annoyed by this and would ask her why she's gone and booked a holiday when she knew it was your hen night coming up.

It's obviously bothering you and will do until you get it out your system. Better to do it now calmly before it winds you up so much that you'll end up arguing with her.

Good luck :thumbsup:

i've just spoken to her on the phone - she said she really wants to come but can't afford it. she said the holiday was booked months ago and the night out in the limo is only costing £25 as her friend has paid for the pink limo.

She says she simply cannot afford it!

I still feel quite angry, but she can't help it if she's skint so I think I feel a bit calmer about it.

Rather than 'have it out with her' how about explaining how her decision has made you feel? She may not realise.

Friendships can at times be challenging, even amongst the best of friends, but if the friendship is genuine, and you care for each other, I'm sure you'll work it through. I doubt she intended to hurt you, and that counts for something in my estimation. We're all human, and we all screw up sometimes. At least give her a chance to explain the situation.

On occasions, we can all do things that could be deemed a little selfish, and maybe on those occasions we need a gentle reminder from those who are close to us...

Good luck!

:)

i know.... thanks for all your advice everyone.

I do still feel angry. but hopefully I'll calm down soon.

Rather than 'having it out' with her, you could just send her a reply that will make her realise how selfish she is being.

"I'm really sorry you can't make it, I would have hoped that as one of my best/oldest friends you could have made the effort"

I'm sure with a bit of work you can come up with better than that, and leave her knowing that she's the one who's been unreasonable.

she said the holiday was booked months ago and the night out in the limo is only costing £25 as her friend has paid for the pink limo.

She says she simply cannot afford it!

.

So she can only go out in the limo as its paid for - so someone else has paid for her again. Dont give in to her, dont pay for her and as Cyclone as said let her know how you feel.

Its still a few weeks away yet so she has time to save £60 is not an unreasonable amount for a meal (6 courses!!!) and a night out

Its still a few weeks away yet so she has time to save £60 is not an unreasonable amount for a meal (6 courses!!!) and a night out

Thats what I thought too, but having spoken to her she says she simply cannot afford it.

She's off out today for the bank holiday! I wonder how much she'll spend!

One thing she did say is that she felt like she's been pushed aside and that I'll always choose to spend time with my fiance than go out with her.

My partner is a fireman, so when he gets weekends off (not very often) we like to spend it together, these last few weekends I've not met up with her because I had already made plans to spend it with my fella. - tbh it's just wound me up even more now!

Whatever her reasons - she has her reasons....

I still think the solution is to do something cheap, cheerful and meaningful, just the two of you on a different day.

How about a relaxing visit to the Spa on West St (£20.00 for 3 hours I think). Its a lovely way to enjoy quality time with a good friend.

Whatever her reasons - she has her reasons....

I still think the solution is to do something cheap, cheerful and meaningful, just the two of you on a different day.

How about a relaxing visit to the Spa on West St (£20.00 for 3 hours I think). Its a lovely way to enjoy quality time with a good friend.


she prob can't 'afford' that either.

I had my hen do last year and someone I considered to be a very good friend said she couldn't make it due to the distance. I was a little upset and I don't think she realised how it made me feel. This year I went to her hen do and a friend of hers didn't attend due to the distance - she was upset they didn't make the effort. I didn't point out she had done the same to me but I did think karma can be a wonderful thing.

Id leave her to it, if you meant as much to her as she does to you she'd have found a way, borrowed the money etc

Have your hen night have fun, be her friend but dont pay for her.

Its your night. People often say theyre skint (me included) but if she's going out today, holiday, pink limo etc. Theres money coming from somewhere

The friends that make the effort are the friends that you need to keep

thanks salster - very wise words!

.................

see thats the thing - this is the only event in this country to celebrate my wedding.

I dont expect a wedding gift or anything from her - personally I dont think £60 is too much to pay for a hen party.

....................................

see thats the thing - this is the only event in this country to celebrate my wedding.

I dont expect a wedding gift or anything from her - personally I dont think £60 is too much to pay for a hen party.

It might not be to you but to others it might be. If a friend told me now that she was having her hen party in the next few months and I had to pay £60, there would be no way I could do it. Your friend obviously booked and paid for her holiday a long time ago. It's very embarassing for people to have to tell you they cannot afford something so I'm sure it's not something she's done lightly.

I'm sorry but I really don't think you have a right to be annoyed with her, or to decide what she can or cannot afford. £60 is a lot of money to some people. If I was your friend and had read this thread I would be extremely upset.

Hmm, hi Jen, I thought I'd read this thread when I saw your name on it and I was hoping I would be able to help in some way.
My thoughts, though somewhat belated since you already had a chat with your friend, are that:
A) If I was the person who really couldn't afford it, I would try to make it up to you in some way. In my own circumstances I can honestly say I couldn't afford £60 on a night out right now as it would feel like I was being frivolous with money better spent on car tax, bills etc but then I'm on unpaid maternity leave and we aren't going on holiday this year, just visiting rellies.
B) If anyone had paid for me to go away to the tune of £1000 I would probably feel beholden to them for the rest of my life! Unless they did something really mean to me.
C) Even if she did feel pushed out by your relationship with your fella, this is not the way to show it.
It's a catch 22 situation to me, but, is it really worth the stress to you?
I've had an old term friend go very weird on me in recent months, torn myself apart over it and posted a similar thread on here. I came to the conclusion that she will make the effort if she has any respect for our friendship. She hasn't. She didn't attend a recent event I invited her to and ignored my birthday, so I assume we're done. I'm sad but I stopped beating myself up over it, there's nothing I can do to make her a better friend but there's lots she can do by not being the friend she used to be and she isn't even thinking about it. If she can cuase so much stress by doing nothing, then why should I (or you in this case) invest time and energy stressing about something which won't change.
Your wedding is important right now, don't let it be shadowed by this.
BTW - best of luck :)

We've all got an idea of what our friends can and cannot afford though, so the OP is in a better position to judge than we are.
Plus there's the stuff about the pink limo etc.... (and it was more than one months notice she was given).

It might not be to you but to others it might be. If a friend told me now that she was having her hen party in the next few months and I had to pay £60, there would be no way I could do it. Your friend obviously booked and paid for her holiday a long time ago. It's very embarassing for people to have to tell you they cannot afford something so I'm sure it's not something she's done lightly.

I'm sorry but I really don't think you have a right to be annoyed with her, or to decide what she can or cannot afford. £60 is a lot of money to some people. If I was your friend and had read this thread I would be extremely upset.

Rather than 'have it out with her' how about explaining how her decision has made you feel? She may not realise.

I doubt she intended to hurt you, and that counts for something in my estimation. We're all human, and we all screw up sometimes. At least give her a chance to explain the situation.

On occasions, we can all do things that could be deemed a little selfish, and maybe on those occasions we need a gentle reminder from those who are close to us...

Good luck!

:)

I agree with stagewalker here

We've all got an idea of what our friends can and cannot afford though, so the OP is in a better position to judge than we are.
Plus there's the stuff about the pink limo etc.... (and it was more than one months notice she was given).

But it has since transpired that this friend isn''t paying anything for the limo as she can't afford that either......

no but my wedding was booked over a year ago, and I said originally to all my friends that being as they aren't able to come to my wedding we'd have a weekend away, maybe go to a health spa or something. I got some quotes and this was coming out at about £200 each.

At the time she said (as did all my other friends) that she was coming and 'couldn't wait'

about 6 months ago I said that I'd changed my mind as it was quite expensive and I would rethink what I wanted to do. But I was planning my hen party either in sept or oct.

Since then she's booked a holiday - booked tickets to go and see 'joseph' at xmas at the theatre and she's regularly going on nights out to clubs pubs etc.

It was my birthday in april and due to being ill in and out of hospital I've not had chance to see her, she kept ringing me saying "come and get your b/day prezzie" - why couldn't she hop on a tram and bring it to me????

I just feel its been a 1 way friendship lately - I've been very poorly (just had an operation on friday and just come outs hospital again) and I feel that now she's got this 'new' friend - I've been pushed aside.

I just feel its been a 1 way friendship lately - I've been very poorly (just had an operation on friday and just come outs hospital again) and I feel that now she's got this 'new' friend - I've been pushed aside.
What, a bit like she might feel when you can't spend time with her because you're spending "quality time" with your bloke?

I think it's unfair to begrudge her other nights out just because she can't/won't fork out for yours.

It's not begruding something, it just illustrates where their priorities lie. If they can afford regular nights out, then it rings a bit false if they claim poverty for an important event.

Can I come Jen?


Thats the acid test of a true friend Jen - You have obviously put yourself out for her in the past and never expected no reprisal but you ask for small token of their appreciation and they look for reasons how and why they cannot give it. Disgusting behaviour and has happened to me in the past.

Don't get angered by them, let them be - because by the sounds of it she will come to you before you need her!

It's not begruding something, it just illustrates where their priorities lie. If they can afford regular nights out, then it rings a bit false if they claim poverty for an important event.


thats exactly my point!

It might not even cost that much.

The 6 course meal is £45 but I've said £60 to budget for drinks.

She could just drink water - I suggested this to her too but she said she still cant afford it!!!!!!!

Weddings can be a very trying time for a friendship and you can insult people without realising it or intending to.

You say you are getting married abroad - that is completely your perogative. ~I wonder if this friend always had visions of being your chief bridesmaid and helping out? You say it's only close family going abroad- whether you didn't invite her or assumed she couldn't afford to come - perhaps she's feeling put out by this. I say this as I was going to get married abroad and when i said i just wanted it to be and my then partner his family got very irritable and funny about it.

Also talking as a thirty something singleton myself, I often find that my married friends don't think they should do anything that I might want to do that costs a fair bit of money that wouldn't be their choice, but yet I'm "expected" to join in these costly days/nights out that aren't always my cup of tea. It's hard adjusting these relationships as you get older and are on different parts of your life and you do find you need extra friends to compensate for not having a bloke to take to things hence why your friend is "investing" a lot in this new friendship - the payback she'll get (someone to go out with on a weekend) is greater to her than she feels upsetting you.(She probably feels - you are getting married - her not coming is miniscule upset, to the elation you are feeling.) I've been in both places - both a smug married and a now singleton and you do forget that your single friend might have the freedom to do things but she needs someone to do them with - hence you shouldn't be jealous of the new friend.

I hope you get it sorted. Try not to look down on your mate in her "dead end job" she probably senses you think you are luckier than her and that's not a nice feeling either.

Hi Jen,

I had a very similar experience on my hen night in April.

We went abroad to get married and we paid for the bridesmaid and best man and didn't feel we should invite anyone else as they would be embarressed if they couldn't afford it althogh some close people came anyway.

On my hen night 3 people who had sworn they were coming didn't show up, one didn't even text or ring to let me know. I was gutted on the night but tried to put it out of my mind.

After the hen night i didn't even bother texting or ringing them and i got all the same excuses - we can't afford it which i wouldn't have minded if they'd told me before hand and not said they were coming right up until i left for the pub!

I live in Sheffield but I'm from Glasgow and i went home for my hen night to save people the cash of travelling so it's not too much to ask that they have the courtsey to show up or say they can't before hand.

I think your right to be annoyed with your friend, I don't think thats a lot for a meal and drinks, i don't earn much so if it was an important night for one of my closest friends i'd not go out for a bit and save up!

I think you should tell her how you feel and see what she says and take it from there.

Good luck on your wedding I hope it'll be amazing.

Anne x

Hi Jen,
Ive just learnt a very big lesson about friendship and money... One word of advice from me (because I don't want to judge your friend or you) would be to NOT pay for her meal. This is a rocky road to travel down, especially considering you have already been so generous to her. Its no good for the friendship because you end up feeling that you are paying them to be your friend and join in the things that you like.
In my very recent experience the "friend" wanted everything to go her way and made excuses about her finances knowing that i would always bail her out. Ive now realised that she was more of a drain on my emotions and my purse than it was worth. So although im sad, ive cut her loose and no longer want that type of baggage. Since then, ive had dozens of comments from people saying that watching us from the outside it was obvious she was jealous of my life and only wanted to "be there" for me when things were going wrong for me! Anyway..Im going off into my own little rant.

Congratulations! I wish you all the best for an awesome hen party and the wedding of your dreams!
Emma xx

thanks everyone - I've spoken to her - she hasn't tried to contact me or anything since so I think the friendship is well and truely over.

Never mind.

It is quite sad that it has come to this though.

Don't waste your valuable energy trying to figure out where it went wrong and don't beat yourself up about it.

Just accept that these things happen sometimes, take a deep breath and move on.

C'est la vie ...

do you think she's right to say it's too expensive though.

I know she doesn't earn as much as me, but I dont consider £60 in drinks for a meal expensive when its a special occasion?


its not expensive if you want to go & pay it.
it may be she feels that it isn't her cup of tea & would rather not "waste" the sixty quid.
my daughter did it with a family friend 'cos the £85 for pole dancing lessons was not what she wanted to spend £85 on. if you get my drift.

however it's your night out & you do what makes you feel good. have a nice night, and if you need a male stripper i'm your man(well actually i probably make two men)

Just leave her jen, you obviously don't mean as much to her as she does to you.
you seem like a nice person, its her loss!!!!

Don't worry about, you go and have the time of your life!

Enjoy your last bit of freedom haha!
Good luck in evreything hope things go well!

P.s. Congratulations!

thanks kimmie!

Hi Hun
I am a male stripper and if you wont to spice up your hennight just pm or let me know.You might already had your hennight if this is the case then please keep me in mind for the future as i do birthdays,leaving dos etc
harion
male stripper