I divorced over 6 years ago and it was an amicable divorce one in which I didn't bother with a solicitor to represent me we just agreed everything between us.

The amount of maintenace was agreed along with everything else. My ex saw his kids 14 days a month and 2 weeks in the 6 weeks holidays.

Upon my suggestion I gave my ex 2 weeks mainteance back for the 2 weeks he use to have them in the school hols. In hindsight I think I was stupid as to entertain the kids for the rest of the hols took twice as much money as I would usually spend.

In the six years since we divorced I have never asked for a penny more even though one of his kids ended up needing contact lenses and this year I have had to fork out for new passports.

He has also gone from the 14 days a month down to 4 days a month in having them and although I have them a lot more and it is a lot more expensive raising teenagers, the money he gives me has never gone up.

Do you think I am being unreasonable in putting a stop to giving him back the maintenance for the 2 weeks he has them. Am I the only person I know who ever did this in first place and am I the only one who's maintenance doesn't go up?

I will still never ask my ex for more money but would still like to know if I have been a complete mug!

Do you think I am being unreasonable

No, write a letter explaining your reasons. It'll be a much better way to get the message across

no,you're not a mug.Im in a similar situation and whilst it is a struggle financially,i have always put the relationship we have (friends) before money. My kids are happy because we get on so well.They arent used as pawns or hear us bad mouthing each other.I am sure your kids are the same.Its not easy,but we should both be proud :thumbsup: I think you are probably a very strong woman.

That said,i dont think you should repay the 2 weeks! :)

gnomi that is exactly why I won't say anything to my ex cos although we don't get on as well as we use to we are civil to eachother and I want it to remain that way for the sake of the kids but it really is hard sometimes when all I seem to do is shell out a lot more each year I don't think he realises how much I do spend on them. Only recently it cost me £60 for two school trips!

They need new school jumpers at £11 each as they have to be school ones not cheap ones from George at Asda as wells as two polo shirts also £11 each and two pairs of school shoes not to mention the winter coats coming up soon!

When I was a kid a school trip cost no more than a couple of quid!

I haven't asked him to pay towards the passports although he will need them as well and two new suitcases for them which they have taken to their Dads now which he will also be using when he takes them away.

I know I may sound petty but I really don't think he has any understanding of how much I do spend on our kids!

You DONT sound petty at all.You're right-it costs a fortune and that is just for the bare essentials,let alone any 'luxuries' How do you think he'd respond if you asked him for a chat? TBH,he probably doesnt know how expensive it is-how would he? It sounds like you have worked really hard,not just making ends meet,but to stay amicable and not to depend on him. However,is it fair for you to be carrying all the financial strain?
Surely you owe it to yourself,to at least talk yo him about it-he may be mortified that you are struggling and that if things get worse,his kids could be suffering?
When i had a similar chat a couple of years ago with my ex,he immediately gave me some money,and has since made sure he has gone halves on school trips or other big expenditures.
so,to recap,i think you should talk to him.Im sure he will know how hard even bringing up the subject is.As long as it isnt perceived by him as an attack,im sure you can come up with a solution?
Good luck :thumbsup:

You're not being petty but to be fair, he probably doesn't even realise how much things cost. Not being sexist, but men often don't think about this sort of thing until it's pointed out.

However, having said all that, he ought to be going halves with you on the cost of stuff like school trips and passports. For one thing, you're putting a lot more into the day to day work of upbringing of the children than he is. If you'd had a proper maintenance agreement from the start, you'd have been getting increases at regular intervals taking into account inflation etc.

If you're just reasonable and matter of fact about it all, just say I need £xxx towards the passports ... he'll probably be fine and feel bad he never thought of it himself, but it you start "moaning" ... well we all know how they react to that!

He is re-married with two step kids so he must have an idea on the cost of things. If he asks me why I haven't given him 2 weeks maintenance back like I use to I will reel off the fact that he has them 4 days a month as opposed to 14 like he use to and I haven't had any extra money for the fact that I have them over 3 times more than I use to when the original maintenace amount was agreed. If he doesn't mention anything than neither will I it's not worth rocking the boat and causing ill feelings but it's nice to hear that I am right to think I am being more than fair with my ex and it's always something I can hit him with if ever things do become not so good between us. He can never say I tried to get him for every penny. :thumbsup:

I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.

I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.

did we ask for your opinion? No? shut up then :rolleyes:

did we ask for your opinion? No? shut up then :rolleyes:
Now now my child.

I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.

Can i ask when the OP posted that she didn't work?!!!!

I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.

As a matter of fact I do work, although it's only from home doing the accounts and paperwork and answering the phone for my blokes business I also have a four year old with him to look after as well as the kids from my ex!

It is not only my responsibility to financially and emotionally take care of my kids but also that of my ex. The point I am making is although I have them 3x more than I use to cos he has them less (his choice) and as teenagers they are a lot more expenisve to take care of, in the six years since our divorce the money he gives me has remained the same with no extra to cover school trips, contact lenses, passports etc.

I think I do more than my fair share so this year I will not be giving my ex 2 weeks maintenance back for the 2 weeks he will be having them these holidays.

This is the least you can do,there is no such thing as a free lunch.

This is the least you can do,there is no such thing as a free lunch.

What are you talking about? Children are (or should be) a shared responsibility - Dawny1 is only suggesting that their father takes a proper share. As the amount of time that he has his children has reduced, and as children become more expensive to clothe etc as they get older, then of course he should increase his financial support to his children!

I think Dawny1 is right not to give the 2 weeks money back, perhaps its also a good time to point out how the balance of care has shifted - so an increase in maintenance for his children would be timely?

This is the least you can do,there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Don't feed the troll!

My ponit is simple,joint access,no extra money.women think they have a god given right to it.

My ponit is simple,joint access,no extra money.women think they have a god given right to it.

In this instance, the money is not for the woman, it's for the children that the man was happy enough to produce at the time. Children are the responsibility of both partners, and if there isn't shared care then the absent partner should contribute to their needs (whether it happens to be the mother or the father).

My ponit is simple,joint access,no extra money.women think they have a god given right to it.
The father does not use his joint access that's his choice, when i was divorced i know that the maintainance payments included a small payment to the mother of the children also, (not that i ever got any maintainance what so ever and bore the brunt of it alone.... i suppose that's ok though?) .
Tell me this why is it so wrong for a woman to stay home and care for her children? they already lost one parent do they have to lose the other one also to full time work? who do we want to bring up our precious children... a mother who loves them and will do her very best for them, or a paid worker in a creche or nursery? should we so easily pass on our responsibilities? children are precious and single parents struggle very hard to make the best of a bad job.
Climb down from your perch up in cloud cuckoo land and look a bit more deeply at reality.

The father does not use his joint access that's his choice,

...and what happened to the mother's choice may I ask? If two people decide to have children then it's a joint responsibility, both financially and in terms of spending time with them as they grow up.

Anyway, back to the point in question...

I think that 6 years is a long time for the maintenance payments to just stay the same. There's inflation to account for, plus as the kids get older, their needs change and they inevitably become more expensive to clothe, feed and look after.

Perhaps it's worth suggesting to your ex that now is a good time for you both to sit down and have a chat about their ongoing maintenance payments and childcare? He might increase the payments slightly or agree to pay half for large one-off costs like passports etc.

I think it's a bit rude of him to just cut down on the time he spends with them without even discussing it with you and just assuming that you'll be okay with it! Perhaps while you're at it you should revise that agreement as well. He probably has less free time if he's got a new family but he must be able to work out a compromise surely? Remember that you're entitled to have time for a new life as well!

[QUOTE=WildStar HR]...and what happened to the mother's choice may I ask?
Would have thought it was obvious.... she doesn't get one really does she :mad:

My ponit is simple,joint access,no extra money.women think they have a god given right to it.

If my ex had joint access and had the kids equally then fair enough I wouldn't expect more money - but he has them 4 days a month as I have already said when we first split it had them 14 days a month. This was his choice as I have never and would never stop him seeing his kids as and when he wishes.

I don't expect him to pay for absolutely everything as he has a new family with 2 step kids (bet their maintenace goes up though!) But I do expect a fair amount.

Thank goodness I am with a man who doesn't mind contributing both emotionally and financially towards children that aren't his, I am very lucky in that sense.

Dawny1, I like to ask a couple of questions if I may to get a better idea of the position you are in.

Do you know if your ex is currently supporting his step kids?
Does your ex, partner get any financial help from her ex toward their kids?

I notice nobody is arguing the corner of the kids in this debate :rolleyes:
(and Dawny, that's not aimed at you at all, it's aimed at the people who are trying to take sides off the back of your troubles ;) )

Nobody has questioned the cut-down time he has his kids from an emotional point of view....
Nobody has mentioned how the kids miss out by having what would be surplus income spent on necessity
Nobody has asked how Dawny's kids feel about their dad spending so much time with somebody else's kids

:shakes: :shakes: :shakes:

I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.

From the cannon pub thread:
I feel these people are our brothers and sisters,surely in a christian society we should show a degree of tolerance and understanding.
:D

*Burns Bible* :twisted:

Im not bad mouthing my ex but i do feel that he got an easy ride when we divorced,our daughter was 4yrs old at the time and the money we agreed on then never changed up to her leaving full time education at 17. He never paid a penny towards anything else other than one birthday party when she was about 7,as for access to her he would pick her up at 9 saturday morning and bring her back at 5 sunday evening,if for any reason i wanted to change this i was out of luck,therefore having to fork out for a babysitter on top of everything else,he had gone back to live with his mother and so had a live in babysitter.Holidays in all that time was a few days at Butlins when i think she was about 6,and when i took her most years there was never an offer of helping out with extra clothing or anything,never even gave her spending money for these holidays,he simply believed that what he paid in maintenance was the be all and end all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by princealbert
I feel you all need to get jobs and stop this nonsens,the good lord rewards them who work for a living.


From the cannon pub thread:

Quote:
Originally Posted by princealbert
I feel these people are our brothers and sisters,surely in a christian society we should show a degree of tolerance and understanding.




:D

*Burns Bible* :twisted:

LOL - well spotted! :D :hihi: :D