Being on the wrong side of the relationship at the moment I may be biased but I am becoming extremely aware of the number of seperations divorces and children in broken/step parent relationships.

I don't know why I have never realised this before...I mean there has to be a problem if it forces the government to set up specific agencies to deal with lone parents and the like.

I was always brought up to believe (despite my parents doing the marriage multiplications) that marriage is special and shouldn't be entered into lightly...I now find myself wondering what people have endured to keep the sanctity of marrige.

With now one marriage and another serious relationship under my belt I reckon that the population problem is probably keeping my Mr Right far too busy with Miss Wrong.

Anyone else got thoughts on this marriage thing?

Moon

Sorry to hear you're going through a bad patch ... keep looking forward though :-)

Here's what I think about love / marriage ...

Love is a precious thing ... kinda like a butterfly that comes to rest on your hand ... and when if comes and when it goes is a mystery ... it will not yield to a force of any kind.

Marriage is like trapping the butterfly in a guilded cage ... and saying "they're mine".

It seems more about ownership and being with someone because you have too ... and not just being with them because you love them and fills you with happiness when you're together.

very cynical. I enjoy being married. It's right for us anyway.
I'm 36, we've been together since I was 18, married for 11 years. It didn't have a bad effect on our relationship. I think it strengthened it.

I think it's something precious to keep and nurture and take care of.

I'm probably a bit young, well not young but unmarried anyway to be talking about this but I am still hopeful that one day I may have a marriage that might work.

I know lots of people separate and divorce but the majority of my friend's parents, my parents and relatives are in long, seemingly successful marriages. Not that I believe no one has problems - just some people work at them better than others.

Maybe

I guess that most relationships are like watching Sheffield Wednesday.

When it's good it's the best thing in the world - ever!

When it's bad, you would rather be anywhere doing anything else, but you can't seem to leave until the final whistle blows.

The third state is like watching Sheffield United - permanent mediocrity with low aspirations and a fight on a Saturday night after having too much to drink.

Originally posted by kookie
very cynical

I just knew I'd attract that kind of comment ...

I just think that it should be secondary to the feelings and the love that two people share ... that's the important bit.

If the feelings and love are gone and you're with someone just because you're married to them ... well ... that seems like madness to me.

Marriage should not last one day longer than the feelings and love you have for one another ... and if it does ... then it's a joke.

Sorry if that p***** anyone off.

It has it's ups and downs.. I've been married 18 years.. not bad for a 39 year old. Theres a thin line between love and hate I'd say. Sometimes we can be at each others throats, most times we're good friends, sometimes we co-exist. I reckon the co-existing times are the worst.
Though my kids are teens and kicking against us (as they do) I know they like the fact that they come home to Mom and Dad. Whether we're married or not is irrelevant really, it's the fact that it's there for them.. a bit of stability. Does that make sense?
Some people get married for the photos I think.
I have mates the same age as me who are divorced and I sometimes get a bit jealous of the free and easy life they seem to lead. Then one of them said sitting at home watching the box on your own waiting for the next night out to come around isn;t all it's cracked up to be.

I have been married twice, the first time for 20 years. When that relationship broke down I took the time to explore what went wrong. I looked at myself and what I needed to change and did the work on myself. As a hero of mine says "it doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, there are still two sides to it".
After 8 years I met a wonderful man, remarried and am having the time of my life. What I have learned is that you only get out of a relationship as much as you are willing to put in. Be honest with yourself and your partner and keep the lines of communication open. Marriage IS a great institution, if you are both willing to do the work necessary to make it work.

I think that might be what I was trying to say..

Originally posted by Jamie
I just knew I'd attract that kind of comment ...

That's cos you're a cynic Jamie...!! :P :D

I think marriage is right for some people, but I don't generally believe in forcing anything on anyone. I think people rush into it too quickly - how many (young) people do you expect to really think about the committment - it's supposed to be 'forever' not 'until I get bored'...

Originally posted by kookie
very cynical. I enjoy being married. It's right for us anyway.
I'm 36, we've been together since I was 18, married for 11 years. It didn't have a bad effect on our relationship. I think it strengthened it.

I think it's something precious to keep and nurture and take care of.

thats partly what I said too.
We didn't do it for the photos either.
We didn't tell anyone till after we'd got married, even parents. It was our day for us only, because we loved each other. Still do, even more than ever.

I think too many young people rush into marriage these days. The amount of people that seem to get engaged after a few months of being together is quite silly. Any relationship rushed into is always more likely to fall apart later. Decisions of that magnitude should never be rushed into.

From my point of view, I don't see why marriage is needed to commit yourself to someone you love. I would happily live with someone and raise a family without marriage. At least if the unthinkable did happen and everything fell apart, the separations would be less stressful. If I did get married, i think getting married in a church would be right out. Not being religious, i think it would be extremely dis-respectful to the religion to marry infront of a god that was not mine. A lot of people seem to do this though, which surely is sacrilegious to the religion involved.

Though I am still young and i'm sure my views may well change.

I think the off spring of the divorced parents (like myself) do want marrige alot quicker because they realise how easy it is and dont want to experience losing that family feeling and security so when you meet someone you really love you want to secure it asap and try to stop them getting away i sometimes think this but my bloke understands how scared i am of losing everything i have as i did before (as my mum and dad now have there own lives not concerning me). IMO the people get wed then realise why after. Im not Saying every one does this but in my experiences (friends and stuff) this is how it seems.

IMHO I think that marriage should not be thought of as all hearts and flowers, as it isn't. It can be like a business partnership at times and thinking of it as that at these times probably helps.

I heard a saying at a friends wedding the other day that struck a cord with me and a few others there.

"any fool can be "in love" but it is a lot harder to just love"

Also , probably not good advice but, children make a difference and probably help keep couples together.

I will anticipate plenty of negativity to that one.

Originally posted by bonny
IMHO I think that marriage should not be thought of as all hearts and flowers, as it isn't. It can be like a business partnership at times and thinking of it as that at these times probably helps.

I heard a saying at a friends wedding the other day that struck a cord with me and a few others there.

"any fool can be "in love" but it is a lot harder to just love"

Also , probably not good advice but, children make a difference and probably help keep couples together.

I will anticipate plenty of negativity to that one.

If there are problems in a relationship then having children will not solve them. Children put a lot of extra financial and emotional burdens on a couple. Children aren't to be thought of glue to keep two adults together. If you bring children into this world they have to right to have two parents who love each other and who will create a loving and secure environment for them to be raised in. Of course, relationships do break down and children are raised in less than ideal situations, that is a fact of life. However, I still have trouble with adults who think that having children is the answer when they are all ready proving to be incapable of working out their problems. As for staying together for the sake of the children. Well, children know far more than we think and can be damaged just as much living with two unhappy, resentful parents.

Well I was married for less than 2 years. He was violent so I left him.

I have had 6 serious proposals of marriage, 2 within 2 months from different men (don't ask, it's not as bad as it sounds, not on my part anyway!!) I accepted one (possibly the worst of the lot too!) and would never do it again.

Marriage *is* an instituation and I for one don't want to be institutionalised!!

If/When me and my other half get married, it will be as a Handfasting - that is, a ceremony where we promise to look after each other and care for one another as long as love shall last.
Too many people get married promising forever, which a few years down the line can seem too long. People change, lives change, needs change. Maybe that's why there is such a high divorce rate. We no longer need the rigidity of a church wedding, where two people are bound together forever. Because of education, better jobs and a general improvement in money availability, it is no longer necessary to bind yourself to another because it's expected.

We could look at children in the same way. They are born, and we promise to love them forever. They live with us as they grow older, and our relationship with them develops and changes constantly. But to then force them to continue living at home once fully grown, despite their needs having changed completely, just because you are their parent, would cause nothing but problems. Some offspring live with their parents forever, some leave and never return, others leave then return later. The point is that you cannot determine what the future holds for yourself, let alone another person. Traditional marriage doesnt allow for that flexibility.

i hope I havent confused people with this post. I know what I'm trying to say!! :)

actually I think you need to look for a different cause rather than the 'church' marraige. The binding of two people can like most things be traced back to pagan peoples. Two tribes desire to bring peace would be made by the chieftans offspring being bound in marriage of some description.
Liek most things many of the rituals surrounding marriage have their source in pagan ritual - ya know I couldn't resist.

I see your points with the way marriage is viewed and perhaps my comments on my meeting mr right were affected by population could well be true.
I do think it is highly possible to find one person with whom you can find the rest of your life with and be happy....i just obviously haven't found them yet.

Ho Hum

Moon

Apparently swans do it (mate for life).

In the human realm however ... I guess anything goes and it depends largely on the temperiment and desires of the individuals invlolved.

I don't think you (or anyone else) should feel that you need to find a 'mr right' ... unless that desire comes from within you and you're not simply echoing what you feel society expects of you.

Originally posted by Banksia
If there are problems in a relationship then having children will not solve them. Children put a lot of extra financial and emotional burdens on a couple. Children aren't to be thought of glue to keep two adults together. If you bring children into this world they have to right to have two parents who love each other and who will create a loving and secure environment for them to be raised in. Of course, relationships do break down and children are raised in less than ideal situations, that is a fact of life. However, I still have trouble with adults who think that having children is the answer when they are all ready proving to be incapable of working out their problems. As for staying together for the sake of the children. Well, children know far more than we think and can be damaged just as much living with two unhappy, resentful parents.

I'm sorry, I don't think I worded my post correctly. My intention was not to say that having children will keep you together.

What I was trying to put across, badly, was that the fact that me and my husband have children makes us work harder at our marriage.

I have discussed this with other married friends. Some feel that if they had not had children and carried on the way they were they may not have been still happily married.

From my own perspective there have been slight problems, as we all have, at times. If we hadn't got our children it would have been a lot easier to "throw the towel in". Our arguments are very few now as we have to practice tolerance more than ever with 2 little ones around. Also we want to set a good example of how to behave to our children. In doing this we learn ourselves how to be respectful on a greater level than before.

That was basically what I meant to say. I do not agree with having children to save a relationship. It also goes without saying that if a relationship is voilent or abusive, get the h3ll out!

Originally posted by FetishFairy
Well I was married for less than 2 years. He was violent so I left him.

I have had 6 serious proposals of marriage, 2 within 2 months from different men (don't ask, it's not as bad as it sounds, not on my part anyway!!) I accepted one (possibly the worst of the lot too!) and would never do it again.

Marriage *is* an instituation and I for one don't want to be institutionalised!!

Ever explored why you attract these types of men FetishFairy ?
Any violence and/or abandonment in your history ?

I have been married for just over a month,it isn't really that different from living together as we were before but there is more of a feeling of solidity to it. Neither me or my partner ever thought we would get married, but with us it has always just felt so right and natural and we both take the "forever" bit very seriously.
I have a child from a previous relationship, because that was such a bad relationship it made me more sure of how good this one is.

One thing that does annoy me about marriage is the actual wedding and hpw carried away people can get with the "big day", its not about that and i would happily have been married in me jeans and DMs so long as we both meant it:)

Little witch - I had some friends way back when who were hand fasted and they said it meant they were to be together for a year and a day - did they get it wrong?

Only now that I'm older do I realise how fortunate I have been to have gained the greatest gift in life that I could have aquired in all eternity. A wife who has loved me throughout 20+ years of marriage and helped me make two Kids of which we're immensely proud of.

If we were skint tomorrow we would survive
because we live to love each other.

we're still young, the majority of our lives have been spent together from 18 and 16 respectively. with a graduate daughter and a son heading for good things in the future.

We are Married!

Originally posted by bulldog D
Only now that I'm older do I realise how fortunate I have been to have gained the greatest gift in life that I could have aquired in all eternity. A wife who has loved me throughout 20+ years of marriage and helped me make two Kids of which we're immensely proud of.

If we were skint tomorrow we would survive
because we live to love each other.

we're still young, the majority of our lives have been spent together from 18 and 16 respectively. with a graduate daughter and a son heading for good things in the future.

We are Married!

That is what I'm aiming for!!! Only been at it 7 years at the moment but love each other probably more, now that we have children.

Originally posted by Jamie
Apparently swans do it (mate for life).

It's a myth.

Male and female swans sleep around.

Lots of spiders do mate for life. Sadly for the male in the relationship, his life does not extend beyond the first sex act, as he gets his head bitten off halfway through.

Deep Sea Angler fish also mate for life, in that the male becomes absorbed into the Females body and from then on acts as a sperm organ. Female Angler Fish may have as many as six males attached - bodies atrophied beyond recognition, totally dependent on the female for blood supply , nutrition etc.

None of these animals get married, but to me the processes are not altogether too dissimilar... (j/k)

Originally posted by Phanerothyme
It's a myth.

Male and female swans sleep around.

Lots of spiders do mate for life. Sadly for the male in the relationship, his life does not extend beyond the first sex act, as he gets his head bitten off halfway through.

Deep Sea Angler fish also mate for life, in that the male becomes absorbed into the Females body and from then on acts as a sperm organ. Female Angler Fish may have as many as six males attached - bodies atrophied beyond recognition, totally dependent on the female for blood supply , nutrition etc.

None of these animals get married, but to me the processes are not altogether too dissimilar... (j/k)
Well now we know where the saying "cold fish" comes from

Originally posted by bulldog D
Only now that I'm older do I realise how fortunate I have been to have gained the greatest gift in life that I could have aquired in all eternity. A wife who has loved me throughout 20+ years of marriage and helped me make two Kids of which we're immensely proud of.

If we were skint tomorrow we would survive
because we live to love each other.

we're still young, the majority of our lives have been spent together from 18 and 16 respectively. with a graduate daughter and a son heading for good things in the future.

We are Married!
That brought a tear to my eye,brilliant,wish i was like that.
I'divorced by the way:confused:

Marriage is the price men pay for sex, and sex is the price women pay for marriage.

Originally posted by Sam Miguel
Marriage is the price men pay for sex, and sex is the price women pay for marriage.

Yes and men marry women hoping they will never change, women marry men hoping they will.

The only way I want to get married is at Las Vegas-drunk and wearing jeans and flip flops and been given away by an elvis impersonator. Im such a romantic. I couldnt be bothered to plan the thing to begin with and would rather spend the money on a holiday.

I think the idea of marriage is nice, but not needed and I always think that with marriage deep down some people think they have "proved" their relationship with a piece of paper when in reality relationships need constant nurchuring.

I think marriage is as tough as all relationsips and people are often not honest with themselves never mind others! I see married people all the time (but yes, less than divorced/unhappy/cheating etc ones), often sniping at each other, festering insecurities, diminshing the other persons ideas and dreams... all sorts of 'sweet romantic gestures' within this inner sactum of state and religion certified love.

Its a crazy world and not enough emphasis is on happiness, inner peace, health, self knowledge or consciousness, consideration or thought for others.

Hopefully, the signs i'm seeing of more people who understand 'love', for themselves and others and a deep felt consideration for ALL people give me hope that perceptions and expectations will change.

Maybe then, people can live in a world without bitterness and negativity and love can grow and grow - or at least, when it is done...respect and a different type of 'love' will remain?:D

For the pain tho, acceptance and love heals all:)