Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in.
" Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis, what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne, what do you believe?"

"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."

Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christiano Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yacht's top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling ... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!". "That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows sod-all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

Brilliant, the pair of you, go to the top of the class :D :D

Breaking news - Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of war crimes and genocide. He is to face death by firing squad. The only concession is that the tribunal has allowed him to select his executioners.

He chose Frank Lampard, Jamie Carragher..........................