I've had the last straw today. My Mum's best friend died on Thursday last week, she's known her since she was 4, in other words 1953. Her best friend was only 58, her daughter is thirty five, and she has toddler grandchildren. They've been friends and in touch since then even though they've lived 200 miles apart for 25 years.

For years my Mum (who is from a very working class Salford family, as is my Dad) has done questionable stuff. She tried to get me put into care but when she couldn't she put me into boarding school and paid for me to be taken care of during the holidays, then when I finished schoool she wouldn't have me home. And I'm really not complaining about that, I had a great time but I missed her and I knew she didn't want me home but I met my husband when I left and I dealt with it.

Over the years I've got used to her doing mean things to friends and family. She was surprised when she got written out of her Aunts will when she went to see her twice in ten years even though she lived ten minutes from my Gran. Every wedding that comes round 'isn't that important' she will never make it to a funeral for some excuse. She didn't want to come to my wedding, and she blanks her goddaughters letters about her children.

But not going to her friends funeral after fifty years and not caring (which she said) and saying that it didnt matter is rough.

Please tell me what I already know. I should stop waiting for her to change shouldn't I?

im afraid so, she must have her reasons for bieng as she is

ive an ex wife thats similar,she left our kids,but 18 months later puts in for access, never turns up then reapplies again saying the kids never turned up to meet her,even though the kids did,she never sends them presents but tells her solicitor she has spent hundreds of pounds on them, makes you wonder about some people, best of luck with your mum,but i fear she wont or cant change

im afraid so, she must have her reasons for bieng as she is

ive an ex wife thats similar,she left our kids,but 18 months later puts in for access, never turns up then reapplies again saying the kids never turned up to meet her,even though the kids did,she never sends them presents but tells her solicitor she has spent hundreds of pounds on them, makes you wonder about some people, best of luck with your mum,but i fear she wont or cant change


We're not all so good are we? At least I've got to talk to my Dad about the footie.

We're not all so good are we? At least I've got to talk to my Dad about the footie.

When she lets me, which isn't often..................

That is such a sad story. What struck me most was when you said after all that, you missed your mum. I can't understand how anyone can be so uncaring towards anyone especially her children. From what you wrote I see that none of that rubbed off on you and you thankfully seem to be totally opposite.

im afraid so, she must have her reasons for bieng as she is

ive an ex wife thats similar,she left our kids,but 18 months later puts in for access, never turns up then reapplies again saying the kids never turned up to meet her,even though the kids did,she never sends them presents but tells her solicitor she has spent hundreds of pounds on them, makes you wonder about some people, best of luck with your mum,but i fear she wont or cant change

Sorry sal, but I'm with Depoix on this one, my mum's very similar, although not to this extreme.

She's hostile and generally bitter and then can't understand why pple don't like her / won't talk to her.

I'm glad you've got your dad to talk to, you didn't mention any other family, but don't get yourself hung up on your mum, she's probably never gonna change.

Sorry sal, but I'm with Depoix on this one, my mum's very similar, although not to this extreme.

She's hostile and generally bitter and then can't understand why pple don't like her / won't talk to her.

I'm glad you've got your dad to talk to, you didn't mention any other family, but don't get yourself hung up on your mum, she's probably never gonna change.

Pert foxy, the worst thing is she is probably one of the most charming interesting women you could meet. I love spending time with her. That's why it is tough.

Pert foxy, the worst thing is she is probably one of the most charming interesting women you could meet. I love spending time with her. That's why it is tough.

Have you tried just being friends as opposed to mum and daughter <?> ??

I know it's possible to have friends and know their faults, maybe your relationship has gone beyond a point where you can have a mother-child relationship and so maybe try the friendship one?

Have you tried just being friends as opposed to mum and daughter <?> ??

I know it's possible to have friends and know their faults, maybe your relationship has gone beyond a point where you can have a mother-child relationship and so maybe try the friendship one?

Been and gone. She gets tired of it before it starts.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh it just goes to show how true the old expresion of " can choose your friends but not your family " is
try not to worry about it what goes around comes around

How sad Sally. My husbands mother was like this(only worse).Remember two things : Blood is not thicker than water and A leopard never changes its spots. :thumbsup:

Shes got something amiss in her personality ,shes flawed ,I don't know why but people don't change at her age .
Its her loss, you sound like this is the only thing in your life troubling you .
Don't take it personal its not about you its about her, shes a lost cause so stop waiting for her to change she can't

Sally, don't look at how she's acting now hun, is there something in her own childhood that has mede her fearfull of bonding with people?

Something huge in emotional loss to a child?

Something she may not have even told you?

If so - I hope this will help you to accept her as she is - however much you are different to her.

Shes got something amiss in her personality ,shes flawed ,I don't know why but people don't change at her age .


I don't know, I think sometimes they can. Our dad was an utter b*****d to us when we were young, even for a time when we'd grown up. Somehow he's slowly changed and mellowed and is actually quite warm and friendly these days. He's in his 70s now and he still has the odd moments where the old him comes back but me and my brother have established some kind of relationship with him now. It's hard to forget all the awful things that happened but I think we've gone some way to forgiving some things. I think people can change but the frustrating thing is waiting for them to be ready to do it. I wish I didn't have to wait until I was 30 to feel like I had a dad.

Sally, don't look at how she's acting now hun, is there something in her own childhood that has mede her fearfull of bonding with people?

Something huge in emotional loss to a child?

Something she may not have even told you?

If so - I hope this will help you to accept her as she is - however much you are different to her.

Nope. We've been through this together. She had a really really good childhood.

And I totally accept her but she won't accept me. Everytime I twist myself round to dodge a bullet she makes it fire the other way where she can't miss.

Hve you approached her directly about why she is like she is?
If you have and it hasn't helped or haven't and wouldn't try, then I would try to move on and be glad that I wasn't like that.
If you wanted to try, perhaps it would open some very difficult paths of communication but which may lead to something better or possibly worse at the end.