I raise this topic today because I have reread a few of timo's recent contributions to SF and decided all may not be as it seems.

OK, he has blown the lid off the doings involving the Central University of Neepsend Tip Site.......but what about the well-being and future prospects for the many students about to receive graduation honours shortly?

Has he done them a service, or blighted their lives, perhaps forever?

In addition to his whistleblowing regarding that edifice, he compounds the misery by producing a balance of payments crisis with all these wobble boards and didgeridoos currently being imported from Australia.

His thread posted on here regarding "Our Rolf" has resulted in a run on the Pound Sterling and horrendous falls in the FTSE Index.

So, is he truly a nice man, or a scoundrel using big words to promote the financial downfall of this nation and its students?

His thread posted on here regarding "Our Rolf" has resulted in a run on the Pound Sterling and horrendous falls in the FTSE Index.


I suspect the falls on the FTSE are because of the US economy and its huge woes (trade deficit / inflation / sliding dollar) rather than Timo's 'influence' :)

Z

He's an all round good egg.

Let us consider some of his postings in this forum;

I would shoot anything that moved, from Sparrows to Dustmen.

On the subject of hotpants [ I write, flushed of face, with trembling fingers] I too recall these delightful, bottom-encasing garments...

He should be slapped until he curses his own mother for giving birth to him, and then gang-buggered by rabid Barbary Apes.

Just had sex with Vanessa Feltz

Are you as daft as you look on your avatar?

My wife is away for the week. Just knock twice and ask for 'Big T'.

Whilst the above give me considerable cause for concern, my opinion of the man as a sick individual in need of immediate treatment was surely confirmed by the following;

What was your first gig?Jimmy Clitheroe, Scarborough 1967. :help:

The phrase "splendid cove" springs to mind ( http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=%22cove%22+site%3Awww.sheffieldforum.co.uk&meta= ) ;)

He was looking into having me sued for libel last I heard from him. I upset him with a wise-crack about the Tory party...

He's an all round good egg.

So you're not bothered about all these youngsters buying wobbleboards in the shops, and the droning sounds of the didgeridoo at every street corner after 9.pm at night? :confused:

Although at times he comes across as a borgoise Tory, I have to say in his defence that he does occaionally acknowledge when he's wrong. I find that to be a very commndable trait.

Z

So, is he truly a nice man, or a scoundrel using big words to promote the financial downfall of this nation and its students?

Dunno.

Never met him:)

Let us consider some of his postings in this forum;

On the subject of hotpants [ I write, flushed of face, with trembling fingers] I too recall these delightful, bottom-encasing garments...

He should be slapped until he curses his own mother for giving birth to him, and then gang-buggered by rabid Barbary Apes.


If I'm totally honest, I found those quotes hillarious......

Are you a postgraduate of Central University Neepsend Tip Site Zafar?

Isn't the medication working? :)

Although at times he comes across as a borgoise Tory, I have to say in his defence that he does occaionally acknowledge when he's wrong. I find that to be a very commndable trait.

Z


And if you are really nice, I am sure that he will even help you with your spelling :thumbsup:

And if you are really nice, I am sure that he will even help you with your spelling :thumbsup:

OhOh.....timo's sidekick's here....:hihi:

Oh, bugger!

Better start being nice. ;)

And if you are really nice, I am sure that he will even help you with your spelling :thumbsup:


LOL, thats the second time today my spelling has been mentioned.
'Is it cos I is tanned all year round ?'

Perhaps we can get a spellchecker installed into SF ?

Z

Zafar holds a senior position in my New League of Empire Loyalists, I'll have you know! Let's face it, Shoeshine, you are still smarting because I accurately described your postings as 'the demented, Lucosade-crazed ramblings of a former Abbatoir hose-cleaner'. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Of course, we all know too that you will always hold a grudge against Central University Neepsend Tip Site because we rejected your application to study on our BSc. Hard Sums course. Your application to the Dept of Combined Boating and Proctology [ there is a spelling mistake in the prospectus- we offer 'Canal Fun'] will also fail. Certificates for ' Cycling Proficiency' and for swimming two lengths of the former Sutherland Road Swimming Baths in 1933 are not a passport to the exciting, vibrant and throbbing world of higher education. This thread is a testimony to your sour, senile bitterness...

Are you a postgraduate of Central University Neepsend Tip Site Zafar?

Isn't the medication working? :)


Isn't that somewhere up 'Norf' ? :)

Z

Oh, bugger!

Better start being nice. ;)

Why is it that everytime timo and LordChaverly meet on the same thread, and I have a feeling that's about to happen, I sit here on double doses of tranquiliser awaiting the burning fuse to reach the explosive? :)

Zafar holds a senior position in my New League of Empire Loyalists, I'll have you know! Let's face it, Shoeshine, you are still smarting because I accurately described your postings as 'the demented, Lucosade-crazed ramblings of a former Abbatoir hose-cleaner'. The truth hurts, doesn't it? Of course, we all know too that you will always hold a grudge against Central University Neepsend Tip Site because we rejected your application to study on our BSc. Hard Sums course. Your application to the Dept of Combined Boating and Proctology [ there is a spelling mistake in the prospectus- we offer 'Canal Fun'] will also fail. Certificates for ' Cycling Proficiency' and for swimming two lengths of the former Sutherland Road Swimming Baths in 1933 are not a passport to the exciting, vibrant and throbbing world of higher education. This thread is a testimony to your sour, senile bitterness...

LOL which empire is that ? The Neepsend Possie ?

Z

The Health and Efficiency Magazine gained a large following in earlier years of the last century.......mainly among the male population eager to expand on their knowledge of the original League of Empire Loyalists.

It was a sort of "House" Publication for its followers......I think I missed a word out there. Never mind.

The followers often had their photos published during the "leisure" moments during Annual Conferences.

Perhaps timo has in mind re-branding the League as the "New LoEL's", a bit like Mr. Blair and others did to the Labour Party. :)

He's an all round good egg.

Yes - he's a top bloke!

:)

So you're not bothered about all these youngsters buying wobbleboards in the shops, and the droning sounds of the didgeridoo at every street corner after 9.pm at night? :confused:


I welcome this....

I must say I like Timo because I don't know what he's saying half the time, anyone that clever ,your better off being on there side than not!:hihi:

All you timo supporters don't know a half or a quarter about this person you seemingly revere.

I heard it from a very unreliable source that timo's first job upon leaving the Lesser Blissett Junior Mixed & Infant's School (expelled for using long words at a teacher) was as Charlie Chaplin's walking stick.

He was made redundant after tripping poor Charlie up whilst walking down Regent Street, Lesser Blissett. timo went on the dole, whilst Mr. Chaplin used the accident to further his career by doing a funny walk and slapstick copies re-acting his travails of that day.

timo, so I was told, spent a few years as a tambourine busker outside the Dog & Duck Pub, Greater Blissett and specialised in practising and performing outside pub opening hours.

Ultimately timo joined up with Billy Butlin and laid the Foundation Stone for Mr. Butlin's first Holiday Camp at Skegvegas in 1936. Unfortunately he laid the Foundation Stone from a standing height onto his employer's foot!

It was sometime later that he applied for the Vice-Chancellor's job at the Central University Neepsend Tip Site, and I was told he fiddled his curriculum vitae. More of that later.

Poppins,
I like you too, for your quaint New World Colonist ways. Sorry for once mistakenly accusing you of being a huge, bearded, toothless Appalachian 'backwoods man' with a penchant for the 'purty mouths' of unfortunate trespassers. You are definately not in the credits for the film, 'Deliverance'.

Never mind all this paleo twaddle timo. You are slowly coming undone in the trouser department, in more ways than one.

It's all unravelling before you. Please adjust your zip northwards if you don't mind!

A little later I shall tell the rest of my story to your fawning supporters as disclosed to me by my unreliable pal. You won't escape, you can't escape!

As sure as Sherlock's enemy was Moriaty, I shall be timo's greatest adversary Moroniaty.

Poppins,
I like you too, for your quaint New World Colonist ways. Sorry for once mistakenly accusing you of being a huge, bearded, toothless Appalachian 'backwoods man' with a penchant for the 'purty mouths' of unfortunate trespassers. You are definately not in the credits for the film, 'Deliverance'.

You mean that was you, ? I never knew that, honest:huh: you must still think it or you wouldn't have botherd to type the whole thing out again on the forum would you, i'm not a MAN either.

Now I'm afraid to ask what a New World Colonist is:suspect:

'Our' Timo is indeed a treasure among men - an intellectual and gifted raconteur of the first magnitude; an excellent fellow and 'renaissance man' of the kind so sorely lacking in today's society; a man unafraid to air his views, however unpalatable they may be to certain others; a man determined to blow the lid off dodgy practices and scurrilous 'doings', whether the perpetrator be a humble man-in-the-street or a well-loved, nay beloved, family entertainer of many years service to the nation; a renowned lover of legendary, nay consumate, skill and expertise in FOUR continents I think it was? (we have to take his word for this ;) ); overall, a thoroughly decent cove in the best British tradition and a credit to his nation.

As for Timo being NICE, however..... Timo knows I love him dearly, but I'm sure he won't be offended with me (I hope :help: ), if I say the phrase 'nice man' does not immediately leap to mind.....

Indeed, if I may make so bold, I proffer the thought that Timo himself may well be shuddering at the idea that the rather insipid and unexciting adjective 'nice' has tentatively been applied to his good self :D

StarSparkle :)

You are slowly coming undone in the trouser department, in more ways than one.


I have it on very good authority, namely the Greater Manchester Police Authority, that timo has indeed been found wanting in the “trouser department” on more than one occasion.

I believe there are mitigating circumstances, however. I have undertaken considerable research, and have discovered that timo played the part of “third pallid youth” in Rolf’s infamous anti-smoking public information films of the early 70’s. Imagine the untold horror of sharing a swimming pool, semi-naked, with the hirsute beast of the antipodes. It is a fate from which many of us would never have recovered fully, so I must view timos’ noxious ramblings with some equanimity.

I will, however, never be able to forgive the odious Mr Harris for his part in this sad and, indeed, sordid affair and should I be unfortunate enough to meet him I will not hesitate to introduce him to his didgeridoo more intimately than he could imagine possible in his worst, well-deserved, nightmares!! :rant:

I think he a very clever man that just lacks Class.:)

I think he a very clever man that just lacks Class.:)

Gee, there I was thinking you were peeky swell.

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

deadheadfred........you've just burned my tiffin toast!

poppins, you are starting to swing lazily my way aren't you, you little Annie Oakley of the 21st Century? :)

God, now I'm Annie Oakley:rolleyes:

God, now I'm Annie Oakley:rolleyes:

Don't knock it poppins, the alternative could well have been Monica Lewinsky :)

Poppins,

You are fortunate enough to live on the other side of the pond, rather than the other side of the pennines. It would be far more difficult for timo to seek retribution against yourself than many others amongst us........

Please, therefore, feel free to express your feelings with much more animosity than hitherto.

Go on, you know you want to! :thumbsup:

Poppins,

You are fortunate enough to live on the other side of the pond, rather than the other side of the pennines. It would be far more difficult for timo to seek retribution against yourself than many others amongst us........

Please, therefore, feel free to express your feelings with much more animosity than hitherto.

Go on, you know you want to! :thumbsup:

Sorry fred I don't get your meaning, if you are trying to get me to talk BAD about Timo........i'm sorry it's not going to work pal.

Sorry fred I don't get your meaning, if you are trying to get me to talk BAD about Timo........i'm sorry it's not going to work pal.

Heavens forbid, Poppins. I have great respect for the man for dealing so admirably with his childhood tribulations. I would let no man speak ill of the poor, afflicted soul. His sorry state is not of his own making, and my sympathies are with him always.

We must, however, occasionally berate the poor fellow for his own good. Were it not so, I fear his megalomaniac tendencies would gain the ascendancy and this would become a one-man forum.

So, to progress with the "real timo" history

timo was a like-able young dapper chappie, doing his best to mix in with the other misfits frequenting Skegvegas in the 1950's.

Indeed he prided himself on being the Founder of "The Skeggie Set", a group famous at the time for wearing Oxford Bags (Marks and Sparks), Fair Isle Cardigans, collarless shirts and of course the essential Brown Brogue Shoes complete with "Skull and Crossbones" Spats.

The "Skeggie Set" was a sort of spin-off from the "Chelsea Set" but with upmarket pretensions..

This truly frightening sight of timo promenading down the Front at Skegvegas led to him being offered regular employment as an exhibit in the newly-build Ghost Train at the Pleasure Park. (as it was called at the time).

None of this history was mentioned on timo's C.V. somewhat later, or discussed at the interview for the Central University of Neepsend Tip Site Vice Chancellor Vacancy.

I wonder why? And sometimes I wonder why I'm wondering why!

And sometimes I wonder why I wonder why I'm wondering why. I wonder.

It's all a wonder to me!

I bet you are all wondering too! :)

He's nice for a Tory :) (mmph, sorry, had to grit my teeth so hard to get that out, I think I've broken a crown)

If he stops using expressions such as "genetic refuse", I might even let him have a gypsy cream.

He's nice for a Tory :) (mmph, sorry, had to grit my teeth so hard to get that out, I think I've broken a crown)

If he stops using expressions such as "genetic refuse", I might even let him have a gypsy cream.

You've never refused me one before, my dear hot infusion of Indian/Chinese leaves. Mind you, my request for a Highland finger fell on deaf ears...

You've never refused me one before, my dear hot infusion of Indian/Chinese leaves. Mind you, my request for a Highland finger fell on deaf ears...

I was still reeling from that "Arbroath Smokey" you gave me. It was more overpowering than my ex's haddock pasties.

You're a good sport, Timo old bean :thumbsup:

StarSparkle :)

timo was a like-able young dapper chappie, doing his best to mix in with the other misfits frequenting Skegvegas in the 1950's.


It is no coincidence that Camel rides are available upon the glorious beaches of Skegvegas.

The presence of the unfortunate animals in such unsuitable climes results from timos’ employment in the capacity of Tourism Development Advisor for the jewel of the coast. It transpires that his reference to “the beast with two backs” was misconstrued by Councillor Flossie Wandyke, leading to the importation of a number of dromedaries, resulting in them suffering the ignominy of being used for purposes of recreation and enjoyment.

The majority of these unfortunate animals are now retired, and residing at Irby in the Marsh in as much anonimity as is possible for large and oddly-shapen ungulates.

The primary leisure activity in Skegvegas today, so I am informed, is to be found by waiting outside the Highwayman Inn at chucking-out time. This is when the avid, pleasure-seeking sportsman may get an opportunity to “spear the bearded clam”.

More 'Adoration of the Timo' from Shoey et al. This is a fine way to treat your Philosopher-King and spiritual leader.

I have of course heard of Councillor Flossie Wandyke. She truly was a legend at the time. It was rumoured that timo and Flossie were once caught at the rear of Samson's Oyster Pie and Whelk Stall facing the Clock Tower.......sharing a pot of Cockles.....and without vinegar too!

There are also strong rumours that the ensuing scandal of illegal Cockle Popping (as it was called in those days) resulted in Flossie losing her seat, and a bit later her Seat on Skegvegas Town Council. What a mess!

Flossie Wandyke never lived it down and it still gets column inches in the Skegness Free Press and Entertainment Guide.

She found solace stitching the wording on "Kiss me Quick" Hats. She never really recovered from the disgrace and took to heavy drinking on the job.

There were reports that she secretly changed the wording on a large batch of hats bound for export to The Gabba at Brisbane where the MCC were to play a friendly one-day match against an Australian side as a warm-up to the 1969 Test Series.

Flossie, of course, packed all the hats with genuine "Kiss me Quick" stitching on top of the fake ones in the boxes.

As you can imagine, the Aussie cricket lovers bought them like hot cakes, stuck them on their heads in the hot midday sun, and what a sight The Gabba was that day. :o

1% of the crowd had "Kiss Me Quick" on the Sun Hats :o :o and 99% wore the modified Sun Hats with "Kiss My Ass timo". :thumbsup:

The MMC lost The Gabba match and left the stadium for Sydney under Armed Guard.

Aussies being Aussies, many of the offending hats were retained as reminders of victory that day.

There were lots of them worn by the Aussie supporters at Lords during the Test Series last year.

We note deadly silence from timo now the full story of Flossie Wandyke, the cockle and the hat scandals have been published.

One can only draw the conclusion that the truth is too hard to bear!

Timo is very warm and wholesome, like just baked brown bread.

Watch out timo! Nick2 reckons you're "brown bread". That's fighting talk where I come from. Seems he's going to "bake" you. I'd surround your delicate personage with some burly bruisers if I were you.

We note deadly silence from timo now the full story of Flossie Wandyke, the cockle and the hat scandals have been published.

One can only draw the conclusion that the truth is too hard to bear!

My dear Shoey,

I was speaking to Flossie but yesterday. She has significant difficulty in communicating these days as her gnarled and withered hands struggle to deal with the “candlestick” type of telephone still prevalent in that bracing idyll of the east. Her mind is no longer so vibrant either, due to the effects of the Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatment she was obliged to endure following the camel affair, but she still has her moments of lucidity and remembers timo quite clearly.

She cites him with sole responsibility for her decline from grace. Subsequent to the incident, she was forced to resign her position on the council and the WRVS stripped her of her rank of “sergeant-at-arms” for the Skeg branch, even going so far as to demand return of her ceremonial whip. Her ample proportions have been noticeably absent from the societys’ S&M calendar in recent years, leading to the branch calling in the receivers due to the fall in demand for the article following Flossie’s removal as “Miss December”.

She was not surprised at the alacrity with which timo departed. Her condition at the time probably had as much bearing upon this as the other fates which had befallen her. She asks that, should anybody have contact with timo, the following message should be relayed;

“Tell ‘im ah’ve podded, and if yon daft bugger wants to see ‘is kid e’ll find ‘er int yeller pages under t’number for t’spearmint ungulate”.

She asks to be reminded to you, Shoey – “such a dear, sweet boy” is how she remembers you – until she becomes lucid once more.

Watch out timo! Nick2 reckons you're "brown bread". That's fighting talk where I come from. Seems he's going to "bake" you. I'd surround your delicate personage with some burly bruisers if I were you.

My personage isn't that delicate.

Watch out timo! Nick2 reckons you're "brown bread". That's fighting talk where I come from. Seems he's going to "bake" you. I'd surround your delicate personage with some burly bruisers if I were you.

Teafan,
I have always endeavoured to draw a veil over where you 'came from', in case it introduced an element of self-consciousness into conversation. Re Nick2, may I assure you that he is very much an ally on the forum. He is also much more generous with the custard creams than you are, not to mention his chocolate fingers.

He is also much more generous with the custard creams than you are, not to mention his chocolate fingers.

And you are nothing but lavish with your gentleman's relish.

And you are nothing but lavish with your gentleman's relish.

One tries, one tries. You really must sample a Lancashire Oven Bottom too, Nick.

deadheadfred, you have no idea how glad I am that dear old deluded Flossie remembers me in her less than lucid moments.

She knew me when I was a Mat Weaver on the Skeggie Helter Skelter Ride.

How things turn out in life. :o

Two people share a pot of cockles, one ends up in the nuthouse, the other is Vice Chancellor of the Central University Neepsend Tip Site.

Both the same sad endings really. It must have been something in the Cockles. :o :o :o

Just humour him, fellow posters. We have a sacred duty to make this bewildered Veteran of the Boer War feel like he 'belongs' in what must seem like an increasingly unfamiliar, if not alien world. If that involves allowing him to invent tales of my fictitious romances with cockle-guzzling femme fatales, then so be it. I solemnly promise never again to shout, 'Nurse! Nurse! Shoeshine's out of bed again' whenever the poor man is having one of his distressing 'episodes'. I blame Lucosade addiction for exacerbating his symptoms of confusion and mental distress, personally. Fellow posters will not be aware, but Shoeshine has recently been spotted at Manchester Airport, attempting to feed the planes after they have landed. It is tragic, tragic. He is not allowed donkey rides when visiting his beloved Skegvegas either, and for good reason. Two years ago, whilst under what was supposed to be 'supervision', the mad soul believed himself to be Mounted Infantry in the Transvaal, circa 1900s, and trampled a party of 'Boers' on the beach. Those poor blind children were so very upset, and several needed hospital treatment.

Take no notice of this Wandering Minstrel of Words.....he's been on the Lunchtime Tequila Break again. :loopy:

Anyway, less of this false bonhomie and chit-chat. Let's follow the strange life of timo after the Skegvegas days.

After getting a restriction/exclusion order from Skeggie Council for the scandal involving Flossie and a pot of Cockles, he wrapped all his worldly goods, comprising a penknife and Dictionary With Big Words in it (plus a handwritten note with the "Paleo" preposition on it in case he forgot to use it sometimes) and he legged it to the lovely market town of Honiston Quincy in Devon.

His ultimate aim was to enliven the population of this erstwhile friendly and picturesque place with his strangulated vowels (or should that last word start with a "b"?) :confused:

He earned a frugal living for the first year or so as an "Apple Treader" at Bilmer's Cider Factory.
Within a couple of months he had his first "Great Idea". He borrowed Rolf's "Jake the Peg" Leg from the great man himself.

The net result.... 25% of the other Apple Treaders laid off as redundant, a 33% rise in his productivity bonus and, with vastly enhanced production from Bilmer's Factory satisfied the ultimate in consumer dreams......2 for the price of 1 at Booze Stores Worldwide Ltd.

Greedy for further additions to his income he had a second "Great Idea"........a Travelling Apple-Bobbing Stall for local Fairs throughout Devon during the tourist season ........you wouldn't believe the disastrous fall-out from this second idea :o ...........to be continued.......

Take no notice of this Wandering Minstrel of Words.....he's been on the Lunchtime Tequila Break again. :loopy:

I have a strange anecdote regarding timos’ tequila problem (I suspect you thought I may well have).

In the long, hot summer of ’69 I was apprenticed to an old Hopi Indian in the vicinity of Guadalajara. The man was a respected shaman, seer and sage. Members of the tribe sought his advice on many and varied matters, and his wisdom gained such respect that he became known to the wider world. Many were the seekers after truth who gathered at his feet, and he dispensed knowledge and healing with the laying-on of hands.

Enter upon the scene one cocksure, would-be hippy, unfashionably attired in his grandfathers Edwardian drapes and seeking enlightenment in an accent which could cleave in twain the skull of a rhinoceros. The enlightenment he sought was not so much spiritual, however – no indeed, he required to know the whereabouts of a large cropping of peyote mushrooms to “like, turn me ‘ead around, man”. The Indian at first refused to divulge the whereabouts of the sacred fungi, but such was the temerity of the visitor that he at last relented and advised that the crop was to be found in a clearing at some distance from the village. “Like, far out, man” quoth the visitor. The Indian merely looked quizzical at this.

The strange incomer searched for many weeks and eventually found the crop. He attempted in vain to ingest the peyote, due to the restrictions imposed by a noticeable lack of teeth and the facial deformity caused by speaking in the strange manner earlier alluded to. He was, therefore, enforced to create a clear broth by boiling up the fungi in river water. The broth found universal popularity, and he “made a few bob” selling the product. To this day, he may be found imbibing the resultant liquid himself as frequently as his physical condition permits.

The old Indian, brokenhearted, ceased to practice his arts. He has vowed, however, that he will once more feel obliged to “lay on hands” should he ever again catch sight of the wandering stranger.

'Like far-out,man' ! May I assure fellow posters that I have never used such a phrase in my entire, blameless life, except with reference to Shoeshine's waistline. As for my alleged exploits in the 'long hot summer of 69'- I have photographic evidence to prove otherwise. I was 8 at the time and a boy soldier in Vietnam. Dear old Colonel Calley, he treated me like his own son. I forget the name of that village we stopped at for a while, Moo Lai or something.

'Like far-out,man' ! May I assure fellow posters that I have never used such a phrase in my entire, blameless life, except with reference to Shoeshine's waistline.

Hah! Deny it as much as you like, m'young feller, but I know the way you crazy jazz-fusion types talk.

Is Timo a nice man? Is he 'eckerslike - he's a beast. I live in fear of him, and you should too.

payment by cheque accepted Mr Timo, sir

Is Timo a nice man? Is he 'eckerslike - he's a beast. I live in fear of him, and you should too.

payment by cheque accepted Mr Timo, sir

What?! 'A beast'! You didn't say that the last time we played nude leapfrog together. What have I done now?

Why do I now see Timo as a sort of Alan Bates/Oliver Reed figure? :hihi:

I don't think he'd want to be considered nice; it's a bit bland, surely?

Is Timo a nice man? Is he 'eckerslike - he's a beast. I live in fear of him, and you should too.

payment by cheque accepted Mr Timo, sir

Have no fear of timo, unless he is carrying a "Dictionary of Long Words".

Carry a Thesaurus with you at all times though, in case he should walk out of W.H.Smuts in Southport and confront you by surprise. :thumbsup:

I see him as Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind , going off the deep end :hihi:

I see him as Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind , going off the deep end :hihi:

I regret to say that this is far from the truth. I saw the poor, unfortunate lad on the dunes of Birkdale not so long ago. He is more a shambling, booze-ridden 1970's throwback, who wears a white suit and carries a Gibson doubleneck guitar, muttering ceaselessly about oneness and ripping off a tired and wholly inadequate jazz riff from time-to-time.

I regret to say that this is far from the truth. I saw the poor, unfortunate lad on the dunes of Birkdale not so long ago. He is more a shambling, booze-ridden 1970's throwback, who wears a white suit and carries a Gibson doubleneck guitar, muttering ceaselessly about oneness and ripping off a tired and wholly inadequate jazz riff from time-to-time.

I think you refer to that time in timo's life when he was going through his "purple" period in music.

I cannot affirm your Birkdale comments, but I know during this period in his life timo was want to wander into the Pro Golfers Bar at a multiplicity of tournament venues humming Cliff Richard's Top Twenty Hit Songs, and verbally accusing Lulu as being too tall for her age. :o

I think you refer to that time in timo's life when he was going through his "purple" period in music.

I cannot affirm your Birkdale comments, but I know during this period in his life timo was want to wander into the Pro Golfers Bar at a multiplicity of tournament venues humming Cliff Richard's Top Twenty Hit Songs, and verbally accusing Lulu as being too tall for her age. :o

Actually, I have frequented Birkdale Golf Club. If I remember correctly, I was whistling Karlheinz Stockhausen's 'Stimmung' at the time. I would never, ever hum Cliff Richard tunes. I detest the man. I say 'man', but as I've pointed out on the forum previously, the 'Peter Pan of Pop' was born Napthali Patterpong, of indeterminate sex in a treehouse in Jelong. He was 'assigned to the male gender' in the early fifties. As was Shoeshine.

timo, old friend

What a load of tosh about yours truly.

Everyone knows I was born as a tea leaf in Central Assam..........and have been drunk many a time since.

Futile pretence. I know that you were born 'Child X' in an early eugenic experiment by the good Doctors Mengele and Von Verschuer.

Futile pretence. I know that you were born 'Child X' in an early eugenic experiment by the good Doctors Mengele and Von Verschuer.

I always thought I had good breeding :hihi:

I don't think he'd want to be considered nice; it's a bit bland, surely?

That's what I suggested earlier in the thread

However, the great man has not offered a response to either of my paens to his greatness, so who knows?

StarSparkle :)

Timo is sound as a pound,apart from being a Tory.:thumbsup:

Timo is sound as a pound,apart from being a Tory.:thumbsup:

royjames, please don't be taken in by the semblence of panache he exudes on SF. His real persona runs much deeper than his "devil-may-care" responses submitted so far on this thread.

Like everyone else on here, he will be Googling the word "panache" as I type.

If he can't find the answer there he will be ingratiating himself with Madame Giselle, the French Tutor, Bad Languge Studies Department, the Central University Neepsend Tip Site.

He tried it on the day he interviewed her for the job. The French onion she defended herself with required removal from his larynx at the A&E Section of the Hallamshire Hospital "tout de suite" as they say in the French Quarter of Algiers.

That's what I suggested earlier in the thread

However, the great man has not offered a response to either of my paens to his greatness, so who knows?

StarSparkle :)

Thankyou, gorgeous creature for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated, especially coming from a being beautiful on all planes like your lissom, fragrant self.

Do you have any ideas as to how we might keep Shoeshine occupied? This impertinent thread of his is testimony to how much time the wretched man has at his disposal. Surely there are more constructive things he could be doing? The elderly are often good at darning socks, mending kettles that sort of thing. Any suggestions?

Do you have any ideas as to how we might keep Shoeshine occupied?

Fret not, timo. The senile and semi-derelict old gentleman will be far too busy to continue with his mischief-making escapades.

Shoey will be re-engaged in his old occupation – playing the bizarre dwarf in “The Singing-Ringing Tree”, a role he first won whilst spying for the losing side in Germany during World War Two. The burgeoning, communist state-owned television in East Germany gave him immediate employment acting in the strange parable. Not ones to pass up an opportunity lightly, and being strapped for cash, they quickly saw the benefit in utilising a man who provided his own ragged clothing and required no make-up to achieve the appearance which continued to so scare the children of my generation.

He has been asked to return for the re-make as he has kept his hand in, so to speak, by hiding under remote bridges and startling passing queens.

He has asked that I let you all see his latest publicity shot (http://www.sausagenet.com/i/p/454-2.jpg).

I usually refer to him as the sun amidst small stars.

Fred,
The horrifying photograph confirms my suspicions pertaining to Shoeshine's morphological dwarfism. I have long pondered whether a lack of height, or perhaps some fiendishly-embarrassing personal inadequacy are responsible for his maniacal cyber anarcho-syndicalism and unpleasant [though ultimately fruitless] little campaigns to usurp my position as Prince-Elect. The warped octagenarian menace is a pygmy!

Shoeshine personifies the 'darker' side of the elderly web community, or 'silver surfers'. Such dangerous beings are a million miles removed from the cosy stereotype of retired gentlefolk logging on to earnestly share their experiences of life with the young and callow, between 'nice cups of tea' and a doze in a favourite armchair. They are dedicated fanatics. Misery, havoc and sheer bedlam follow in their wake. The kindest and wisest thing we can do is to vote for any political party which favours euthanasia.

timo, do I smell a whiff of cynicism here, or could it be the imported back-door fake Habana Cigars you purchase from "Keep a look-out Slacksie", the bookies runner?

Slacksie needs to keep his mouth shut about me. He's only "dun gud" off the backs of the "nicotine needies" gathering after midnight at the rear of the Rialto Cinema and Bingo Hall, Littlebottom Street, Southport for their pseudo Benson's and Park Drive faggies.

I may be old, I may be coffin dodging, but I am fit! My name is down with the French Foreign Legion. When they find the appropriate Rubber Stamp I am off to trace the nests of the Lesser Spotted Dung Beetle pervading their Fort in "Quelle Surprise", Morocco. I am eminently qualified for the job, and they know it. I have written a lot of beetle dung lately.

My name is down with the French Foreign Legion.

My Great-Aunt Sybilla joined the legion in middle age, despite the fact that the organisation is for men only. Indeed, it was the words “men only” which prompted her to make the hazardous journey to Soukh Al Shatt, thinking she was volunteering her services to a gentlemans monthly periodical. Her error was not discovered by the officers of the legion, who simply took her for another disenchanted ex-stevedore from Marseilles, possessed as she was of the physique of a bison and more facial hair than any sasquatch, for some considerable time. Indeed, it was only her constant enquiries of her CO as to whether he had “got the money shot” which prompted the subsequent investigation. She remained with the legion even following the discovery that she was (vaguely) female due to a needful desire to forget her disturbing error, and the fact that her comrades had decided that, on the whole, she was “a bloody good bloke”.

Shoeshine, like Sybilla most volunteers for the legion are there simply in order “to forget” some regrettable incident in their past. You should not feel the need to follow their example. At your alarmingly advanced age, surely remembering is more the problem?

Let us see if Shoeshine can 'forget' this in a hurry. Shoey, old fruit, you have been rumbled! Fred has kindly provided previous evidence for your dwarfish stature, and by your own admission you are 'a coffin-dodger' , but who was prepared for this startling expose? On page 12 of today's Daily Telegraph is a most striking heading; 'Dwarf dinosaur is discovered'. Apparently this 'new species' [ho ho] has been found in Germany. According to the Telegraph, 'the smaller version of the Sauropods, once the largest animals on Earth, was found to have a body length of 20 feet'. A dwarfish body, 20 FEET LONG?! Good Heavens, I wouldn't like to be your tailor!

deadheadfred, you have sparked something in my brain here.

Your Great Aunt Sybilla..........wasn't she one of the Bryant-Cholmondley's, lived on the Sussex Downs? If so, I haven't heard from or thought about dear old "Systematic Sybbie" for years. What a chum she was in the 1920's!

Syssie, ( as we called her then), was always full of mischief, devilment, bonhomie and gin.

I seem to recall on one occasion she was invited to join the Tyre Swingers Club for their annual outing to Clivedon one glorious summer in 1923. Everyone who was anyone was there.

I can tell you rumours abound about the amount of swinging she did that week.

As I understand things, I believe she met her future husband Mackintosh McPlantain at Clivedon.

They were married within weeks and dear old Syssie became hyphenated in no time at all.

Mr. and Mrs. Cholmondley-McPlantain spent their honeymoon in an idyllic setting....a lovely tropical chalet in the middle of the largest banana plantation in Guyana, with the rest of the McPlantain family (Estate Owners) living nearby. What a honeymoon. Tyre swinging everyday, and all the banana-flavoured Blanc Mange (soused with gin) anyone could desire.

Duty called and eventually the couple said goodbye to the McPlaintain Family, returning to Sussex by banana boat.

I lost touch with Syssie and Mackintosh for several years. I heard a whisper that they had wearied of sharing tyres and divorced. Mackintosh returned to the bosom of his family assisting them on the banana estate.

Eventually, the EU stuck its nose into their business big-time, specifying the required shape of the product.....straight please or no sale here in Europe.

The McPlantain Family business, having been geared up to produce regular bent bananas foundered within a few months.

They are all currently in an Psychiatric Hospital in Georgetown, having gone totally bananas!.

I have expectations should Sybilla and I meet up on repatriated Skegvegas camels on the hot, dry sands of Morocco. :)

It has taken him all afternoon to think up the above drivel, whereas in my case I log on and off each time posting with effortless, off-the-cuff brilliance...

It has taken him all afternoon to think up the above drivel, whereas in my case I log on and off each time posting with effortless, off-the-cuff brilliance...

:hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

I've been polishing the Porsche prior to trading it in for the 4 -wheel model. :)

I am beginning to think deadheadfred is a third columnist here. My suspicions arise from the knowledge, known only to me, that I am not the first to be accused of dwarfism.

I recall he did the same to Sylvester Stallone, until Sylve's mother appeared on Big Brother and demanded he justified his statements before a judge in Baja California. The case collapsed. So did deadheadfred when Sylvester did a Rocky2 on him before he entered the Court.

Don't believe all you read on this thread.........it leads to dreams of fantasy, masochism and a black eye!

deadheadfred..Baja California (http://medicalimages.allrefer.com/large/black-eye.jpg)

Dear Shoey, dear demented and delusional Shoey!

All is not as it appears. The discolouration is merely the run-off from a range of mens mascara I was modelling. Sylvester (or Sylvie as he prefers to be known in the seclusion of his own quarters) is intent on becoming a household name in the arena of male grooming, despite the disapproval of both his mother and the boxing board of control (he also mentioned that he wants to be big in mens' underwear, but that is not for me to discuss here). The man holds no fears for me anyhow - he has met Great Aunt "Big Sib" in several caged bouts and has come off rather the worse for wear, and so is well aware which side his bread is buttered.

It is, however, true that I accused the man of being a dwarf. His PR represents him as a veritable giant, nay colossus, of a man but in reality he is 3 foot 2 inches of cardigan-wearing "Aunty Mary", if you get my drift. The judge, being from Texas, was inclined to exaggeration and estimated his height as somewhat over 19 feet, and so my case was lost. I will exact my revenge upon him, you mark my words........................

.......in around fifteen years if I lose the appeal.

timo should have correctly attributed his 'liberal bigot' speech IMO, but I'm just nit picking cos I'm jealous ;)

At the request of the noble shoeshine, this paen of praise to Timo is now officially closed. :)