Has anyone ever uttered or heard any good or amusing Malapropisms?

I remember once a woman confusing a pilon with a python. (true)

Just so I am clear what is a Malapropism???

Just so I am clear what is a Malapropism???Its a comical confusion of words.

You may mix up the words virgin and verging for example. :|

Its a comical confusion of words.

You may mix up the words virgin and verging for example. :|


still dont get it :confused:

still dont get it :confused:

Neither do i, ease of with the big words.. My intelligence only stretches so far!

So mixing up bear as in grizzley and bare as in starkers?

malapropism

/malproppiz’m/ (US also malaprop)

• noun the mistaken use of a word in place of a similar-sounding one (e.g. ‘dance a flamingo’ instead of flamenco).

— ORIGIN from the name of the character Mrs Malaprop in Richard Sheridan’s play The Rivals (1775).

The Oxford Word Challenge
Slightly Harder Word Game

Malapropisms

A malapropism is the mistaken use of one word for another. It is named after Mrs Malaprop, a character in Sheridan’s play The Rivals (1775), who was fond of using malapropos (i.e. inappropriate) statements like ‘Illiterate him, I say, quite from your memory’ (meaning ‘obliterate’) or ‘My affluence over my niece is very small’ (meaning ‘influence’). Can you correct the mistakes in the italicized words in these sentences?

Example: The muscles around the stomach are known as the abominable muscles.
Answer: Abdominal (‘abominable’ means ‘detestable’).

1. A prospectus is someone who searches for gold.

2. After a long air flight, it is reassuring to get your feet back onto terracotta.

3. I couldn’t change his decision: it was a Fiat accompli.

4. I can assert the truth of it, without fear of contraception.

5. You can darken your eyelids with cascara.

6. If you swallow poison, you should take an anecdote.

7. I was prostate with grief.

8. She ate with a veracious appetite.

9. The garden was brightened by the red flowers of saliva.

10. A triangle with all its sides equal is called an equatorial triangle.

11. He was on the horns of an enema.

12. The doctor had told him he had very close veins.

For all intensive purposes, malapropisms leave me prostate on the ground. It's a mute point. Great guitar rift by the way!

So mixing up bear as in grizzley and bare as in starkers?
Yes. using a similar sounding word in the wrong context.

For all intensive purposes, malapropisms leave me prostate on the ground. It's a mute point. Great guitar rift by the way!

Someone once told me he'd had trouble with his prostrate gland!:hihi:

It's like saying "I resemble that compliment" when the actual expression is "I resent that comment".

Most of them are a bit rude, and when friends and family come out with them, it can make you spit out your tea and strumpet all over the vicar's sofa.

a girl i used to work with once wandered from the point during a discussion and said "Stop me if I'm going off on a tandem".........

True story - apparently david Beckham was once asked in an interview if he thought he was a volatile player and he replied "yes, I can play on either the left or the right".

E-Coli are a viral orgasm....

Joel

Our paints come in ever colour of the speculum.

Not strictly a malapropism but one of the guys who worked in the gym I used to go to said 'pectorials' instead of pectorals. It always amused me because I thought as a fitness instructor he should've known the names of the muscles.:rolleyes:

Hilda Baker made a living out of using malapropisms on stage and screen..what a lovely Northern lady she was, sadly missed..........:)

Hilda Baker made a living out of using malapropisms on stage and screen..what a lovely Northern lady she was, sadly missed..........:)

I must get a little hand put on this watch!

Has he been?

I must get a little hand put on this watch!

Has he been?

Just a simple question.......was Cynthia a bloke?

And another , was the Pickle Factory "Hoskins"?.......

To confuse 'crutch' and 'crotch' is sometimes amusing :D

Yes, I've confused them in the past.....

StarSparkle

I've heard these ones:-

A 'Jovial Witness' Jehovah's Witness

A 'Hysterical Rectum' Hysterectomy

'Various Veins' Varicose Veins

all from the same woman.

Nuf said.

I can't think of the ones in English, apart from mis-spelling of 'were' and 'where'.

Though, I can think of this funny one in Cantonese. As a friend was teaching this at Leeds uni. She emphasized the importance of correct tone. Here is why... :D

Da Faye Gay = Hit the aeroplane (slang. M'bation)
Daa Forrr Gay = Lighter
Da Four Gay = Hit the waiter

Shakespeare.........."The quality of mercy is not sprained."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
Dan Quayle, Vice President

George Bush..........
"The law I sign today directs new funds... to the task of collecting vital intelligence... on weapons of mass production."

"It will take time to restore chaos and order."

"They have miscalculated me as a leader."

From others:............

A rolling stone gathers no moths

Flying saucers are just an optical conclusion.

The flood damage was so bad they had to evaporate the city.

The Rivals is one of my favourite plays :D

a girl i used to work with once wandered from the point during a discussion and said "Stop me if I'm going off on a tandem".........

:hihi: :hihi: That's great!!!


I remember once a woman confusing a pilon with a python. (true)

I'm glad you cleared that up that it wasn't a figment of your imagination :| :hihi:

Originally posted by Bago
Da Faye Gay = Hit the aeroplane (slang. M'bation)

Hit the aeroplane as a euphemism? That might take of here

:rolleyes:

I once went to the newsagents to put the lottery on and asked for
"Two ducky lips"

You love that word, dontcha Slim? You've mentioned it before.

Mrs Malaprop!

True story - apparently david Beckham was once asked in an interview if he thought he was a volatile player and he replied "yes, I can play on either the left or the right".
The second defintion is 'lively, gay,changeable' any of these could aplly to theposition our captain find himself in :D

Hilda Baker made a living out of using malapropisms on stage and screen..what a lovely Northern lady she was, sadly missed..........:)

You know.... I used to love her in that sitcom as a kid (can't remember the name of it now) but her punch lines were " OOooh round brown cow" or summat... and " What are you today Gilbert.... Oh you're one of those are you?".... priceless.... she used to say the latter to a mute gay who had a different dress theme every day.... can you tell me what it was called? :hihi: :hihi: :hihi:

Just a simple question.......was Cynthia a bloke?

And another , was the Pickle Factory "Hoskins"?.......

Not sure about Cynthia, but I think the factory was 'Pledge's Perfect Pickles'. Wasn't Jimmy Jewel 'Eli Pledge'?

Not sure about Cynthia, but I think the factory was 'Pledge's Perfect Pickles'. Wasn't Jimmy Jewel 'Eli Pledge'?

Got my son...........Nellie Pledge, and her brother (played by Jimmy Jewel)


Nearest and Dearest (http://www.televisionheaven.co.uk/nearest.htm)

A bit corny, I know, but ssssoooooooo entertaining for all the family.

Not like the cynical rubbish on these days, so-called "comedy".

Got my son...........Nellie Pledge, and her brother (played by Jimmy Jewel)


Nearest and Dearest (http://www.televisionheaven.co.uk/nearest.htm)

A bit corny, I know, but ssssoooooooo entertaining for all the family.

Not like the cynical rubbish on these days, so-called "comedy".

Couldn't agree more, Cyclone. Cheesy but brilliantly funny.

Couldn't agree more, Cyclone. Cheesy but brilliantly funny.

Sorry, I meant to say Shoeshine! Several pints from the Hillsborough Hotel beginning to kick in!

Sorry, I meant to say Shoeshine! Several pints from the Hillsborough Hotel beginning to kick in!

Please don't apologise.........a few vodkas imbibed this end too......:thumbsup:

And that's only the cat...........:hihi:

I once went to the newsagents to put the lottery on and asked for
"Two ducky lips"
that's just tickled me pink!

I'm glad you cleared that up that it wasn't a figment of your imagination :| :hihi:

Or even a pigment of your imagination.

Our paints come in ever colour of the speculum.

I heard a better version of this with the word rectum substituted for spectrum.

I once went to the newsagents to put the lottery on and asked for
"Two ducky lips"

No that's a Spoonerism not a malapropism.

My favourate is one that has been shown on TV a couple of times.

This woman is being interviewed and she is in a state of some considerable high dudgeon because another woman has been going around saying she is stupid. At the end of a long rant she says,

"and if she says it again I'm going to sue her for definition of character".


:D :D :D

This is funny on at least three levels.

1) She has uttered a Malapropism
2) She has proved herself somewhat stupid at the very time she was so strongly denying it.
3) The word 'definition' is so apt as her detractor has quite literally defined her character.

A true classic.

One hates to get a laugh at someone else's expense (!), but the former work colleague I referred to earlier also uttered another classic. When being told off by the boss for making a hash of something she replied, somewhat flustered, "I do make mistakes, you know - I'm not inflammable!" :hihi:

My friend without fail calls the shop Halfords - 'ALFREDS' no matter how many times I tell her. She also calls the Adelphi nightclub - 'PHILADELPHIA' and a dado rail a 'DILDO' rail. It's just how she is bless her and she knows that I laugh at her she can't help it!

my girlfriend said she would love a pair of Jackie Chan shoes, meaning Jimmy Choo......

Notice in the Gynae outpatients:

The Dr at your Cervix today is...

this one which I, and possibly many others out there, hate

People who use the word pacific instead of specific

and axe instead of ask

My nannan once asked me if I'd seen that 70's Vietnam film, "Albatross Now"... bless her.

My sister and I are bilingual french/english which has many advantages but can also cause confusion at time... recently my sister was talking about the new king kong film with a colleague. The colleague thought it would be a bit long to sit through but my sister reassured her by telling her there was "intercourse" in between - meaning of course interval...

Not a Malapropism but a Spoonerism...

I used to know a woman whose memory had been somewhat addled by brain surgery.

We once visited an estuary noted for its interest to ornithologists.... she said "This must be a good place for word botching" which was surely the perfect Spoonerism?

My girlfriend once said that she'd really like to go to that Scottish New Year thing - Mahogany.....

My little old nan also used to say something was 'SUMMAT LOGIC' instead of using the word PSYCHOLOGICAL!!!! For example, i'd say 'I don't think I can pass this A level exam nan cos I've not revised enough' and she'd say, 'it's all in your mind love - its SUMMAT LOGIC'.

Had me in stitches every time and now it's a family saying.

I've mentioned this one before ages ago, about a neighbour of mine - saying that the "midgets" were biting her husbands legs in the summer, and playing "haddock" with him.... it's now widely used in our family too....

And try as I might, I have difficulty not saying "hypodeemic nurdle" after seeing it on a Dennis Norden Laughter File. Well, I mean, I ended up saying it more than I ever said the real thing (I don't have cause to say hypodermic needle in everyday speech) so now it comes out naturally. Very embarrasing....

Blimey, have you been using word of the day toilet paper, Sid?

I was in town the other week queuing up in that off licence on West Street when this man came in to shout to his mate that he had to hurry up buying the lager as his girlfriend was four centimetres 'dialect' and was 'touching cloth' with the soon-to-be-born baby (charmed)

Not so much funny as very, very depressing....

I just read a comment from someone saying that the new Kit Kat ad is in a "depreciating English style" (he meant "deprecating").

Like English style was going out of fashion.

Jasper Carrot once did a song based entirely on spoonerisms.
very funny.

I've heard of somebody setting the president.
Also there's the old one which I can't pacifically remember right now...

Great thread.....
Just returned from Dublin, where my 7 year old daughter requested we bring her a 'lesbian' back.....she meant Leprechaun, and the same daughter had a pretend 'Jumbo' sale.
My nephew, asked his grandma to phone the police, when he spotted some older children playing on his dads drive...grandma replied 'Why?' to which he said he wanted to see the police man 'hit them with his 'trumpet'......must just be our family :D

A chap at work keeps complaining about the dog 'foetus' in the neighbour's garden. He's trying to be polite :hihi:

As a librarian, I was asked for a number of strange titles : "That French book about jacuzzis" (J'accuse) ; Joe Orton's book : "Prick up Your Arse" (Prick up Your Ears, but how appropriate) and my favourite : Robert Tressell's "The Ragged Arsed Philatelists".

A lady bragging to me abouth a posh restauraunt where they had soup with scrotums in.

Here's a few from a googly.

He had to use a fire distinguisher.
Dad says the monster is just a pigment of my imagination.
Isn't that an expensive pendulum round that man's neck?
Good punctuation means not to be late.
He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
My sister has extra-century perception.
"Don't" is a contraption

In mexico i made the amusing error of using the verb coger when asking where to get a bus to the port. How was I to know that it in Mexico, that verb means more specifically 'to take'....but in a more sexual manner if you catch my drift?! Took ages for me to understand why the rather nice young man couldn't stop laughing....then telling his friends...!

Another time I was explaining to work colleague some of the oddities in the company arrangement of sites/areas. And that it was a historical thing due to the Kent area manager - except my mouth sad something different than Kent! I was mortified....my colleague laughed...told all his friends...etc etc!

My ex used to ask me if I wanted him to "kneel down and hovel for forgiveness."

My grandfather's name was Vernon, but a certain salesman used to call him Vermin.


I know a few people who persist in saying old timer's disease instead of Alzheimer's disease.

My missus asked when tea is going to be ready " because I'm ravishing"

The baby was still attached to the unbelievable cord

Years back a woman that worked for me came up with "Patience is a virgin"

One of my mums friends, many moons ago, was watching a documentary about octupus and was alledged to have said 'look at the size of it's testicles' we presume she meant tentacles.

My mum still reminds me of when, as a 10 year old, I was watching the news about the Yorkshire Ripper with interest. I turned to her and said, "Mum, are we prostitutes?".

There was a stunned silence until they realised I meant 'Protestants'.:hihi:

"My neighbour"s built a huge dildo at the bottom of his garden!" said a friend.He meant Pagoda.

What do you call a nun on a clown's back?
Verging on the ridiculous.

We have to move my computer to finish decorating and were discussing whether the modem and all the other wires would reach in the new position.
OH is not Comp literate and creased me up when he said we can move the "Imodium"...
I said "No that"s for your bowels!"

A friend of mine is severely dyslexic, well educated, but also quite narcissistic.
He tends to add multiple suffixes to words in order to try and make them sound impressive (eg most expensivistic) and makes up random words that he thinks sound right.
sounds cruel to laugh but some are corkers.
Given that he is fond of a little dom/sub role playing I overheard him say to this then boyfriend
"I'll reward you when you're bad and punish you when you're good" :hihi:

We didn't let him live it down for weeks!