Newly single, newly pregnant

I split with my boyfriend last week after he broke a major promise which was a condition of getting back together last time. A few days later I found out in pregnant. Unplanned.

He's really not happy at all and keeps going on about abortion. He says I'm being selfish and a martyr to keep the baby. I hate abortion for inconvenient pregnancies.

We both have kids from previous marriages.

I said we should get relationship councilling and see if we can work it all out now there's a baby to consider. He isn't keen. We've split about 4 times before.

We've both said in the past that we love each other but can't be with each other as we drive each other nuts.

He's saying he may not be involved at all, but we're being civil except for his yucky abortion talk.

I feel really alone, I have constant sick feelings and I can't sleep.

How hard is it going to be?

Will he mellow out a bit?

Well firstly congratulations! As I don't know your ex I can't say as to whether he'll change his attitude, but I will say that maybe for the moment its best to be apart? I'm sure you've heard about how babies can pick up on relationship stress, and I firmly believe that two seperate happy parents are better than one miserable couple. Who knows, maybe further down the line things might change. I think its better to think he'll not come round, and if he does its a bonus...if he doesn't you're no worse off

Sorry I have to post in seperate posts coz of my phone! It might be worth leaving him be for now, to get it straight in his own mind and come to terms with it. Make sure he knows in no uncertain terms that abortion is NOT an option and he's wasting time suggesting it. It could be just the shock, but I think for now you need to keep the baby and the relationship seperate. Have you got friends/family to support you? Don't be scared to go it alone...its obvious this baby is wanted by you and will be loved

the biggest problem is the inequality.

it takes 2 to make a baby, but only one to keep it. he has no control over that and he now has 18 yrs of debt ahead of him. hardly likely to be a prospect he is looking forward to.

the biggest problem is the inequality.

 

it takes 2 to make a baby, but only one to keep it. he has no control over that and he now has 18 yrs of debt ahead of him. hardly likely to be a prospect he is looking forward to.

If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to realise that there's always a chance that pregnancy can result. If he's dead set against children he should abstein.

If he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to realise that there's always a chance that pregnancy can result. If he's dead set against children he should abstein.

if he is old enough to have sex he is old enough to hand over 20% of his wages for 18 yrs? is that what your saying?

it takes 2 to haev sex. but only one to inflict misery on the other.

if he is old enough to have sex he is old enough to hand over 20% of his wages for 18 yrs? is that what your saying?

 

it takes 2 to haev sex. but only one to inflict misery on the other.

What I am saying is that if he doesn't want to 'hand over 20% of his wages for the next 18 years' he should have prevented pregnancy in the first place. Its quite simple, if you don't want a child then don't put yourself in a position to make one.

What I am saying is that if he doesn't want to 'hand over 20% of his wages for the next 18 years' he should have prevented pregnancy in the first place. Its quite simple, if you don't want a child then don't put yourself in a position to make one.

i have highlighted the HE in your post

it took 2 to meet to to get on well 2 to go to bed 2 to have sex but only one to make the decision to keep the baby

thats definately not right.

the arguement could equally have been if she didnt want to be pregnant then she should have kept her legs closed.

if both parents dont want a baby then its simply wrong for the mother to be acting this way. there are enough children already in the world. why bring another one in to an atmosphere thats already an unhappy one. thats the mothers desire to be a mum again putting that selfish desire ahead of the child's needs.

Absolute rubbish. When some women get pregnant they bond with it immediately, and pressuring an abortion is simply immoral in that situation. Yes, she could've taken steps to not become pregnant, but she's facing up to her responsibilities. I notice you mention nothing about emotional support from the father, or is a child simply an object of cost? If you do the crime, you do the time, and the OP is.

if the couple have split up there's a reason for that split. there could be hatred, distrust, anger etc. to expect any emotional support in that situation would be niave

i refute your bonding comment though. the woman may bond with the idea of being pregnant, with the idea of having a baby, but to bond with a few cells, that have no personality yet is a silly idea.

when a mum goes through the pregnancy when it's unwanted by the father is it any wonder that father is less than likely to want to be involved.

The issue here's not pro-choice vs anti-abortion and that's clearly not what the OP wanted a discussion about. She might have got herself into this mess but she's still going through a tough time.

Cookie: It's your choice. If you are satisfied that you can provide a stable loving environment for a child, and you are sure that's what you want to do- ie your not just doing it to make a point or because he's hurt you, then that's what you should do. But it should be about what's best for the potential child, not for you, or him. Can you afford it, do you have them family to help you? will you be able to love them and give them what they need? I kind of appreciate that expecting tons of support from a father who didn't want to be in that situation is a bit naive. It's not all his fault your in this situation.

I'm sorry that so many posters here have been so judgemental towards you, you don't need people to tell you you should have been more careful, it's too late for that now!

Don't let anyone else pressure you into making a decision either way.

Please don't keep giving him chances. I don't believe relationship counselling can fix it- If you've split up, what 4-5 times, you're obviously not right for each other. A child deserves a stable family, and that's not one. You deserve to be happy, and with someone that doesn't try to pressure you into decisions, someone you're not constantly arguing with, and who doesn't break promises. If he's a total swine it's better that he shows his true colours now, when there's only you to get hurt, than later on when there's a child to get hurt too.

If you want a forum where you might get responses from other women who may be less judgemental, and more sympathetic than the usual sheffieldforum types, I'd recommend Mumsnet

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk

Wise words Yeti.

The bottom line is...do YOU WANT to keep this baby?

As long as it is what you genuinely want to do, then NOTHING else matters. It's all right people saying 'have you weighed up the pros and cons' etc, but at the end of the day, even if, practically speaking, it might look difficult to go ahead with the pregnancy for whatever reason, if you don't want a termination but have one, then you are going to live a life of massive regret.

Your ex (who sounds like he won't be there, and even if he would be, the prognosis does not look good judging by the track record of the relationship) comes to be a bit irrelevant in this decision. Sure, he donated the goods BUT at the end of the day, he does not carry the baby, he does not have to be in its' life if he doesn't want to be. Allow HIM to make the decision about his inclusion. That is HIS choice. Financially, he will have to cough up some dosh - but that is HIS consequence of not donning the required attire in the bedroom!

YOUR consequence is that you are pregnant.

Ignore those who say 'you should have kept your legs crossed', because likewise, he should have kept his pants on. This is not a matter for apportioning blame.

What do YOU want to do? Do you want this baby? DO you want to be its' parent? Make the choice for YOU, not for your ex. Good luck!!!!! xxxx